a friend. your friend.

“we can stay as friends.”

how can you stay friends with someone who had your heart for years?

how can i hide the love remaining in my heart that still only yearns for you?

should i just put up a facade in order to fulfill this role properly?

the role of just being your friend.

wanting to hold you like i used to, but i can’t.

because i’m just your friend now.

but looking at your expectant eyes now, they remind me of the version of you that i love so deeply.

so i fold.

don’t get me wrong, i don’t want to perform as your friend.

i don’t want to pretend that i don’t feel something when i clearly do.

i just want to escape and leave this pain behind.

but you make it so easy to stay.

over time, the awkwardness dissipated, but my feelings remained the same. they’re still there.

my heart? it’s still beating, yearning for you.

you tell me about your life just like you used to when we were together.

but this time, i have to restrain myself from doing what we used to do.

because we’re just friends.

you speak to me like i am safe, like i am neutral ground. you unravel stories without hesitation, offering them in little fragments.

and i listen. i nod. i ask questions.

because that is what friends do.

but you don’t see the way i bury every instinct i have to reach for you.

the way i silence every line that would give me away.

i hide these remaining feelings and try and disguise them into something acceptable.

something that will not cross the line of what you allowed us to be.

because losing you entirely would be much worse than this.

worse than the day you decided to end our relationship.

worse than the day you said you were seeing someone new.

worse than loving you in silence.

and so i stay.

as someone who sees you.

as someone who is always there.

as someone who listens to your stories who no longer have me as the main character.

the hero that saves the princess.

because that role is reserved for someone else now.

and you know what the hardest part is?

it’s not that i still love you.

it’s not that i cannot have you.

it’s how i have to face you, stand close next to you, listen to you,

and choose, every time you speak to me,

to remain only a friend.