The First Letter She Didn’t Send

December 10, 1995

They both sat in their assigned seats in silence, watching the rest of the passengers carefully walking to their own seats and busy placing their bags in the overhead storage in the section behind them.

“You’re crazy,” Tzuyu suddenly whispered to her, eyes still looking forward. Seemed that she wanted to break the silence first.

Dahyun got cozy in her seat, holding onto the scarf Nayeon gifted her, seeking comfort from it. “I know,” she replied, smiling widely.

Her friend breathed out, turning to face her this time. “You’re absolutely crazy.”

She nodded, she knew that she was. “I know.”

Tzuyu was probably still baffled at the fact that they managed to upgrade their seats to first class. But at least they were able to relax for the next two hours and a half.

Dahyun looked around her area, enjoying the large seat and the fact that they got refreshments while they were boarding. She wasn’t used to this, but she sure enjoyed the special treatment.

“And she didn’t let you pay,” Tzuyu muttered again, finally taking her free drink and swirling it around. “I haven’t had wine at ten in the morning before.”

Dahyun leaned her head on the soft cushion of her seat. “I actually knew her.”

Tzuyu raised a brow, licking her lips after she took a sip from her glass. “Seriously?”

A flight attendant suddenly approached them and took away their wine glasses. “I shared a seat with her on the bus. She started crying and I consoled her,” she said, smiling sadly to herself. “Her husband just got diagnosed with cancer and didn’t know what to do. So I lent her my time and allowed her to let it all out.”

“Did you know that she was working there?” Tzuyu asked.

She shook her head. “No, I was just as shocked as you were.”

That made Tzuyu scoff, shaking her head right after. “You’re crazy and lucky,” she said, then finally relaxed on her seat. The two stayed quiet for a moment, watching the flight attendants walk along the aisle, assisting the rest of the passengers and coming back in front to look at the clipboards.

Dahyun couldn't help but wonder how many people were flying to Seoul on the same flight. She wondered if they were just like her, working away from home that were feeling incredibly homesick and wanted to take the soonest flight back home to spend the holidays with their loved ones.

She honestly couldn't wait to hug her mom, sit outside the patio with her dad as they watched the birds that always perched on the tree that they planted in their backyard. Then watch the news with her brother on the television like what they used to do when they were kids. She couldn't wait to see Chaeyoung and Mina, see the new house and have meals with them as if they were back in high school all over again. Then she would spend time with Jeongyeon and Jihyo, talk about their plans for the future, and listen to whatever advice they had to give because she knew she needed it.

Then there was Nayeon.

Gosh. She had no idea where to begin with that.

Dahyun felt like her heart was going to explode when she read Nayeon's last letter. It felt like it was too good to be true. Then again, Dahyun felt like an idiot because it was honestly obvious in her letters that she did show interest. She really needed to understand when people were flirting or confessing their feelings to her because she had no idea.

But she didn't really need to worry about others because the only thing that mattered to her happened. It was real and it was still scary to accept it so easily.

Nayeon was in love with her.

Of course she didn't expect it to happen at all. Because when Dahyun sent Nayeon that letter the first time, she had zero expectations and no ill intentions. There was just that feeling inside her that wanted to comfort someone. She didn't pity Nayeon, nor did she feel forced to do it; she just wanted to do something nice for a stranger, pay it forward, as what her mother always said. But she was never taught how to do it properly, or like a normal human being.

For her, if it was possible and it didn't hurt anybody then she was going to do it.

And was she glad she did.

She had discovered an entirely new world because of Nayeon. There were things that she had never felt, and she did so easily because of the woman. It wasn't like she had it in her plans to fall in love with her pen pal. But she was glad that it happened.

Everything seemed to make sense ever since she acknowledged her feelings. The weird thumping of her heart, the way she couldn’t stop thinking about Nayeon, the way that every little thing around her reminded her of Nayeon.

Nayeon this, Nayeon that.

When Nayeon wrote to her that she wanted a hug.

It was the only thing that was in her head.

What would it feel like? Would Dahyun’s heartbeat be too loud if they were that close? Was Nayeon going to be bothered by that? What were they going to do after they met? Or after they hug?

She gulped.

Were they going to kiss?

Dahyun had never been kissed. Not by anyone, not even by the boy from her kindergarten class that did it for fun.

So if she kissed Nayeon, then that would be her first kiss ever.

Would Nayeon be bothered by that? Because she knew that the older woman was experienced with it, and what if her inexperience was a turn off? Would Nayeon change her mind? Dahyun needed to brush as much as she could if that was the case. Floss more, use mouthwash.

But what if she was getting ahead of herself? What if they wouldn't kiss at all?

What if Nayeon didn't want to kiss her?

That would be ridiculous because Nayeon was in love with her, they would have to kiss. Right?

Dahyun was an expert at brushing her teeth, so Nayeon would have to be enticed to kiss her—

“But how do you feel? In a couple of hours we’ll be home,” Tzuyu suddenly asked, bringing her back to reality. The plane started moving, and that made Dahyun realize that she didn't even pay attention to the preflight briefings.

She took a breath, feeling her face warm up from the thoughts of kissing Nayeon. “I’m excited,” she muttered.

Tzuyu smirked at her and that made her gulp. “Nervous?”

Dahyun nodded sheepishly, playing with her scarf. Her mind was starting to race. “Yeah. I mean I haven’t seen everyone in so long and we gotta see Chaeng’s new house and Mina got a new dog. Jeongyeon and Jihyo are opening a new bakery in Incheon and—“

“What about Nayeon?” Tzuyu interrupted her.

She whipped her head to look at Tzuyu with wide eyes. The question came out unexpectedly.

“I—“ The words were caught in her throat, and she felt her cheeks burn again. The thoughts of seeing Nayeon and the other physical things she was fantasizing were back again, and she wanted to get her mind out of the gutter before she was going to say something stupid. “I haven’t figured that out yet,” she stated. Then she gave a more confident nod. “But once I have free time, I’m going to see her.”

“Family first?”

“Of course!” Dahyun responded happily, but not too loud to disturb the other passengers. She was just so excited to go home and see everyone again. The idea of seeing Nayeon did the same but she was more… nervous than anything. “I’ll definitely see her after.”

Tzuyu kept looking at her, as if she was trying to read her expression. “Are you more worried about that?” she asked.