The Shadow You Created

Today was definitely going to be different. Wonyoung told herself as she entered the bookshop that day. 

The bell above her chimed, the door slipping from her fingers, closing with a soft click. 

Gaeul was standing in front of the coffee machine again, not daring to look up, nor acknowledge that she just stepped in. Wonyoung thought that she might be busy. So, slowly and carefully, she approached the counter. 

"Coffee, black?" Gaeul suddenly asked, still not turning to her. 

Wonyoung’s body went still, brows shooting upwards. She blinked. "Yeah..." she answered nervously, rubbing the back of her neck. Gaeul moved with precision, grabbed the cup and prepped the coffee machine. Wonyoung sighed then she stepped a little closer. She wanted to take a risk today. "You're not going to ask me anymore, are you?"

Gaeul glanced up at her briefly. "You order the same thing all the time. Do I really need to?"

It sounded snarky, and usually comments like this made Wonyoung want to bark back. But there was no such feeling that came to her because she was in front of Gaeul. She didn’t feel it out loud. 

If anything, it amused her, a small smile tugged on her lips. She shook her head. "No, perhaps not."

Silence hit them like always, even if Wonyoung wished there was a way to fill it. But the whirring of the coffee machine made things easier for her. It made her think, try to find things to ask, or to say to her. Something that could make Gaeul believe that she was—

"No book today?" Gaeul suddenly asked her. 

Wonyoung didn’t even try to mask her surprise. That made her stammer. "I-I finished it," she said, clearing her throat. She didn’t realize how this was making her feel. She usually was so composed. "It was good. I liked it."

Gaeul looked at her for a moment, expression not changing, nodding her head. "That's good," she muttered, turning towards the coffee machine again and finishing up the coffee.

That surprised her. 

Genuinely surprised her. 

Because that probably was the first time Gaeul asked her something without Wonyoung coaxing her.

Was Gaeul curious about her? Was she noticing these things? Perhaps she needed to look for another book again. Maybe it was safe to ask Gaeul what she recommended. 

It was such a shame that Wonyoung wasn’t able to ask her for that when they were still hanging out. The memories left a bitter taste in her mouth, but her determination made her ignore it. 

This was her chance. She could do something now. 

Gaeul placed her coffee on the counter, not pulling away immediately, their fingers almost brushing again. Wonyoung was seeing everything as a sign. 

Time to bite the bullet.

"Can I ask something?" she asked, voice gentle, even if she was thrumming with a new found energy.

But then Gaeul looked at her. 

Their eyes meet. 

Wonyoung felt her breath hitch for the very first time.

Brown eyes. 

The moles on her face.

A memory of how Gaeul used to look at her like this before played quickly in her mind. 

Gaeul grew up so well. 

Wonyoung only remembered her softer features, the glisten in her eyes when she talked about books, how her face was so small and yet so adorable. 

Now, Gaeul had finer features, a beautiful face, her eyes—still bright, still pretty. Perhaps more beautiful than she remembered. 

Suddenly—her mind went blank. 

Her chest suddenly started feeling ticklish. 

Gaeul simply stared at her, waiting for her question. Then she raised a brow, and Wonyoung shook her head subtly. 

What was her question again?

Shit. 

"What's it like?" she blurted out. When she realized that was the wrong question, she decided to stick with it. She moved her hand around, vaguely pointing to the entirety of the space. "You know... owning the bookshop."

Gaeul blinked. But she answered quickly. "I like it."

That almost made Wonyoung smile. Of course she liked it. "Because you get to be surrounded by books?"

She nodded. "That, yeah. But also because..." her voice trailed, looking away for a moment and muttering. "It's mine."

Wonyoung remembered that. Something that Gaeul said many years ago. That she wanted something she could claim as hers. Something she could be proud of. That was where their goals aligned. It was one of those things they wanted. 

She had her company, and Gaeul had her bookshop. 

Quite frankly, that meant more to Wonyoung than anything. 

