You’re Here Again

2017

“Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you actually were able to live the same lives as the characters in the books?”

“I think I’d die.”

“W-What—Wait, why?”

“Wony, this is a murder mystery book. I’m not particularly smart enough to find out who the killer is. They might get to me first, and I wouldn’t be able to solve the mystery.”

“Unnie, what are you talking about? You’re super smart.”

“Not as smart as you.”

“Still. But I mean—I know you read fantasy books. Have you ever wanted to live in the same universe as them?”

“Sometimes. I would like to study magic if it were possible.”

“You seem like the type to do that.”

“What about you? Would you like to live in the same universe?”

“Maybe.”

“What would you do?”

“Whatever I want. Sometimes I just want to know what it feels like to be free, you know? No rules, you get to be by yourself, or with people you like. Do the things you want to do.” 

“You can still do that in this life.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I believe in you, Wony. You can do anything.”

“Thank you, unnie. I think you can do the same thing.”

“I guess.”

“Hey?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re the best. I love you.”

“...You’re also the best. And… I love you too.”

Present

She lived a simple life. 

Followed the rules, studied hard, graduated with high honors, got her first job, hated it, resigned, and thought about what to do next. 

Her brother supported her decisions, allowed her to live quietly, didn’t bother coming back to the past, and actually did something that made her feel whole. Gaeul realized along the way that she didn’t need to be extravagant to feel fulfilled, she didn’t need the fancy titles, the big achievements, to have her name engraved in history. 

Allowing herself to be free was all she needed to do.

It was only until then when she realized that this was what she really wanted. A hobby that she decided to study, which became her present, and maybe her future.

Making it all happen wasn’t easy either. Because she had to find the perfect place for it, the capital, the supplies, figuring out what else to sell, choosing a name. But she was able to do it. The bookstore opened almost a year ago. Her brother was there to help move the furniture, help with fixing the cracks on the wall, paint everything, install the lighting, organize the books. Everything. 

This used to be a passing thought back then, and suddenly it was real. It was her present. She was happy. Probably beyond that. She didn’t care if she couldn’t earn enough, she didn’t care if she didn’t have a single customer in one day, she didn’t care if people passed by and never gave her store a second thought. She didn’t care.

Her bookstore was hers. It was built up from her blood, sweat, and tears. Something she could call her own, something that she was actually proud of. 

It may be lonely. But it didn’t always have to be. In college, she made some friends, until she got herself hurt again. But she knew they were different. She couldn’t keep letting her haunted memories of the past prevent her from functioning like a normal human being. It didn’t have to consume her unless she allowed it to. That was what her brother taught her. She had control of her life, not these thoughts, not these feelings.

Not anyone.

Not Wonyoung. 

Thoughts and memories of Wonyoung had been shelved and stored away inside her mind for a very long time. Gaeul was able to sleep through nights even if the glimpses of their last goodbye still played in the background. Because she was determined to live a life without being so caught up in her past. 

She could do it. 

It was doable. 

Perhaps it was the reason why she loved the bookshop so much.

No one from her past knew about it. She never posted about it on social media, never broadcasted her life like that, if they found it, then it was by chance. It felt like Gaeul unlocked a secret and allowed herself to be in it. There were little to no chances for her to meet anyone from the past, no one to resurface memories, and no one that she had to worry if they were going to stay or not. 

This was perfect.

She wanted to keep it that way. 

Afternoons like this always reminded her of autumn. 

The kind where it showed the true colors of the wooden panels on the wall, how it still shined bright but wasn’t enough to hurt. Gaeul could feel the breeze getting colder, the need to constantly wear a jacket, staring at trees as the leaves slowly turned a different color. Sure, she loved spring more, but nothing could compare to the beauty of fall. 

She had customers that day. Some lingered by the corner of the shop, sitting with a book, some had their laptops or tablets on the table and worked quietly. The scent of old books and the coffee beans that were kept inside her storage room was what made Gaeul feel at home. 

The coffee beans made her feel a little more motivated than usual.

Her coffee machine was arriving that afternoon. Her brother insisted on getting it, since he believed it would attract more customers. Gaeul only had experience of making coffee because of him, and he enjoyed it so much that they both invested in that coffee machine. 

Perhaps she should call Yujin up to help her with taste testing. Gaeul could only trust her opinions. Maybe Gaeul should make the menu too. But what would she serve? She only knew how to make an espresso. She could take the time to learn more, but that would take so much effort. 

When she managed to catch herself, she shook her head to stop herself from thinking too much. She didn’t want to get herself too excited. It might make things hard for her to focus. 

It was fine. One thing at a time.

Gaeul stood behind the counter, reading through an article, pen twisting between her fingers, occasionally scribbling something down as she kept reading. It was for her part-time job, a research request. It was always like this around this time. Customers stayed, she didn’t bother them, they didn’t bother her, and it gave her time to do what she could. There was soft music played through the store, it was a song she discovered years ago. 

She liked it. It was routine, predictable, comfortable.

