Courage

It was their semester break and Chaeyoung felt so relieved because that meant she didn’t have to worry about skipping anymore classes.

She knows that Momo and Tzuyu are spending it by flying back to their hometowns and are going to make the most out of their limited free time with their family. It was a tradition for them. Jeongyeon and her would stay in Incheon since their families were still here. But Chaeyoung told her mom that she couldn’t go home until the Winter Break because of school requirements. Which was obviously a lie. She just couldn’t be with anyone right now. Believing that she doesn’t have the strength to hide her true feelings from her mother. Her mother was too smart to know, if she noticed Chaeyoung back when she was struggling in grade school, then she’ll definitely notice something now.

She wanted to escape, to vanish in thin air. She wanted these hurt feelings to go away; it was overwhelming. Her heart felt like it was going to burst, and everything will flow out and she wouldn’t have any power left in her to fix it, pick up everything that’s broken or spilled over.

Chaeyoung hasn’t spoken to anyone since that day she saw Mina with that guy. Jeongyeon left several calls and text messages to her, but Chaeyoung could only respond once that she just didn’t want to talk to anyone. Momo and Tzuyu attempted to get a hold of her too, but there was no answer.

It was late morning already. Majority of the tenants in her building have gone home for the three-week break but it seemed that it was just her and a few others that stayed. This was the great benefit of having no roommate, she didn’t have to worry about having someone still stay with her in the room. She really wanted to be alone.

As she laid there in her bed, sad songs playing from her phone that was near her head, she let tears fall from her eyes again. Stretching out a hand and pointing it to the ceiling, then extends her hands to expose her palms. She stares at it, remembering the sensation of Mina’s hands in hers. The delicate, soft skin gracing them. The tightness of their grip, the soft burns that Mina’s fingers trailed on her. It was all so clear, it felt so real, but it seemed that it was all history now.

Those hands, her eyes, her smile belonged to someone else now. Being delusional as she is, she couldn’t bring herself to find out the truth. If Mina really was seeing someone else. She wasn’t brave enough to know the real story. But if she erased herself from Mina’s memory in silence then maybe it would be easier for Mina to deal with. She didn’t have to worry about what she had to tell her parents now, since she now has someone to present to them. Someone who they can accept so easily.

Chaeyoung believed she was a walking catastrophe. Not worthy of love, not worthy to be shown off. Just nothing.

Mina’s smile suddenly plays in her mind. The gummy smile, her giggles, the way her eyes scrunch up and disappear when she’s smiling too much. The sound of her voice when she calls out Chaeyoung’s name.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“But there’s a part of me that wants this.”

The thought made her hand drop to her face and she finally let out a sob. The tears flowing through her eyes were hard to stop and she just needed to let everything go. The silent screams and the ache in her heart that she wanted to dispel.

“Why can’t it be me?” She cried out, her voice was shaky, and her breathing was erratic. Her arm rests on top of her eyes, trying her best to stop crying. When the song that was playing suddenly stopped and the next one started, she felt herself wake again, her mind going back to the present. She wipes off the tears with her arm and looks up at the ceiling. Taking deep breaths and slowly releasing it after. As if she was sucking in all the bad feelings surrounding her and blowing them away, to keep her sane for just one second.

Before she could do another one, there was a knock on her door. She closes her eyes and drowns herself in the new song that was playing. Hoping the person at the door would go away.

The knocking continued. She ignores it.

Until it became evident banging. “Son Chaeyoung, I know you’re in there.” The loud yet familiar voice called out. She lifts her head, stops the music from her phone and jumps out of bed. Wiping the remaining tears from her face and quickly puts on her glasses.

She swings the door open to greet her unwanted visitor, but before she could say something, Nayeon pushes her way inside and closes the door for her.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She asks immediately; arms crossed on her chest.

“Everything.” Chaeyoung responded. Feeling more dead than she felt recently. She didn’t really care at the angst she was showing at this point. Knowing that Nayeon was just going to accuse her of something she didn’t do.

“Don’t give me that bullshit right now.” Nayeon said, feeling impatient already. “Why haven’t you talked to Mina yet?”

Chaeyoung looked up at her with confusion. Finally showing Nayeon her swollen eyes that haven’t taken a break from all the crying and the sleepless nights she had. “What?”

“You heard me.” Nayeon tries to sound angry, but her tone shifts once she really takes a good look at how miserable Chaeyoung looked. “Mina has been waiting for you to say something. Or to even see her.”

