cowards

"Y/n," Y/n turned his head to look at the door of his room that had swung open, revealing a girl still wearing her wedding dress. Only the makeup on her face had been removed, and her hair was let down, slightly messy. The girl had been his wife for a few hours now.

"What's wrong?" Y/n said softly, although his face clearly showed he wasn't interested.

"I was opening our wedding gifts and found this." The girl lifted a long rectangular white envelope. "I think this belongs to you and you only." She chuckled at the end of her sentence as she approached Y/n's desk.

Y/n remained silent as he looked at the letter. There was beautiful cursive writing on the front that read: For Y/n Only.

"Thank you," he said while glancing at his wife. "Why haven't you changed your clothes yet?"

The girl observed him for a few seconds then smiled. "I was waiting for you." She teased while winking one eye and giggled when she saw Y/n sigh, looking annoyed. "Kidding! I still want to open our wedding gifts. I got a lot of lingeries, for your information." She giggled again and left Y/n's room after successfully teasing her husband.

After his wife left, Y/n picked up the letter and leaned back in his chair, turning the white envelope over to examine it. Besides the writing stating that the letter was addressed only to Y/n—which seemed to emphasize that only Y/n had the right to it—there was no other writing on the white envelope.

Y/n tilted his head. He was still guessing who it was from and what the contents of the letter were when he brought the envelope closer. A sweet spice scent mixed with a familiar citrus and musky fragrance attacked his sense of smell. His brain immediately thought of one name—the owner of this perfume scent.

Y/n's heart beat fast, and suddenly he became very nervous. His gaze, which had been sharp and flat, began to show emotion. Y/n knew many people who used similar-smelling perfumes, but for some reason, out of all the names he knew, his brain only thought of that girl. However, the trace of floral honey scent that became the base of the perfume was indeed a characteristic unique to her.

It felt tight because of the many emotions that suddenly attacked his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe, and Y/n's eyes became watery.

For quite a while, Y/n just stared at the letter in his hand. Y/n was sure it was her. But Y/n couldn't guess why the girl had given him this letter.

"What is this for, Ahn Yujin?" Y/n muttered, staring blankly at the letter.

Without wanting to think too much about the letter, Y/n simply set the envelope aside and stood up from his work chair, leaving his desk. Y/n knew Yujin was indeed a slightly more poetic person, and the girl might have just sent congratulations on his wedding. Y/n smiled bitterly.

However, he had only taken one step out of his room when Y/n froze in place. His hand gripped the door handle tightly. Although his face remained flat and looked firm, the faint wrinkles on his forehead and eyebrows couldn't be hidden. The man sighed, turned his body around, and went back into his room, then locked the door.

Y/n's steps were firm as he walked toward his desk and sat back down in his favorite chair—completely the opposite of his heart, which was filled with turmoil.

He picked up the envelope and opened the seal in a hurry, but still tried not to damage it. The scent of the letter wafted out, attacking his sense of smell.

Y/n’s breathing felt heavy as he saw the folded ivory-white paper and took it out. Y/n closed his eyes. He felt like he needed to gather a lot of courage to read the letter. Because Y/n knew that even if the contents were just strings of prayers and congratulations for him, it could still hurt his heart.

Y/n took a long breath twice and opened his eyes.

"Fuck you, Ahn Yujin." He hissed and unfolded the paper.

"...."

For a moment that felt torturous, Y/n felt his heart stop and then beat again, only to throb painfully as soon as he read the two opening sentences of the letter. He had not expected to receive a surprise like this.

A letter for Y/n.

The guy I like for a couple long good years.

Hi!

To be honest, it's kinda awkward for me and I don't know where to start.

If I were to recall where and when it all began, it might take another couple years.

But let's just start it. So, here we go.

We're neighbors. But we're really never friends. Just two people who coincidentally became neighbors who ended up sharing a very little part of each other's childhood.

But as time passed by and we grew up, things changed.

To be specific, things only changed for me. And not for you.

At first, to be honest, it was kind of confusing for me.

Because it was something I've never felt before.

It was odd and new...

But somehow, it didn't feel bad. It was good, great actually.

That time I knew, I have a crush on you.

But I still found it confusing cause we hardly ever talked nor interacted, then how the fuck I like you?

That was exactly what I was thinking when I realized what I feel for you.

