The Fourteenth Letter From Dahyun

Seoul, South Korea

September 21, 1995

The day was hectic. To say the least.

But she was glad to finally be home.

Nayeon sighed when she removed her shoes and took one step inside. She stood there for a moment, dumbly looking around her apartment even if she knew that she wasn’t going to find what she was looking for.

Her own home felt emptier.

It always had been, but the feeling just grew since Bruce had passed away. She was so used to being greeted by his deep and lazy barking, then she would walk over to where the barrier was, open the door and watch him slowly waddle towards her even if he couldn’t see anymore. It was like he knew that she was there.

She missed the way he licked his snout whenever he barked. Or the sound of his nails tapping into her wooden floors whenever it was time to eat. Nayeon still kept his collar and leash by the door. She wasn’t ready to keep them away.

She missed him. Terribly.

Then again, if she was being honest, she would rather come home sad and lonely than angry and betrayed.

Daewoo had done enough.

And Nayeon felt like her heartbreak over Bruce had overlapped her anger towards him. It could be because of work, because things started to be busier than before. Or because she spent months doing things for herself and loving herself a little more.

Or because Dahyun and her letters had somehow healed her from it.

There was a lot to unpack, a lot of emotions for Nayeon to scrape out and reflect on. But one thing was for sure, Daewoo didn’t mean as much to her as he did before and that Dahyun had been a great friend who helped her heal with each letter the woman had sent. If anything, she was thankful for him, because then she wouldn’t have met Dahyun if she didn’t angrily send that letter to him.

Even when he showed up at her house and tried to mend things, she knew nothing could have taken back all the hurt that he had caused. The only thing she could have done was move on. It was the easiest thing to do. She still had something to hold onto when he had disrespected and degraded her like that.

Bruce was the only man that could make her heartbroken forever, Daewoo could eat shit for all she cared.

Nayeon shook herself out of her trance and finally started moving, beelining towards her couch and dropping herself on it.

She was tired.

She was sad, missing Bruce terribly.

And it didn’t help that she had been doing nothing but wait for Dahyun’s letter. It was the eve of her birthday, and she didn’t receive anything. She told Dahyun to only send her a letter because that would always make her feel better.

Especially after today.

Her bones felt weak, her head was hurting, her heart felt heavy. Her mind was all over the place.

Nayeon didn’t know what to think about first.

If she wanted to recall how Daewoo cheated on her then left and felt amazed at how unaffected she was already. Or that this was going to be the first birthday she would be celebrating without Bruce. The first one after eight years.

Or that Dahyun’s letter still hasn’t arrived yet.

A part of her felt like she didn’t have the right to complain because of the times she had delayed her letter on purpose the first few times they wrote to each other. Or how her emotional turmoil had also played a part of that. If Dahyun waited patiently for her delayed letters then she could do the same.

She even missed Dahyun’s birthday. Which still felt unforgivable. But she believed that her friend liked the gift she gave. She just wished Dahyun didn’t think that she could win her over with gifts.

Nayeon wanted to give something better. Something that wanted to show Dahyun how thankful she was for saving her life because of her simple letters.

Tears were starting to form, vision turning blurry as she stared at her ceiling. She remembered writing to Dahyun that she didn’t feel like a mess, but a part of her felt like she was lying and that she shouldn’t have said that to Dahyun.

Maybe it was a part of her that wanted to prove to Dahyun that she was normal or had her shit together. She knew that Dahyun had a stable job, she had friends and was able to work abroad. What did Nayeon have? Materialistically, she had everything. She could buy anything she wanted. But she still felt like something was missing in her life and she honestly wished she could have a life that was simple.

Something like Dahyun.

There were moments where she wondered if she was envious of Dahyun or if she wanted to just be like Dahyun where her worries were… mundane. But Nayeon knew that it wasn’t good to be jealous over someone who also had her own struggles. Maybe Dahyun wasn’t the type to express them. Or she didn’t want to tell Nayeon because she was the one who was emotionally unstable.

She sighed again. That was probably why she lied. But she did hope that Dahyun felt good when she said those words. Nayeon may have felt like she lied about having her life in order, but how Dahyun made her feel was the truth.

Remembering the words made her feel flustered again. Why did she write that?

Then it hit her.

Was that the reason why Nayeon still hadn’t received a letter yet?

