A part of her wanted to forget the reason why it happened.
She made that decision. She watched how it fell apart, how she transformed into something she didn’t want to be, how it broke something that meant everything to her.
Wonyoung didn’t know what to do.
Realizing that she liked girls?
That wasn’t good.
Her parents were pushing her already, her sister was doing everything right, and she knew keeping her sexuality a secret was easy enough to do. But the moment she felt something small and different for Gaeul, she drew back. Spiraled.
Wonyoung was ready to live a life that was expected of her, but she couldn’t imagine what Gaeul would do if she found out. Because the last thing she wanted to do was compromise Gaeul’s comfort.
But at the cost of friendship? Without giving her a reason? Leaving her in the dark? Did she really think that what she did was the right thing?
It took her years to realize that what she did was wrong. But having this distorted perception of what life should be misguided her into thinking it shouldn’t be fixed.
Gaeul didn’t do anything wrong.
Her parents pressed and pressured.
Jinyoung wanted to keep the peace.
Wonyoung made the decision.
The wrong one.
And now she was living the consequences.
“Wow, unnie,” Hyunseo breathed out as she held up the book in her hand. “I can’t believe you finished it.”
Wonyoung wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be impressive or not. Because she never finished a book like that. Ever.
The books she read thoroughly were textbooks, books with theories, about business. She never indulged in anything that made her think deeply, the kind that helped her imagine things and scenarios. The books that Gaeul loved reading when they were still kids.
She shrugged. “Me neither,” she said softly, eyes trying to fixate on the porcelain cup that was in front of her, hot with tea that she honestly didn’t want to touch.
The only thing she wanted was Gaeul’s coffee.
“Was the story at least good?” Hyunseo asked again, a little intrigued, perhaps aware that Wonyoung’s mind was somewhere else.
Wonyoung nodded, composing herself. “It was. Engaging, and interesting lines. The kind that made you think.”
It was a safe answer, because it wasn’t worth mentioning the fact that she got used to tasting coffee whenever she wanted to read the book. Not at home, nor with tea.
“What about the bookshop?”
That made her go still.
She raised a brow. “What about it?”
Hyunseo rolled her eyes, already annoyed. “That was like the other reason why I asked you to go. I saw the Instagram posts, and it looks so beautiful,” she said with a sigh, going through her phone again. “If only I had time. Because I really want to go there. They must have a lot of books, and there are some I want to look for.”
Wonyoung pursed her lips, the taste of her lipstick didn’t make her flinch. Her mind went back to the bookshop. The name.
머무르다
There could be several meanings to that. But one stuck to her.
To stay. To remain.
Gaeul must have thought of that name with a lot of consideration. Because Wonyoung knew how careful Gaeul was whenever it came to making decisions. Big or small. About wanting to go with the school field trip, choosing the perfect color for a shirt she wanted to wear on the weekend, and even choosing what color her pen should be when she was taking down notes.
So for her to settle with something as important as the name of her bookshop, then the name was something more than the meaning itself.
Wonyoung didn’t want to assume anything. She didn’t want to believe that the name alone affected her. That it was reminding her of the things she didn’t do. The one thing she chose not to do.
It was starting to consume her again. A feeling that had been so consistent for so long that it still felt new. She wondered how long was it going to take until she was going to stop feeling this way.
“Here, check it out,” Hyunseo said, showing her phone to Wonyoung, the page of Gaeul’s bookshop bright on the screen.
Wonyoung took the phone carefully, eyes glancing at each simple post and picture that was there. Even if Gaeul didn’t show her face, Wonyoung could tell that it was definitely Gaeul who made everything. Each post, each word that was used underneath each photograph.
She looked at each photo, pictured herself seeing it in person. The books, the large bookshelves, the narrow pathway that led to the back. The counter where Gaeul would be whenever she welcomed Wonyoung even if it was only out of courtesy. The window where the tables were. Where she sat, reading, drinking the coffee Gaeul made for her. Wonyoung could already smell the coffee from looking at the photos alone.
A small smile made its way on her lips, just a little, by a fraction. But the memory of how guarded Gaeul was towards her made the smile disappear quickly.
She moved on.
But she thought about it.
Gaeul still thought about her.
“I honestly really like the place,” Wonyoung finally said, giving Hyunseo her phone back. She rubbed her fingers together, as if she could still feel remnants of Gaeul on her skin and she wished to savor it. “I haven’t enjoyed being in a quiet place in a long time.”
