Where I Allowed You To Break Me Again

Gaeul paused when she felt someone staring at her. 

She exhaled slowly.

“Yujin.”

Silence. Then a hum. “What?”

Gaeul closed her eyes for a moment, feeling how tired they were but still opened them, glancing at her friend for a moment. “Please stop staring at me.”

Yujin huffed softly. “No, I’m not.”

“She’s just worried about you,” Rei quickly said, voice unamused, clearly wanting to do it to annoy Yujin. 

“Hey! There could be a lot of reasons, okay?” Yujin countered back, defensive. “Maybe it’s because she’s wearing a different shade of blue today and it looks particularly nice.”

Gaeul faced her, not amused. “You gave me this shirt.”

Yujin then reacted, like it made perfect sense. “Exactly! That’s why it’s nice!”

Rei sighed. “This is why she’s always annoyed by you.”

“Yeah, well… I’m just concerned,” Yujin replied with a pout, leaning her chin on the counter, looking more defeated than anything. 

Gaeul shook her head and went back to what she was doing. 

It was nice that Rei and Yujin had been around because of what happened. They were just looking after her. But she also hated the feeling of them doing it because they had to. Gaeul didn’t need emotional baby sitters. It was rough enough for her to open up about what happened, how much more now where they were giving her this kind of attention. 

But she kept telling herself that they were doing it because they cared. That was what friends did, they show that they care. Even if it was annoying and a little excessive. But Gaeul learned that everyone had their own way of showing their love and support, and she appreciated her friends for showing it despite how difficult she had been from the start.

Yujin just wasn’t subtle about it, and Rei wasn’t the type to keep serious incidents from them either. Gaeul couldn’t blame her, Rei was genuinely concerned after what happened. They all knew that Gaeul hadn’t broken down like that in so long, or the fact that Gaeul had never shown them that side of her at all. 

It just felt a little embarrassing that the reason for it was because of one person. But Rei constantly assured her that she shouldn’t feel that way. Wonyoung had affected her in so many ways, and that Gaeul had real feelings that just needed to be set free from being kept in for long. 

She wanted to disagree, but at the same time she couldn’t. 

Perhaps that was the thing that she couldn’t completely remove from her life. That Wonyoung had been a big part of her and no matter what, she was going to affect her this way. 

A part of her just wished she could deny the feelings that have remained.

She was still in love with Wonyoung. Her heart still remembered Wonyoung, remembered the feeling she had that very first time love was felt, memorized how her heart had slowly softened for the woman when they were getting to know each other, how it changed when things got too intimate, and how hopeless she was when she knew that it wasn’t just a crush. 

Gaeul didn’t want to be back to square one. But this was her reality. That she felt like everything she did for the past years was all for naught because she had to admit to herself again that she was still in love. 

If only there was a way to erase her memories. To detach from the feelings that she had. 

Wonyoung wasn’t going to feel the same. She wasn’t going to come back, and Gaeul had to learn how to live without her all over again. 

Gaeul flipped the open sign hours ago, but she couldn’t leave yet. 

The rain had been pouring since the early evening, and she knew she could just brave through the rain and take a bath when she got home. She had the umbrella, and she could always leave the books here so they wouldn’t get soaked. 

But in the end, she decided to do other things while waiting for the rain to stop.

She already cleaned the shelves, picked out the books that needed to be restocked, cleaned the tables, kept the coffee machine properly, balanced her statements, and checked for receipts. So now she was just standing in the middle of the shop, looking around if she needed to rearrange things. 

But if she decided to do that then she might need to ask for help. She could ask Yujin, since she always wanted to prove to everyone that she was stronger than she looked. Or she could ask Hoseok if he wasn’t busy for once. 

This was good. This was helping her get her mind off of things. She needed that. Because if she spent another hour thinking of the same thing over and over again, she might actually dunk her head in a bowl of hot coffee. 

