Things Have Changed

A part of her wanted to forget the reason why it happened. 

She made that decision. She watched how it fell apart, how she transformed into something she didn’t want to be, how it broke something that meant everything to her. 

Wonyoung didn’t know what to do. 

Realizing that she liked girls?

That wasn’t good. 

Her parents were pushing her already, her sister was doing everything right, and she knew keeping her sexuality a secret was easy enough to do. But the moment she felt something small and different for Gaeul, she drew back. Spiraled. 

Wonyoung was ready to live a life that was expected of her, but she couldn’t imagine what Gaeul would do if she found out. Because the last thing she wanted to do was compromise Gaeul’s comfort. 

But at the cost of friendship? Without giving her a reason? Leaving her in the dark? Did she really think that what she did was the right thing?

It took her years to realize that what she did was wrong. But having this distorted perception of what life should be misguided her into thinking it shouldn’t be fixed. 

Gaeul didn’t do anything wrong. 

Her parents pressed and pressured. 

Jinyoung wanted to keep the peace. 

Wonyoung made the decision. 

The wrong one. 

And now she was living the consequences. 

“Wow, unnie,” Hyunseo breathed out as she held up the book in her hand. “I can’t believe you finished it.”

Wonyoung wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be impressive or not. Because she never finished a book like that. Ever. 

The books she read thoroughly were textbooks, books with theories, about business. She never indulged in anything that made her think deeply, the kind that helped her imagine things and scenarios. The books that Gaeul loved reading when they were still kids. 

She shrugged. “Me neither,” she said softly, eyes trying to fixate on the porcelain cup that was in front of her, hot with tea that she honestly didn’t want to touch. 

The only thing she wanted was Gaeul’s coffee. 

“Was the story at least good?” Hyunseo asked again, a little intrigued, perhaps aware that Wonyoung’s mind was somewhere else. 

Wonyoung nodded, composing herself. “It was. Engaging, and interesting lines. The kind that made you think.”

It was a safe answer, because it wasn’t worth mentioning the fact that she got used to tasting coffee whenever she wanted to read the book. Not at home, nor with tea. 

“What about the bookshop?” 

That made her go still. 

She raised a brow. “What about it?” 

Hyunseo rolled her eyes, already annoyed. “That was like the other reason why I asked you to go. I saw the Instagram posts, and it looks so beautiful,” she said with a sigh, going through her phone again. “If only I had time. Because I really want to go there. They must have a lot of books, and there are some I want to look for.” 

Wonyoung pursed her lips, the taste of her lipstick didn’t make her flinch. Her mind went back to the bookshop. The name. 

머무르다

There could be several meanings to that. But one stuck to her. 

To stay. To remain. 

Gaeul must have thought of that name with a lot of consideration. Because Wonyoung knew how careful Gaeul was whenever it came to making decisions. Big or small. About wanting to go with the school field trip, choosing the perfect color for a shirt she wanted to wear on the weekend, and even choosing what color her pen should be when she was taking down notes.

So for her to settle with something as important as the name of her bookshop, then the name was something more than the meaning itself.

Wonyoung didn’t want to assume anything. She didn’t want to believe that the name alone affected her. That it was reminding her of the things she didn’t do. The one thing she chose not to do. 

It was starting to consume her again. A feeling that had been so consistent for so long that it still felt new. She wondered how long was it going to take until she was going to stop feeling this way. 

“Here, check it out,” Hyunseo said, showing her phone to Wonyoung, the page of Gaeul’s bookshop bright on the screen.

Wonyoung took the phone carefully, eyes glancing at each simple post and picture that was there. Even if Gaeul didn’t show her face, Wonyoung could tell that it was definitely Gaeul who made everything. Each post, each word that was used underneath each photograph. 

She looked at each photo, pictured herself seeing it in person. The books, the large bookshelves, the narrow pathway that led to the back. The counter where Gaeul would be whenever she welcomed Wonyoung even if it was only out of courtesy. The window where the tables were. Where she sat, reading, drinking the coffee Gaeul made for her. Wonyoung could already smell the coffee from looking at the photos alone. 

A small smile made its way on her lips, just a little, by a fraction. But the memory of how guarded Gaeul was towards her made the smile disappear quickly.

She moved on. 

But she thought about it. 

Gaeul still thought about her. 

“I honestly really like the place,” Wonyoung finally said, giving Hyunseo her phone back. She rubbed her fingers together, as if she could still feel remnants of Gaeul on her skin and she wished to savor it. “I haven’t enjoyed being in a quiet place in a long time.”

That got Hyunseo to raise her brow. “That’s definitely something since you never are happy with anything these days.”

Wonyoung’s jaw clenched. That wasn’t supposed to hit her like it did. But she couldn’t say anything because it was true. “Yeah…” she said, voice trailing. “Thanks for telling me about the place.”

“Glad I told you about it, unnie,” Hyunseo said, smiling at her, resting her head on her fist as she relaxed more on her chair. “I think reading books and being somewhere quiet helps. It’s… therapeutic.”

That silenced Wonyoung once more.

She remembered a time when an afternoon with Gaeul was the only thing that made her days feel like they were worth living by each moment. That there was nothing to think about, nothing that was expected of her, nothing was demanded nor taken from her. She remembered days when all Wonyoung had to do was walk over next door, where Gaeul’s brother guided her to the garden where Gaeul was sitting underneath the large, old tree, reading a book. 

It was a feeling that Wonyoung gave up without thinking. Because she was a coward. Because she didn’t want to disappoint anyone. 

Now she felt like her days were meaningless, that she was on top and yet, she felt like everyone else was floating above her. And she was just there. Having everything and yet feeling so empty at the same time.