They Said Reverse Harem. I Said Restraining Orders

Aight, so a while back I saw a video a friend (and ex) made on TikTok talking about the YA Vampire Romance and the concept of a 1000-year-old vampire getting with a minor and people just being fine with it.

And you thought Elena, Caroline and Bella had boy problems?

That’s nothing compared to Zoey Redbird from the House of Night Book Series.

Here's a rundown:

Book One:

So in the House of Night, you don’t get bit to become a vampire. You get marked by a Tracker and you become a vampire fledging and go through the Change, basically vampire puberty. Usually how this happens, you cough, the Tracker finds you, says some weird chant thing and BOOM you get crescent outline on your forehead.

So our MC, Zoey pre vampire marking dated this dude Heath but ended up breaking up for some reason I can't remember (I was in highschool when I read the house of night.) then post vampire marking meets Erik who was dating the token mean girl Aphrodite, broke up with and slowly got closer to Zoey. And while this is happening, Zoey imprints with Heath coz the bitch drank his blood.

Book two

Zoey is dating Erik. Still imprinted with Health. But she's suddenly crushing on her literature teacher Loren who is a full vampire while she's a fledgling.

He's 24. She's 16. (Slowly calls the police).

I remembered reading this like: bitch we have Erik. Why are we looking at the lit teacher like we want to do unholy things to get an A+ for his class.

Book three.

Still dating Erik. Still imprinted with Health. Still crushing on Loren. I'll be honest Erik is stronger than me.

Like imagine dating the MC and chosen one while the bitch in question is imprinted with another nigga who she's known since they were in middle and you met her and been dating her for what? Weeks? A month? Idk. You can't compete with that.

Boom. Erik finally becomes a vampire (yay) but at the cost of him feeling pain during some vampire ritual thing and that triggered Zoey coz her best friend Stevie Rae died during said vampire ritual thing in book 2 because vampire puberty rejected her body and as of book 3 is currently a zombie because of some shady shit the vampire high Priestess Neferet has been doing.

So what does she do? She runs to Loren. They have sex. She breaks her imprint with Heath to imprint with Loren.

They get caught by Erik. He's rightfully mad. (Tho I can't really fault her coz she was CLEARLY groomed by Loren).

Zoey manages to fix Stevie Rae and made her and the other zombified fledglings into a new breed of vampire called red vampire who are stronger but more sensitive to sunlight and prefer living in tunnels.

Going back to Zoey. So she tried telling Erik that her and Loren were in love (girl. You're a victim. Especially when dude made you feel "like a woman". How can you feel like a woman at 16. You can't even parallel park. You said so yourself 🤨).

Erik decides to leave the house of night. So then Zoey catches Loren sleeping Neferet and finds out they (Neferet and Loren) were together that it was all part of Neferet's plan to break Zoey emotionally.

Wow. Imagine giving your boyfriend permission to cheat on you just to emotionally traumatize and groom a teenager. Either you don't give a fuck about your boyfriend or you're just concerningly obsessed with this one teenage because she's the chosen one. Oh and Loren's dead. Body found without a head.

Book 4.

Zoey is now boyfriendless. But not for long.

Enter Stark. Another fledgling who just got transferred from a different house of night to the one in the story and these two are already into each just three or four chapters in.

Too bad it's short lived coz Stark ends up dead coz of the same vampire puberty rejecting him. But don't worry he'll be an undead red fledgling by the end of this book. And at least he got a kiss from Zoey before he flatlined.

Erik comes back but as Loren coz the nigga is dead. So what best way to start your first day teaching by reenacting the scene from Othello where Othello confronts Desdemona for betraying him (oh the dramatic irony) and killing her and that scene just so happen to have a kiss scene.

This just happened like some hours after Stark died btw.

But wait. We're introduced to the next boy on Zoey's roaster.

Kalona. A fallen angel who SAed and raped multiple Cherokee women and procreated children with raven heads and wings called Raven Mokers and as a retaliation the women created a woman from the earth and their essence called Aya to trap kalona in the earth for centuries. What's this? Kalona and his kids are free because of some plot convenient prophecy.

Book five.

We find out Zoey's the reincarnation of Aya so now kalona is obsessed with her.

Erik and Zoey get back together. Zoey imprints with Heath AGAIN coz she needed human blood to heal a very fatal wound. Yaaaaaaaay.

I haven't read book six but I can assume at this point Zoey broke up with Erik. Kinda got with Stark. Heath got killed by Kalona. Zoey freaked out and tried to kill kalona with her powers but it back fired and put her in a coma.

Book seven

People are mostly trying to figure out how to get Zoey out of her coma.

Zoey and Heath are in the after life. Zoey is a mess. Stark finally getting there and fights. Zoey gets her shit together and her and Stark go back to he land of the living and she's now imprinted to Stark.

I haven't read book eight so skip to book nine where we're introduced to another guy on Zoey's roaster Auron (I think) who's a bull shape shifter who happens to be the reincarnation of Heath.

There's a total of 12 books I haven't finished all of them.