All Kinds of Firsts

Dahyun was waiting patiently inside of Nayeon’s apartment. She already prepped their dinner, made sure to heat up the soup she made—twice already—and decided to flip through the channels of the television so she wouldn’t look at her phone too much.

It was already past nine-thirty in the evening and Nayeon already told her that she was finishing up work so they could have dinner together. Dahyun was looking forward to it ever since they spent the two weeks together in Incheon because they took turns cooking each other meals and eating it together. Nothing could beat the company of the one you love, so it was normal for Dahyun to seek that simple pleasure again.

But it had been like this since Nayeon went back to work. Drowned in her duties, there was another magazine that they had to work on and Nayeon had to be on top of everything. Dahyun understood that. She would be a fool to think she had to stop whatever she had to do just for her. But there was a small feeling inside her chest that wished Nayeon would remember that she needed to think about herself, eat meals at the right time, get the right amount of sleep, drink water and take breaks.

Dahyun wished she could do that for her. But she didn’t know how to do that without upsetting Nayeon.

//

“Babe, can’t you take a break?”

“I wish I could, baby. But I need to edit these first and then answer another set of emails.”

Dahyun stayed by the door, unsure of what to do as she watched Nayeon sift through papers that were splayed out on her desk. She didn’t want to bother her any longer, since she already called out to her girlfriend twice that night.

So Dahyun decided to walk towards the bed, settle down and wait for Nayeon.

//

“Nayeon is busy again?” Jeongyeon asked as they passed the bottles of beer around the table. Dahyun quickly grabbed her beer and took a big swig. “Woah, there. If you wanted something hard then you could have said so.”

Dahyun took a deep breath and placed the bottle gently on the table. “Sorry, I just feel like I’ve been in a relationship with Nayeon’s phone and not her these past few weeks.”

Tzuyu pursed her lips. “Do you still visit her at the office?”

“I have. But Nayeon would eventually tell me to leave and wait for her at her apartment. We don’t even have meals together anymore,” Dahyun said dejectedly, but she shook herself from the heavy feelings and looked at Chaeyoung. “How are things with Somi?”

Chaeyoung groaned and threw her head back. “You guys are gonna shit on me if I told you the truth.”

Dahyun didn’t want to shrug off her feelings, but this was the only way she could relax herself from her thoughts, even if Chaeyoung’s situation gave her a headache.

//

“Nayeon, come on, it’s the weekend.”

“Dahyun, please, I told you that I can’t stop because these are all due next week.”

“Okay. I’ll just go home.”

For the first time, Dahyun was tired of chasing her. So the first thing she thought of was to just go.

“Dahyun, wait—”

“No, Nayeon. I don’t want to bother you. I keep doing that and I wouldn’t want you to stop whatever it is because I’m being needy.”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

It wasn’t, but she didn’t have the guts to say it. She just had to be understanding as always.

Nayeon sighed heavily. “Okay, fine, if you wanna go then go. I won’t be surprised if you’ll get tired of me and then eventually break up with me.”

Dahyun stopped and looked back at her, hurt was evident in both of their expressions, so she stepped away from the door and hugged Nayeon.

//

There were moments where Dahyun wonders if all of this was worth it in the end. If she would think that the emotional exhaustion was going to pay out in the end. But she couldn’t deny her feelings. She didn’t know how long, how much longer she could take all of this.

She was weak too. She was only human. Why couldn’t Nayeon see that?

The knock on the door made Dahyun stir awake. She woke up on the couch, already dressed down to her shorts and a loose shirt. Chaeyoung was passed out on the other side of the sofa, cradling the bowl of chips they were snacking on when they decided to binge watch the entire Death Parade anime.

They didn’t even get to episode two before falling asleep, despite the upbeat intro song.

Dahyun groaned, feeling her head get heavy with the amount of crying she did. But the knocking was persistent. So she lazily grabbed the remote to turn the television off and padded through her apartment to reach the door.

“Who is it?” Dahyun called out. She furrowed her brows; what time was it?

“Dahyun, it’s me.” She knew that voice anywhere. “Can I come in, please?”

She sighed, contemplating if she wanted to deal with this, but she didn’t want to let Nayeon to stay out on the hallway for too long. Dahyun would be the last person who would push her away.

So she opened the door, and her heart clenched when she met Nayeon's eyes, tear stained, in anguish, remorseful, worried. Dahyun wasn’t sure what it was, but she didn’t like seeing her girlfriend like this. Even if deep down Dahyun knew that Nayeon was at fault.

“Come in.” Dahyun took a step back and let Nayeon quietly enter her apartment. Once Dahyun closed the door, she immediately walked towards Chaeyoung and nudged her gently. “Dude, wake up.”

Chaeyoung immediately shook herself awake and finally let go of the bowl. “Huh? Okay.” She blinked and when she noticed Nayeon was standing by the kitchen, Chaeyoung jumped out of the sofa and fixed herself. “Just knock on my door when shit hits the fan, okay?”

Dahyun smiled and rubbed her back. “I would like it better if you got some shut eye. You have work tomorrow.”

Her best friend grumbled before she waddled her way towards her bedroom, closing it gently.

“I’m sorry,” Nayeon suddenly said from her spot, she reached into her jacket to take out a small bouquet of flowers, but some of the petals already fell out of the flower and the wrapping was crumpled. She still handed it to Dahyun. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the dinner, I’m sorry I ruined our anniversary.”

Dahyun hesitated, but she still took careful steps towards the older woman and accepted the flowers. “It’s okay, Nayeon.”

Nayeon shook her head, tears already falling from her eyes. “No, it’s not okay. You constantly reminded me about the dinner and yet I still fucked it up because of the stupid magazine.”

She wanted to say that it was fine. Because Dahyun thought it was, but her brain had to remind her of the pain she felt when Nayeon didn’t show up. Or how the waiters took pity on her for not being able to eat so they gave her take out, which she shared with Chaeyoung over her tears and sorrow.

So, she said nothing. Words couldn’t come out of her, she wanted it to, she wanted to say something. But it didn’t feel right. She didn’t want to lie and mask the pain that she was feeling. Dahyun loved Nayeon and she would do anything for her. But she knew she had her limits and that she was vulnerable too.

Her eyes went wide when Nayeon fell on her knees and hugged Dahyun’s legs. “P-Please, Dahyun. I’m so—" she tried to speak but she was crying so much, “I-I’m so sorry.”

“Nayeon, please don’t kneel.” Dahyun was fighting back tears, she dropped herself on the floor and tried to pick up the older woman, but Nayeon wouldn’t budge. “Nayeon, please.”

Nayeon could only cry even more, she was sobbing already, her head hung low. “I-I can quit my job, and I can dedicate my entirety to you. I just… I don’t want you to leave me, please.”