Wonyoung smiled, it was warm and sure. "That makes sense. I'm glad," she said softly, looking at Gaeul, gauging her reaction.

Gaeul didn’t respond, but there was something in her expression that softened. Barely. But that was enough for Wonyoung. 

More than enough. 

The bell chimed suddenly. The door swung open, and it was Yujin. 

The feeling in Wonyoung’s chest suddenly dropped. 

Yujin's face lit up, but in a way that looked overly exaggerated, then approached the counter. "Gaeul! You're here!" she said, fake exasperation. "For a moment there, I thought you forgot about me!"

And just like that, Gaeul’s brow twitched, giving Yujin an annoyed look. "We literally saw each other yesterday."

"And that's a long ass time,” Yujin whined, leaning on the counter, comfortable as ever. Then Yujin turned, finally noticing Wonyoung there. She beamed. "Ah! Jang Wonyoung. Glad to see you here again."

Wonyoung smiled politely, the same one she always wore whenever she was meeting clients. Practiced but didn’t quite reach her. "Good morning, Yujin,” she greeted. 

Yujin suddenly gasped, startling Wonyoung. The woman’s eyes were wide, both hands slapping her cheeks. "You remember my name!" she exclaimed, clearly excited by that fact.

Gaeul threw her hand on her forehead, sighing. "Yujin, please."

They exchanged looks, and Yujin gestured wildly, like that was going to help her explain things. "What! A CEO remembering my name?” she said, pointing at Wonyoung. But Gaeul didn’t respond, shaking her head instead. Yujin shrugged at her and smiled wildly at Wonyoung. “That means I'm memorable enough to someone important."

Gaeul’s hands slammed on the table. "That's not..." she stopped herself, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Yujin just shut up, please."

Yujin raspberried, shrugging her off again. "You just can't accept the fact that Wonyoung here likes me more than you do." She then turned to Wonyoung, raising her brow. "I know I can be very memorable."

Wonyoung knew very well that Yujin meant it in a friendly way, but with how Yujin was doing it, something changed and she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable about it. 

God, she really hoped Yujin didn’t think it was because she was interested. Clearly she wasn’t.

"You're definitely the loudest,” Gaeul answered back again. 

"Same thing," Yujin replied just as easily. 

Wonyoung laughed. But it wasn't because it was funny. She wasn't sure what it was anymore. 

Then Gaeul looked at Yujin. “Your usual?” she asked. 

Yujin gave her a look, like she said something dumb. “Obviously.”

Gaeul rolled her eyes again and turned around to the coffee machine. “I asked you nicely.”

“Well, you should know by now that I…”

Wonyoung watched the interaction carefully, but she felt the words drown out. Her mind was so laser focused on how those two acted towards each other. There was no hesitation, no careful distance, no filter. Yujin leaned in every few seconds, not even thinking about it, like she did it a thousand times. 

Gaeul didn’t pull away.

It was the way she reacted to Yujin. 

How her face changed.

How immediately it was. 

Wonyoung decided to leave the counter and went straight to the table. She wasn’t even able to tell them. They didn’t even acknowledge her anymore. 

They were in their own world. 

Days passed, Wonyoung still visited, still bought coffee, still tried to talk to Gaeul.

Still got the same reactions. 

Wonyoung honestly felt a little discouraged.

Sometimes Yujin was there, sometimes she wasn’t. 

And on days when Yujin wasn’t there, Wonyoung would still try, little by little. But each time, she felt the same thing. The distance was close, but it was quieter, tighter, and forced.

Gaeul would respond to what she said, but that was the extent of it. Responding for the sake of responding. Nothing followed up. Nothing that could consider their interaction to be fruitful, or improvement. 

Wonyoung felt like she was at a loss. 

"You used to hate coffee,” Gaeul suddenly said, standing by the bookshelves, taking out books, but she was looking at her.

Wonyoung turned around abruptly and almost choked on her coffee, but she was able to swallow it before anything exploded on her face. She cleared her throat and placed the cup back on the table. "Excuse me?"

