Chapter 6

1 Corinthians 13:6

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Jimin had learned how to cry without making a sound, Wonyoung had noticed. She was strangely silent this morning, her posture was abnormally stiff. Her shoulders were drawn as if she was trying to make herself smaller, trying to disappear into the fabric of her clothes. Her eyes were lifeless, she looked like she had seen a ghost during the night.

She did not pray out loud during morning prayer, the words barely slipped past her lips. Her hands trembled when she reached for her rosary, her fingers tightened around the beads as though she was holding onto it for her dear life.

Wonyoung had learned to read through the lines of scripture, searching for hidden meaning, looking for what was implied rather than spoken. She often used that competence when it came to Jimin, analyzing her body language since she knew her roommate would never dare to say things out loud.

And she quickly understood that something had happened when she was asleep. Jimin was suffering, she knew it, but things had gotten worse overnight.

During breakfast, Wonyoung watched her from across the room, her fingers tightening around her cup as Jimin's hands trembled when she lifted them to eat a piece of bread. Jimin didn't eat much and when their eyes met, she immediately looked away. That avoidance hurt more than she had expected because it wasn't a rejection, it was fear.

Jimin excused herself from communal tasks and retreated to the chapel as soon as she could. Wonyoung saw her there, her forehead pressing against the pew, her lips moving frantically, and her tears running down her cheeks. It broke her heart but she had to turn away before she could be caught staring. She clenched her fingers around the fabric of her robes and squeezed her eyes shut to avoid her own tears from falling.

Loving Jimin had always required restraint, but now it required distance as well, and that hurt. Love was never harmless, was it? Especially not in a place like this.

She tried to tell herself that it wasn't her fault, that she had done nothing wrong, tried to remember herself that Jimin's battle with faith had started long before she ever entered her life, but guilt was eating her alive. What more can I do Lord? How can I help her? Watching her unravel from afar is killing me.

The day passed in slow motion, a suffocating slowness that made her chest hurt. It felt like torture to watch the woman she loved suffer. She escaped to the courtyard as soon as she could under the pretense of needing air, which wasn't untrue. She needed to escape the heaviness of the air inside the convent walls.

Wonyoung found Aeri already sitting behind the convent, leaning against the stone wall that overlooked the fields. She wasn't surprised to see her there, she knew that the student often skipped class and she didn't mind.

"You're staring," Aeri said without looking up, an unlit cigarette sitting between her fingers.

Wonyoung walked closer but stopped a few feet away. "And you're about to smoke."

Aeri smiled faintly and lit her cigarette before taking a drag. "I guess we both have bad habits."

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" Wonyoung suddenly said, surprising even herself. They had never really spoken before, but she felt that her day would be less painful if she was with someone who shared a similar story. She was still her teacher and she was aware of the line between them, but today, she felt unbearably alone.

Aeri smiled faintly and moved to give her a bit more space by her side, the cigarette hanging from her lips. "No, come here."

Wonyoung silently thanked her and sat down by her side. They stayed silent for a few minutes, taking in the sounds of nature surrounding them. Her heartbeat had slowed down a bit and she no longer felt like crying, which was already a good thing. Still, she was unsure what to do, so she curled her fingers around her robes. Thankfully, Aeri was the first one to speak up.

"You saw it too, didn't you?"

Wonyoung pretended not to know and cleared her throat. "Saw what?"

"You don't have to pretend with me you know, I can see it." Aeri offered her a saddened smile.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and lowered her gaze. "She's doing worse today," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. She felt as if she was betraying Jimin by saying that but keeping quiet was killing her, she had to confess to someone. "I don't know why but she won't even look my way."

"She's hurting, you know that." Aeri leaned her head back against the stone wall. "She thinks she's being rightfully punished. She thinks that if she hurts enough, God will listen to her."

Wonyoung pressed her lips together. "You speak of her suffering lightly, be careful." Her voice was a bit firmer than before.

Aeri met her gaze and shrugged. "I'm not being careless, I'm just being honest."