The Day You Lost Her

There’s something about the way you can sense her arrival.

When the concrete and crowd part for a moment, when the heavy mixed scent of sweat and food are overtaken by the hint of light green honey wind and lilies of the valley, when her smile beams at you like a beacon and pulls you towards her, you know—you known damn well—who’s right there waiting for you.

Naoi Rei. Your best friend.

Dressed in this caramel sweater that hugs just past her waist, wrapping up what you cannot determine—is that a white dress or a two-piece ensemble?—beneath the surface, she throws her hair back and waves at you. “Oppa!”

You jog up to her from across the other end of the entrance and when she leans in you throw up a fist. When you connect with her, your hands morph into a series of symbols that none of the passers-by can understand as you perform the entire length of your secret handshake without shame.

“Kept me waiting. I’ve been here since like,” you pause, checking your phone. “Eight, I’d like to say?”

“Dude, the park doesn’t open ’til nine. That’s on you,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes at you. But not before bunching up closer to you and bouncing on the heels of her feet. “Guess someone’s excited.”

“Excited? Why wouldn’t I be? We’ve been planning this for ages, dude. If any problems came up for my thesis yesterday, I would have genuinely killed myself,” you uttered, shuddering and mimicking throwing up. “Slogged through finals just for this, you know? Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

She glances down at her shoes—Mary Janes—for a moment before peeking up and smiling at you. “I … I was pretty excited for this too.”

You chuckle and ruffle her head. But not so hard. She’s got an adorable polkadotted headband on, and you don’t want to ruin her outfit for the day. “So, shall we? Unless we’re forgetting anything else?”

“Mmm, nope!” she hummed, picking up your arm and lacing herself around it. “Let’s go!”

You both raise your fists in the air and cheer at the top of your lungs before heading towards the line by the turnstiles.

You and Rei have been best friends for years now—ever since freshman year. A silly incident at the cafeteria involving noodles and translations later and you found yourself a soulmate. Rei’s a breath of fresh air. In your circle of friends, she’s the one you sat next to almost immediately because she’s always saved a space for you. Whenever you forgot your wallet at home, she never hesitated to cover for your share—but not before berating you a little for it. After exhausting days at class, whenever bullshit sprung up at university, after every time your sorry ass got rejected after confessions, or when you just wanted to disappear from the world, Rei’s the first person you think of.

She’s your go-to. She’s your best friend.

So when she invited you a couple weeks ago to hang out. Just the two of you. At this theme park. You didn’t think twice to say yes. Going on this friendly date with her is the least you can do for all the things she’s done for you in the past. You even offered to pay for her ticket as well.

Combing through her hair to make sure it was still neat, she perks up and gives you the grabby hands. “Give me my phone. Let me check the map.”

You bowed down to your waist and offered her mobile device above your head. She chuckles and pinches your cheek. “So extra.”

“Anything for the princess.”

When you stand back up, you could have sworn she was blushing for a moment there. “Whatever, loser. Want to start with some warm-ups? I think we can do a few chiller rides before we go onto the bigger more intense ones.”

“Who needs warm-ups? I’m raring to go. Let’s go for that one,” you challenge, pointing at the rollercoaster in the distance that has a drop steeper than your general weighted average from last semester. “Holy shit, they just disappeared into the fucking ground.”

“Ehh, I don’t want to go to the crazy ones just yet! It’ll ruin the rest of our date if my tummy gets all jumbled up.”

Date? 

Maybe it’s an accident. Slip of the tongue. Rei likes to embellish things all the time. You ignore it and instead let out a laugh that’s more mocking than you intended it to. “Alright, alright. Let’s start slowly then. Want to go to Fantasy Land first?”

She navigates the digital map with a finger, her mouth doing that adorable rapid twitching thing it always does when she’s deep in thought. You almost want to pinch her cheek—but you know she’s going to kick you in the balls for it. “Sure!”

You were about to head out when she lifts her hand up above her thigh.

“Hm? Oh, let’s fucking go, dude!”

Clap.

You curl your arm backwards and high five her like that. Bit of an awkward position for a high five, but you’re hyped the fuck up and just keep nodding. “Let’s go!”

She doesn’t move.

You lift a brow. “Something wrong?”

She flits her hand up and down in small motions. Like that’s supposed to mean something. Like you’re supposed to understand it.

“Oh.”

The swell of your knuckles inches towards the small of her palm, and once your hands fit together like puzzle pieces, you squeeze hers in affirmation.

Your interlaced fingers swing back and forth for a few moments as you both just look at each other.

You’re not sure if you’re supposed to be doing this.

You’ve only ever seen her hold hands with Liz, who’s like her other bestie. You think she’s held hands with Wonyoung a few times before when they went shopping. You vaguely remember seeing them push and pull against one another while you were holding their bags. Maybe she’s held Leeseo’s hands like these too when the younger one was in tears?

But you’ve never held Rei’s hand like this before. It feels … different.

Lifting her hand up, you smile. You kiss the little bumps of her knuckles. One by one.

“Stop …”

“What, you’re the one who wanted to hold hands, dude. You’ve got cute fingers.”

“I only meant to … whatever …”

You stick your tongue out and gently bite one of her digits.”

“YA! Don’t eat me!”

You can’t help but chuckle now as you press the back of her hand against your cheek, pull her closer, and gesture ahead of you. “Can’t hold you like this if I did eat you. Tell me if my palm gets too sweaty.”

“Nuh uh, I don’t mind.”

You shake your head and look away. “Dude, sweaty palms are gross.”

She squeezes your hand and shakes your head. “Don’t let go,” Rei whispers.

You feel a burning behind your ears as you tighten your hold on her. “Ok.”

And so, you in fact do not let go of her. You hold onto Rei like you might lose her for good otherwise—like she might slip away from you.

