Back to December

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".

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December 2018

One week after that fight, Y/n asked me to meet. Of course, we didn’t go together. I refused when he offered to pick me up at the boutique, saying I wanted to stop by the fabric store first before heading to the café.

What I said wasn’t entirely a lie. I did go to the fabric store, but I didn’t buy anything. I had an appointment with the owner and took the chance to look at the new arrivals.

“I was really shocked when I saw you throw away the flowers I gave you,” Y/n started the conversation.

I kept my lips tightly closed. The jazz music playing in the café should have calmed me down, but I was extremely nervous. My heart couldn’t settle because there was something I needed to tell him—something that might one day destroy me.

“You’re that angry with me, huh? To the point you ignored my calls and messages. I’m really sorry. I promise I won’t do it again, Jihyo,” he said earnestly.

“You’re not wrong, Y/n,” I replied.

I took a deep breath, then slowly let it out.

“You’re not at fault. The one who’s wrong is me and my feelings,” I continued.

“What do you mean?”

“I want us to break up, Y/n.”

The atmosphere fell silent. Y/n stared at me with a sharp gaze. I was sure he was holding back his anger. Yes, I knew this decision of mine was completely unreasonable. It was such a small issue, yet it had successfully messed up my heart. But I also wanted to free myself from the doubts that had been haunting me. I wanted to be alone and calm my heart.

“Hyo… I asked you to meet so we could make up, not to end everything,” Y/n said as he reached for both of my hands.

I tried hard to hold back my tears. Crying in front of Y/n in this situation wouldn’t look good at all. It would be like undermining my own desire to separate from him. I pulled my hands away from his grip. I had to set a clear boundary so he would know I was serious.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“What am I lacking, Hyo?! I’ve always given you everything you wanted. And now you want to stop just like this? I really love you!”

“I’m sorry. This isn’t because of you, it’s because of me.”

“Jihyo… I’ll give you some time alone to think about this again. Remember our memories, Hyo. I don’t want to break up with you. We’ve faced the hard times and happy times together. Didn’t you say you wanted to marry me? So why are you now—”

“I don’t want to get married. I’m sorry… Please forgive me, Y/n… Please, don’t force me to stay!”

I lowered my head. I didn’t dare look into those beautiful dark eyes. I knew that being with him used to feel wonderful. But after spending one week in silence, reflecting on my own feelings, that wonderful feeling had started to lose its color. Honestly, I didn’t want to hurt someone who loved me sincerely. But I really didn’t want Y/n to suffer even more because of my selfishness.

“Why don’t you want to get married? You’re not ready yet? That’s fine! I can wait until you’re ready.”

“Please! Don’t wait for me, Y/n!” I begged, almost forcing the words out.

“Hyo!”

“Y/n!”

I lifted my head and forced myself to look him in the eyes. The man who usually looked firm in his black shirt now looked so weak. Anyone could curse me for wasting the love of this great man. Because yes, I didn’t want to continue this feeling of boredom in my relationship with Y/n.

“Forgive me one more time…”

Y/n didn’t reply with words. He looked at me sadly, as if begging me to take my words back.

“And don’t ever wait for me. Because that will only add to the burden in my heart,” I added.

After saying what might have destroyed Y/n’s heart, I walked out of the café. Before getting into my car, I looked up at the sky. The afternoon was so bright, and I felt relieved. At least the rain didn’t come to add to anyone’s sadness.

A moment later, I remembered my dreams with Y/n—living in a simple house and having two children. One boy and one girl. Y/n had even prepared names for our future children. But everything was ruined because of my selfishness.

Yes, everyone becomes forgetful when drunk on love. Things that should be taboo feel normal. Things that haven’t happened yet feel like they will definitely happen in the future. Everything that has been planned seems to go smoothly.

Feelings that overflow make humans forget that God can turn everything around.

If one day this choice of mine turns out to be wrong, I will bear it myself. I hope God gives happiness to Y/n and his family. No matter what, they are good people.