It Starts Here

When the bell chimed behind her, Gaeul wasn’t sure what to expect. But she still turned around, unable to stop herself even if she tried. 

Wonyoung stood by the entrance, slowly letting go of the door while her eyes were staring at nothing but her. This time, Wonyoung arrived at her usual time, dry, composed, in her office attire but in a certain calm that somehow settled quietly between them. 

Looking at Wonyoung standing there reminded her of everything that happened the night before. The rain. The look on Wonyoung’s face. The way she said her words. The way she said her feelings. The kiss. 

Gaeul took a deep breath, feeling herself warm up from the memory of soft lips on hers. 

“Hi,” Wonyoung greeted her gently, a few steps away from the counter. 

She blinked, realizing that this was her experiencing it all over again. But this time, the feeling in her chest wasn’t as heavy anymore. She didn’t feel the fear the same way anymore. She was finally looking at Wonyoung differently. In ways she didn’t imagine feeling at all.

“Hi,” she greeted back, hands clenching each other as she felt the weight of Wonyoung’s gaze. She cleared her throat, looking somewhere else, hoping Wonyoung wouldn’t know she was still very flustered. “Coffee?”

Wonyoung nodded, with a small smile on her face. “Yes, please,” she said, then paused. “Black.”

The clarification almost made Gaeul crack a smile. Almost. She already knew that Wonyoung wanted her coffee black, so she didn’t need the reminder. But Wonyoung was probably doing it because she was acclimating back into the shop again. 

Baby steps, perhaps? For both of them? Perhaps.

Gaeul turned around, reaching for the cup like habit, and then she was back to her usual routine. Taking the beans, grinding them, waiting, pouring, waiting and more waiting.

A part of her wondered if they were already at that point where they could talk casually now. But Gaeul had to remind herself that even if Wonyoung had made her intentions clear, there was still no clarity if this was going to last or not. It may have been said in grand and emotional ways, but Gaeul knew it would be too foolish to just allow Wonyoung to enter through the walls when she was the reason why they were built so tall in the first place.

But she couldn’t avoid it. How Wonyoung’s presence suddenly felt louder now. It lingered, making her feel the gaze weighing down on her. Wonyoung was still by the counter, still waiting… still staying. 

“I love you, Gaeul.”

She had to close her eyes to compose herself. But she could hear the words clearly. If the Gaeul from high school knew that this was happening, she wouldn’t believe it at all. Perhaps that was why it was too difficult to accept. Because it felt too good to be true. Surreal, if she would like to call it. Because there was no way that Wonyoung had ever thought of her that way. She wouldn’t believe it.

But the words were real. She remembered them. She could still feel them burning in the depths of her heart and soul. Gaeul may have been a mess when Wonyoung told her that, but she was aware enough to carefully accept it—not entirely but considered. 

Gaeul wanted to know what would happen.

The cup was finally full; Gaeul took it, feeling it warm in her hand and turned to hand it to Wonyoung. Not on the counter, not with her retracting quickly, but handing it gently to Wonyoung that their hands brushed against each other, and Gaeul couldn’t find it in her to stop herself. 

Wonyoung’s touch only reminded her of the rain, the confession, and the kiss. Suddenly Gaeul wasn’t sure what to do with her hands and slowly placed them in front of her. She noticed that Wonyoung hadn’t moved since, so she glanced at her, and Wonyoung was already looking at her. 

It wasn’t intense, nor was it overwhelming. Gaeul knew it meant something else, and she was simply too scared to know the meaning all over again. 

“Do you need anything else?” Gaeul managed to ask, still in the professional tone that she used when she needed to take control of the situation. 

Wonyoung shook her head. “No.” Then she paused, looking back at her carefully. “I’ll take my seat over there,” she added, pointing towards her usual table by the window. 

Gaeul didn’t answer back immediately, just them looking at each other with the knowledge that something changed and that no one wanted to push the boundaries yet. It was safe; it was still uncertain and still threatening Gaeul into giving in. 

Without a word, Wonyoung looked at her for one more lingering second, giving her a small smile before she turned around and walked towards her table.