You hold her hand as she drags you down the long stretch of brick road towards Fantasy Land, hair bouncing with each footfall, cheeks fluffed and full as she smiles, eyes locking onto yours as she glances at you over her shoulder.

You hold her hand as you get onto this area’s version of the classic ‘caterpillar’ ride, helping her into the small and cramped compartment of one row, resting it on the inside of your thigh as she gasps and screams like this kiddie ride is the most exhilarating thing ever.

You hold her hand as you buy sticks of cotton candy at one of the stands, obnoxiously blocking off a family of four from getting closer to check the prices, but instead of breaking apart, you pull her towards you until she’s pressing up against your chest, holding her this way until the candy’s done.

Even when you two sit along the edge of one of the park trees, you still hold her hand and watch as she struggles to take bites of her food.

“Sheesh, you’re a messy eater,” you tell her as you pushed her non-dominant hand away and wiped strings of cotton candy from the corner of her lip. Once it’s clean, you pluck a tuft from her stick and lift it gently towards her.

She nibbles on it meekly, her lips finding the tips of your fingers. But she doesn’t recoil.

You have to stop yourself from making a joke because you know your best friend’s going to give you an earful for it. So you pluck another tuft of the candy and offer it to Rei.

“Aren’t you going to take some for yourself too?”

Rei wags her fingers above your stick before plucking up some from it. At first, you thought she was going to eat it herself to try out your flavor, but when she brings her fingers to your lips, you pause.

“A-Ahh~.”

Nom.

She laughs at the way you chomp down to her first knuckle, and you smile at the way she’s pinching your cheek. But you’re both interrupted by the way one of the children running back and forth on the street point at you two in ridicule.

“Haha! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

His father swipes him up like he weighs nothing before he can mock you two any further. It’s only then that she lets go of your hand and presses her palm against her own thigh. You give her some space and inch a bit farther out. Don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable now, do you?

“So,” you draw out, testing the waters to see if she’s come to once again. “Where to next? I was thinking of checking out what Future Land was about. I overheard some things about a ride with blasters?”

Her eyes widen and she’s quick to slap your knee repeatedly upon hearing that. “Dude, we should totally go! Maybe we can finally have a proper rematch.”

“You’re still holding me to that?”

She mocks you with her flapping lips. “Oppa, you wouldn’t let me live it down, but you know you were cheating!”

“Hell nah, I wasn’t.”

“You were!” she insists once again, taking a hasty bite of her candy in frustration. “Dude, you tickled me at the last moment and I missed my shot.”

“And the rest is history,” you tease, remembering the reason why you managed to bring home a large teddy bear from the state fair you two visited three months ago. “I gave you the bear though. Are you still salty about it?”

“He has a name you know,” she pouts, like you’re supposed to know that.

“My bad. What’s the fella’s name?”

She goes quiet for a while, then shakes her head. “N-Nothing. Anyway … Future Land?”

“Future Land.”

You gobble the rest of your stick and toss it into the trash can before she can get another word out. “Race you there though. Loser has to pay for lunch.”

“HEY—!”

And you two are off.

She’s screaming at you like you robbed her blind, trying to keep her dress from flying, and you’re struggling to keep your pace as you dash at full speed because you’re trying to burn this moment of her mid-scrambling towards you in the back of your mind.

When the two of you manage to make it to the ride in question, you’re both thankful that you can just cut the line with the help of your express passes. In moments, you found yourselves pushing and shoving each other in an attempt to throw one another off before your carriage can leave the starting area.

“No tickling!” she warns, pointing her space rifle at you. “I swear to god, if you so much as—HAHAHA STOP!”

You smirk as your slippery fingers find purchase against the soft of her side. “You were saying something?”

“YA! STOP YOU ASSHOLE—.”

You stop. 

Not because she tells you to. But because her forehead bumps into yours. And you’re now nose-to-nose with Rei.

You can see the unpicked morning glory in the inside of her eye. You can feel her unsteady breath against your cheeks. You can smell bubblegum and cedarwood from under your own.

And you both stay that way without realizing that the ride’s already begun.

“Shit, guns out,” you announce, holding your rifle with one hand on the snout and the other around the trigger.

“Y-Yeah … good luck …”

It’s an uncomfortable ride.

Not because there isn’t much space in it. Not because you’re afraid Rei’s doing way better at you and that the digital score counter on her side is ticking up faster than yours. Not even because it’s so damn hot in here or because of all the flashing lights shoved in your face that feels borderline epileptic.

It’s because you keep thinking about that.

As you’re hitting every alien right in the dead center of their red targets, your grip on the space rifle is a precarious one at best. Why? Because you’re too busy stealing glances at Rei’s determined expression.

God she can be so adorable, can’t she?

The way her nose scrunches along with one closed eye like she’s some sort of sniper or deadshot aiming for the creatures on her side of the ride. The way her cheeks tense and squish against her shoulder when she rests her head on it for a better angle. The way she whimpers and gasps through sealed lips whenever one of those things just pops out of nowhere or swoops down from above and surprises her.

You can’t help but smile and feel this warmth in your chest.

A part of you wants to just aimlessly fire your space rifle all over the place to let her win, but you know your best friend enough to know that she won’t accept a surrender as a victory. So, against your better senses, you end up locking in once again and mow down every last fucking abomination this ride can throw at you.

By the end of it, once you’re both wheeling into the entrance-exit area of the ride, you take a quick glance at your scores.

Nineteen hundred for her. Thirty-three hundred for you.

She does not say anything as she gets off the ride.

You take a quick picture of it as a keepsake before you’re hopping off—nearly getting your bag’s strap hooked to one of the ride’s sides—and jogging after her.