Gaeul decided that she should at least organize something, but she didn’t know what—

The bell chimed.

She froze.

The bell chimed even if the sign said closed. Then the door closed with a soft click. She turned. Eyes turning wide when it registered to her who just came in.

Wonyoung was standing by the entrance, hair soaked, jacket clinging to her shoulders, breath uneven from running. Drops of the rain were pooling onto the floor.

For a moment they both didn’t say anything, they just stared at each other, not moving, not breathing. Nothing. Something was in the air and Gaeul didn’t want to know what it was, but she couldn’t deny it, and she couldn’t step away. 

“W-We’re closed,” Gaeul said, shaky but firm.

Wonyoung was still catching her breath, raindrops falling on her face, but she still nodded. “I know.”

Hearing Wonyoung’s voice again after the incident at the parking lot did something to her chest, making it feel tight with contradicting feelings clashing inside of her. Her hand clenched on the fabric of her sweater, trying to find her ground. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know what to think. 

Because all this time, she wanted Wonyoung to come back, but now that she was, Gaeul couldn’t find the words anymore, and she still wanted to fight it.

“You said I can’t go to the bookshop anymore,” Wonyoung said, chest still heaving. “Not unless I have a good reason.”

Gaeul clenched her sweater a little tighter, defensive. “Then why are you here?”

“Because I finally realized it now,” she answered back quickly, but still gentle. In a way that didn’t want Gaeul to pull away. She kept still, silence stretching on until Wonyoung spoke again. “I kept coming back here since we bumped into each other at the parking lot, trying to find reasons that are good enough for you. But each time I wanted to come in, I felt like all I had were excuses, but I know now. I know the reason why.”

This wasn’t fair. 

Gaeul wasn’t prepared for this. But she couldn’t give in. She shouldn’t. 

“I didn’t know back then,” Wonyoung said again, taking a step forward but stopping herself like she changed her mind at the last minute. She swallowed hard before speaking again. “I was—I can’t give excuses to what I did back then. But I… I didn’t know.”

Her brows knit tightly together, feeling her heart beat too fast. She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”

Wonyoung shook her head too. “It does. Because I—I get it now.” She took a moment, then spoke again. “I’m not leaving you again.”

For some reason, Gaeul thought that she was going to be happy to hear those words again. That this was the one thing that was going to change everything. But after everything she had been through, the first time she was abandoned—the second time she got abandoned. She wasn’t sure if she could trust this. 

What if Wonyoung was here on a whim and she was just going to change her mind if Gaeul just easily accepted it. 

A scoff escaped her, hands letting go of her sweater, settling at her side, anger and frustration rising up to her throat again. "You really think saying that would change things?" She didn’t want to cry when she said that, so she fought it. "You can't just come here and decide that it's different now."

"I'm not." Wonyoung’s answer came quickly. "I've been trying my best to not come back here. To remind myself that I have no good reason to tell you. I've been telling myself that I shouldn't even be here because I thought it was the right thing to do."

"You should have listened to yourself," Gaeul answered back, wishing she really meant it. 

Wonyoung’s shoulders fell. "Why?"

Gaeul felt her heart clench at how Wonyoung looked when she said that. But she shook her head. She shouldn’t give in. "I don't have to explain that to you, Wonyoung."

Then Wonyoung took a step forward, careful, but not giving up. "Why not?” she asked, voice soft, almost begging. “Please, Gaeul. I want to understand."

"Because—" Gaeul almost shrieked it out, her hands shooting up to her face, feeling like she was going to spill everything. But then composed herself and gestured between them, voice filled with frustration. "—this is exactly how it was before. When you left me."

"It's not the same,” Wonyoung said the same thing again.

"It is to me!"

Gaeul didn’t mean to shout it so quickly, like it was a reflex. But she did. She didn’t realize that her tears were falling when she finally stared back at Wonyoung. Her jaw trembled, trying her best to keep everything in. But she couldn’t. She was terrified. Wonyoung being here again terrified her. 

