Where I Allowed You To Break Me Again

Gaeul paused when she felt someone staring at her. 

She exhaled slowly.

“Yujin.”

Silence. Then a hum. “What?”

Gaeul closed her eyes for a moment, feeling how tired they were but still opened them, glancing at her friend for a moment. “Please stop staring at me.”

Yujin huffed softly. “No, I’m not.”

“She’s just worried about you,” Rei quickly said, voice unamused, clearly wanting to do it to annoy Yujin. 

“Hey! There could be a lot of reasons, okay?” Yujin countered back, defensive. “Maybe it’s because she’s wearing a different shade of blue today and it looks particularly nice.”

Gaeul faced her, not amused. “You gave me this shirt.”

Yujin then reacted, like it made perfect sense. “Exactly! That’s why it’s nice!”

Rei sighed. “This is why she’s always annoyed by you.”

“Yeah, well… I’m just concerned,” Yujin replied with a pout, leaning her chin on the counter, looking more defeated than anything. 

Gaeul shook her head and went back to what she was doing. 

It was nice that Rei and Yujin had been around because of what happened. They were just looking after her. But she also hated the feeling of them doing it because they had to. Gaeul didn’t need emotional baby sitters. It was rough enough for her to open up about what happened, how much more now where they were giving her this kind of attention. 

But she kept telling herself that they were doing it because they cared. That was what friends did, they show that they care. Even if it was annoying and a little excessive. But Gaeul learned that everyone had their own way of showing their love and support, and she appreciated her friends for showing it despite how difficult she had been from the start.

Yujin just wasn’t subtle about it, and Rei wasn’t the type to keep serious incidents from them either. Gaeul couldn’t blame her, Rei was genuinely concerned after what happened. They all knew that Gaeul hadn’t broken down like that in so long, or the fact that Gaeul had never shown them that side of her at all. 

It just felt a little embarrassing that the reason for it was because of one person. But Rei constantly assured her that she shouldn’t feel that way. Wonyoung had affected her in so many ways, and that Gaeul had real feelings that just needed to be set free from being kept in for long. 

She wanted to disagree, but at the same time she couldn’t. 

Perhaps that was the thing that she couldn’t completely remove from her life. That Wonyoung had been a big part of her and no matter what, she was going to affect her this way. 

A part of her just wished she could deny the feelings that have remained.

She was still in love with Wonyoung. Her heart still remembered Wonyoung, remembered the feeling she had that very first time love was felt, memorized how her heart had slowly softened for the woman when they were getting to know each other, how it changed when things got too intimate, and how hopeless she was when she knew that it wasn’t just a crush. 

Gaeul didn’t want to be back to square one. But this was her reality. That she felt like everything she did for the past years was all for naught because she had to admit to herself again that she was still in love. 

If only there was a way to erase her memories. To detach from the feelings that she had. 

Wonyoung wasn’t going to feel the same. She wasn’t going to come back, and Gaeul had to learn how to live without her all over again. 

Gaeul flipped the open sign hours ago, but she couldn’t leave yet. 

The rain had been pouring since the early evening, and she knew she could just brave through the rain and take a bath when she got home. She had the umbrella, and she could always leave the books here so they wouldn’t get soaked. 

But in the end, she decided to do other things while waiting for the rain to stop.

She already cleaned the shelves, picked out the books that needed to be restocked, cleaned the tables, kept the coffee machine properly, balanced her statements, and checked for receipts. So now she was just standing in the middle of the shop, looking around if she needed to rearrange things. 

But if she decided to do that then she might need to ask for help. She could ask Yujin, since she always wanted to prove to everyone that she was stronger than she looked. Or she could ask Hoseok if he wasn’t busy for once. 

This was good. This was helping her get her mind off of things. She needed that. Because if she spent another hour thinking of the same thing over and over again, she might actually dunk her head in a bowl of hot coffee. 

Gaeul decided that she should at least organize something, but she didn’t know what—

The bell chimed.

She froze.

The bell chimed even if the sign said closed. Then the door closed with a soft click. She turned. Eyes turning wide when it registered to her who just came in.

Wonyoung was standing by the entrance, hair soaked, jacket clinging to her shoulders, breath uneven from running. Drops of the rain were pooling onto the floor.

For a moment they both didn’t say anything, they just stared at each other, not moving, not breathing. Nothing. Something was in the air and Gaeul didn’t want to know what it was, but she couldn’t deny it, and she couldn’t step away. 

“W-We’re closed,” Gaeul said, shaky but firm.

Wonyoung was still catching her breath, raindrops falling on her face, but she still nodded. “I know.”

Hearing Wonyoung’s voice again after the incident at the parking lot did something to her chest, making it feel tight with contradicting feelings clashing inside of her. Her hand clenched on the fabric of her sweater, trying to find her ground. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know what to think. 

Because all this time, she wanted Wonyoung to come back, but now that she was, Gaeul couldn’t find the words anymore, and she still wanted to fight it.

“You said I can’t go to the bookshop anymore,” Wonyoung said, chest still heaving. “Not unless I have a good reason.”

Gaeul clenched her sweater a little tighter, defensive. “Then why are you here?”

“Because I finally realized it now,” she answered back quickly, but still gentle. In a way that didn’t want Gaeul to pull away. She kept still, silence stretching on until Wonyoung spoke again. “I kept coming back here since we bumped into each other at the parking lot, trying to find reasons that are good enough for you. But each time I wanted to come in, I felt like all I had were excuses, but I know now. I know the reason why.”

This wasn’t fair. 

Gaeul wasn’t prepared for this. But she couldn’t give in. She shouldn’t. 

“I didn’t know back then,” Wonyoung said again, taking a step forward but stopping herself like she changed her mind at the last minute. She swallowed hard before speaking again. “I was—I can’t give excuses to what I did back then. But I… I didn’t know.”

Her brows knit tightly together, feeling her heart beat too fast. She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”

Wonyoung shook her head too. “It does. Because I—I get it now.” She took a moment, then spoke again. “I’m not leaving you again.”

For some reason, Gaeul thought that she was going to be happy to hear those words again. That this was the one thing that was going to change everything. But after everything she had been through, the first time she was abandoned—the second time she got abandoned. She wasn’t sure if she could trust this. 

What if Wonyoung was here on a whim and she was just going to change her mind if Gaeul just easily accepted it.