It was just... How??? Why???

Was it because of your eyes?

Or your sweet smile that goes along with it when you played with the kids?

Or maybe that white and black shabby polo shirts you were always wearing?

Or because of your kind heart who once helped me with no second thought when I was asking your favor jokingly?

Or maybe..., I don't need any reason because it was literally everything about you?

I really don't know.

All I knew was..., By only thinking about you could make me feel flustered and shy but happy. Only seeing you walk past me could make me feel like there were lots of butterflies flying in my tummy.

I was young that time, too ignorant and naive. But I know, I was happy. Having a crush on you, loving you, making me happy.

Even though it's one sided.

But then, a lot of things happened about you, about me.

College and work keep us away. I can't see you as often as I used to.

I can only miss you. But everytime I come back home, I'll try to stay updated about you.

I missed a lot of things about you.

I heard you had your first heartbreak.

I heard you had found your love again.

Then, I heard you lost it, again.

Until you found your the one.

And me?

I was there.

I was just there, behind you all these times.

Supporting and loving you from afar, out of your sight, behind you.

Y/n..., Do you know the hardest part of loving you?

It's not when I don't have the ability to see you or a courage to look at your eyes everytime you pass me by, or a courage to make a first step to get closer to you, even when I badly want to.

That was hard, but still not the right answer.

Cause I realize, it was just a coward of me.

The hardest part of loving you was..., when I knew... what I was to you.

That's when I realized where I really belong in your life.

Truth to be told, we don't always get what we want.

Because there I knew, I was just a supporting character in the story I dreamed of leading.

I was just the girl who likes and will like you from afar.

I know, if people found out this letter, they would say I sounded so silly for still loving you in those long years.

It's just not easy to end a story I dont really know how it started.

Or maybe it was just foolish of me to long for something that was never gonna be mine from the start.

That's also fine.

Overall, this....

This will end here and now.

I will end this long chapter of one sided story.

And again, that's life, right?

Everything happens for a reason. Loving you all this time has taught me a lot of things.

Emotions, patience, heartbreak, etc.

And that's also a life, things aren't just meant to be.

Like us. Like you and me.

Lol, enough.

This letter becomes too long, I'm starting to tire of writing it and I don't want you to get fed up, so I'll stop here.

Thank you and good bye, my teenage lovers, my one sided love, Y/n.

Happy wedding, neighbor!

I sincerely hope all the best for you and her.

Be happy always!

See you when I see you!!

Sincerely,

Your neighbor, Ahn Yujin.

Y/n remained motionless after reading the entire contents of the letter that Yujin had written. The letter now lay on the table, displaying Yujin’s beautiful handwriting. Y/n’s body felt weak while his head grew heavy.

A very shocking surprise. An extraordinary wedding gift. To the point that Y/n felt like running back to the church where he got married this morning and asking for the marriage to be canceled. No, he felt like turning back time. If only...

Y/n’s body trembled slightly from his chuckle. He tilted his head up, staring wistfully at the ceiling of his room. The image of the girl when their eyes met while Y/n was dancing with his wife appeared—her sweet smile and her eyes that curved beautifully—haunting his mind.

Y/n didn’t know that Yujin could be this cruel. If they were just ordinary neighbors where Yujin was merely one of his childhood playmates, and not the girl he had liked for years, Y/n would have thought Yujin was crazy for sending him a love letter—whether he could still consider this letter a love letter or not—on his wedding day.

The problem was, Y/n also had the same feelings for Yujin all this time. Always. Until finally he gave up before even trying to fight for anything and accepted the arranged marriage suggested by his parents.

Therefore, for Y/n, Ahn Yujin was the cruelest woman. All this time, Y/n had loved Yujin in silence, glancing at her with full caution so as not to be noticed every time he walked past Yujin, who always seemed unaffected by his presence.

Y/n knew and admitted that he was indeed a coward. Y/n had never dared to start anything with that girl. Not to start a conversation or even just greet her first. How could he? Because even when the corner of his eye caught Yujin’s shadow, Y/n’s heart would immediately rebel, beating very fast, and Y/n would become flustered himself. So ridiculous.

But that was how much Y/n loved Yujin.

Meanwhile, Yujin? From Y/n’s point of view, the girl didn’t even seem to notice that Y/n existed in her world.

If only Y/n knew that Yujin also wanted him...

