2017
“Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you actually were able to live the same lives as the characters in the books?”
“I think I’d die.”
“W-What—Wait, why?”
“Wony, this is a murder mystery book. I’m not particularly smart enough to find out who the killer is. They might get to me first, and I wouldn’t be able to solve the mystery.”
“Unnie, what are you talking about? You’re super smart.”
“Not as smart as you.”
“Still. But I mean—I know you read fantasy books. Have you ever wanted to live in the same universe as them?”
“Sometimes. I would like to study magic if it were possible.”
“You seem like the type to do that.”
“What about you? Would you like to live in the same universe?”
“Maybe.”
“What would you do?”
“Whatever I want. Sometimes I just want to know what it feels like to be free, you know? No rules, you get to be by yourself, or with people you like. Do the things you want to do.”
“You can still do that in this life.”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I believe in you, Wony. You can do anything.”
“Thank you, unnie. I think you can do the same thing.”
“I guess.”
“Hey?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re the best. I love you.”
“...You’re also the best. And… I love you too.”
Present
She lived a simple life.
Followed the rules, studied hard, graduated with high honors, got her first job, hated it, resigned, and thought about what to do next.
Her brother supported her decisions, allowed her to live quietly, didn’t bother coming back to the past, and actually did something that made her feel whole. Gaeul realized along the way that she didn’t need to be extravagant to feel fulfilled, she didn’t need the fancy titles, the big achievements, to have her name engraved in history.
Allowing herself to be free was all she needed to do.
It was only until then when she realized that this was what she really wanted. A hobby that she decided to study, which became her present, and maybe her future.
Making it all happen wasn’t easy either. Because she had to find the perfect place for it, the capital, the supplies, figuring out what else to sell, choosing a name. But she was able to do it. The bookstore opened almost a year ago. Her brother was there to help move the furniture, help with fixing the cracks on the wall, paint everything, install the lighting, organize the books. Everything.
This used to be a passing thought back then, and suddenly it was real. It was her present. She was happy. Probably beyond that. She didn’t care if she couldn’t earn enough, she didn’t care if she didn’t have a single customer in one day, she didn’t care if people passed by and never gave her store a second thought. She didn’t care.
Her bookstore was hers. It was built up from her blood, sweat, and tears. Something she could call her own, something that she was actually proud of.
It may be lonely. But it didn’t always have to be. In college, she made some friends, until she got herself hurt again. But she knew they were different. She couldn’t keep letting her haunted memories of the past prevent her from functioning like a normal human being. It didn’t have to consume her unless she allowed it to. That was what her brother taught her. She had control of her life, not these thoughts, not these feelings.
Not anyone.
Not Wonyoung.
Thoughts and memories of Wonyoung had been shelved and stored away inside her mind for a very long time. Gaeul was able to sleep through nights even if the glimpses of their last goodbye still played in the background. Because she was determined to live a life without being so caught up in her past.
She could do it.
It was doable.
Perhaps it was the reason why she loved the bookshop so much.
No one from her past knew about it. She never posted about it on social media, never broadcasted her life like that, if they found it, then it was by chance. It felt like Gaeul unlocked a secret and allowed herself to be in it. There were little to no chances for her to meet anyone from the past, no one to resurface memories, and no one that she had to worry if they were going to stay or not.
This was perfect.
She wanted to keep it that way.
Afternoons like this always reminded her of autumn.
The kind where it showed the true colors of the wooden panels on the wall, how it still shined bright but wasn’t enough to hurt. Gaeul could feel the breeze getting colder, the need to constantly wear a jacket, staring at trees as the leaves slowly turned a different color. Sure, she loved spring more, but nothing could compare to the beauty of fall.
She had customers that day. Some lingered by the corner of the shop, sitting with a book, some had their laptops or tablets on the table and worked quietly. The scent of old books and the coffee beans that were kept inside her storage room was what made Gaeul feel at home.
The coffee beans made her feel a little more motivated than usual.
Her coffee machine was arriving that afternoon. Her brother insisted on getting it, since he believed it would attract more customers. Gaeul only had experience of making coffee because of him, and he enjoyed it so much that they both invested in that coffee machine.
Perhaps she should call Yujin up to help her with taste testing. Gaeul could only trust her opinions. Maybe Gaeul should make the menu too. But what would she serve? She only knew how to make an espresso. She could take the time to learn more, but that would take so much effort.
When she managed to catch herself, she shook her head to stop herself from thinking too much. She didn’t want to get herself too excited. It might make things hard for her to focus.
It was fine. One thing at a time.
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