to love somebody (or to keep you close)

To quote Days with Somi: Expression by @valentinedrifter and twist it to your situation:

Hong Eunchae loves having sex.

Specifically, having sex with you.

Although there's this little remark that you should be concerned about.

Hong Eunchae doesn't love.

Specifically, she doesn't love you.

—

The door clicks shut for the last time of the day, and you're alone in the studio again.

Your mind is (metaphorically) scattered — contempt, turmoil, wistful. You're obviously not sorrowful. You can't allow yourself to be like that. Your hands hover over the sliders and buttons and panels of the mixing console competently as ever, even if your brain is a mess, even if your cock still feels the warmth of her cunt pulsing around it, even if you're about to cry for the first time in years.

Okay, shit, you have to cry.

The room still reminds you of Eunchae, unfortunately. The microphone she used as an excuse to lure you in is still there. The floor of the recording area has these droplets of her juice. The wall reeks of her perfume and squirt — so wicked.

Eunchae says all these things: I hate labels, don't kiss me on my lips. The signpost is fucking massive — red flag, precautions, warnings. Yunjin explicitly stated the emotional disaster Eunchae can be — can stir inside you — yet you let your heart slip into this ugly, catastrophic state for hers. There's this possibility that you're in love just with the idea of her — her being this perfect girlfriend without any flaws in her soul, smiling happily because of you. It's such a perfect cadence in your head.

In real life, however, it's still a misery. The best you can get is her body — fucking her through and through, making her moan on your cock, filling her to the brim with your essence — but not her fucking heart.

And now, in the studio, you just sit there, suppressing yourself from the inevitable surge of melancholy raging inside you.

The first drop of tears falls from your eyes, eventually.

—

turnstyle, 0:03: you up?

The whirring of the heater fills the room with warmth, casting a spell of comfort all over. You lie under your blanket idly, your phone in your hand. The screen shines into your eyes in the dark night, just hours after your second tryst with Eunchae. That's the third sentence in a row with a clause followed by a phrase, should vary the structure. Your mind keeps replaying this image of debauchery in the recording studio — words, moans, sensations. Unbelievably vivid, you'd call it.

Three dots bouncing from the other side, then:

jensuisjen, 0:05: kinda

jensuisjen, 0:05: what is up

jensuisjen, 0:06: aside from me lol

You recount the debased events from earlier: her voice, her hands, her lips. You hesitate a bit as your thumbs type down the order of happenings to Yunjin, unsure if you should open yourself to her fully. Still, you have no one else to reach out to. Your parents aren't the emotional type. Your friends are living too far away. And Eunchae is, well, the offender of this typhoon, so it's just Yunjin for now.

The trio of dots will linger quite a long time on Yunjin's side.

jensuisjen, 0:09: wow long message

jensuisjen, 0:09: please keep writing though i wanna read

It's mostly about the incident first, in your first block of message — the microphone, the walls, the belt. Then, there comes the second message to Yunjin, a much, much shorter — succinct, even — telling of your state of the heart. There's the uncertainty of your love for (the idea of) Hong Eunchae. It surely feels nothing short of peculiar to open up to someone who has been lauded as a public, picture-perfect figure like this, but you need to talk to one if you're to fall in love with another.

jensuisjen, 0:14: wow

Then, there's quite a lengthy pause from Yunjin. You're a bit concerned, really, but you have to give her time to process. She's perhaps completely shocked by the whole ordeal of your rendezvous in the studio, then your emotions, then your affection. She's seeing you in a new light, regardless of being bad or good.

jensuisjen, 0:17: that was something

jensuisjen, 0:17: [Grimacing Face]

jensuisjen, 0:18: ok wait i can't get the image out of my head

jensuisjen, 0:18: like i was in there one sec and you fuck her the next second lol

jensuisjen, 0:19: you guys are fucking freaks lmoa

You guys — you should correct her over that. Eunchae doesn't want to be whole with you, at least romantically. You let it slide, though.

turnstyle, 0:20: i have to tell her i think

turnstyle, 0:21: like

Then there's a stop — one that's a little too long for Yunjin's liking, perchance. You just don't know what to say!

jensuisjen, 0:22: like

What do you tell Eunchae, though? You don't want to be just friends-with-benefits, and you want more than that?

Let's reiterate over your heart a bit.

In all honesty, you're missing a fuckton of details for Eunchae. You don't know her birthday — just the 2006 part. You can't remember her perfume. You're unaware of her preferences in things. One thing you're certain of, however, is that you want her close to you. You want her to pull the trigger on the gun that you gave her when you met. Okay, perhaps two things: you wanna wake up next to her every day and see her smile first thing in the morning. Alright, three: you want emotional closeness, despite your narcissistic tendencies, despite all of your flaws. And to conclude with about two chapters of the story with you and Hong Eunchae — the kiss, the finger, the sex, after everything:

You can't figure out what the hell you want out of and for her.

There's neither unity nor resonance to it.

turnstyle, 0:25: ykw

turnstyle, 0:26: i don't think i know my feelings for her either

turnstyle, 0:26: idea or person idk

jensuisjen, 0:26: hmm

jensuisjen, 0:27: dw

jensuisjen, 0:27: you should talk to her still