Easy

This is supposed to be easy.

As you sit there, telling me about this new game you bought, looking so cute and innocent, oblivious to the ideas that are going through my head, I can’t help but feel guilty. I can’t help but feel like a monster.

“Babe! Are you listening?”

“What?” your question shakes me out of my thoughts. “Oh yeah, Kkura. Sorry.”

Why does it feel like a chore? Even now, just listening to you feels like I have to put in more effort than I should. More effort than I want to. And it’s not just right now. It’s everything.

Picking you up for our dates.

Meeting up randomly when you want to.

Whenever you want us to do something, I have to consciously and actively make that decision. It doesn’t come naturally. Unlike when I’m with—

“Chaewon! How was the calc finals?” when you call her name, it feels like i’ve been shocked awake.

“I think I bombed it. Scooch over, will you? I need to wallow in my disappointment.” I barely even get to move yet she’s already sitting beside me. Our bodies are only microns apart as she rests her head on my shoulder. You barely even notice.

“The last time you said you bombed an exam, you got the top grade in the class.”

“Well this time is different!”

As the two of you start to bicker, like you always do, I can’t help but start to compare the two of you. Not that the two of you are extremely different. You’re both nice, kind, beautiful and so much more. So I can’t fucking understand why I feel so differently around you two.

When I’m with you, I can’t help but look at my watch to see if the night is almost done.

When I’m with Chaewon, I can’t help but look forward to the next time I see her again.

When I get the morning texts from you, I spend the next few minutes anxiously typing a reply that you would like.

When I’m chatting with Chaewon, our conversation flows so easily that hours would feel like minutes.

When I’m with you, a storm of questions and uncertainties always rolls in.

When I’m with Chaewon, sunshine and clear skies suddenly give me life.

I shouldn’t be comparing the two of you. This isn’t a competition.

This shouldn’t be a competition.

I know true love isn’t supposed to be easy. That everyday you do have to choose the person you love. But why does it feel like I have to force myself to choose you, but when it comes to Chaewon I could do it in a heartbeat.

And it isn’t your fault Kkura. I did like you at the start. I still do. That day in front of the library when you first asked me out on a date, I never said yes faster in my life. When we officially became a couple, I really was happy. When my friends asked me why I liked you, I couldn’t pinpoint a singular reason. I’d say there were too many to list. There was some truth to that.

Some.

I did like you.

I still do.

I just always thought that this like would eventually grow into love. Real love. Not puppy love.

Could it have been because we’re each other’s firsts?

First date.

First lover.

First kiss.

First time.

Maybe it's the sentiment that keeps me clinging to our relationship.

Maybe it’s the delusional hope that my love for you will truly grow in a few years time. 

But I won’t be doing you any favors by prolonging this.

That would be selfish of me.

You deserve someone who does love you. Not just someone who likes you. 

Someone who would find it easy to choose you every single day. Someone who doesn’t even have to think about it. 

I don’t want to hurt you more than I have to. I shouldn’t.

“Oh wow it’s almost twelve.” you suddenly say, standing up and gathering your things, “I have my bio finals until three. I’ll see you after. Okay, babe?”

All I could do was nod as you gave me a quick peck. You still pay no attention to Chaewon moping around and resting her head on my shoulder.

Her weight on me feels different.

Comforting.

I really don’t want to hurt you, Sakura.

But I’m sorry. 

This was supposed to be easy.