“Oh my god,” she groaned out, arm covering her eyes as tears started to drop. What an idiot she was.

Dahyun had already told her that she didn’t deal well when someone was showing any advances. But then again, was she even doing that? Nayeon didn’t mind if she wanted to flirt in writing, but Dahyun had specifically said she wasn’t comfortable enough for that. And what were they even? Were they close enough for Dahyun to be alright with this?

Great.

Maybe she really was lying to Dahyun. Because her life was indeed a mess.

Nayeon was about to allow herself to wail into the emptiness of her apartment, feeling her shoulders shake again from her crying. But then the sound of her buzzer rang through and that made her freeze. She took her arm off from her face and stared at the door, thinking that she was imagining things.

But then it rang again, and she frantically got up from her spot, wiping her tears away with her hands, smoothening her hair out with her hands. She got to the door, took a deep breath and peeked through the hole.

Her brows perked. What was he doing here? They just saw each other.

Nayeon opened the door to greet him. “Mingyu? Is something wrong? What are you doing here?”

“Sorry to bother you at this hour. But I had to go back because you have a package,” the tall man explained as she opened the door wider. He then handed her the small packaging.

She blinked, not moving an inch since she had bad experiences from unknown packages that were sent to her apartment. She simply stared at her employee. “I do?”

Mingyu furrowed his brows, slowly pointing at the package in his hand. “Right here.” Then he shook his head. “Front desk called us and wasn’t sure if it was safe, so I drove over to check it myself. It’s soft so I think it’s safe.”

She blinked, glancing back at the brown wrapper, noticing a card on top. She was scared to find out who sent it. But there was one person she had in mind, and she hoped it was from her.

“Where is it from?” she asked, still skeptical.

“Uhh…” Mingyu then picked the package and brought it closer to his face, squinting his eyes. “Tainan… Taiwan—h-hey!”

Nayeon didn’t know what came over her, or how she snatched the package from Mingyu, who was significantly taller than her. But she didn’t care. She grabbed the item from his large arms and pushed him away from the door.

She got a package.

From Taiwan.

Meaning if it was from Taiwan then it was from Dahyun.

“Who’s sending you stuff from Taiwan? I noticed you’ve been getting letters from the same address for months.”

Nayeon wasn’t paying attention anymore; her eyes were just plastered on the part of the package where Dahyun had clumsily wrote her name and all the other details.

Mingyu sighed. “So, I’m assuming this is safe?”

She finally snapped out of it. “Yeah, this is safe, it’s from my friend.” Then she flashed him a sheepish smile, already stepping back in her apartment and ready to close the door. “Thanks, Gyu. I’ll see you on Saturday!”

Mingyu shook his head and said goodbye, and Nayeon quickly closed her door and locked it immediately. She stood there for a moment, staring at the small card that contained familiar handwriting that was making her heart flutter.

With the sound of her door locking, she made sure to secure the rest before she ran back to the couch to open her package.

Her heart was racing. She wasn’t expecting this at all. Then she looked up at the clock hanging on the wall above her television. It was 11:47 PM. She had a choice at that moment. Either she waited three minutes before she opened the package, or she could just open it right then and there.

Nayeon had a hard time trying to keep calm. It was as if she had flown back in time, where she was a school girl who had received chocolate from her crush on valentines day. The giddy feeling was spreading like wildfire inside her body.

She couldn't believe it, that Dahyun really did what she said, sending her something for her birthday and it arrive on time and—

The brown wrapping had slowly fallen on the floor when she revealed the item. It was a scarf.

A scarf.

A handmade scarf.

Baby blue with white trimmings on it.

Her hands were frozen, feeling the softness of the yarn underneath her fingers. Dahyun made this for her? Her eyes were searching through the small details of it, the loose parts that were sticking out, how one stitch was tighter than the other. Small details that Nayeon wished that what she assumed were true. That this was made by Dahyun and not bought from the store.

She finally snapped out of it, hands moving, caressing each part of the scarf. It was as long as a usual scarf as well, and by the end—

There was a small stitching by the ends of the scarf, it was the size of her thumb, made clumsily but Nayeon saw it clearly. The letter N and the other side had a letter B.

Tears.

