Where you go, I go

Torn in between the complexity of love and the sheer will to save you, I stand. 

Even in the face of the loneliness and emptiness that reign over the mattress, I shall progress.

Lost and desperate, that’s how Aeri had been feeling over the past week. There hadn’t been a day where she hadn’t nearly clawed at herself to fight the urge to reach for a bottle. Just a single drop, it can’t be that bad, it cannot hurt me. But yes it could and would have, she knew it. 

Her only way out was to smoke. She was more than aware that it wasn’t any better than to drink, that using one addiction to fight another wasn’t a solution, but she had no other options left. 

On a rainy Thursday, she went back to Jimin’s building. Her whole body was tense, the fabric of her clothes felt too tight on her skin, and her hair wouldn’t stop falling in front of her eyes because of the wind. 

With a shaky hand, she pressed the buzzer. There was no answer, and she hesitated to keep pushing to get one. 

She tried again, not sure whether she was doing the right thing. 

The intercom crackled and her breath caught. 

“S-stop,” Jimin’s voice cracked on the other side of the line. “Please, stop.” 

“I need to talk to you,” Aeri leaned closer to the device, as if she could feel more of her presence by doing so. 

“You can’t be there,” Jimin said weakly. 

“I know, but I need to be,” Aeri said more firmly. 

Jimin didn’t respond right away, and Aeri could hear her breath through the line. “He’s not home right now. But he could come back any minute.” 

“Then let me in I–I’ll be quick I promise I just need to–” 

Aeri didn’t have time to finish her sentence because the door buzzed open. She nearly ran up the stairs, quickly taking in the unsanitary conditions of the building; the cracked paint on the walls, the flickering bulb on the ceiling. 

Jimin was waiting in the doorway, her arms weirdly crossed over her chest. She looked thin, so thin Aeri’s heart clenched at the sight. There was a bruise on her cheek, probably caused by the slap Aeri had witnessed. 

“You shouldn’t have come,” Jimin breathed shakily. 

“I had to,” Aeri’s brows furrowed, and she tried her best not to pull her into a hug, painfully aware that it would cause them more harm than good. She took a step closer. “I saw what he did to you, and I can’t just sit back and pretend that it didn’t happen.” 

Fear flashed across Jimin’s face. “That’s none of your business.” 

“It becomes my business when I’m in love with you,” Aeri’s jaw clenched. 

Jimin’s eyes fluttered shut and she turned her face away. “Stop, don’t say that.” 

Aeri gave up the idea of trying to hold back and gently pressed a hand to her shoulder. “Come with me, please.” She said softly. “Right now, and we’ll figure out the rest later.” 

Jimin nervously laughed. “I can’t. Nothing is ever that simple.” She pressed her lips together, looking at Aeri’s hand on her shoulder. 

“Explain it to me then, I’ll help you.” Aeri frowned.

Jimin quickly wiped her eyes to avoid tears from rolling down her cheeks. “He knows where my family lives. If I leave, he’ll hurt them. He told me that before. He has got friends in the police department, they always go out to drink together.” She paused, a sob escaping from her lips. “Do you really think they’d believe me over him?” 

Aeri felt a wave of helplessness wash over her. She ran a hand through her hair, pulling on it slightly. “There has to be something, a point of leverage we can use–” 

“There isn’t,” Jimin cut her off. “I tried, trust me. This is my life now, I’ve accepted it, so you need to do the same.” 

Anger flared hot in Aeri’s chest, but she tried her best not to let it out, knowing that Jimin was already terrified. “I–No. You can’t expect me to stand still and just pray for you to survive this I–I can’t.” 

“Well, you have to.” Jimin let out a bitter laugh that surely wasn’t directly at Aeri. 

Aeri couldn’t help the tears from falling. It streamed from her eyes and eventually soaked through her hoodie. Neither of them dared move for what felt like hours but was probably mere seconds. 

“I’m working on something,” Jimin whispered then. “But it’s going to take time.” 

