Chapter 5

James 1:14-15

"But each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

Jimin found herself walking along the familiar stone path behind the chapel again. The religious building stood ahead, its dark silhouette contrasting with the pale moonlight. Her heart was beating fast inside her chest, she could feel adrenaline rushing through her veins. Each one of her steps made something tighten in her stomach.

Wonyoung was already there, waiting for her. Her back rested against the stone wall, her face slightly tilted upward and her lips parted. Jimin's breath caught at the sight, Wonyoung's hair fell loosely around her face and she was looking at her with a lust in her eyes Jimin had never allowed herself to imagine. She did not have time to say a word before Wonyoung did, too entranced to do so.

"You're staring," Wonyoung said sensually and it sent a shiver right down her spine.

Jimin took a step closer, closing the distance between them until she could feel Wonyoung's warm body pressing against hers. Wonyoung's hand traveled from her hip to her arm and Jimin had to briefly close her eyes to take in the softness of the gesture. She let out a sound in between a breath and a sigh and instinctively leaned in.

"Wonyoung.." she whispered and it felt right to say her name without Sister before it; it felt intimate in a way that made her stomach twist.

Wonyoung smiled faintly and leaned in, close enough for Jimin to feel her hot breath against her lips, close enough for Jimin to forget about the rest of the world. Their lips met in the softest way possible and Jimin had to hold Wonyoung's arms not to let her knees give up on her. She clutched at her sleeves, her fingers tightening around the fabric of her shirt. Wonyoung deepened the kiss just slightly, her tongue sliding across Jimin's lower lip, asking for permission. Jimin granted it to her and gasped into her mouth, her nails digging into her skin when she gently sucked onto her tongue.

Wonyoung's thumbs brushed along her jaw, encouraging her to stop fighting, to let go fully. There was no scripture in her head, only the heat pooling low in her stomach, her shallow breath, and her inevitable sighs. Wonyoung's touch made her feel alive.

So she pressed closer without thinking, resting her forehead against hers when they broke apart to breathe. "Stay," Jimin whispered shakily.

Wonyoung smiled and her eyes softened. "This isn't wrong," she whispered as if she was able to read Jimin's thoughts. "You don't have to run away, I'm right here," she gently brushed her thumb against her jaw and Jimin leaned into the touch.

This is what it feels like, this is what the world has to offer to me.

"Oh," a familiar voice echoed behind them, she could recognize that cocky tone anywhere. "Sister Jimin, I see you're having fun too." Aeri said lightly, amusement echoing through every single syllable.

Her blood ran cold and her world shattered into pieces.

She woke up with a gasp, her body jerking upright in bed, her heart pounding so hard she feared it might tear her chest open. The room was dark and silent, and it took her a few seconds to realize where she was. The sheets were tangled around her legs, her skin was flushed and damp. Her breath came in uneven bursts as the remnants of the dream clung to her skin mercilessly.

"Oh God," she whispered and pressed a trembling hand to her mouth as nausea rose in her throat. Heat throbbed between her thighs, and she pressed them together only to choke on a whimper as the movement sent a jolt right through her. She squeezed her eyes shut to force her body back into obedience. Her stomach twisted violently, shame filling her mind in a way that made her feel dizzy.

She slid out of bed and dropped to her knees on the cold floor, clasping her hands together instinctively. Her forehead hovered just above the ground as she whispered "Please.." Her throat hurt from saying the words. "Please..make it stop," she begged.

She could still feel her hands on her, her lips on hers, how good everything had felt. Behind her, Wonyoung slept peacefully, her breathing slow and even, unaware of the chaos brewing inside her mind. The sound of her peaceful breathing alone was enough for Jimin to shed a tear.

She clasped her hands even tighter, her knuckles turning white, her shoulders shaking as she refrained herself from sobbing too loudly. "Please, please don't let me be like this." Silence was the only person to answer her to her despair. God did not answer. She felt betrayed, she felt helpless.

He will punish me for my sins, he will let me burn for it, he will not come to rescue me, no one will. I am alone in this, guilt now follows me everywhere I go. I can not bring myself to confess anymore, I am impure. I feel dirty, I feel ashamed of what I have become. I used to be sure of what I wanted but now I am lost. God, please, help me. Am I losing my faith? Did the evil entity finally wake up and take over my being? Why? I always did things right, I was always by your side, I was always obedient. So why are you leaving me alone now? Why aren't you helping me? Why are you always so silent? Where are you when I need you the most? Why did you leave me to become what I am now? Am I not good enough to you? What did I do wrong?

Why did it feel so good? She pressed her forehead harder against the cold floor, as if the coldness of it would be enough to numb her thoughts. Her chest felt tight, she could barely breathe.

It felt good because she wanted it. Realization hit her and her stomach churned. She shook her head desperately. Her breath always softened whenever she was near, her attention always drifted to her whenever she told herself not to look. She always noticed details when it came to her. She hated herself for it, hated that she always counted the seconds before she came back and how hollow she felt whenever she left her side. She hated how safe she felt when Wonyoung was near.

That was the worst part of the dream, the warmth that had settled inside her chest when she touched her, when she kissed her like she was something precious instead of something broken and good to leave to die alone. How naturally her body had melted into her touch terrified her, as if this was what she had been missing her whole life without ever knowing how to name it except betraying God. And Wonyoung was always there by her side even when God wasn't, ready to catch her.

Her mother's voice echoed through her mind, telling her that temptation was a test and that strength came from resisting it. She remembered her father's nod of approval when she chose the convent path, when she promised devotion, purity and obedience. The pride in their eyes when they believed they had raised a daughter untouched by the sins of the world, untainted by desire. She had built herself around that pride, safe within the walls of their love.

But what would they see now? What would they think of her? What would they think if they saw her on her knees in the dark, begging God for mercy, her body still hot from a wet dream with another woman?

"Please," she whispered again. "Please take it away from me, I don't want this. I don't want to feel like this. I'll do better, I'll repent, I'll confess, I'll fast—just don't make me be this, don't make me want what I'm not supposed to want."