What if

What if you just said it.

It wouldn’t have been so complicated, after you get your diplomas you would take Stella to the side, saying that you wanted to tell her something before you will never see each other again and you would just…confess, tell her that for you had feelings for her, that 5 years ago the reasons you had trouble sleeping sometimes was because you wondered how was she doing.

And its not like you werent close, you were classmates for god’s sake, sitting next to each other almost every class, working together on assigment, sometimes talking outside of school from simple messages on phone all the way to sitting together in a cafe, talking about a breakup she was going through and how you would be there for her if she needs anything (She then asked you if you had feeling for someone but you had to deny, no way you are confessing to her in a cafe of all places).

Yes, there is a likelihood she will reject you, that its for the better if you two stayed as friends and just say your goodbye like always. But there is also the likelihood that she would’ve said yes, and that she wants to be your girlfrien- actuall here is a better scenario: What if all this time she had feelings for you too? well that would explain how comfortable she was asking you to use your lap as a pillow, back then you excused it as just her being tired and you were the closest because Stella? having feelings for you? yeah right, next you are gonna tell me that Spiderman is peter parker.

So yeah, back to the theory: If Stella had feelings for you as well then it would’ve been so simple in that moment, you could’ve gotten your first kiss from the love of your life and you would started dating each other, it wouldn’t even be that awkward for a first date since you knew each other for so long, it would just be the same as your hangouts at the cafe’, but just the two of you, with the shared understanding that it is, in fact, a date.

But you were scared, weren’t you?

You had the chance to do it, but you just…didn’t, right? because in your mind you had no chance, or maybe you wanted to keep the status quo as it was, staying as just friends, you would still have feelings for her but they would just be bottled inside, until they die. So you just said ‘thank you for the time we had together’, gave her a hug and went home.

You thought about sending Stella a voice message when you get home, confessing your feelings to her behind a screen because at least she wouldn’t see your face when you would get rejected, but in the end you realized that confessing to the girl you like in a voice message is even more cowardly than not confessing at all.

So you just…didn’t, and here you are, 4 years later.

You wake up alone, remembering that cursed dream once again where Stella confessed to you and you shared a long kiss together. You see her once in a while considering she works fairly close to where you live, waving to each other with the a smile so genuine you forgot you even had it.

you sometimes think about telling her now that you had feelings for her back then and even though she has a boyfriend now, she at least deserves to know that something was there but even that is too much for you so you just moved on, or at least that’s what you want to tell to yourself because living with those feelings again is far worse than living without feelings for any girl, and in those moments where you look at each other from a far, you wonder…

Maybe that ‘What if’ you said back then IS the reason you are alone.