Goodbye For Now

It felt like Tzuyu blinked her eyes once and from the comfort of her temporary bedroom, then suddenly she was inside Sana’s car, being driven to the airport under a gentle snowfall.

Mina and Chaeyoung were at the back, discussing the plans for Jeongyeon and Jihyo’s wedding rehearsal. It was sweet of them to include Mina in the wedding. Even if they haven’t met her personally, just over a few video calls, they know it would mean a lot to Chaeyoung if she was there.

Though, there was still that little itching feeling that was lurking at the back of her chest when Jeongyeon asked her if she wanted Sana to be her plus one.

It was definitely a great idea. She wanted Sana to be there. A part of her wanted to make it up for the last time they were in one and they weren’t able to talk.

But that was the part that made her hesitant. She was worried history will repeat itself. Not that she thought that Sana would do exactly what Se-Ri did, she just had a lot of doubt towards herself about this. What if she was the fuck up?

At least Jeongyeon and Jihyo were kind enough to leave an extra invitation just for her in case she changed her mind. She just didn’t know how to ask Sana.

Especially when they spent the past few days tiptoeing around each other. Sana still invited her out for dinner, but she made an effort to invite Mina or Chaeyoung or both of them to join. Each time was as awkward as the first one and it was so obvious that they were trying their best not to be alone with each other.

Tzuyu was trying to convince herself that it was a good idea. Because if they were alone, she wasn’t sure if she could control herself. It could be because the inevitable feeling of saying goodbye made her even more clingy. But she knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.

Sometimes she wished she could reprogram her heart and let her erase everything that had anything to do with Se-Ri.

Tzuyu knew deep down inside that she really, really wanted to have something with Sana. It was probably aching her very core on how much Sana was making her feel. But the rational part of her brain was telling her it wasn’t the time yet.

She knew that if she saw Se-Ri in person, she would be confident enough to tell her she was not in love with her anymore. But she knew very well that the memories of the things she had done was going to stir a whole pot of fucked up emotions and she wouldn’t want to spiral while she was forming a new relationship with someone who didn’t deserve that.

It was going to take a lot of time before she could really say that she was ready. But damn, she wished she could just grab Sana’s hand, kiss it through this entire car ride to the airport and just tell her that she wanted to be hers.

The conversation with the other three was all muffled in her brain at that moment. She didn’t want to leave Japan. She didn’t want to leave Sana and it was making her feel even more feelings that she couldn’t understand.

Her thoughts were shaken off when she felt a hand on hers. She looked up and saw Sana holding it, the two shared a quick look and Sana had to look away to focus on the road.

Tzuyu felt even more conflicted. She wasn’t sure if it was confusion because she spent many nights thinking about this and assessing her feelings. But she did know a couple of things.

One, getting over Se-Ri was easier because of her time away from her apartment. Once she came back, Tzuyu was planning to do a complete makeover and probably spend the weekend throwing out and arranging things. She needed to take out any remnants of Se-Ri as soon as possible. She believed she made a lot of progress.

Two, she wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. There was something inside of her that was hesitant because she knew there were things that Se-Ri had done that messed up her brain. The gaslighting was something she didn’t even notice until Nayeon and Dahyun’s wedding. She was worried that the responses from these things would pour over to maybe her new relationship. So she definitely needed time to heal from that. She had to do something for herself for once.

Lastly, having Sana around has made a lot of things easier. She often asked herself that if she ever had something so good for her but at the same time it wasn’t? Sana was the answer to everything. But Tzuyu also knew she couldn't have her. Not yet. Not while she was still healing. It sucked. Tzuyu wanted to give in and just have what she wanted. But she didn’t want to just jump in without thinking of the other person.

Sure, Sana had given her side of all of this. But Tzuyu wasn’t the type to just take it for granted. She wasn't an asshole, she didn't play with anyone's feelings like that. She wanted to do this right.

But the feeling of the soft hands owned by the kindest, most loving person she had ever met made everything all jumbled up inside her brain and in her heart.

So all she could do for now, was to hold that hand back.

They finally arrived at the drop off area. Sana parked the car and all of them hopped off, Tzuyu beelining to the trunk to get her suitcase.

A beat.

She grabbed her suitcase and lugged it carefully to the side. The first person who hugged her was Mina.

“I hope you can come visit us again. Yukiko already misses you,” Mina said making sure to let their hug linger longer.

Tzuyu hugged her back, ignoring Chaeyoung’s discomforted look. “Thank you so much for everything, unnie," she breathed out. "When you come to Seoul, I’ll cook you lots of meals and wash your clothes or something.”

Mina giggled and pulled away. giving way for Chaeyoung this time.

Another beat.

“You sure took your time with that hug,” Chaeyoung teased and pulled her in. “I’ll see you in February?”

Tzuyu ducked her head and hugged Chaeyoung tight. She didn’t want to say goodbye to her friend yet. She wasn’t sure if she felt safe on her own. Chaeyoung made her feel safe the whole time after the break up and it was going to be weird not having her around again.

Tzuyu nodded. “Yeah, February.”

Chaeyoung was obviously trying not to cry but she kept her smile and pulled away. “Call me when you’re with Jeong, okay?”

Tzuyu nodded.

Her heart was beating even louder.

Mina and Chaeyoung went back into the car and all that was left was Sana.

It was like the sad part in a romantic movie. Where everyone around her would start to slow down or maybe even freeze, then the only thing that was clear and fast paced was the person in front of her.

Sana was there. She was beautiful. Her soul was beautiful. Sana with the snow falling in the background was beautiful. Everything about her was perfect and Tzuyu wanted to be deserving of that.

She took a step forward, instead of going in for a hug, she lifted her hand and cupped Sana’s cheek. Subconsciously using her thumb to wipe away the tear that fell from her eyes.

“Can I call you when I get to my apartment?” Tzuyu tried again. These past few days, Sana had been calling her less and it had been prickling her heart because of it. But she did make a promise and she didn’t want to break it.

Sana closed her eyes and nodded. “Yes, please.”

Seeing her cry was hard. It felt like her heart was beating out of her chest and she wanted to just combust. What was this woman doing to her?

Tzuyu leaned her head closer, making their foreheads touch a bit and Sana didn’t pull away. “I really want to kiss you,” she whispered.

Sana immediately placed her hand over her lips, and they were looking at each other. “On the right time. I’ll be waiting.”

With a deep breath, she finally hugged her. Sana clung onto her body, hugging her so tightly like they both wanted to meld their bodies together. She felt perfect in her arms, and she wished she knew this sooner and not on the last day.

But the sound of the bell ringing through the PA systems of the airport made her heart drop. She desperately wanted to stay.

Tzuyu pulled away for a bit, looking at Sana’s crying face and all she could do was smile. Then she leaned forward again and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“Goodbye for now?”

Sana wiped her tears away with her wrists and nodded. “Goodbye for now.”

She sighed. She hated this part.

So she grabbed her suitcase, waved everyone goodbye one last time and entered the airport. Lining up by the counters to get her boarding pass and then give her suitcase for them to keep it in the plane with the others.