"You... You can't do this to me again," she said, struggling to say the words, shaking her head. "Y-You can't come into my life, choose when it's convenient for you to leave, then come back as if you can easily fix it with just words."

"I-I... I know I can’t. But that’s why I’m here,” Wonyoung said carefully, obvious that she didn’t want to push herself towards Gaeul. “I just want to—”

Gaeul raised a finger to stop her, her tears falling freely now, her arm was shaking, but she needed to be firm. “No,” she said firmly. “You can’t do this to me again. I won’t let you do this to me.”

Wonyoung took a deep breath, wiping her face with the back of her hand. She still tried. “Gaeul, please. Just listen to me—”

“I said no!” she shouted.

The hurt in Wonyoung’s face was breaking her heart. “Why?”

"Because if I let you in, you're going to leave me again!"

Wonyoung finally didn’t answer back immediately. Her shoulders fell once more, eyes shifting towards the floor, and that made Gaeul feel like she was making the right decision. 

She took a moment to catch her breath, but the more she took a breath, the tears kept coming back. Her chest was hurting, wishing that she could turn her heart off for once. 

Gaeul bit back her sobs as she tried to speak. "I-I watched you walk away from m-me. I-Ignore me, pretend I didn't exist. I had to take in whatever you left for me." She gulped, eyes glaring at Wonyoung, memories of high school playing all over again. "I spent these years telling myself that I was fine. That I can live my life without you even if—Even if you did this to me."

For a moment she closed her eyes, hating that she was crying this much again, that she couldn’t hold it in. That she needed time to compose herself because she had to say what she wanted to say to Wonyoung. She deserved this moment, to finally tell her how she really felt. She just wished she could stop crying.

"I spent all this time telling myself you forgot about me, that you didn't care anymore,” she said, voice still broken from her crying. "Because it was easier to convince myself that you didn't—That I didn't—"

"I did," Wonyoung suddenly cut her off. "I did care."

"But you didn't do anything,” Gaeul cut her off as well, looking at her, vision blurred by more tears coming. Her entire body shook. "You allowed the distance to stretch on for years. You knew that I stayed. I always stayed. I never left."

Gaeul’s lips started to tremble when the memories played again. But this time it was memories of her crying alone in her room, clawing at her heart as if the feeling of love was going to disappear. She remembered wishing to the gods that she could hate Wonyoung so that it would be easier to move on.

But that never happened. 

Wonyoung was in her mind and heart even if she didn’t want it anymore.

She scoffed, a soulless laugh escaping her lips. "I tried to move on from you. I told myself that whatever I felt wasn't too deep. That it was just a fleeting moment, something I imagine. That I'd be fine because... it wasn't supposed to mean something." Then the feeling came back, and the pain was so overwhelming that it made her cry even more. She took a breath like she was suffocating. "But then you came back—And you kept... You kept coming back. You kept showing up like this didn't mean anything to you."

"It did mean something," Wonyoung tried again, brows furrowed. "It was everything to me."

Gaeul shook her head. "Then why did you leave again? If it meant everything to you, why did you disappear again?"

"Because—" Wonyoung tried, but stopped herself, like she was trying to find the right words but was struggling. "Because I thought—I thought that staying away was better than messing things up again." 

"You already did," Gaeul answered back, losing her patience after hearing that reason too many times. She took a deep breath. "Please don't... Please don't do this to me again, Wonyoung. I've spent these past years learning how to forget you. To remove you from my dreams and my nightmares." Then she pointed at the door. "If you want to leave, please, don't come back—"

Wonyoung took another step forward, the scent of her sweat, mixed with rain and her perfume invaded her senses and Gaeul felt like giving in. "I'm not," Wonyoung whispered this time. "I'm not doing that again, Gaeul. I'm not leaving. Not because someone told me, not because I'm confused, not because of impulse, not because I’m scared. Not because I think it's better for you."

