Gunshot Wounds, Cookies and an Old Flame

Jimin was on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her head and body felt heavy.

It could be her medicine.

Dr. Im increased her dosage, to no surprise. But she understood. Maybe it could help keep the monster at bay. So she wouldn’t attack another person again.

Jimin had half the mind to bind her wrists and ankles on all her bed posts then starve herself because she felt like she couldn’t control who she was anymore. A punishment that seemed fitting for everything that she did.

And the only thing she wanted was to protect her sister from being the next victim to her actions.

But her body didn’t want to move anyway, so she couldn’t do it even if she wanted to. Then again, rotting in this bed felt like a better idea than anything.

She didn’t flinch when she heard a knock on the door. It opened, meaning it was her sister. She didn’t mind.

“Hey, baby,” Joohyun greeted her. Hearing the pet name made her wince. It stung, because it reminded her of Minjeong. Flashes of Minjeong’s face were flooding her mind and she didn’t know how to process it.

Joohyun gently sat on the bed, her hand caressing Jimin’s calf. “You okay?”

For some reason, Jimin decided to sit up. She didn’t want to look like a brat while answering her sister. “Yes, unnie. I’m fine.”

It was a lie. Everything was hurting. Her body felt like it wanted to sink further into the mattress, and she wanted to sleep it off.

Joohyun nodded with her short response. Then she patted her leg again. “I’m just going to go out and do the groceries. Text me what you want okay?”

“Okay,” she answered, unsure if she should say more. Because there was only one other thing she could say. And with each moment she spent with her sister, the need to say it over and over again grew. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, hands playing with the hem of her sweater.

Joohyun’s hand reached for hers and her thumbs rubbed the back of her hand. “Honey, please don’t say sorry,” she said, looking at her but Jimin wasn’t brave enough to look back. “You need this, okay? And we’re here for you.” Then she cupped Jimin’s face, making her look up. Joohyun smiled at her. “You will never be a bother to us.”

Jimin averted her eyes, brows furrowed as she tried to hold in her tears. “I just… I just feel bad,” she whispered, hands clenching her shirt. “You’re already busy and Seulgi unnie is busy too.”

“And we’re doing all of this because we love you. All of us do,” she said gently. For some reason Joohyun felt it, so she released her cheeks to gently unclench her hands. Her big sister then proceeded to use her thumbs to press onto Jimin’s palms.

It calmed her down. Then her sister giggled. “Including Seulgi. Sometimes my wife loves you more than me. So don’t worry about her,” she joked, knowing she wanted to lighten up the mood.

Jimin wanted to smile. Because it was silly. The fact was that her sister-in-law was a menace at times and played more tricks on them than Jimin.

But she couldn’t. Everything in her body was just painful. At that point, she wasn’t sure if it was physically or mentally. Maybe both. Maybe it was everything.

Jimin was really tired.

“Are you sure you don’t want to see Minjeong yet?” Joohyun asked.

She looked away in shame again. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to see Minjeong. If anything, she was looking forward to it. There was a moment of temporary euphoria spreading inside her body when she heard that Minjeong wanted to see her.

But she also blamed herself. Because of the panic attack she had when she got too into her head. Thinking about what she could do when Minjeong visited, but the thoughts that were supposed to be happy immediately transformed into dark and uncontrollable.

Like the darkest side of her manifested and turned into a sticky monster, rising from black tar, racing to envelope her heart into something she couldn’t escape.

“I’m not ready to see her,” Jimin said. This was the safest thing she could say. Even if she was completely furious at herself for saying it. But it was true. She looked away again. “I’m not even ready to see Aeri, how much more her?” she laughed weakly, but her brows furrowed again. “I’m sorry, unnie.”

“Jimin, please don’t apologize for that. I completely understand,” Joohyun told her gently, fingers still pressing onto her palms. “Just do what you can for yourself, okay? Chaeyoung, Aeri and Minjeong are not going anywhere. I know that.”

Jimin nodded. She knew it wasn’t wise to be honest. And she needed to assure her sister, it was the least she could do since she was being a leech to her and her wife. “Okay,” she mumbled. Then Jimin gently shook her sister’s hand. “You should go already.”

Her sister nodded and then finally stood up from the bed, walking towards the door. She opened it, but before she left, she turned to Jimin again. “Are you sure you don’t need anything?” she asked, looking a bit eager.

She didn’t need anything. And she didn’t want to ask for more. But her sister looked insistent.

“I’ll text you,” she said instead.

That rewarded her with a small smile from Joohyun. “Okay then.”

“I love you,” Jimin said quickly, hoping to slip that in before her sister left.

That wasn’t a lie. She always knew that was true. She just wished she could do more.

Joohyun smiled warmly. “I love you too, Jimin.”

Jimin was sitting on her bed that late afternoon. She had her legs tucked to her chest, arms leaning on her knees and her head on top of them.

She didn’t have much of herself in that room, so she was left to herself.

Her phone was on the bed. Minjeong’s messages were open, she read everything that she received from her.

And she wanted to reply so badly. She wanted to say the first thing that was on her mind. Which was to apologize and then tell Minjeong that she loved her.

But she couldn’t. She was too scared to say anything. Especially when she didn’t allow Minjeong to see her. Which was a good thing, if she wanted to convince herself. Because Jimin was a mess. And Minjeong didn’t deserve someone like her.

Guess her initial worry about Minjeong really did manifest.

She was a mess.

And maybe she just got worse compared to before. So there was no way for Jimin to redeem herself after showing Minjeong that side of her that she kept for so long.

Jimin blinked her eyes, already getting used to the darkness that filled the room.

Her room felt empty, there was nothing that she could call home and that made her feel empty as well. The only time it did was when her sister entered. But that was always short-lived, and she hated it.

Suddenly she saw her phone light up, a pop up appeared and the contact photo at the side was a giveaway. Jimin didn’t move, but she heard a tray being rolled up in front of her door and then her phone lit up again.

It wasn’t like Jimin didn’t want to eat with her sister. Jimin just felt like she couldn’t bear being outside. Maybe because her body was weak, or she was scared she was going to break down inside her sister’s kitchen.

So if Jimin was going to cry while eating her meal, at least it would be inside the privacy of the room that she was temporarily living in.

Jimin finally moved from her position to reach for her phone.

7:03 PM

Seulgi unnie: Hey kiddo
Seulgi unnie: Dinner is by the door when you’re ready.
Seulgi unnie: Oh and Minjeong’s ice cream is in the bag.
Seulgi unnie: You sure love those popsicles, huh?