That got Hyunseo to raise her brow. “That’s definitely something since you never are happy with anything these days.”
Wonyoung’s jaw clenched. That wasn’t supposed to hit her like it did. But she couldn’t say anything because it was true. “Yeah…” she said, voice trailing. “Thanks for telling me about the place.”
“Glad I told you about it, unnie,” Hyunseo said, smiling at her, resting her head on her fist as she relaxed more on her chair. “I think reading books and being somewhere quiet helps. It’s… therapeutic.”
That silenced Wonyoung once more.
She remembered a time when an afternoon with Gaeul was the only thing that made her days feel like they were worth living by each moment. That there was nothing to think about, nothing that was expected of her, nothing was demanded nor taken from her. She remembered days when all Wonyoung had to do was walk over next door, where Gaeul’s brother guided her to the garden where Gaeul was sitting underneath the large, old tree, reading a book.
It was a feeling that Wonyoung gave up without thinking. Because she was a coward. Because she didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
Now she felt like her days were meaningless, that she was on top and yet, she felt like everyone else was floating above her. And she was just there. Having everything and yet feeling so empty at the same time.
Being at Gaeul’s bookshop was the only thing that made the hollowness in her chest feel like it was filling up again. But how could she be so selfish when the source of her purpose didn’t welcome her with open arms?
Wonyoung had to try.
Bury her pride.
Accept her mistakes.
All for Gaeul.
Wonyoung woke up that morning with a fire in her heart.
She rehearsed things in her head, predicted different outcomes, and came up with solutions to each reaction that Gaeul might give her. She felt prepared. She had to be. Because she was determined to make things different.
Gaeul probably needed more time to get used to her again. It had been years since they saw each other. There was obvious tension, and Wonyoung knew that Gaeul just needed a little nudge.
It wasn’t going to be big. Nothing profound. Just enough to be something. Like a continuation of what they have progressed so far without making it obvious that she had been thinking about it for a while. Or maybe more than a while.
But she was determined.
The hollowness was going to be filled.
Wonyoung didn’t even give herself time to take a breath, already reaching for the door, already hearing the chime of the bell on top. She looked up, excited to see Gaeul again but then…
She stopped, barely through the threshold.
"Why do you keep changing it?" the woman that was standing by the counter said. Her weight leaning towards Gaeul, looking too comfortable to just be anyone. She was tall, dressed casually, coffee in hand, and her eyes were on Gaeul.
This person didn’t look like a new customer, nor a customer that was there a handful of times, but like someone who visited enough times to be talking to Gaeul so casually.
Wonyoung may not know her, but she could tell what kind of person this was. She knew the type.
Confident, comfortable, close.
And that didn’t settle well with Wonyoung.
Gaeul slowly turned to raise a brow at her. "What are you talking about?"
The woman brought the cup to her lips to drink again. Then she pointed at it. "It’s different. The first batch was fine. You did something to change it," she said, a little more distressed, then she took another sip from the cup. "It's bitter."
Gaeul sighed, but it didn’t sound like it was because it was trouble. But something else. "You'd still drink it anyway,” she said with a shrug.
The woman was about to answer back, but she opened her mouth, paused—then closed it back again. Nodding her head in acceptance. "Okay, you're not wrong. But still." She placed the cup down, leaning her body over the counter, eyes glued to Gaeul again. "Also, you say that as if I have a choice. If I don't keep coming by, you'll forget I exist."
Gaeul let out a quiet laugh. Something Wonyoung hadn’t seen since they met again. It looked… real.
"With the way you talk, I don't think that would happen," Gaeul said, facing the coffee machine again. "And you show up every day, that's on you."
"It's commitment."
She scoffed. "That's just being annoying."
"Exactly," the woman said with a smirk. "I'm like a wart that's been on your elbow since forever and you don't know how to remove it."
"That's oddly specific."
"I'm trying to prove a point."
Gaeul shook her head, but she didn’t look irritated nor bothered. There was a certain softness to it, something that looked too familiar to Wonyoung. It was the kind that didn’t take any effort to get it out of Gaeul.
Wonyoung witnessed it, felt it.
It came in like a pulse. Sharp, immediately, against her chest.
Right.
She forgot about the part where Gaeul said she moved on. Moving on also meant that she found people that made her feel this way too. Safe, comfortable, honest.
This was the part where she had just discovered that Gaeul had a life that didn’t include her anymore. That there were people who also got to see this version of Gaeul without even trying. Without any hesitation. Without any hostility.