“Hey, you don’t—.”

“Don’t … I don’t want to talk about it,” she mutters, walking farther and farther away from you, fists clenching by her sides. “I-I was … I was off my game, and I just … dude just take your win. You won fair and—.”

You wrap an arm around her shoulders from behind and tug her towards you, holding her steady so she can’t slip away.

Admittedly, you didn’t think this far ahead. You just wanted to stop her. But now that you’re here, and she’s looking up at you, and you’re looking down at her and the flush of her face, and you’re having those thoughts again from earlier, you just wish you didn’t do any of this, but it’s too late. You’re here now.

You just kind of awkwardly rub her shoulder and squeeze it. “Hey, if you’re low on cash, don’t sweat it. It was just for fun anyway.”

But she pouts. And when she pouts like this, you can’t help but feel bad for her because her full lips does this thing where they suddenly look so kissable—.

Wait. What the fuck?

“Hm?” she asks, like you said something that you shouldn’t have out loud. 

You’re quick to rub your nape and play it off, trying to dismantle the thought before it can fully form in your head. “Nothing, just … how about drinks? You can cover drinks. I’ll get us lunch for the both of us.”

“Ehh, I still think that’s a cop out dude, but sure. As long as they’re non-alcoholic.”

“Dang it, I should have specified,” you curse, but you see Rei regain the life in her when she chuckles at your misfortune, so it doesn’t sting as bad. Wanting to keep this good thing going, you direct her away from the lines of people waiting to get onto the shooter ride and lead her towards the rest of Future Land. “We have some time before then. How about we look around?”

Future Land’s the land of the ADHD. Thankfully for the both of you, you’re two little fucking gremlins who absolutely cannot sit still.

You get on a futuristic looking waltzer, and before the ride even starts, Rei’s already begging for her life, pleading for you to go easy on her, but there’s no room for mercy in your dictionary, and you end up spinning your shared seat around and around and around. She’s clutching your sides, face buried into the crook of your neck, and you just wrap your arm around her protectively and let it happen as you fight the urge to hurl too in between your laughs.

You try out this allegedly six-dimensional movie theater, and when the lights come off as both of your glasses slip on, you naively believe that this is some children’s show, but neither of you bothered to look at the sign outside the ride. You’re both treated to the violent experience of being in the shoes of a rebel pilot fleeing from the regime’s fleet with nothing but your dingy little space skipper, and every fucking jitter and explosion against your ride translates to rumbles and shakes against your seats. Rei instinctively grabs your hair at one part and nearly yanks your scalp off, but you retort back by tickling her again so she would let go, and then you’re both trying to shove each other’s faces off in a fit.

You both think it’s time to finally try out one of the ‘realer’ rollercoasters at the theme park—whatever that means—and decide to get on one that’s shaped like a bullet train. Rei’s all cocky and arrogant, claiming she doesn’t need to hold the handlebars, which remains true for the first ten seconds when the ride departs from the landing and slowly makes its way up the gentle slope before you, but that faux confidence of hers drains itself dry when you both are slammed against the backs of your seats from the whiplash of this ride’s speed. You don’t wait for Rei to say anything because you can tell she’s frightened—you just reach out to squeeze her hand and press your wrists against the handlebar, desperate for any semblance of security as gravity crushes your chests and makes your cheeks slobber backwards from the sheer velocity.

Once you’ve both had your fill of rides again, you both stumble to the nearest indoor restaurant, oblivious to the prices on the menu, and just get yourselves seated to regain your composures.

Pulling her headband back and shaking her hair, combing through it, Rei lifts her chin and tidies herself up. There’s a slight tension in her eyes, and you recognize that’s her pausing mid-thought to think about keeping the headband on or tying back her hair in a ponytail instead. And you smile when your suspicion is proven right with the way she decides to fit her headband back on securely atop herself.

“What?”

You shrug. “Just waiting for you to order.”

“No, you were staring, dude. It’s pretty obvious.”

“What? I’m just looking at you. Nothing weird about that.”

“It’s weird when you look like you want to say something, but you don’t say it,” she presses, flipping through the pages of the menu, and you can see the cost of today’s lunch scribbled across her contorting face. Rei’s terrible at acting nonchalant. You can sense she’s onto something.”

“What do you want me to say?”

She shrugs. Of course she’s being difficult again. “Dunno.”

You shrug as well, opening the menu. “Dunno either. You just looked kinda chilly is all.”

Her thumb and pointer tremble against the corner of the page.

You raise a brow, and when you look up, she immediately averts her gaze when you accidentally lock eyes. “I’ve got something. Hold on.”

Unzipping your fanny pack, you take out a tightly rolled piece of velvet. Unfurling it, you show Rei the length of the scarf. “Mom gifted this to me last winter. But it’s whatever. Doesn’t fit my style. I was going to give this to you for your birthday last February since it reminded me of you, but you know how that went.”

The straight of her lips crumbles into a grin. “The bear. Yeah. That’s a lovely scarf though. You should keep it. It’s from your mother.”

But you wince and shake your head. “No use acting coy about it now. It’s yours. Come, can you lean forward a little?”

She dips, but it’s too reserved.

“Closer, dude. You’re so far away.”

She rolls her eyes and dips further forward.

You lean forward as well, and when you do, you get the chance to properly hook the bundle of the scarf around her neck, cross the ends neatly over each other, and then knot it securely just by her collarbone. The velvet feels comfortable to the touch, and you ensure she feels this way too, creasing the ruffles across it.

When you pull back, you admire your work. “Aw, you look all wrapped up like a baby.”

She glares and pouts at you, but it doesn’t last long because she’s biting her lip afterwards. “Dude … stop making a big deal out of it …”

“What? It suits you. I hope you wear it often.”