If only Yujin realized that Y/n had loved her in silence all this time...

If only one of them had enough courage to take the first step...

Their story could have ended with a beautiful ending...

Y/n let out a heavy sigh because his throat felt choked and his chest felt tightly pressed, making it difficult for him to breathe.

"What do you mean by sending me this, Ahn Yujin? What do you want? I never knew you were this cruel." Y/n couldn't even define what his heart was feeling other than the pain that accompanied every heartbeat.

It was funny because Yujin sent him a love confession letter along with a notification that she would end her feelings on Y/n's wedding day. Y/n picked up the letter again; the final paragraph was reread by his eyes, and Y/n could even imagine the girl's expression—her beautiful, sincere smile must have been there—when she wrote the congratulatory sentences and prayed for his marriage, because Y/n could feel that sincerity. A sincerity that instead created waves of pain invading his heart.

Y/n closed his eyes. Images of Yujin sitting on her house porch, Yujin watering flowers in her yard, Yujin playing with the little kids in front of her house, Yujin walking past his house, and all of Y/n's memories of Yujin that he had always secretly stolen glances of flooded his brain. One by one, scenes from the past involving the girl attacked Y/n until the final scene where Yujin stood in front of him that morning, smiling sweetly in a soft blue dress with her beautiful flowing blonde hair, saying congratulations to him.

"Congratulations on your marriage, Neighbor!" Yujin's voice echoed, clashing with his own voice as he read the same sentence in the letter Yujin wrote.

A long breath escaped Y/n as tears slowly flowed from his closed eyes. Y/n opened his eyes, blinked, and wiped the tears from his cheeks with his fingers while pulling a small, genuinely sincere smile.

The man reached for a pen, tore a piece of paper from his journal, and wrote something on it. Then he neatly folded the paper along with Yujin's letter, put them both back into the envelope, and sealed it again. Carefully and neatly, before storing the envelope inside the safe in his drawer.

Y/n stared at it for a moment, smiled faintly again, then closed the safe and the drawer, and stepped out of his desk.

Y/n stopped in his dors, surprised to find his wife standing behind the door of his room while holding a tray with a teapot and teacup.

"Eh? Are you done? I was just about to bring you some tea," she said.

Y/n nodded, took the tray while one hand closed the door to his room. "Thank you, I'll drink it in later." Y/n led his wife to their room. "Why aren't you sleeping yet?"

"Oh? I was waiting for you." The girl winked.

Y/n chuckled again, knowing he was being teased once more. "Want to drink tea and chat to get to know each other better before sleeping?" the man offered, gesturing for his wife to enter their room first.

His wife nodded. "Sure!"

Hello there too, Ahn Yujin.

What you wrote in your letter..., was something I never expected but also thing I always prayed for.

The feeling I felt when I first read it was mad.

Like, why didn't you send it earlier?

Then I have many thoughts of 'if only this..., If only that..., Then maybe we could have a different ending, etc.' Until I realized..., it was my fault too.

Paloma was right, Ahn Yujin. Only love can hurt like this.

Cause little do you know, Neighbor, all this time, your love was never one sided and little did I know, mine too.

But it was too late, wasn't it?

We were too cowardly.

You're right, Yujin. This is life. Things aren't just meant to be and it happened for a reason.

So, together, let's end this long chapter story of us lowkey in love with each other but too cowardly to approach one another.

Let's close the book and make a new story of our own and continue our new love life journey.

Overall, not ending up together doesn't mean we can't have our happy ending, right? And a happy ending, doesn't mean we always have to be together just because we were in love.

Nonetheless, I am very grateful for knowing, becoming your neighbor and loving you.

You taught me alot too.

Ahn Yujin..., Thank you for making me feel something I've never thought I would.

Thank you for being an adorably sweet first love.

Thank you for the sweetest smiles and moments I would never forget.

Thank you for being part of my life. And just for your information, every part where there was you in it was very beautiful, lovely and undeniably pleasant.

I may be ending it all here, but you'll still have a very special place in me.

The place that will always remain as yours.

I wish you all the best too, Yujinie.

I wish you'll find your future love who will love you just as big as you love him, bigger is better. The one who can always make you happy, cherish and support you.

Be happy always too, Ahn Yujin.

See you again, Neighbor!

With love,

Your boy next door, Y/n.