Track 3 - Radio (Yujin x Gaeul)

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“When was the last time you had a good day?”

An Yujin remained slumped in her seat, hands on her spread legs, eyeing the university counselor across her. She didn’t know how to respond.

When was the last time she had a good day? When was the last time she ever felt ‘good’ at all?

Closing her eyes, she thought back to a few months ago. A time when Yujin still rode her motorcycle early in the morning to pick her up. A time when Yujin still stayed up late at night to listen to her talking about the difference between monetary and fiscal policies. A time when Yujin still felt a tightness in her chest just by being close to someone like her.

Yujin thought back to a time when she was still dating Jang Wonyoung. A time when everything still made sense. That was the last time she had a good day.

That was the last time An Yujin ever felt happy.

She flinched. The memories started coming back.

“Yujin-ah! Get off me—we’re going to be late. Ya! Haha stop kissing me all over!”

“Are you sure you want me to go on that trip? A lot of boys are coming along. You know how they can get. I won’t go if you don’t want me to, you know …”

“Did you seriously get into another fight? Over what—over me? God, Yujin … what will I do about you. What will I do without you …?”

My Yujin.

Mine.

Yujin.

“Yujin?”

She shook herself awake, blinded momentarily by the bright light of the counselor’s office. Returning her attention to the middle-aged woman before her, Yujin cleared her throat and replied, “I … I don’t know.”

Sighing, the woman inched forward on her desk. “Yujin, I’m not forcing you to think positively, ok? I know it can get hard. But I’m asking you this because cherishing the little things can help you through your bad days. It can give you more … reasons to keep going.”

Yujin wanted to believe her. She desperately did. Anything was better than what she was going through now: a hundred and fifty milligrams of Zoloft per day, weekly check-ins with the year level representative, reflection papers issued like goddamn paperwork, on top of her own requirements for the semester.

The university was doing all this because of her little attempt last month. They claimed they wanted to help ‘keep her alive’. But to Yujin, this wasn’t any means of living at all.

It was just trying not to die.

Reclining back in her seat, the counselor pushed a few papers towards Yujin. Yujin didn’t even think to glance at them before the counselor continued. “Our session’s about to be over. While I still haven’t gotten much out of you, this much was to be … expected. Given what you’ve been through and all.”

She tapped on the first sheet and smiled. “Homework.”

Yujin shrugged. “I already have an entire folder waiting for me back at the dorms. Is this really necessary?”

“I want you to rate your days,” the counselor explained. “Rate them. One to five. One to ten. One to a hundred if you even want. Monitor your mood. Rate how your day goes. Was it a good day? Was it a bad one? How did it feel? Where is it on a scale?”

“Let me guess—next you want me to run statistics on myself?” Yujin scoffed, shaking her head. She was already doing so much just to keep operating at the bare minimum. She barely had the time to add another stupid task on her daily to-do list. “Can’t I pass on this?”

“I’m serious. I want you to give this a try,” the counselor pressed, her face very stern now. “It’s hard to even look forward to tomorrow, or to tonight, or to the next hour. It gets harder when you can’t see the bigger picture. This will—this might … help you regain a sense of control in your life.”

With a final nod, she clasped her hands together. “Track your mood. Rate your days. See how the numbers make you feel when you look back on them. I expect to hear back from you again by the end of the semester.”

Rolling her eyes, Yujin begrudgingly hoisted herself out of her seat and turned towards the door.

“Your homework, Yujin,” the counselor reminded before she could leave.

Groaning, Yujin darted back and swiped the sheets off her desk before stomping out of the university counselor’s office.

27.9

Yujin woke up already feeling exhausted. One hand in her face, other hand scrambling for her phone, she rolled out of bed and onto the floor with a pathetic little whine.

It was already eleven-twenty-seven. Class starts in half an hour.

Popping the pill between her lips, she hard swallowed as she sat in front of her laptop. The imposing white screen and blinking vertical line kept staring at her. Taunting her. Mocking her.

It always did.

Hunched over her keyboard, she forced herself to type a few words out, get an idea written down or something—anything at this point. But who was she kidding? The thoughts couldn’t flow. Her fingers were too busy digging into themselves. Her mind wandered.

“Hahaha! I’ve never seen you in a dress, Jinjin. You look adorable. Maybe I should style you more often.”

Yujin slammed her laptop shut and dug into her hair. “Fuck … Fuck fuck FUCK!”

Another dud.

Kicking against the wall, she forced her laptop into her backpack and tossed it onto her shoulder. Yujin checked her phone one last time.

Twelve-twenty-three.

Sighing, she sauntered out the door and ambled to class.

24.3

Yujin woke up against her will. Her bed engulfed her body so comfortably. Her eyes were shut so tight. Her head was just swimming in half-baked fantasies. It was too perfect to resist.

But her damn phone alarm kept ringing like a siren.

Groaning, she hit snooze and forced herself to at least sit up. Yujin stared at the window, curtains of her short hair draped across her eyes.

It was twelve-nineteen.

“Sleepyhead. I never thought I’d … lay next to you like this … in your room. It’s a nice feeling, no? Maybe … we can do this again sometime—.”

Yujin bashed her palm against her forehead until the thought physically shattered. Her wrist flared up. Her temple throbbed. But what hurt the most was her chest.