She digs her fingers into the soft of the scarf’s material, and she smiles at it. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I’ll wear it a lot.”

You feel like blood might shoot out from your nostrils. What the hell was that? A fucking assault of adorableness straight through your chest.

“A-Anyway, order up. Food’s on me,” you invite, reminding her that you guys still haven’t decided on what to eat yet.

“I’ll cover the drinks! Want to get some milk tea?”

“Dude, we always get boba. Can’t we go for something else this time?”

“Fine, fine~. Fruit tea? No, lemonade. Sparkling water?”

“Just kill me. I’d rather drink sewer juice than chug sparkling water.”

She reels back at your statement, and you both chuckle over how unhinged it is. “You’re so gross sometimes. Why do I even bother with you?”

You don’t reply. Just do a little wiggle and shrug your shoulders.

Rei chuckles and reaches out to squeeze your wrist. “Let’s just go with some root beer. Can I have the—?”

“Clubhouse sandwich? Sure, I’ll get the carbonara. Worth a try, looks really creamy. I was thinking about splitting the fries though. What do you think?”

She nods. “Loaded fries?”

“Loaded fucking fries, hell yeah!”

Rei’s smile grows as she bumps her knees together underneath the table. You know this because she’s bumping them against yours while her shoes rest atop yours as well. “Go order then.”

You both settle into your usually routine while waiting for your food, and although it doesn’t take too long for your order to arrive, you continue just chatting with Rei comfortably like this.

“So I was just chilling in my vacant last Thursday, yeah? And Yujin’s just tearing through the org room in search of something.”

“What was it?” you ask, holding up a forkful of fries towards her.

Rei hesitates for a moment, and you tell yourself it’s because she has food in her mouth still, but when she takes the first peck of the loaded fries, she immediately dips towards your fork once more to get a better taste. “Sorry, those are so good—but yeah, she was looking for her camera. The new one she bought?”

“Wait a minute, when the fuck did Yujin buy a camera?”

Rei is just as clueless as you are as she presses her fingers firmly against the half-finished sandwich in one of her hands. “Dunno dude, but she’s been getting into photography a lot more lately. Think she joined some photography club or the journalism club or something.”

“Ya, that woman. Bet she likes someone there, if ever,” you insinuate, biting your tongue as you imagine what kind of guy—or girl—Yujin would be into. “Is that the same reason you joined the film club?”

“What?”

You nearly choke on your food in surprise over how grating that response of Rei’s was. “What do you mean ‘what’? You and the other girls joined the film club all of a sudden. I just thought it was suspicious.”

“Suspicious about what?”

Why were you suspicious?

You know what the thought is in your head. You ponder on it a bit more as you clean up a forkful of pasta, trying to find the right words to express it. But you knew—you’ve had this feeling for a while now—that Rei’s been ‘getting invested’ in someone lately. 

She’s always all flustered when you bump into her in the hallways, mixed up on words when you try to start some deeper conversations with her by the convenience store, and she’s been more vigilant about letting you into her dorm room whenever you just wanted to hang out.

You’re pretty damn sure she’s got a guy. If she doesn’t yet, you swear that she’s at least got a guy in mind.

But what was wrong with that?

You called it ‘being overprotective’. You labelled it ‘stranger danger’. Even chalked it up to being ‘concerned for her’. But really, what was wrong with Rei finding a boyfriend? Your bestie’s never been the type to say it out loud like your other friends, but she’s a yearner. If her watchlist with nothing but arthouse indie films on it isn’t a blatant enough sign, then surely your shared playlist filled with alternative artists whose names are longer than book titles and whose songs can be lines of poetry by themselves is the signal fire.

Again, what was wrong with that?

You don’t know. You don’t really know, but a part of it unsettles you.

“Just use protection.”

Root beer forcefully ejects from her nose and back into her cup. You stand up to get some tissue to help her wipe up, but she’s reddening at the cheeks now and hides her face into her napkin. You give her a moment, and her first words after resurfacing are, “You asshole …”

“What, it’s better safe than—.”

She throws the crumpled napkin at your face. “Continue, and I am going to gut you like a fish.”

“Ok, maybe I was overstepping there, but … I guess what I wanted to say was, if you’re going to end up fooling around, just take it easy, alright? Men can be … assholes.”

“Definitely. I’m staring right at one.”

“Hey, I’m paying for lunch, can you at least cut me some slack? Jesus.”

“Yeah, not when you’re saying stuff like that, oppa.”

“Wait, stuff like what—?”

“Ugh, just … just zip it before I actually get mad,” Rei grunts, stuffing her face full of the remaining sandwich and chips on her plate. With full cheeks, she crosses her arms, and some of the crumbs fall onto her new scarf. “Such an idiot.”

You know better than to defend yourself or continue running your mouth when a woman’s already ticked off like that. You resolve to instead bow your head in apology and pick off the rest of your meal in silence.

You’re not quite sure why she’s suddenly in a pissy mood, but when your phone blows up with notifications from your group chat asking how your ‘date’ with Rei’s going, an idea comes to you.

Click.

She’s pressing the cup of her drink against her face—likely cooling off with it—as she’s staring past you through the windows to the side. She looks deep in thought. Eyebrows threaded neatly across her forehead. Pupils wide and roaming like they’re searching for something. The folds of her lips rubbing against each other as she twitches her mouth.

“Cute,” you whisper, and for a second, you consider sending this to the rest of your friends. But when you glance up from your phone and see Rei biting the rim of her cup, your heart does a somersault in your chest, and you cancel the loaded up attachment.

You save it in one of the folders in your gallery. Just for you.

This one’s just for you.

“Are you done? Who are you even texting?”

“I—Am I not allowed to text people? It’s hard to reply to others when we’re always on the move out there.”