Gaeul blinked at her. Like she was taking time to register what she said. She took out another book and piled it on the little trolley that was behind her. "You said it didn't taste right. Too bitter," she said, quieter than her question. "Now you take it black."

Wonyoung stared at her, unable to register the entire thing properly. She almost stammered again. "That was... That was years ago."

"I'm aware,” Gaeul answered back, still placing books onto the trolley, placing some back.

"Oh…” her voice trailed, trying to figure out why her chest felt all fuzzy. She smiled, a friendly one, then shrugged. “Well, you're not wrong. Growing up made me appreciate it more."

The warmth in her chest made her smile even more, but she didn’t show it to Gaeul, turning away to glance outside the window, taking her cup and holding onto it, just something she needed to do so her hands could be busy. 

But she also couldn’t hide it. 

She turned to Gaeul, who was still by the shelf. "You remembered that?" she asked carefully. She didn’t want to be like Yujin, where her questions weren’t teasing, nor something that she grabbed out of her ass. It wasn’t light, it was deeper. Something that she wanted to know genuinely.

Did Gaeul feel it too?

"I remember a lot of things. You know that," Gaeul said flatly, not looking at her. "It doesn't mean anything."

And there it was again. 

The air changed quickly. The rising warmth inside her chest immediately turned down that it fell into the pit of her stomach. 

She should have expected less, or nothing at all.

Wonyoung chewed on her lower lip, turning away. "Right. I do know that,” she muttered.

Gaeul didn’t respond, she pushed the trolley towards the back of the shop, then walked back towards the counter, continuing her usual routine. 

Wonyoung sighed to herself. She didn’t like being rejected, even if her parents did it so much that she got used to it. But receiving it from Gaeul had always hit her in parts that mattered. 

She felt discouraged again.

The bell chimed again, heavy footsteps, and the door closing with a louder click. 

Yujin.

Again. 

"Well… that officially was the dumbest call I've ever had," she said out loud after a sigh. Then she leaned on the counter again, looking at Gaeul. "What did I miss?"

Gaeul didn’t turn to face her, simply prepping the coffee machine. "Nothing."

"Are you sure?" she asked again, glancing at Wonyoung, and offered a friendly smile. "I didn't miss anything did I?"

Wonyoung wasn’t sure what to say, and she wasn’t entirely in the mood to interact with Yujin this time around. But it felt even worse when Gaeul answered her instead. "No, I think you're good."

Yujin let out a sigh, nodding her head, but her eyes were glued to Gaeul, teasing and familiar. "Okay, wouldn't want you guys to be talking about something interesting without me."

Gaeul handed her a cup without saying anything. "I wouldn't want you to be a part of it."

"Really? Keeping secrets from me this time? You're cruel,” Yujin said in exaggerated distress as she took the cup.

As always, Gaeul didn’t respond. Wonyoung seriously should stop looking but she couldn’t help it. There was something unsettling at the truth of everything.

It was a stark contrast. 

How Gaeul always placed the cup on the counter when she served the coffee to Wonyoung. How she refused to keep eye contact. How her expressions were always the same. Guarded, unfriendly but also not cruel at the same time.

Wonyoung never wanted to demand Gaeul to treat her differently because there were a lot of things to work on between the both of them. But that was the thing that made her realize something important. 

Did Gaeul even want to fix things?

"Oh—” Yujin suddenly piped up after taking a sip from her coffee. She placed the mug down and extended her arm towards Gaeul. “Hold still, you got something—" Yujin leaned closer to dust off whatever was on Gaeul’s shoulder. The touch was lingering, even doing more than necessary. "There ya go."

Gaeul looked down, she didn’t flinch nor did she look disgusted or frustrated. She gave a small smile. "Thanks."

Something inside of Wonyoung shifted.

The way Gaeul didn’t react, or how she easily said thanks and gave that smile.