The door slipped from her fingers. The bell chimed again, and the door closed with a soft click.
Gaeul’s eyes immediately shifted towards her. They looked at each other, and it felt like time stood still.
But then Wonyoung could see it. Clear as day.
The shift in her expression. The way the smile died down instantly, how it somehow disappeared because Wonyoung was simply existing.
Silence stretched on, and the air felt different. Careful and measured.
"Good afternoon," Wonyoung finally greeted her, subtly clearing her throat as she carefully approached the counter like always.
Gaeul gave a nod. "Afternoon."
The woman that was still there looked at her, furrowed her brows, glanced back at Gaeul then back at her. "Oh?" she hummed, eyes scanning her now. "Is she new?"
Gaeul had her hands on something, eyes not looking at anyone anymore. "She's a customer," she replied bluntly.
For some reason, that affected her more than it should.
Just a customer.
Was that how she saw her now?
Nothing about being friends? Or at least acquaintances? Nothing? It didn’t help that Gaeul answered it without any room for thought. Like it was rehearsed in her head.
Wonyoung felt a little more conscious about her existence. "Sorry if I'm intruding,” she muttered.
"No, it's fine," Gaeul said, giving a careless shrug. "She shows up."
"Every day," the woman answered back, smiling widely at both of them. Then she placed a finger up in the air. "Except yesterday, I had something work related to do."
"No one asked,” Gaeul answered back quickly, just as blunt.
The woman quickly threw her hands over her chest, right where her heart was and pretended to be in pain. "You hurt me."
Wonyoung took the chance to really look at this person’s face. But the recognition was nowhere close to her. Meaning, this woman wasn’t from high school, nor middle school. So Wonyoung assumed that this person was a friend from college. Or somewhere. She really didn’t know who this person was.
Gaeul glanced up at her and Wonyoung quickly caught it. "Coffee?" she asked.
She nodded. "Yes, please. B—"
Wonyoung wasn’t able to complete her order when Gaeul turned around, already working on the coffee machine.
Gaeul did the same thing as always. Grab the cup, grinded the beans, poured it in the machine, and waited for it to pour. But she did it without facing them, without saying a word. It was back to her usual demeanor.
A part of her was hoping that Gaeul was able to smile a little bit again, even if it was from someone else, but at least Wonyoung could see it once again.
But for some reason, something changed the moment she acknowledged this woman’s presence. There was something there, something pushing her back, something that was making her notice things she couldn’t say. The distance. The way the woman was claiming this space like it was hers already.
"So..." the woman suddenly said, brows raised and looking straight at her, hesitating. Like she was trying to choose her words wisely. "Are we going to stand here and wait without you introducing yourself?"
"Yujin,” Gaeul quickly called out. Calm but not in a panic.
"What? I'm being friendly,” the woman countered back, raising her hands in mock surrender.
Wonyoung offered her hand to the woman. Might as well. "Jang Wonyoung."
The woman looked pleased, eyes lighting up as she took Wonyoung’s hand and shaking it briefly before letting go. "An Yujin. Pleasure."
She gave a friendly smile. "Likewise."
"You new to the area?" she asked immediately, intrigued.
They really haven’t met before.
"I actually live here," she answered easily, trying her best not to glance at Gaeul to see if she would react. "I came back from Seoul not too long ago, actually."
Yujin’s expression lit up again with genuine interest. "Really now? What do you do?"
Wonyoung took a moment to think. She didn’t want to say it outright, but she also wanted to give the information to Gaeul. "I own a growing company,” she said, trying not to make a big deal out of it.
"Awesome! What's it about?"
“Cosmetics and fashion,” Wonyoung said, a little proud about it if she wanted to be honest. "It’s called Lucky Vicky. I don't know if you've heard about it."
For a moment, she could see Gaeul pausing her movements, like she was carefully listening in.
Gaeul knew how much Wonyoung wanted to get into fashion, to make a name for herself, to feel like she owned something she worked hard for. She remembered all of the encouraging words Gaeul told her when they were in middle school. That she could do it, that she was capable, that she always believed in her.
It was the only thing that got Wonyoung to push through everything without losing her mind.
Gaeul was even the one who suggested the name for her. They were just kids, but Wonyoung remembered. Of course she did.
She just hoped Gaeul was proud of her.
"That's sick—you own this?" Yujin gasped as she was on her phone, showing the official page to Wonyoung. Then Yujin looked at her phone again. "My cousins told me about it. They said it's pretty good."