The pang came back, and her body started trembling again, taking a step back. "Don't—" she raised her hand to stop Wonyoung. "Don't, please. I beg you."

But Wonyoung kept at it. "Gaeul, I mean it—"

"How would I know?" Gaeul raised her voice again, feeling absolutely terrified by Wonyoung and her words. "What if... What if you do stay and along the way, you change your mind and realize you don't want to be here anymore?"

Wonyoung shook her head. "I'm not... I'm not going anywhere."

Gaeul clenched her jaw, fighting her sobs again. "You said that without saying it as well."

"Because I didn't know if what I was doing was the right thing!" Wonyoung answered back, desperation in her voice. But she caught herself and lowered her voice again. "But I do know now. I know that I kept coming back here because... Because of you."

Wonyoung’s words shouldn’t affect her this way. Because she had no idea how much it meant for Gaeul, and if Wonyoung didn’t mean it that way, then she was going to destroy Gaeul forever. 

She had to stop her. Before it gets too deep, too dangerous—

"I tried to ignore it. I tried to keep my distance. I convinced myself you didn't want me anymore, that you were already happy without me,” Wonyoung started, voice cracking, hands moving around as she tried to explain, but they fell to her sides. "I know what I did before and that haunted me until now. I know I did the wrong thing and—I'm sorry." 

Gaeul felt her body seize when she was hearing this. 

"I'm so sorry, Gaeul," Wonyoung said quickly before she spoke again. “What I did to you cannot be healed by words so easily. I was scared and I thought leaving you like that would make your life easier, but it didn’t. I hated myself every day because I chose to be a coward and assumed that I knew what you wanted.” 

“Why?” Gaeul finally asked, something she should have asked all those years ago. “Why did you leave me, Wonyoung?”

Wonyoung took a breath, but she stammered the words again. “B-Because—” she shook her head. “Because—”

Gaeul took a step forward this time, brows furrowed, frustration seeping through her teeth. “Why? Why can’t you just tell me why!”

“Because they kept hurting you!” Wonyoung raised her voice again, tears finally falling from her eyes and that shocked Gaeul. Wonyoung never cried in front of her before. “My parents, your parents, the people at school. If I didn’t leave then they wouldn’t stop hurting you! The comparisons, the insults, the way they said you didn’t matter because I was better!”

Wonyoung stopped, taking her time to catch her breath like she realized she said something she shouldn’t say. She ran her hands over her damp hair, chest still visibly heaving, tears still falling. Then her hands fell to her sides again, clenching them until her knuckles turned white. 

“I chose to hurt you this way because I was scared of hurting you with the truth. I was scared of—of my own feelings,” she struggled to say, voice cracking as she kept crying. "Now that I met you again, I thought things could change. I thought it was a chance.” Then she looked up at her, eyes searching hers. “But I also thought staying away was the right thing. But... When it happened, I felt even worse. It was like... I was doing the same thing. That I was leaving you behind again." 

Gaeul felt her world spinning.

She remembered the comparisons their parents made because they were friends, but she didn’t know it was enough for Wonyoung to push herself away like that. All this time Gaeul believed that Wonyoung left her because she thought she didn’t need her, that she wasn’t worth the explanation. 

Maybe she did believe that she was an afterthought, because everyone but Hoseok treated her that way. But—

"I also left because—” Wonyoung took a moment, stepping closer again, eyes never leaving hers. “Along the way, I realized that my feelings for you scared me and if I told you, you might not accept me.”

Gaeul blinked. “W-What?”

“I love you," Wonyoung said, firm, and unmoving. As if it didn’t do anything to Gaeul’s heart. "Not in the way I said it to you before. This... took time for me to think, to resurface, and feel properly." She wiped the tears from her eyes, bottom lip trembling as she said it. "Gaeul, I-I love you."