“So you are texting someone.”

You sense something dangerous with her tone. “I … am?”

She slaps her cup back down on the table, and you’re completely lost on what it is she could be mad about this time, but you don’t interfere—you don’t dare interfere right now. “Am I boring you?”

“What—no—no! No, you’re not. They were just asking for updates in the group chat. Just messaging the other girls—.”

“Other girls?”

“Y-Yeah, Wonyoung sends her regards too. She asked me to pick something out for her at the souvenir shop before we leave.”

She spits back your last words to you in a mocking manner. “Go on a date with Wonyoung then for all I care. Bet you wish she was here instead.”

“Hey now—.”

“Can’t even be bothered to tuck away your phone while we’re together.”

“Hey—!”

“Shouldn’t have come here—UGH. But you paid for the tickets, and I—.”

“Rei.”

She stops herself. She knows that when you call her name that way, she’s crossed a line. But she’s still too emotional to dial it back and retract herself from this downward spiral. “What?”

You turn your phone off and slide it towards her. She looks at your phone, then up at you, as you say. “My phone’s all yours. Shouldn’t have been distracted like that anyway while you were talking—sorry. Let me make it up to you.”

“What does she want?”

“Excuse me?”

“Wonyoung, what did she want from the souvenir shop?” she asks again, still unable to really meet your eyes.

“She didn’t say anything specific, just that I should get her something—.”

“Whatever you buy her, you’re buying me twice—no, thrice—the amount.”

Is it twisted to say that you like seeing her all pouty and worked up like this?

Never on your life would you ever think of ragebaiting Rei. But seeing her feeling all petty and possessive like this leaves you with this uncontrollable urge to smile.

“Just don’t eat into my stipend, please. We have a few more semesters until we graduate.”

She rolls her eyes and whines in a high pitched tone. “Your money’s mine, oppa. It’s a done deal now.”

After striking a deal with the devil, the two of you leave the restaurant and are immediately met with the midafternoon sun against your bloated faces.

Rei’s not subtle about it. She lifts her pinky up and you can’t help but indulge this needy best friend of yours. You swear that prior to today she wanted nothing to do with you—let alone getting physical with you—but this is a nice change of pace. So you reach for her hand and fit it within yours before swinging it upwards. “Which land do you want to go to next? Frontier Land sounds—.”

“Can we just … walk?”

“Huh, and here I thought we were warming up for the heftier rides. What gives?”

She doesn’t even fight you anymore. She leans into your shoulder and rests her head on your chest. “I’m full. I’ll throw up all over you if we go on any ride right now, oppa. Can’t we just … I don’t know—walk around the park?”

At first, you worry that she might still be in a bad mood over your previous argument. But when you feel her weight against yours, you can sense how tired she is. You’re not one to pick on her for that. Rei’s not really known for her constitution, and the last thing you want to do is to carry her all the way back home.

“How do you feel about dessert?”

She parts from you in a heartbeat and you see her smiling through her eyes. “Ice cream? On you?”

You chuckle from deep in your gut and shake your head. “You’re fucking hopeless. Yeah, let’s get some ice cream.”

Rei’s picky with her ice cream. Very picky.

She’s not one to reject the simpler flavors like vanilla or strawberry, but you know your best friend would die for a good cup of rainbow sherbet. 

So to make up for being a bit of a downer earlier, you scour the entire park to see if any of the stores selling ice cream offered her favorite flavor: rainbow sherbet.

About an hour of walking and sweating later, you bunch yourselves up around one of the shaded outdoor tables in Farm Land—which is an area of the park you never expected yourself to end up in—and indulge yourselves in some desserts.

Except there’s only one dessert. Rei didn’t want to order her own and insisted on sharing one with you. She said the same for drinks—she wanted some lemonade after all that walking, but was too full to drink a cup all by herself. So you did what any good friend would do and bought the largest tub of rainbow sherbet and the largest size of lemonade for the both of you to share.

“Ehh? You’re so far away. How can you feed me from over there?”

“You …,” you trail, pushing the table between you both away. Standing up, you drag your seat until it’s right next to hers, and slot the table back in front of you. “Better?”

She rests a hand on your arm and plants her head on your shoulder again, staking her claim over you once more. “Much better. Ahh~.”

In between feeding Rei scoops of ice cream, the two of you just sit next to each other and be.

If Yujin was next to you, she’d be betting against you on eye-spy to try and make a few bucks off of you. If it was Gaeul, she’d be digging her fingers into the table whenever she’d see a cute little kiddo pass by. If it was Wonyoung—you know she’s going to be on her phone reviewing whatever subject she still had exams for. Liz? She’d be uncomfortable with the amount of people already here and would be asking you to go home already. And Leeseo? God, you wouldn’t even be sitting here right now—she wouldn’t give you a damn break.

But Rei? 

She’s predictable—the way you know the cadence of her mastication and just know the right time to dig your spoon into the sherbet and feed her another serving, the way you can time your feet against hers so you can both click them together over and over again, the way you can tell when she’s about to cough from a dry throat so you lean the straw towards her.

She’s comfortable—the way you don’t have to even say anything while you’re sitting together like this and people-watching, the way you don’t have to muster up the energy you know you do not have just to keep going around the park, the way you don’t even feel any nuisance with her body on you—against you—like this because she’s so goddamn soft and warm.

She’s … perfect.

Because you know that if you two had met under different circumstances, you’d be absolutely whipped for her. And you think about that a lot.