“How was I supposed to know?” Chaeyoung couldn’t resist. “She told me she needed time to think, and I gave her that—for weeks. She hasn't said anything to me either.”

Nayeon’s shoulders dropped and released a heavy breath, rubbing the brim of her nose. “I had to stop Jeongyeon from asking too many questions about what happened cause I know you wanted to hear it for yourself instead of hearing it from her.”

“Exactly what I said. That’s why I told her not to and that’s why I didn’t bother you either.” Chaeyoung immediately responded, now looking away from Nayeon. “I don’t want you two to get involved.”

“So you decided to become the walking dead and cry yourself to sleep until something good happens again?”

Chaeyoung was trying her best not to snap at Nayeon. She didn’t deserve that; Chaeyoung waits until the feeling of irritation passed and looked back at Nayeon. “I don’t think I’m what she wants, Nayeon.” She tried to say sternly, her voice was cracking. The hurt came back to her throat, and she wasn’t sure how to say the next thing. “I saw her with someone and she’s happy.”

“What?!” Nayeon then throws her hands up and turns around. “I am appalled by that. When she sees you with someone, giving you a kiss and playing with your hair.”

“Yeah, that was Tzuyu. You know, one our closest friends that I never failed to talk about to Mina?”

Nayeon was now quiet. Her brows furrowed hard. “Tzuyu? Your tall, quiet friend.”

Chaeyoung gave a condescending look and nodded at her. Walking away towards the pantry to take out a glass and then opens the fridge. “You want anything?”

“Juice?” Nayeon says as she also looks inside the fridge. Chaeyoung obliged and poured her a glass. “Thank you.”

She beckons Nayeon to sit on her small dining table, which was actually a foldable picnic table she found at the farmers market years ago. It was kind of embarrassing for Chaeyoung, but she really couldn’t think of that right now. They were both sitting in front of each other, Chaeyoung watches Nayeon as she finishes the drink.

“Mina thought you found someone else.” She says after swallowing the drink.

“I love her.” Chaeyoung immediately said, looking at Nayeon with a serious look. “I’m in love with her. I will never choose someone else over her.”

Nayeon’s expression changes now, it was more vulnerable than earlier. She shifts in her seat and lets out another sigh. “I want to tell you the truth as well. But I feel like if I tell you right now, you’ll not bother going to Mina anymore.”

“That’s not making me feel better.”

“And you think she’s fine?” Nayeon snaps back. “Do you really think me being with her, comforting her and wiping her tears away for the past few weeks was because she’s fine and dandy?”

Chaeyoung didn’t respond. The hurt in her heart was making her pride put up walls in front of Nayeon.

“She’s hurting because she wants to talk to you.” Nayeon said. Trying to be softer with her words. “But—“

“But she’s not ready.” Chaeyoung cuts her off. “I know. She told me.” She rubs the brim of her nose.

“Why aren’t you talking to her then?”

“Nayeon. It’s not easy, okay?” She snaps back. “What if I do, what if we do get together and she does love me back. But what is she going to do with her parents?”

Nayeon was quiet.

“Didn’t she tell you this? I’m not entirely the person who parents would like for their daughters.” Chaeyoung felt her tears coming back. “I have been dying to see her. I want to hold her in my arms again and be everything she wants me to be.”

The tears were now falling, Chaeyoung had no control over them now. She felt her heart ache again, she clutched her sweatshirt tight. Trying her best not to break down in front of her. “I love her so much. But I also want her to be happy. I don’t want to cause her any more pain. I don’t want to make her cry again.”

Nayeon stands up from her seat and walks over to Chaeyoung and takes her in for a hug. She melted in Nayeon’s arms and cried, wishing it would all go away. Nayeon gently coos her as she lets all her feelings out, grabbing tissues from her bag and wiping the tears off Chaeyoung’s face.

She grabs both cheeks and makes Chaeyoung look at her, rubbing the tears away gently with her thumbs. “I said it from the beginning. I believe in you.” The words made Chaeyoung cry more. “You need to see that in yourself too.”

“Yeah.” A sudden voice came from the entrance. Jeongyeon finally brought her extra key and let herself in. “You really need to stop putting yourself down and then say you’re not worth it.” She knelt down in front of Chaeyoung and placed a hand on her shoulder. She smiled and brought her best friend for a hug. Nayeon and Jeongyeon shared a look before Nayeon joined in for the hug as well.

Suddenly Chaeyoung pushes both of them back, wiping her tears. “Wait a fucking minute—“ she said now pointing at the two of them. “What the fuck is going on with you two?”