It felt like an unspoken reunion between Wonyoung and that table. Especially with the way she awkwardly pushed the chair back, fixing herself first and then taking her seat. It was now obvious to Gaeul that Wonyoung was here not because she needed coffee, or because she wanted to buy a book or something. After last night, Gaeul now could see a little more through Wonyoung’s intentions. 

She was there because she wanted to. That she chose to keep coming back.

Remembering the past was unavoidable, especially after what Wonyoung told her. There was that incoherent blur between each reason Wonyoung gave her. Because Gaeul always knew that her parents favored Wonyoung more for several things. Beauty, brains, and interpersonal skills. She was simple enough to survive, and that was pretty much all she had. Diligent, quiet, and organized. But she wondered what everyone else said. That was the part she didn’t know. 

Did Wonyoung’s parents also tell her not to stick around with Gaeul? Did those girls from high school tell her things? Wonyoung made the decision, yes, that was one thing that had been confirmed. But Wonyoung did it to protect her, which felt a little ridiculous now that Gaeul thought about it. Because she never asked Wonyoung to save her, or to be the person to protect her when times were tough.

Gaeul just wanted Wonyoung to stay.

The other reason was something she wasn’t sure if she was ready to give herself time to sit with. Wonyoung made those decisions because there were too many people saying things about her due to her relationship with Wonyoung. That was something she could wrap her head around. No problem at all.

“I chose to hurt you this way because I was scared of hurting you with the truth. I was scared of my own feelings.”

“Along the way, I realized that my feelings for you scared me and if I told you, you might not accept me.” 

Gaeul felt her ears and neck burn up at the mere thought of it. 

Along the way… Wonyoung had feelings for her too? When did that happen? Because if that was one reason why she chose to leave, then it meant that Wonyoung felt it when they were still friends. Around that time Gaeul also developed her feelings for Wonyoung as well.

She shook her head. 

That should have just been a crush. But—

“Gaeul, I love you.”

The feeling of soft lips on hers, Wonyoung’s hand that gently held her cheek, the other that was on her waist. The look in her eyes. The way her lips looked—

Her hands quickly placed the book she was currently holding up to her face, as if it was enough to hide her obvious fluster. She took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled. She shouldn’t let herself be consumed by these thoughts. Not because they were bad, but because she didn’t want Wonyoung to be around her when she wasn’t emotionally prepared. 

However, despite all of this, even if these were words that she wished to hear for a very long time, that Wonyoung was showing up again, telling her that she was going to stay, Gaeul had to remind herself that her safety and peace was her priority. 

There was a chance for Wonyoung to gain her trust. But not now. Not yet. Trust needed to be earned, and because Wonyoung broke Gaeul’s trust twice meant she needed to work twice as much. It was simply the first day. 

But…

Gaeul slowly turned around, and saw that Wonyoung was on her phone, her cup of coffee still in hand, minding her own business. It felt weird to see her again. For them to try again.

It settled oddly inside her chest. Ticklish and yet scary. But she accepted it. She wanted to trust Wonyoung again. 

Wonyoung came by the shop for days in a row. Always at the same time, always ordering the same thing, and always leaving at the same time. Sometimes she brought her laptop with her, sometimes she was busy talking to people on the phone, sometimes she was there on her phone, and on very few occasions, Gaeul found her going through the aisles looking for books. 

She hadn’t borrowed anything yet, and she never bothered Gaeul about them as well. Wonyoung had kept her distance the entire time, but whenever they shared glances, Wonyoung would flash her the gentlest smile ever that Gaeul wanted to reach for her heart and keep it from falling apart. 

Being in love with a gorgeous woman was dangerous, but for this woman to even try and gain her trust, it felt more than that. But Gaeul was strong enough to not give in. Not yet. She kept reminding herself that Wonyoung still had a lot to do before she could even have pieces of Gaeul again. 

Love really made Gaeul do stupid things. 

But the few moments where Gaeul believed Wonyoung was when she had to leave. Wonyoung would always approach the counter carefully, let Gaeul know that she was leaving, then she would always say that she was coming back the next day. 

She had been consistent. Arriving at the shop at the time, same coffee order, same table that was by the window. And each time, Gaeul took moments to observe and wonder if this was the right thing.