TWENTY

“Also, after that, there was one more thing. Tiffany asked Jessica when her reports were due, and then asked her what she would write in her report since she stayed in her residence the whole time. Apparently, Jessica already had to submit a report that had almost nothing on it, and she told us not to worry about it, that she won’t include the day’s events in her reports. Tiffany scolded her for it, saying that it was dangerous to lie to a man like him, meaning her father. This confused Jessica, and me too honestly, so she asked about it. Tiffany then clarified that her anger was because of Jessica’s lie, but once she realized her situation, Tiffany forgave her from understanding her situation.

“That’s another thing I really admire about her. She’s really empathetic and can read people well, which is especially important for someone like me. As I said already, I started to realize that I might like her a while ago, but after all that happened two days ago, and after spending all day yesterday listing and compartmentalizing everything I liked about Tiffany yesterday, that feeling got stronger.

“I still don’t know though, because I’ve never liked a woman before and I’m scared that I might alienate Tiffany if I just tell her all these things and it just weirds her out; I mean, you can love a friend, right? There’s such a thing as platonic love, so it might be that, right? What do you think?”

Hayeon was smiling like an idiot throughout the whole story. “Unnie, you’re so cute,” she replied simply. “It’s ok to admit that you’re in love. So what if it’s a girl? It’s still love, right?”

“L-Love? I only met her a month ago, can you fall in love that quickly?”

“Sure you can!” Hayeon said energetically, “Unnie, this is exciting for you. Do you know what this means?”

I shook my head. Maybe it was due to the scar from my past, but I still couldn’t accept it. Love was more complicated than that, especially because everyone was different and had their own agendas. I couldn’t imagine Tiffany was like that, but then again … “I don’t know. I think I could call it a crush, but not love,” I admitted.

She nodded enthusiastically, “Sure, it’s a crush then. Still, this is exciting for you!”

I couldn’t help but smile: her energy was still as dangerously contagious as it was in high school. “Yes, yes, I understand Hayeon-ah,” I said, patting her hand, “What about you though? Do you have a boyfriend yet?”

“Ah-ah,” she interjected, “Don’t try to run away from the topic. Tell me more about Tippani.”

I pouted. “What more do you want to hear from me? I told you so much already.”

“Hm,” Hayeon stopped to think, tapping the spoon against her mouth, “What kinds of things did she do that made you think that she might like you as well?”

“Oh,” I responded dumbly, looking down at the table, hoping that I wasn’t blushing. Those were memories I would rather not recount in front of others, precious as they were to me. “Um, well, I don’t know, it just—”

“Aww unnie, you’re blushing!”

Well shit. Great. Perfect. Good job, Taeyeon. Why can I never do anything correctly?

“I never knew Taeyeon could be this cute~” she cooed, smiling widely.

“Yah, Hayeon,” I reprimanded her, “I’m older than you, you know.”

“Only by one year,” she reminded me, “Not that you even look older than me. Now go on, tell me all about her advances onto you.”

I sighed, wondering how I should go about wording everything. “Well she doesn’t really do much I guess, she just says a lot of stuff, like she would date me or that she—” I stopped myself before I could reveal anything too perverse. “—basically, she would always threaten to do things you’d expect couples to do,” I said in a noticeably quieter voice.

“Oh, so like se—” I reached over the table and covered her mouth before she could continue that sentence, feeling my cheeks burn a fierce red.

“No! Not like that! Like…” I stopped to quiet my voice down. “Like kissing and going on dates and stuff.”

“You should have accepted then! You haven’t even had your first kiss yet, right? If you really do love her, or at least have a crush on her, then you should pursue her! I mean, I feel like no one could resist you if you really try, unnie.”

Hearing all of this but feeling such a contradictory emotion was immensely frustrating. Here Hayeon was, encouraging me with all her might, and I wanted to meet my high school friend’s expectations, but it just felt … impossible. There was a roadblock in my head, a mental obstacle, a nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me of my past experience on the subject that killed my motivation. Even the prospect of following through with Hayeon’s suggestion caused anxiety to blossom in my chest: my lungs constricted uncomfortably, my arms and legs growing restless, an overall discomfort enveloping my body. Would I just be annoying if I told her this? Would she just get frustrated at me, as frustrated as I was at myself, if I informed her of my troubles?

No, it’s my problem. Not only that, but she’s younger than me. I’ll just try my best to heed her advice, attempting to work through the trials and tribulations. “I’ll try, Hayeonie.”

“Good luck, unnie! You can do it!” she cheered me on, giving me an encouraging fist pump. I smiled again, feeling the effects of her infectious happiness.

I sighed, scooping out another bite of ice cream. Can I? What if Tiffany got weirded out from my advances and started to distance herself away from me? I mean, I at least know that Tiffany’s sexual preferences includes women.

“So what will your first move be? Ooh, you should sing for her! Bring her to karaoke and sing a ballad for her,” Hayeon suggested animatedly.

“I don’t know, I don’t sing that much nowadays,” I told her, “Plus, we already went to karaoke before.”

“Oh really? What did she think? What did she say?”

I remembered her reaction, pursing my lips. “It wasn’t negative,” I said carefully, unwilling to reveal more.

“Aww come on, that’s too vague. Did she think you were an angel? Did she fall in love with you after listening to you? Did you sing a duet together?”

Though I chose not to respond, I had the suspicion that the blush creeping up my face was more than sufficient to tell the whole story.

“Oh? Did everything I just said happen?” she continued, giddy as ever.

“Never mind,” I desperately insisted. Embarrassing myself in front of Hayeon was definitely not on my to-do checklist for meeting her today. My phone received a notification shortly after, which normally would be ignored if I wasn’t so relieved to escape the situation for a little while.

However, upon seeing the message’s sender, my heart skipped a beat.

No Taeyeon, don’t jump to conclusions. Read the message.

However, it was as I suspected. I had intermittent contact with them for the last month, but there was never a hint that they were returning home this soon.

“I’m so sorry Hayeon, but my parents just got home, and—”

“Really?! What are you standing here for? Go!” she said animatedly, shooing me away. I stood up and smiled gratefully at her, but not before she gave me a cheeky, “Good luck with Tippani!”

I chose not to respond, running the rest of the way home, which was impressive given that I never partook in strenuous physical activity. My heart was pounding the entire way, I couldn’t even think properly, my lungs starting to constrict from a lack of oxygen; I probably looked crazy, being this small woman, racing down the street with a lopsided smile, but for some reason, I didn’t care at all.

“Mom? Dad?” I said tentatively as I stepped through the door.

“Sorry Taeyeoh-ah, were you hanging out with a friend?”

My mom emerged from the living room as I was putting on my slippers.

“Mom!” I yelled, scampering over to her, jumping into her arms.

“My baby,” she greeted in kind. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath, a warm, homey shiver traveling throughout my body.

“You aren’t going straight back to work are you?” I asked, peering at her. The worry I felt for them must have been evident in my eyes, as mom laughed heartily.

“Taeyeon-ah, I’m the mom here,” she chuckled, “How have you been? Have you been having fun with your new friends?”

I nodded, smiling as dad walked into my peripheral vision. “Dad!”

“Hi princess,” he laughed, catching me easily.

However, as I was hugging him, something felt off. “Dad, you feel skinny,” I said, reaffirming my suspicions by grabbing his arms.