It shouldn’t have mattered, but for some reason, it did for Wonyoung. The feeling lingered, and she felt it grow bigger and bigger that it was too late for her to try and hide it. Because it started to settle inside her chest, heavy and undeniable. She couldn’t find an excuse for it. 

She looked away, back to her coffee that she couldn’t finish for some reason. 

It made sense. 

Everything made sense now, and this feeling she had inside her was sharp, clear and unavoidable. For the first time, she didn’t like it. Not one bit. She was usually a tolerable person, but for some reason, she hated it. 

What the fuck was she doing?

In the small fraction of that moment, Wonyoung thought about it, and she came up with a decision. She grabbed the cup of her now ignored coffee, grabbed her coat and headed straight to the door. 

“Leaving already?” Yujin asked her. 

Wonyoung had her hand on the door, but she didn’t turn back immediately, needing time to compose herself. But she glanced towards them, Gaeul was looking at her, with the same expression. 

She shrugged. "Yeah."

"You..." Gaeul suddenly spoke up, looking confused now. "You just got here?"

That was right. 

It had only been twenty minutes since she got her coffee and sat on her table. She was supposed to make the most of her visit today. But that wasn’t going to happen anymore. 

Wonyoung would have taken the crumbs, but she didn’t want to make herself think that was something. It clearly wasn’t. She didn’t let go of the door. "I have work."

Gaeul looked stiff but still nodded. "Right."

"Come back okay?" Yujin asked after, smiling the same friendly smile.

She wanted to punch that smile off that face. But Wonyoung turned around, not bothering to say anything else. The bell above her chimed, she left the bookshop, immediately released the door before it closed, and started walking. 

Once she passed by the trashcan, she threw her coffee inside. 

“You used to hate coffee?”

Gaeul exhaled loudly as she remembered what she said. 

"You said it didn't taste right. Too bitter. Now you take it black."

Her hands stopped wiping the counter, closing her eyes for a moment, and tried to breathe again.  

God, what was she doing?

She allowed the words to slip out before she could catch them. She remembered the tension. The silence that followed. How Wonyoung was taken by surprise, almost choking on her coffee, asking for clarification. 

Gaeul wasn’t any smoother. She realized a little too late that their past slipped through to their present. All because Wonyoung had been so consistent with her visits, how she still tried even if Gaeul only gave her less than a handful. 

She shouldn’t have allowed those words to be said. She shouldn’t have remembered it out loud. She didn’t want to question herself as to why it came out so easily. 

It was easier to blame it on Wonyoung’s presence. 

About what she learned when Wonyoung met Yujin for the first time. 

About…

Gaeul took her phone out from her pocket, absentmindedly going to Instagram, pressing the search bar, typing the name down. 

There it was. 

Lucky Vicky.

Her heart was beating against her chest again. 

Wonyoung used the name Gaeul suggested. 

How could she remember that? They were just kids when Gaeul said it. And she only used that because it was Wonyoung’s mantra. To find every silver lining in any situation. That anything negative can be transformed into positive outcomes. That there were always good reasons to be happy, to be excited, to feel elated. 

Gaeul scrolled through the page. 

This was everything Wonyoung wanted. Her own make up line, clothes that she could call her own. Gaeul wondered if Wonyoung was the one who designed the clothes, or if she chose the names of the palettes. She wondered if Wonyoung did all of this alone. 

Her fingers clenched on the phone when she found a picture of Wonyoung in front of a building, the location was just in the main city area of Incheon, the look on her face, that smile. Wonyoung looked so professional here. It showed how hard she had been working to make all of this work. 

Two years? Then was able to branch out?

That must have taken so much hard work. But… for some reason, Gaeul wasn’t surprised. It was Wonyoung. She was diligent, headstrong, and confident in herself. Of course this was the result. 

Even if Gaeul didn’t say it out loud—even if she didn’t want to say it out loud—one thing was for sure. She was very proud of Wonyoung. 