They fell again. She threw her face on the scarf, sobbing onto it, feeling her heart brew with mixed emotions of thankfulness and sorrow. There were so many things that were going through her head. How exhausted she was because of work, how worried she was because she wasn’t sure if her job was worth the decline of her heart, heartbroken because she wouldn’t be spending her birthday with Bruce when she always saved a birthday hat for him to wear.

But for some reason, all of these feelings had been taken away gently by someone she had met through paper. Dahyun had shown her many, many times that she was someone sent from the heavens, from a god that Nayeon had long forgotten.

The soft fabric beneath her fingers had dampened from her tears, but there was something that got her attention, something that made her stop crying. Nayeon took a moment and inhaled slowly.

Vanilla.

With a flowery scent following after.

Was this Dahyun’s scent?

If it was, then Nayeon shamelessly inhaled more of it, finding comfort in imagining that she was laying her head on Dahyun’s shoulder, hugging her tightly.

This was bad. Nayeon wanted to see her so badly.

She felt something fall onto her feet, and Nayeon finally pulled away from the scarf, looking down. There was a small note and behind it was Dahyun’s usual letter. She wiped her eyes away from tears with the back of her hand and picked up both the note and her letter, unfolding the small note first to read what it said.

Soft, blue, mixed with white
Colors of winter. Colors that remind me of you
I’m bad at poetry but I tried.
Happy birthday, Nayeon. :)
- Dahyun

Dear Nayeon,

I know I made a small note. But it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t write you a proper letter, right?

I sure hope that this letter came on your birthday. If not on your birthday, then maybe a day or days before. Because if it arrived after, then I might actually file a complaint towards the delivery company.

But happy birthday, Nayeon :)

Do you like my gift? But I want to apologize profusely for the bad handiwork. I spent the entire time trying to teach myself how to make the scarf. I think it was worth it because it turned out great. I hope it’s warm enough for the winter, so you could wear it yourself. Please don’t think I’m broke because your gift wasn’t store-bought. But do know that I put a lot of time and effort into your gift, and I wanted to make it special. Just wanted to because you gave me the perfect gift for my birthday, and I wanted to do the same for you. You deserve it.

Please wear it in the winter. But if it’s not good enough then I’m sorry. I tried. But don’t throw it away, please. I tried.

Anyway, what did you do for your birthday? Or what are your plans for today? I hope you get to spend it with family and friends. This probably must be your first birthday without Bruce, so I hope you were able to surround yourself with your friends and all that. I told myself that I’m going to buy a cake and place one candle, so that when it hits midnight, I’ll blow it out for you and whisper a happy birthday, hoping that it could reach you in some way.

I wish I was there with you, Nayeon.

I… I want to hug you as well. Like tightly. The kind where I want to wrap my arms around you and take in all the heavy things that have been weighing you down. I would take it for you, even for just one moment. You could rest your head on my shoulder or cry your heart out and I won’t mind if my shirt gets wet. I just want you to feel safe.

That’s kind of crazy. Because you have no idea how you make me feel as well. Which is crazy because we met this way, but it feels like I’ve known you since forever. You’re special to me, Nayeon. And I don’t know in what way. But maybe like how I feel towards Chaeyoung and my friends? I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. You make me feel something and I don’t know what it is, but I realized that I really don’t mind that I do.

Do I feel the same? I do. I very much do. And sometimes I wonder where all of this is coming from but it’s here and it’s crazy. I really care about you, Nayeon. I want the best for you.

But thank you for being honest with me about how you feel. You’re free to do that all the time. I’m always here to listen to you and I won’t push you away. If anything, I’m pushing myself onto you.

Just like what I did the first few times I sent you a letter.

My work trip was fun. I got drunk and for some reason, all I could do was think of you. I think because I was worried about you. Cause you’re hurting and Bruce isn’t there with you to give you cuddles and stuff. But it was nice. I came out alive and I went to work hungover. It was insane.

Thank you for the compliment. People tend to call me a ghost because of how white and pasty I look. But if you think I look decent then I guess that’s okay. I’ll accept that. Thank you. Also, you don’t have to worry. If you’re not comfortable with showing your face, that’s okay. Whenever you feel like it. I would still think you’re beautiful no matter what. Nothing would change my mind.

I’m running out of paper. I’ll have to buy more tomorrow.

Anyway, take care Nayeon. Happy birthday again.

Sincerely,
Dahyun