Rei’s beautiful. But not just in the way that you love the silky waves of her hair and how it rolls down her back, or the weight of her gaze when she looks into your eyes, or the way her visage is always framed perfectly under any amount of light. You love the way she takes the time to message you daily to ask what you’re up to—she always claims she’s bored, but you know she asks because she cares. The way she purposefully buys a little too much of anything when she knows you’re meeting her just so she can give you the extra—food, drinks, tickets, even books or stationeries. The way she has this shimmer in her eyes when she talks about this series she was binging in bed over the weekend, or the way she gets so invested and locked-in when she’s showing off the little art projects she’s been working on, or the way she misses her family back in Japan whenever they call her cell to check on her.

She’d be lovely to date. Anyone would be lucky to have Rei as their girlfriend, and that’s the problem here.

You want her as your girlfriend. But you can’t have that.

You can’t have her.

She’s your best friend.

And godforbid all the warnings and red flags people have thrusted in your face when it comes to hitting on your best friend.

So you indulge in moments like these. Moments like these when you’re a coin’s toss away from guessing whether Rei’s already passed out or not, body against yours, fingers interlaced in hers, and you can just be. You can just be. With her. Where she is neither yours nor you hers. Where labels can just cease to exist for a moment longer. Where you can just fill your heart up enough to satisfy you for a lifetime of silent yearning.

And it’s ok. This? This is ok.

You’d rather have Rei like this than have none of her at all.

When she stirs awake, she blinks rapidly and adjusts her eyes to the light once more. You know what it’s like to wake up just as the sun sets. It can be a bit overwhelming for the senses. So you give her some time to sit up, stretch, and lean over your lap. “Was I out for that long?”

You swirl the melted sherbet in your hand. “It’s still cold. Want to finish this up before we get going?”

She pouts, biting on the rim of the cup. “I’m sorry, oppa … I wasted your time. We could have gone on a few more rides, but now I’m really sleepy after that nap …”

“Hey, don’t worry about it, yeah? Today’s our day off from academics and all of that. We can spend the day however the hell we want to. The theme park was just for a change of pace.”

Her smile builds once again as she downs the rest of the melted ice cream. She washes the taste off her palette with the leftover lemonade and finishes with a small burp. “Do you think we have time for one more ride?”

“Dude, the park doesn’t close until like eight in the evening or something. I think we’re good.”

“Then can we ride the ferris wheel together?”

She didn’t even have to ask you twice.

There’s no express lane for the ferris wheel, likely because it’s one of the park’s main attractions. And at the golden hour, you fully expect there to be a line that runs longer than any of the other rides.

So it confuses you in the most pleasant way to see that no one is lining up for the ferris wheel right now. It’s completely empty.

“Huh, would you look at that,” you say, squeezing her hand in yours. “Seems like it’s your lucky day. Got a preference?”

“Ehh? What’s there to have a preference for? It’s just … oh, can we wait for the purple one to land?”

You shrug and make a strained face. “I don’t know, I think all the purple ones are—OUCH what the fuck?”

She angles her chin in your direction, trying to intimidate you. “Do you want me to quadruple your souvenir quota, oppa?”

“Fine fine, let’s wait—the next one’s purple, the next one’s purple! Go, go, go!”

And you both drop the banter and scramble for the front of the line, surprising even the staff on duty, who hurriedly scans your park tags and helps you get onto the purple carriage.

You have only one foot in the carriage when it lifts you off the ground, which scares the living shit out of the park staff, but you reassure her by lugging yourself inside at the last second and securing the door shut behind you.

Sitting opposite Rei, you both look out the window and watch as your carriage rises up, into the sky, and starts to tower over the rest of the theme park. The people start to look like ants. The other rides begin to look like collections of toys. And the clouds begin to look more within reach with each passing second.

One hand on the glass, Rei sighs. “It’s pretty. The horizon? Feels like it could go on and on.”

“You could say that again,” leaning your elbow against the wall next to you. “Wish I could take some pictures, but someone’s got my—.”

Click.

“Hey now—.”

“Now I’m not the only one with a candid picture.

Unlike you, Rei shows you the shot she stole using her phone, sticking her tongue out at you. It’s a picture of you with your knees spread comfortably, body tilted to one side, but you have this look in your eyes as you gaze into the setting sun that paints your face a hue of gold. A look that you never thought you could make. Not until today.

A look of longing.

“Sorry, but I’m keeping this one. You look like such a loser—I … I-I didn’t mean—.”

“Dude, you have to double down. If you’re going to shit on me, then at least—.”

“But I didn’t mean to. I … I have to stop doing that.”

Her words catch your attention.

She’s slipped her phone between her legs, flattening her dress against her thighs. Her fingers are all over the place, unsure of where they want to go or rest or grab. Her hair pools against the ruffles of her scarf, and because of the way she’s lowering her chin, her cheeks fluff out so poofily.

“You … what?”

Rei purses her lips and sighs. “I have to get rid of that. Force of habit. I don’t … I don’t want to keep treating you like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re still just a friend.”

The world stops around you. Literally. Because the carriage actually stops moving while you’re paused hundreds of feet in the air.

You’re not acrophobic, but god damnit after hearing what Rei just said to you, you can’t help but feel like you might fall off the edge of your seat. “Rei, I—.”

“Thank you, oppa. Thank you for today,” she confesses with a smile that pulls halfway up to her cheeks. “I know some parts of it were a bit awkward, and I um, didn’t really carry myself too well, but I had a lot of fun. With you. When we’re together like this, I … I always feel at ease. You’re such a weirdo sometimes, but you bring this sense of comfort around with you. It’s nice. Very nice. So yeah. Thank you for making my first date memorable.”

“Wait, you mean like date date?”

You have never seen Rei go from flustered to horrified in a matter of seconds. “What?”

“You make it sound like we went on an actual date. Like, romantic date. But this … this was a date as best friends, right? As … as besties?”

You have to ask.