Until the bell above the entrance door chimed softly and she heard footsteps entering the shop. Gaeul didn’t look up immediately. She expected the customer to walk past her like always, going straight to the shelves, or finding an empty table at the side. 

But the sound got louder. It was measured, not in a rush, but it was sharp. Gaeul noticed it immediately and decided that she had to do this later if she wanted to assist the customer.

“Excuse me,” a voice said, and her hand went still. The tone wasn’t demanding, it wasn’t loud nor rude. It was familiar. Dangerously familiar. 

Gaeul didn’t want to, but she still did. Her eyes lifted, and the moment she saw the face of the person, she felt like time stood still. 

There she was.

Jang Wonyoung. 

She stood behind the counter, eyes glued to the phone in her hand, not bothering to look up.

Gaeul felt her chest tighten. Wonyoung looked the same. Elegant, well-kept, professional, beautiful beyond compare. But she looked tired. Like life was slowly wearing her down. 

This was ridiculous because the first thing that she should be asking herself was why. Why was Wonyoung here? Wasn’t she still in Seoul? Wasn’t she supposed to be in the big city making a name out of herself? Why the hell was Jang Wonyoung doing back in Incheon, stepping inside a secluded bookshop within the neighborhood?

But Gaeul couldn’t get anything out. If anything, Wonyoung wasn’t entirely paying attention to her. Should she say something? Because Wonyoung kept talking and didn’t even notice her yet. 

Then again, why was that not a surprise?

“My friend said it was this book,” Wonyoung said, pointing at her phone, then she turned it around to show it to Gaeul. She used her finger again, but she still wasn’t looking. 

Gaeul leaned in, didn’t take the phone when Wonyoung brought it closer, and she looked at the picture. When she saw the name and the color of the cover, things clicked in her head. 

“We have it,” she said simply, voice calm and collected. Something she had practiced for a long time. For a moment, she believed that Wonyoung was never going to recognize her. 

But then she saw it. How Wonyoung froze, how her brows shot up, how she slowly turned her head to look at her. 

Their eyes met.

Her heart stuttered for a moment.

Those brown eyes. 

Gaeul wondered how long it had been since she saw those brown eyes again. 

Still pretty. 

Still captivating.

And still Wonyoung. 

“Gaeul?” Wonyoung finally said her name, as if she was testing it, making sure it was the right one. 

Gaeul had to admit, she imagined this moment sometimes. If Wonyoung decided to come back. What was going to happen? What was she going to feel? But for some reason, hearing her name come from Wonyoung felt different now. 

The woman used her real voice, low and defenseless. The kind she used when she didn’t want to pretend. Gaeul didn’t like how it caught her off guard.

Gaeul nodded at her, holding a small smile that never reached her eyes. “Hi, Wonyoung. Nice to see you again.” 

It was short, simple, and polite. It was enough to show that there was distance between them, that Gaeul wasn’t showing more than she wanted to. But she meant it. It was nice to see Wonyoung again. But at the same time, she wasn’t sure if this was a good thing. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to deal with this. The universe had its way of testing her always, and she honestly didn’t like it. 

A part of her wondered if she said the wrong thing. Because Wonyoung was just staring at her, probably seconds longer than she should have. Like a kid seeing something strange for the first time. Gaeul wondered if this was her unlocking memories, if she was trying to go through her rolodex of people she used to know and tried to find the right card to identify her. 

“You…” Wonyoung finally spoke, hesitant to get her words out. She stammered but quickly recovered. “You work here?”

Another nod. “It’s mine.”

Wonyoung was never the type to show her emotions so easily, but surprisingly, she wasn’t entirely hiding it from Gaeul. 

She stammered again, letting out an amused laugh. “W-Wow… I—” she tried to find the right words, circling her finger around. “This entire place is yours.”

Gaeul’s brows furrowed, nodding her head again but slowly now. She wasn’t sure how to take that reaction. “Yes,” she said again, flatter this time. Then she sighed. This was getting awkward, and she didn’t like it at all. Gaeul raised her hand and pointed towards the back. “The book you're looking for is at the back, the third shelf going to the left. I believe it’s by the end.”

For a moment, Gaeul expected Wonyoung to immediately leave the counter and look for the book. She already turned around, organizing the papers she had in her hand so she could keep them properly and come back to it later.

But the feeling she had inside her chest felt strong. Intense. Like she was being watched. She looked behind her shoulder and saw that Wonyoung was still standing there. Just… looking at her. 

Gaeul faced her again, wondering if she needed something else— 

“You never said anything,” Wonyoung said before Gaeul could even get anything out of her mouth. 

She blinked, not expecting the tall woman to say that. Her brow twitched by instinct. “Why would I? I thought you were in Seoul.”

That probably sounded ruder than she hoped. But it was true. Why would she say anything? They haven’t spoken to each other since high school, and Wonyoung didn’t make the effort to reach out to her either. 

Wonyoung pursed her lip, nodding. “Right,” she muttered, but then her brows furrowed. “No one told you I came back?”