Wonyoung smiled, her first genuine one for that day. "Really? That's good. I'll let my team know then."
Yujin nodded. “Yeah, definitely. When did it start?”
“We launched in Seoul two years ago,” Wonyoung explained, hoping Gaeul was listening. “I decided to open here. At least it’s close to home.”
“That’s so cool,” Yujin said, looking amazed. But then she paused, her face not moving, like she was thinking of something. Wonyoung raised a brow, patiently waiting for Yujin to follow up. "Wouldn't you have a coffee machine in your place then?" she finally asked, brows furrowed. The question didn’t sound accusatory. More like a dog that was simply curious.
Gaeul finally turned around, a crease between her brows. "Yujin.”
That one was definitely a warning.
"What?" she answered back, shrugging. "I'm just saying. My boss has his own coffee machine in his office. That's why he never goes out." Then she turned to Wonyoung. “Sorry if that sounded offensive.”
Her smile was tight, but she needed to be polite. "That's fine,” she said, then for a moment, she glanced at Gaeul who was carefully watching the coffee pour into the cup. "I prefer the coffee here."
A huff. "As you should. It’s made by the best." Yujin then pointed at Gaeul, who still didn’t turn around to face them. Then Yujin paused, her own brows furrowing again. She pointed at her then to Gaeul then back at her. "Wait—does that mean you know Gaeul?"
The question caught her off-guard.
How was Yujin able to deduce that? They didn’t talk about anything about the past, nor anything that could connect to Gaeul. Unless she was that observant?
She glanced at Gaeul, gauging a reaction. But then she thought… if she acknowledged it, perhaps Gaeul could finally see that their past wasn’t nothing to her. Wonyoung still remembered her, she still kept their memories, she still had Gaeul close to her heart. That what they had wasn’t something she could easily erase.
Gaeul wasn’t just anyone to her.
Even if Gaeul called her just a customer. But to Wonyoung, Gaeul was something more. She… was everything. And Wonyoung had to stand for that.
"Classmates," she finally answered, eyes watching Gaeul, but glancing back at Yujin. "Since middle school."
Yujin’s face immediately lit up. "Oh wow!" Then she leaned closer to Wonyoung, elbow still on the counter. "What was Gaeul like as a student? I bet she was just as cute."
Gaeul was finally at the counter, holding her coffee, but her eyes were solely on Yujin, clearly upset. "Yujin, stop, please."
A pout. "Aw, come on! I just wanna know."
That was ignored, Gaeul finally faced her and placed the coffee on the counter as always, but their fingers almost brushed this time. "Your coffee."
Her voice. It sounded the same as before, but this time it sounded more distant. Wonyoung took her time as she grabbed the cup, warmth spreading on her palms. She waited, observed, and noticed.
Of course she noticed.
A part of her knew she had to pull away, that she shouldn’t linger longer than she should. But it felt like she was waiting for something. Anything. A small smile. A huff. A sign that Gaeul remembered something about them.
But Gaeul already stepped back, carefully watching her. Back to her careful, measured version of herself. The one that Wonyoung could only receive.
"Thank you,” Wonyoung finally said, her smile still tight and forced. She pointed towards the window. "I'll be by the tables."
Gaeul nodded at her. "Okay."
Yujin smiled at her. "Cool. Nice to meet you!"
Wonyoung didn’t say anything back, just smiling at Yujin then finally turning around to walk towards her usual spot.
It felt stupid because she realized she didn’t have a valid reason to stay anymore. She finished the book, and it would be weird if she stood back up just to look for another one. Gaeul wasn’t stupid, she was going to notice sooner or later and Wonyoung didn’t want to give her a single reason to kick her out.
She came to the bookshop hoping to be one step closer to Gaeul, but for some reason, it felt like she was five steps behind, the distance between them getting farther the more she tried. But Wonyoung wasn’t sure how she was feeling.
Because Yujin was still there. Still at the counter, still talking to Gaeul, still smiling at her, still pulling small and easy reactions out of her. She did it so easily.
There was another comment, another low huff that resembled a giggle.
Wonyoung heard it. She could hear everything. The sounds seeped into her skin, dripping into somewhere deep inside of her. It wasn’t overwhelming nor did it immobilize her. It was just there. A consistent drop, loud in a quiet place, uncomfortable enough to make her realize things she didn’t want to acknowledge.
Something settled inside of her. It wasn’t new, nor was it something she recognized immediately. She didn’t know what it was.