You have to ask because you don’t want to get your fucking hopes up. You don’t want to assume anything. Hell—you don’t even want to give yourself any ounce of false hope that she might feel the same way that you do. Because it hurts. It fucking hurts to have been good friends with the women you’ve been trying to court, only to be friendzoned by them over and over again. Call yourself jaded. Call yourself scarred or traumatized. But you sure as hell are not going to lose yourself so deeply into someone out of love. Not again.

And you’re not going to lose your best friend like this.

But she’s … crying.

Oh, god. Oh dear god, she’s … she’s crying.

You don’t even know what to say.

“It all makes sense now …”

You clear your throat and want to intervene, but Rei’s already undoing the scarf from her neck and holding it in her trembling hands. “The way you didn’t take my hand … the way you acted so guarded around me … the way you never took any initiative to … t-t-to set anything up for us … You … you were just acting like my best friend, when I … when I was thinking … hoping … you’d finally seen me as someone more than just that … I thought you … I thought you liked me to … Oh my god … oh my god, you were even texting Wonyoung … you didn’t … oppa, you never even—.”

She shoves the scarf into your chest and bawls her eyes out into her open palms.

Her pained cries reverberate through the silence within your carriage, echoing the sorrow back into your dumfounded ears. And you’re unable to really do anything. Not while she’s crumpled over her own lap. Not while she’s beating her chest and pinching her neck. Not while the door to the carriage opens at the behest of the staff.

Then she’s out.

She’s running away.

From you.

There’s something about the way she leaves.

When the concrete and crowd swallow her whole and make her disappear, when the haze of the day overtakes your consciousness and leaves you speechless, when her form shrinks further and further until she’s tiny enough to flee from even your tunnel vision, you know—you know damn well—that you fucked up.

You fucked up.

“REI!”

You don’t even care anymore.

“Rei! Wait, please—!”

About what might happen. About what might follow.

“Please! Let me—.”

About what’s right. About what’s wrong.

“Please … I want to … I-I-I …”

You just don’t want to lose Rei like this.

So when you sprint at full speed, throwing caution to the wind and almost immediately eating shit when you stumble forwards, you right yourself just as quickly and push through the crowd swamping you from all directions as they head to the exit now, and reach your hand out to her.

Once you’ve broken through the traffic and grab a hold of her wrist, it’s your turn to do the dragging now.

“Let go …”

You don’t. You pull Rei all the way off to the side—just outside the souvenir shop near the entrance.

“I said, let go—!”

You hold the plush of her cheeks with your jittering hands and urge her to hush for a moment with but a thumb on her similarly quivering lip. You dry her eyes with the edge of the scarf, but she won’t keep still, whipping her head and hair about as if she might break free from your grasp.

“J-Just let me be alone for now, and … and then we can talk about—.”

“I like you too.”

You never imagined it to be like this. You never imagined for there to be a moment in your life similar to this.

Whether it’s from your tears or the way that you’re hyperfixated on her right now, the shape of the crowd begins to bend and blur until all you see is a wave of color. The park lights start to turn on all around you with the darkening of the sky. A cold breeze sweeps up from just behind her, sending stray strands of Rei’s hair towards the front of her face, and you take the time to part them carefully like curtains until you can see her visage once again.

You wished it was more ideal. More romantic. More perfect. But this is it. This is all you have.

So you don’t waste it.

“Rei, I’ve liked you since we first met. You’re … god, if we weren’t so casually connected to the hip like this, I would have been hitting on you from the start. You don’t understand how obsessed I am with you.”

“Stop—.”

“Do you think I just go along with our little antics because they’re entertaining enough? Do you think I look for you at the end of each day because I have nothing better to do with my time? Do you think I ask you what you’re doing or try to figure out who you’re chatting with on the phone because … because I’m just curious?”

“Oppa …”

“I … You’re my best friend. But I’ve always wished we could be more than that, except I just … I just didn’t want to lose you. I kept playing down how I felt, how I-I-I saw you, how I … how I wanted to confess because I thought being best friends was being better than nothing at all. And I think … I think that was stupid of me. And now, I swear—I really swear—I thought we were on this date for fun. I didn’t want to put any hidden o-or extra meaning into it. I just … I just wanted to spend some time with you. So when you said all of that …”

But she pushes you away. “You’re only saying these now because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”

You want to rip your hair off and boil your scalp out. “No no no—.”

“Oppa, don’t. It makes … it makes things worse—.”

“I fucking love you, Naoi Rei. I-I … the last thing I want to see is you being unhappy. So if you’ll have me … let’s go out. Together. We can redo this whole first date thing. Rewrite it with something better, a-and planned, and more romantic, and—.”

She pushes you again. But this time, it’s to pin you against the glass of the shop.

Rei kisses you.

She kisses you and you can feel the years of friendship trasnforming into something else. Rei makes sure with the way your lips crash into one another, with the way she rolls her tongue against yours, with the way she sucks and whimpers and breathes that this love? This love that you hold for one another? It’s more than just one reserved for best friends now.

This is her declaration of love as yours.

And it tastes oh, so, sweet.

When she’s had your fill, and she’s marked you as undeniably hers, and you both realize that you have an unwelcomed audience, you both walk away from the scene of the crime, faces beet red after that public make out session, elbows bumping awkwardly like you’re two teens who just got walked in on.

“I … yeah,” you say, still tasting her on your lips. You seal your mouth shut to fight back a smile, but to also relish in that sensation. “Yeah that was definitely something.”

“Yeah … Was it, um, was it nice?”

“The what sorry?”

She glares at you. “The kiss. I’ve never really kissed anyone before. I just … did what they did. In the movies.”

God she’s so fucking adorable. You run a hand through your hair to try and play it off while you catch your breath over just remembering how aggressive she was just now. “Normally, the tongue’s reserved for a bit further down the line, but hey—I won’t say no to that.”