Gaeul shook her head, observing Wonyoung’s expressions. “No. I haven’t spoken to anyone since high school.”

There was a visible discomfort that flickered in Wonyoung’s eyes, Gaeul caught it. Of course, she did. She always could notice these things, and it showed that it never faded with her memories and feelings. 

“I see,” Wonyoung muttered again. Gaeul hoped that was the last thing she would say. Because she had to admit, there was tension between them. Gaeul could tell that Wonyoung wanted to say more, but she tried her best to show how vast the distance was between them. 

There shouldn’t be any more reasons for them to keep talking. 

The more that Wonyoung kept talking, the more Gaeul felt threatened. Her heart was reacting. Her memories were resurfacing and she needed to stop them. Before she succumbed to something that died so long ago and the effects might be irreversible. 

“It’s surreal,” she added, and that made Gaeul go still, puzzled by what she meant. Wonyoung took a breath and tried to smile. “You loved reading so much, and now you own a bookshop. That… That makes sense.”

She remembered that.

But she shouldn’t be saying these things.

“I studied it too,” Gaeul answered back, not wanting to give more details.

Wonyoung kept her expression, trying to sound friendly. “That’s cool.”

She was probably waiting for a follow up. That Gaeul would ask her the same thing, what she did in college, what she took up, what she was doing now.

Gaeul wasn’t going to give her that satisfaction. There was a reason why she never bothered having social media. She didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to see.

Wonyoung was supposed to continue living her life without her and it was supposed to be that way. Her being here was unnecessary, and Gaeul didn’t care about the fact that she was a customer. 

She took a deep breath in and exhaled quietly, the walls around her heart were still strong. 

“I’ll get the book for you,” she said instead, leaving the counter to head towards the shelves. Her movements weren’t rushed, she didn’t run away from Wonyoung, this was her in her element, something she had been doing for the past year. 

There was no reason for her to act out of impulse, to act on her emotions. Gaeul knew what she was doing. Because Wonyoung was a customer. Just a customer. So she didn’t have to be treated differently.

Gaeul could hear the heels against the wooden flooring. Wonyoung was following her. But she could tell that there was distance between them. But it didn’t help that it felt like the shelves were getting narrower as she kept walking. She didn’t like that the world behind them was getting quieter, the music was fading out, the sounds of fingers typing on keyboards were muted. 

She felt trapped. Suffocating.

With ease, she found the shelf, the spine of the book Wonyoung showed her, swiftly took it out from the shelf, and politely handed it to Wonyoung, making sure their fingers didn’t brush against each other. “Here,” she said, voice still void of anything.

“Thank you,” Wonyoung muttered.

Gaeul didn’t wait anymore, she calmly squeezed herself past Wonyoung, tried to stop breathing her fruity scented perfume, and slowly walked back to the counter like always. 

She really hoped that Wonyoung would just buy the book and go. She didn’t want her to stay longer anymore. This entire thing had exhausted her. 

But to her dismay, Wonyoung walked back, the book in her hand, and she didn’t move towards the tables, nor did she decide to leave. She went back to the counter, still lingering, still waiting. 

This was all too much for her. “You can borrow it, or read it here,” Gaeul said, just like how she did with her customers. She pointed towards the window. “We have tables there on the side if you like.”

Instead of agreeing, Wonyoung stared at her for a good moment. “You look different,” she said softly.

Gaeul immediately raised a brow, unsure what that meant. Her first instinct was to deny it, saying that she looked exactly the same. Because she didn’t particularly do anything to make herself look different. But then, she realized it didn’t have to always be external.

“I am.”

“I really didn’t expect to see you here,” Wonyoung added.

“I know,” she answered before she could even think.

Big mistake.

“You know?”

Gaeul took another breath. 

Of course she knew. Wonyoung would never come here on purpose. But it wasn’t an accusation. It was just factual. Something that she knew. She always knew. 

“I didn’t expect you to come here either,” she said instead, deflecting it. 

Wonyoung opened her mouth, stammering again. “I… I started reading.”

That made Gaeul raise a brow. But she shouldn’t say anything else, shouldn’t engage with that statement. She didn’t want to indulge if it meant that gave Wonyoung another reason to stay longer. “That’s good, Wonyoung.”

“Yeah, and my friend recommended something and… she told me to come here,” she explained, then—she looked up at her, their eyes meeting again. “I’m glad I did though,” she said softly, voice still soft as ever. 

For a moment there, she felt something. 

Comfortable.

Warm.

Familiar.

But Gaeul banished it before it could reach her. 

“I’m open until eight,” she said politely. She remained professional, she still kept that boundary, still kept that distance between them. She needed Wonyoung to know that there was no other way to get closer. It wasn’t an invitation either. She was just being polite.

Wonyoung took a moment before responding, her hands clutching the book. “Okay, thank you,” she said, also polite. 

A part of her knew that Wonyoung wasn’t going to come back after this.

It was always like that.

She left whenever she wanted to, and Gaeul was fine with that.