One thing was for sure. She didn’t like it.
Wonyoung didn’t stay longer than thirty minutes. She finished her coffee as always; she didn’t bring out a book. She just sat there, staring at the cup, occasionally staring out the window. But ultimately, she didn’t do anything.
Gaeul didn’t mean to take note. But it was hard not to notice.
When Wonyoung said her soft goodbye as always, Gaeul watched carefully as she exited the shop.
The bell chimed. The door closed.
Gaeul felt her knees go weak and Yujin quickly turned to her.
“I didn’t expect to see her in the flesh,” she said in a whisper.
Gaeul had to close her eyes for a moment, balance herself as she gripped the counter. “Yujin, I seriously wish I had the strength to strangle you. Because I really want to right now.”
Yujin sighed. “Okay, that was my bad. I shouldn’t have asked her questions about you guys,” she said, almost sounding apologetic. But it didn’t last long. “I was really curious as to what she might say!”
“Yeah, but I didn’t want to hear it, okay?” Gaeul quickly answered back, her chest aching in a way that made her scared. She was scared.
She always felt that way.
Because having Wonyoung around made her feel things that she really didn’t want to feel again. Something that threatened her, that was going to push her off the cliff again, and she wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to pick herself up after the harsh landing.
Gaeul called her a customer and yet…
“I prefer the coffee here.”
“I decided to open here. At least it’s close to home.”
“Classmates. Since middle school.”
The way Wonyoung said all of that felt like she held onto the memory. That everything Gaeul thought that was forgotten wasn’t.
But at the same time, it felt like Wonyoung was playing coy and thought that saying that so easily was going to change anything.
It didn’t.
Nothing was going to change.
However… somewhere at the back of her mind, the way Wonyoung said it made Gaeul believe for a brief moment that it meant something.
Her legs were giving out. She quickly turned around and slid down to the floor, not caring how dirty it was, she just needed to ground herself again. Her back leaned on the cabinet of the cabinet, using her hands to rub her arms when she wasn’t feeling cold.
The beating of her heart was getting faster and she wasn’t sure if she could take it.
Yujin quickly got behind the counter and sat next to her, offering support. Gaeul leaned against Yujin’s frame, trying to find some sort of warmth to make her feel grounded again.
“How long has she been coming here?” she asked carefully.
“A habitual amount,” Gaeul answered, a little sarcasm in her tone.
Yujin gave her a look, not her usual teasing one. The one where Gaeul knew that she wasn’t joking around. “Be serious.”
“I am serious,” Gaeul countered back, the feeling rising to her throat again. “It’s been consecutive days.”
Yujin looked at her for a moment, like she was translating the words in her head before she gave an answer back. “Shouldn’t that mean something? I thought that’s what you wanted—“
Gaeul looked away immediately, closing her eyes, and shaking her head. “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
For a moment, there was silence. Gaeul still felt Yujin’s gaze. The kind where she was being asked to look back. But she couldn’t. Because she didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to see the signs, the in-betweens, the underlying messages of each action.
She didn’t want to know.
She didn’t want to know.
She didn’t want to know.
Yujin let out a sigh, her voice still careful. “Gaeul…”
“Yujin—” her voice got caught in her throat, like her heart was being clenched and she was suffocating. She tried her best to hold back the tears but she grabbed onto Yujin’s sleeve just so her friend could get what this was doing to her. “I-I really don’t want to talk about it.”
Her friend nodded, a hand slipping over hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Okay. I’m sorry.”
Gaeul felt like she could breathe again. “It’s fine,” she muttered.
Silence finally filled their space. Gaeul hoped that there wouldn’t be any customers coming in because she really needed to take a moment.
Wonyoung was doing too many things at her and she felt like she was being driven up the wall.
She couldn’t trust Wonyoung.
Even if she came to the bookshop every day.
Even if she ordered the same cup of coffee every day.
Even if she stopped to say hi.
To say her usual soft good bye.
Not even if the words meant everything to her.
Gaeul clenched her shirt, her head falling against Yujin’s shoulder, quickly being accommodated by her friend, and she finally let out a breath.
She needed to take a break.
Yujin cleared her throat suddenly.
“You know…” she started talking and Gaeul immediately regretted it. “I didn’t expect her to be so pretty.”
Gaeul immediately threw a fist against Yujin’s arm, making her friend wince. “Can you please shut up?”
Yujin chuckled. “Okay, okay. Shutting up.”
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