While she’s caught in the middle of her reaction, you lean forward and peck Rei on the lips. Smiling, you whisper in her ear. “There, now we’re even.”

She wraps her arms around your neck and hides into the crook of it. “I guess it’s all going to change now, won’t it?”

“Yeah … although maybe some things will stay the same too. But dude, how are we going to tell the others—?”

“Stop.”

“Stop …?”

Rei nods, crinkling her nose and gently headbutting you while still clinging to you. “Don’t call me ‘dude’ or ‘bro’ or ‘man’ anymore. If I … if I’m going to be your girlfriend, you have to call me something else.”

“Babe?”

“Ehh, it feels unoriginal.”

“Sweetheart?”

“Mm, I like that, but it feels too cheesy?”

“Honey? How about honey?”

“Who are you, Winnie the Pooh? I guess that could fit. You’ve got a belly.”

“What the—hey! I work out, ok? It’s not that big … is it?” you ask out of concern, tapping your stomach. “Well, two can play at that game.”

You pinch the soft fold of her side in retaliation. “See, you’ve got a tubby too.”

“Did you just?”

“No. No I did not—.”

She laughs out loud and swats your arm repeatedly. “You just said TUBBY. That’s a good one. It’s kinda cute, but I’m still holding that against you.”

You roll your eyes, holding her by the waist, swaying her from side to side. You’re only letting it slide because you love this woman.

Rei kisses your neck and nuzzles against you. “My tubby.”

You shake your head and lean into her, nuzzling Rei in reply. “My tubby.”

What happens next passes you by like a montage ripped right from the movies.

You’re walking around the souvenir shop, playing hide and seek like a bunch of dorks through the aisles and shelves. Rei’s pondering between shirt designs, and you’re too busy being unable to keep your hands off her, embracing her from behind as if you were her coat. You pick out a pair of mugs for you both, and she picks out a pair of cute themed head wraps to match. And you both bicker over which stuffed toy looks the cutest since you could only take one home with you—if only park prices weren’t so fucking inflated.

Fixing the tufts of her hair that spilled out from her fluffy wrap, Rei styles herself a final time before taking a selfie.

You take this opportunity to take out your phone—which she returned to you after the kissing incident—and take a quick snap of her.

The light’s way too bright. And she’s not even looking at your direction. And there are people in the background. But your fingers immediately motion to the settings menu, and soon, you’ve got a new lock screen for your phone.

It’s her. The first picture you’ve ever taken of Rei as your girlfriend.

And then the announcements are playing, signaling the fast-approaching closing time. And you turn to Rei and giggle when you both realize how long you’ve spent in that damn souvenir shop alone. Her hands are too busy holding her massive guinea pig stuffed toy, so you settle your hand against the small of her back instead.

Patting the head of her new friend, she kisses the top of its fur and smiles. “Now oppa has a friend at home.”

“Wait, you named that damn bear after me?”

She nods in little waves. “Yeah … At first I used it as a punching bag whenever I got stressed, but …”

You pretend to get hit by a flurry of her punches and end with a sob of pain. “Cruel. That’s twisted, tubby. He could have died, you know?”

She pouts, but that’s soon replaced by the smile that creeps up her face when she heard you say that—when she heard you call her that. “Ehh, we weren’t dating yet, tubby. That doesn’t count.”

“I hope you don’t do the same to this little guy though. He’s so cute and squishy, just like you, tubs.”

Rei whines when you touch her stuffed toy too much, which gets her a few sideways glances from the staff upon your exit, but neither of you care about it. “It’s not a guy! She’s a girl!”

“Oh? Does she have a name too?”

“Hmm, maybe … I think I want to call her ‘Nao’.”

“Nao? Like … the first half of your surname?”

She punches you, and for a moment, Nao gets squished between you both, which makes Rei scream and pet her head gently in reassurance. “Look what you made me do to our child!”

You bite your lip and try to contain yourself from exploding on the spot because, god … fucking … damn it … your girlfriend is just that cute. “Nao … Nao … I like that name,” you mutter. Bending towards your new daughter, you peck her on the head as well and smile down at her. “Mama and dada love you so much already, Nao. So grow up to be a happy and healthy girl, ok?”

“Ok dada!” Rei mimics in her best impression of a child. You had your guard lowered and you didn’t expect that from her, so you end up bursting into laughter. Rei swats you a few times in the back of your head before calming down by the time you both make it to the bus stop.

“Thanks. Thanks again for today, oppa,” Rei expresses, bowing down to her waist. “This is me. I’ll … I’ll see you around campus?”

You shake your head. “This isn’t the end, tubs. Just the beginning—.”

Rei swiftly jumps and kisses you on the lips before running towards the bus doors. “Save it for next time, tubby! I’ll have to go now. I … I love you!”

But you don’t stop there.

As the doors close behind her, you follow her from the outside as she tries to find a seat, Nao the guinea pig still swaddled in her hands. When she sees you, Rei pouts at you playfully and points to the back of the bus. 

When the bus departs from the stop and slowly begins to pick up in speed, you sling your fanny pack around you, head wrap still on your head, as you chase after her ride from behind, and you watch as she makes a face at you while watching you reach out for her.

I love you, you mouth with your lips. I love you so much.

She smiles and blows you a kiss—a final gesture before her bus disappears down the stretch of road and gets swallowed  behind the incoming traffic from the intersection.

As you take a final look at Rei’s smiling face, you realize your heart has never felt this full. Now that she’s gone, the weight of it all—it finally sinks into you in one fell swoop.

Staring at the picture of her you have on your phone’s screen, you take a deep breath and sigh. You’ll never forget this day.

For this was day you lost your best friend, Naoi Rei.