Gaeul felt her heart shoot up to her throat. She stumbled backwards again. "Don't—" she shook her head violently, even if her heart was beating so fast. "You... You can't say that to me."

Wonyoung looked away, nodding her head. "I know,” she whispered. "I know I'm too late—"

"It's not about saying it too late—” Gaeul answered her, chest heaving, tears never seizing. "It's about what happens after you say it."

Silence filled them again. 

Gaeul felt like she was going to give up, her legs wanted to give out, that she was going to spill her guts all over the floor.

Wonyoung left because of what everyone was saying about them.

Because she thought she was doing the right thing to protect her. 

Because she had feelings for her?

She shook her head, as if this entire thing was a dream. 

“This isn’t true,” she said, voice trembling. She shook her head again and again, closing her eyes as if she was going to wake up from a dream. “This—This isn’t true.”

Wonyoung’s voice came again, soft and gentle. Her presence was closer this time and for the first time, Gaeul didn’t pull away. “It is true, Gaeul. I love you.”

A sob escaped her, hands now on her eyes as if it was going to stop herself. But it didn’t. "I'm scared, Wonyoung," she sobbed. "I-I'm—I'm really scared."

And just like that, Wonyoung took her hands gently, taking them in hers so delicately. "I know," she whispered. Then Gaeul felt a cold and damp palm cup her face, making her look up. Beautiful brown eyes looked back down at her, tears still falling. 

Gaeul’s lip trembled, leaning into her palm. "I-I miss you," she whispered, reaching out to grab Wonyoung’s wet shirt, and was immediately pulled in. "I hate that I do. I really tried not to. But I do."

Wonyoung held her close, a hand behind her head and an arm wrapping her gently. "Gaeul, I'm not leaving anymore," she whispered against her hair. "I understand what I'm saying and I mean it. I... I choose this. I choose you."

Even if these were the words she wanted to hear, she couldn’t register them properly. She suddenly pulled away, hands on Wonyoung’s chest, trying to create distance but her body didn’t even do it like she meant it. She held on weakly, shaking her head, struggling to speak. "I-I can't trust you."

Wonyoung cupped her cheek again, still crying, and nodding. "I know. And I completely understand that." She then caressed her with her thumb, wiping the tears away. "But I'm going to stay until you do."

Gaeul wasn’t sure how to answer that anymore. But deep down, she knew she wanted to believe that. That she wanted to take Wonyoung’s words so easily just so she could stop this suffering. 

This was overwhelming, everything was too much for her. 

But she couldn’t find it in her to push away from Wonyoung. It was as if her body and heart finally allowed herself to stay. To let Wonyoung hold her like this, to let herself to feel the kind of touch that was the solution to heal her broken heart.

Wonyoung held her like she meant it, and Gaeul felt everything. The hand on her cheek, the thumb that caressed her, the scent that felt so unfamiliar and yet familiar at the same time. Gaeul knew that deep down inside that she was going to give in. 

For a moment, she stared back at Wonyoung, with eyes so tragically beautiful that she knew she was being consumed by it. Something finally reached her, it was the kind that she hoped for, where it felt clean or complete. But it was enough. 

It was more than enough for some reason.

Before she could even register it, Wonyoung slowly moved closer to her, and Gaeul didn’t pull away anymore. She didn’t step away, didn’t fight back. She closed her eyes, breathing unevenly, waiting. Wonyoung leaned in, and she met her halfway. 

Softness.

The first kind of softness that could never compare to anything else.

Wonyoung kissed her for the very first time, it was careful, it meant something, and it told her everything they weren’t able to say. The years of yearning, of the distance that collapsed all at once.

Gaeul’s hands bunched up Wonyoung’s shirt, scared that this was going to disappear if she even loosened her grip by a fraction. She pulled Wonyoung closer even if her tears were still falling. Wonyoung just held her there, like she was telling her that she was afraid to let go as well.

But she didn’t fight it anymore. She didn’t fight.

She couldn’t. She didn’t want to.