“How much time?” Aeri looked up, hope filling her eyes. 

“Months, probably.” Jimin offered her a crooked smile. “I need to save money, to make copies of documents, to find a place that’s far enough that he won’t think to look. But my first priority is to make sure my family is safe.” 

Aeri squeezed her shoulder gently, too scared to initiate any other forms of physical contact. “What can I do to help?” 

“You should stay away,” Jimin said, sadness in her tone. “When you’re coming here, you’re putting yourself in danger. And if it ends up hurting you because of me, I won’t be able to bear it.” 

Aeri could and couldn’t understand her reasoning. Asking her to stay away was torture, it complicated things. But at the same time she understood why Jimin was asking her that. 

“What if I’m not afraid of him?” She asked. 

“You should be,” Jimin’s voice cracked. “He’s dangerous, Aeri. More dangerous than you know. He keeps asking me who I was with when I left, where I go when I’m out. If he was to find out about us, he would kill you, and then he would kill me.” 

Aeri wanted to argue, to say fuck it and pull her into a kiss right then, to grab her wrist and to run away with her, to insist that love could conquer everything. But she could see the bruises, had seen the impact of his hand against Jimin’s face. This wasn’t a fairy tale, this was a nightmare. 

“Meet me somewhere,” Aeri finally said. “Somewhere only we know, somewhere he won’t see. Just so I know you’re okay.” 

Hesitation flickered across Jimin’s face. “I-I don’t know if I can.” 

“Please,” Aeri whispered shakily. 

Jimin closed her eyes to think. “There’s a church near the old cemetery. I go there sometimes when he’s working. On Sunday mornings around ten.” 

“I’ll be there,” Aeri swallowed hard. “Jimin?” 

“Yes?” Jimin met her eyes. 

“Can I kiss you?” Aeri asked weakly, her hands shaking at her sides. 

“N-no,” Jimin admitted painfully, a sob ripping up her throat. “You can’t–y–you need to leave right now.” 

Aeri nodded slowly and tried her best not to fall on her knees before her. All she needed was a hug, a brief kiss, a sweet word to keep her going, to motivate her to keep fighting her addiction. But Jimin couldn’t give her that, rightfully so, which didn’t make it hurt less. 

She rushed down the stairs and pounded her chest, right above her heart, several times, the pain she was feeling becoming physical. She was breathing heavily, tears blurred her vision, and her mind was screaming at her to turn back and go find Jimin to get her out of the building.

But none of this was realistic. So she slowly made her way back to her apartment, unbearably aware of how much her heart hurt. 

She sat in the last pew and waited, her hands folded on her lap. The pews bore the marks of decades of use, and she wondered why people felt a sense of peace every time they walked into a church. She had never believed in God, and would never do so. Not that she hated the thought, but she simply had never been drawn to it. 

After some time, Jimin slipped through the side door. She had her hands buried into her coat’s pockets. She scanned the room and when she found Aeri, she made her way over, sitting beside her. 

“I’ve been coming here for years,” Jimin said after a moment where neither of them spoke a word. “There’s something about churches that makes you want to confess things, you know.” 

Aeri arched a brow. “Do you wish to confess something?” 

Jimin smiled sadly and drummed her fingers against her thigh. “A lot of things, but I don’t know where to start.” 

Aeri reached over and intertwined their fingers. “I’ve been sober for ten days.” 

Jimin’s head snapped to the side, her eyes widening. “Really?” She asked softly. 

“Yeah,” Aeri smiled faintly, her thumb brushing against Jimin’s knuckles. 

“How?” Jimin asked, squeezing Aeri’s hand. 

“I decided that if you were going to fight to survive, the least I could do was to fight as well.” Aeri admitted. 

Jimin’s eyes filled with tears and her mouth opened and closed several times before she could speak. “I’m so proud of you.” 

The words seized Aeri’s heart, making her breath catch. She had desperately needed anything coming from Jimin, so hearing her say that meant the world. “Thank you. I’m trying to be proud of myself.” 

