ESCHATON

I knew that a girl who wants a girl is a dead idol

Diary entry of Gawon:

Yes. I would look out the practice room window and count the girls reflected in the glass that once had fives faces and now seemed to have too few. Is that all? No.

There were other attempts, comebacks: stages bright, carried away. I didn't know what to do with my hands. I like the feel of my microphone. More than the contract? Yes, and I liked the waiting in the wings, watching the seats fill with people. I liked the eyeliner and hairspray of it, and soft floors in any light. I wanted to be wanted and visible.

That sounds overly desperate - like an idol. And my hands? My hands keep reaching for a girl whose body was warm and is now on the other side of a screen. Her being Anna. Yes. Do I love her? I dont have to answer that. This is where I trot out my sadness. Black coat, black eyeliner, mussed hair. I miss the point: the face in the camera is a little traitor. I want in, I want out, I want the five back. I miss my group.

I stand in front of the mirror with a tape recorder, hoping to catch something. I want to move forward but I can't. Everyone in this group got here somehow and everyone in this group had to leave. So what's left? Sing a song about the room we were in? Hammer in the pegs that affix us to the stage? The voice wnats to be a hand and the hand wants to hold something living. What did I really want? Someone to be seen by. I wanted more. I want what everyone wants.

I raise the lightboard and shine it on the empty practice room. Was there no one else anymore?

Left-handed love, right-handed career, there's no pure way to keep both. The company calls and it makes a noise. Anna makes a noise, cinched into my arms. The company tells us to leave and never come back - but Anna is cinched to me - give us a minute, please, give us a minute. We cry on the bathroom floor and it makes a noise. Was there no one else? My hands keep reaching for Anna, and Anna is always on the other side of everything. The hands must land. The hands must land.

I had a dream about Anna. We were in the gold room where everyone had schedules and stylists. Anna was eating kimbap and not making a sound. There's nowhere to go, I thought. Anna said Do you think they'll let us come back? And I said No, and I meant it, and Anna kept eating.

It's all complicated. My dreams, these are dreams I shouldn't be having, I shouldn't have to clean them up like this. A man who's going grey with warm palms and a dead wife is making me...

ego

I had dreams in a row where Anna called, about to call or on the line already - here I am in a wrong room, dear Anna, feeding the wrong life, dear ANNA, attached to your neck and your gossamer lips. I wake up and I remember what she said: have a nice life, have a nice life, forget about me. The tape is already peeling off my walls - when will you come back?

id

I have to get off this train. I wanted to get off right here but I knew the doors wouldn't open because the group is dead. I swallowed alcohol - the group is dead. Anna is a fever I am learning to live with - everything is happening at the wrong end of a very long tunnel.

egoid

I woke up in the morning and I didn't want anything, didn't do anything, couldn't do it anyway, just lay there listening to the hums of the city. I can't write, can't settle, or paint walls and I wake up and the group's still gone. Whatever. Burn the practice room down.

idego

I don't really blame them for disbanding but they can't have my voice back. So, I said, now that we have our dead careers, what are we going to do with them? There's a barstool and there's a train seat, depends on which you sit in, depends on which damn seat you live with.

iidddd eooog

I have coats all over my body, it's November, it's cold, I feel so damn cold. And there's a man at the bar, a landscape full of him. You can sit now, he said. You can sit now. He said that. I had a dream where he said that. I realized I had been standing the whole time.

What did I really want?

That. Him. The whole stupid thing.

TEASER!!!! Heavily inspired by Richard Siken's Crush - it'll all make sense very soon!!