Chapter 4

Isaiah 5:20

"Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness."

Jimin had prayed hard this morning after her gaze had lingered just a little too long on the curves of Wonyoung's body lying under the blanket. Guide me, cleanse me, do not let me stray. She repeated the words that had once made her feel safe. Sometimes temptation came in a tightening knot in her lower abdomen like when another woman stood too close. Other times it was her breath growing shallow when something brushed against her skin or when they talked in softer registers. It was not something she could easily name and therefore reject, it was way more subtle. It lived within her, bypassing the discipline she forced herself to follow.

She feared her own senses, her heart betraying her whenever she noticed the curves of a woman beneath her clothes. She feared everything that had to do with femininity, she feared women. Desire was a liar, desire was a trick. She had to find a way, she had no choice. She could not live like that. And yet, her body betrayed her every time. It was humiliating to realize that holiness did not make her immune to that pull. It made her feel rotten at the core, as if the evil had always lived inside her, patiently waiting for a moment of weakness to surface.

She had managed to avoid looking at the back rows for most of the class. As usual, her gaze was fixated just above the student's heads, above her head, on the crucifix hung there. Do not look, she mentally scolded herself, do not invite temptation. But her body seemed to disagree with her mind. Why don't you fear him? Why don't you fear what comes after? She wanted to ask. And of course, by the end of class, Aeri charged again.

"This is not time," Jimin tried to sound sharp before the girl could speak.

"Is it ever?" Aeri asked calmly.

Jimin closed her eyes briefly to compose herself and whispered a quick prayer under her breath. "Not really, no." She huffed and straightened her posture when the student walked closer.

"You talk about God like he is easily breakable," Aeri crossed her arms.

"How dare you speak of him like that?" Jimin's eyes narrowed instantly.

"What is it? If he is real, I'm sure he can handle doubt." The brunette arched her brows.

Late nights she had spent kneeling until her legs hurt, whispering prayers that were left unanswered, the exhaustion caused by the lifestyle she had chosen. All of it replayed in her mind for a few seconds.

"Faith is about obedience," Jimin clenched her jaw. "It's not about questioning everything."

"Or.. it is about fear," Aeri said quietly.

She felt exposed, felt that ugly feeling crawling inside her stomach again. She wanted her to stop talking, to stop pushing her further into madness. To stop tempting her.

"You think you know better than him?" Jimin demanded, her voice cracking at the end of the sentence. "You think your feelings give you the right to redefine sin? Feelings are deceitful, they lead people away from the right path."

"What if his rules hurt people?" Aeri took a step closer, and Jimin noticed how she seemed to pity her, how she genuinely seemed to want to help her. "What if calling love a sin is what's wrong?"

She hated the way her breath hitched, the way desire coiled low in her stomach when she felt the brunette close. It was humiliating, disgusting. She took a step back, the back of her knees hitting the front of her desk. "God does not hurt people," she said with a trembling voice. "People hurt themselves by disobeying him."

Aeri shook her head lightly. "No, people hurt people. And then they blame God so they don't have to take responsibility for it."

Jimin couldn't help her next move. Her hand immediately fled to Aeri's arm, gripping it firmly. "You will not corrupt this place. You will not twist what's written to excuse your filthy desires."

Aeri winced and pushed her hand away. "Why are you so scared of us in the first place? Are you scared that if I step too close to you, you might want to give in and listen to what you want most?"

She recoiled from Aeri's words as if she had been slapped, her accusation landing a bit too close to home. The word scared was humiliating in its accuracy. "That is enough," she hissed as if anger could soothe the wound Aeri had teared wide open. Her heartbeat echoed in her ears. "I won't let you speculate about me like that."

"Don't worry, I'm not trying to corrupt you, Sister." Aeri said softly. "I think you're already at war against yourself."

"Leave," Jimin pointed toward the door with a shaky hand. "Get out before you say something you can not afford to take back."

Aeri seemed to hesitate, lingering there for a few more seconds. Eventually, she exited the classroom and the door closed shut behind her. Jimin stood there long after she had left, staring at the crucifix hanging at the back of the room. Christ's suffering gaze stared down at her. She pressed a hand to her chest and nearly choked on air. Woe to those who call evil good, she whispered silently, trying to drown the echo of Aeri's voice.