Sounds of camera shutters filled her ears, but her eyes were focused on the screen. The production team was still small, but the project was still as important as the bigger ones. The team moved systematically, people rushing back and forth, prepping the models, making sure the products are perfect for the shot, and Wonyoung’s presence making everyone tense than before.

“Rotate the lighting,” she told the operator, eyes focused. When she saw the difference, she nodded. “Perfect, the shade looked flat.”

After a few shots, pictures being reviewed by her, Wonyoung finally approved them. She heard the collective sigh. Then she told the entire team to move to the next rotation of models and models, making sure the clothes to be used were correct. 

She asked for the latest catalogue, her tone wasn’t demanding but there was no signs of gentleness either. One of the assistants rushed over, handing her the catalogue. Wonyoung didn’t even say thank you, her mind was a complete mess.

Jiwon approached her. “You sure know how to drive these people to the wall.”

Wonyoung didn’t reply to the comment, flipping through the pages, looking for something she forgot about already. Her mind was jumping from place to place, and it was starting to overwhelm her. “If we don’t do this now, we’ll be behind May’s issue.”

Her secretary nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, and I understand that. But you have to remember that if you’re stressed, everyone will get stressed too.”

That made her brows furrow, still not glancing at her. “What are you talking about?”

“You've been tense the past two days,” Jiwon told her calmly, but still matter-of-factly. Then she nudged towards the refreshments table. “Why not get a cup of coffee?”

The idea of coffee made her jaw clench tighter. “No,” she immediately said. Then she cleared her throat. “No, thank you. I think I’ve had enough.” 

Fortunately, Jiwon didn’t push but she also didn’t leave immediately. Her gaze was heavy and that made Wonyoung a little irritated. She sighed. 

“What?”

“Don’t push yourself too much,” Jiwon said again, then she reached for the catalogue, flipped a couple of pages, and pointed at the page Wonyoung was looking for. She honestly couldn’t remember why she was looking for it. “You’re allowed to rest.”

Wonyoung had no words this time. She didn’t have the energy to fight back this time, so she allowed Jiwon to say whatever she wanted to say and then Wonyoung was left by herself again. 

A sigh escaped her. 

Perhaps a moment of silence was probably what she needed. Wonyoung closed the catalogue, kept it underneath her arm and quietly exited the studio. The cold breeze hit her insistently as she opened the door. She walked a familiar path to the end of the hall, empty, like it was meant just for her. She walked towards it, cracked it open to allow more air to hit her face. 

She looked at the people moving below her, busy with their lives, trying to go home, perhaps going out to have a meal. She didn’t want to, but by habit, she checked her watch. 

7:57 PM. 

Gaeul might be preparing to close her bookshop. Did she even notice that she hadn’t visited for two days already?

Was that what Gaeul wanted?

The thought made her chest heavy. Because even after everything, Gaeul was the one that was stuck in her mind. But whenever Wonyoung tried to think of her, she could imagine Yujin. The way they smiled at each other, how Gaeul’s expressions were light and easy. How it didn’t take much for Yujin to get a reaction from her. 

Then she remembered the look on Gaeul’s face when it came to her. Reserved, guarded, neutral. There was no warmth, no familiarity, no signs that things changed between them. Wonyoung knew that she made a mistake, but she didn’t realize how much Gaeul was affected by it. That it bled out through the years.

Perhaps she was pushing it. She never considered if Gaeul was overwhelmed by her intentions. It could be the reason why Wonyoung couldn’t get anything from her. 

Yujin touched her like she had been doing it several times before.

Her chest ached.

Wonyoung leaned against the window frame, staring blankly at the flickering city lights, feeling the stillness of the air. She thought about it. Ever since she left abruptly those few days ago, when her mind would go to different places at once, when she stared at her untouched cup of tea. 

Staying away might be the best thing.

She didn’t want Gaeul to have more reasons to hate her. 

Even if it made her feel empty. Even if it ached. Even if it left her confused.