“I–I have enough money saved for a bus ticket, and I found a shelter that takes people in my situation.” Jimin said and Aeri smiled to herself, because their conversation sounded a bit too much like they were confessing things to one another, in a church. “They can help with new identities, finding a job, a place to stay, but I can’t leave until I know my family is safe.” 

“How can you do that?” Aeri brought Jimin’s hand to her lips, kissing the cold skin. 

“I wish I knew. I’m trying to figure it out.” Jimin’s ears reddened slightly at the gesture. 

Aeri took a moment to think of a solution. “What if they moved? For a little while, until things calm down.” 

“They can’t afford to do so,” Jimin shook her head, a sad smile on her lips. 

“And what if someone helped them out?” Aeri asked gently. 

“No,” Jimin said firmly. “I can’t ask anyone to do that.” 

“And what if I’m offering?” Aeri pressed her lips together. 

Jimin pulled her hand away, a frown forming on her face. “Aeri, no. Absolutely not.” 

“Why not?” Aeri asked, her tone desperate. 

“It’s way too much. I can’t let you spend money on my problems I–” 

Aeri hummed quietly in understanding. “You think you don’t deserve help.” Aeri nodded. “But you’re wrong.” 

“I’ve ruined everything I have ever touched. I’ve ruined my family’s lives, my own life, and now yours as well. I don’t–” she paused to take a deep breath. “I don’t want help from people I’ve ended up hurting.” 

Aeri frowned and turned to face her fully. “Jimin, you’ve given me a reason to stay alive and to keep trying.” 

Jimin pressed a hand to her face, covering her eyes with shaky fingers, shaking her head to the side weakly. “That–that’s too much pressure.” 

Aeri swallowed hard, because she did not mean it like that. She surely didn’t want to make Jimin feel pressured. So she remained silent, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. 

Jimin kept sniffling quietly beside her, occasionally hiccuping. And then, she spoke again. “Okay.” She simply said. 

Aeri blinked slowly. “Okay?” 

“Okay, I’ll let you help. But only if you promise me something.” Jimin glanced at her. 

“Anything,” Aeri nodded quickly, feeling a surge of hope fill her chest. 

“Promise me that you won’t throw away your recovery process for this. Please promise me that you’ll keep going to meetings and keep taking care of yourself.” Jimin said seriously, looking her dead in the eye. “If you relapse because of me, I’ll never forgive myself.” 

Aeri wiped her eyes and nodded furiously. “I–I promise.” 

Jimin sighed, probably out of relief and leaned her head on Aeri’s shoulder. “I’m so tired.” 

Aeri’s heart jumped at the gesture, but she immediately rested her head on top of hers. “I know baby, I know.” She whispered sadly. 

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending everything is fine,” Jimin whispered back. 

“Stop pretending, please.” Aeri said softly, taking her hand in hers. “At least when you’re with me.” 

Jimin closed her eyes. “What if I never manage to get out of this?” 

“You will.” Aeri said firmly, trying to convince both of them. “We’ll keep trying until we get you out of there.” 

The priest announced the end of the mass and people started standing up.

Jimin swallowed hard and checked the time. “I–I have to go before he wakes up.” 

Aeri’s heart dropped at the words, but she nodded in understanding. “When can I see you again?” 

“Next Sunday," Jimin smoothed down her coat. “Same time.” 

Aeri tried her best to give her a warm smile, even though all she wanted to do was to burst into tears once more. She had to be strong, for her. “I’ll be there. Take care until then, okay?”

Jimin’s lips twitched and so did her eyebrows. She hummed quietly and stood there without moving for a few seconds. Aeri didn’t know what to do, until Jimin leaned down and kissed her forehead. It was a brief and gentle kiss, but everything Aeri had needed to keep going. 

When Jimin left, she sat back on the pew and stared right in front of her blankly. She could still feel Jimin’s warm lips pressing on her skin. 

The path ahead is rocky, 

And the bed is still empty, 

But you kissed me, 

And that is worth a thousand debris.