The Shadow of You

2021

They used to be something. 

Gaeul remembered everything. The little details. The kind that she kept inside her heart forever, where it was protected by her fragile soul. 

She remembered how they first met. How their parents told her to take care of Wonyoung because she was younger. She remembered how their relationship slowly grew, how it became precious, important, intimate. The kind that made her feel things that she never felt before.

Wonyoung grew up to be prettier than all the girls in their batch. Gaeul remembered a time when that didn’t matter to Wonyoung. Back then, what mattered was that they were together, they weren’t separated, and that nothing was more important than their friendship.

Gaeul remembered when that friendship became something more than that. 

In the garden of their house, underneath the tree her grandfather planted many years ago, shoulders touched, fingers were laced together, hushed words, and brown eyes that started to mean something more. 

For a moment, Gaeul thought that Wonyoung felt the same. 

Because she was always there, always close to her, always choosing her like it was as simple as breathing. 

It was scary, but a part of her believed that it was fine because there was nothing to worry about when they had each other. Wonyoung told her that. Gaeul couldn’t remember if it was a promise portrayed in her words. But it mattered that she felt it. 

Until it slowly disappeared.

Until Wonyoung didn’t look back. 

Until Gaeul was desperate to remember what it felt to be held by her. 

Until she was told that she wasn’t enough, she wasn’t prettier, she wasn’t smarter. 

Wonyoung was better. Prettier. Smarter. 

She remembered how it felt. 

Wonyoung walked forward, away from Gaeul, and never looked back.

Her Wonyoung. Her Wony. Now a distant memory.

Gaeul wasn’t sure how to live her life like this. Where she was left with nothing, left with no one but herself. 

She never asked why, never fought for it, never questioned Wonyoung. Because she wouldn’t be a good friend if she didn’t think that Wonyoung was having a hard time as well. Wonyoung had important things to deal with. The pressure she had from her parents, the expectations, the comparisons to her older sister. 

Gaeul told herself that she was going to be fine. She was going to simply allow it, and that she just needed to adjust, and figure out what to do with whatever she had left. She had to constantly tell herself that she was going to be fine. 

Even if it wasn’t. 

But she had to. She had to learn how to live like she was fine, or else she was going to lose herself too. 

Gaeul was already at the side, watching the crowd go wild as the ceremony ended. 

Everyone was loud, they had parents and friends with them, they took an endless amount of pictures. The sun of the late afternoon was starting to set, the golden rays blessing the entire place. 

A part of her wished that this was going to make her feel better. That once she stepped out, she was going to stop feeling like there was something missing. Maybe if she stayed a little longer, watched people a little longer, allowed her heart to feel a little longer, then she might get the closure she needed.

It didn’t. 

Even if she wasn’t going to admit it, her eyes were searching. Through the sea of velvety blue, through the familiar yet unfamiliar smiles, listening to the sounds of their cheerful and tearful words. She still tried to look for her. 

She really shouldn’t be doing this. 

But then she felt foolish. Because it wasn’t difficult to find Wonyoung. She was surrounded by almost everyone. Her parents, her big sister, the friends that replaced Gaeul. Her neck was wrapped in so many medals, sashes upon sashes placed over her shoulders. A big bouquet of flowers, her diploma. 

That smile. 

Gaeul tried to ignore the clench inside her chest. She wished that the three years apart from Wonyoung would make her forget about the feelings she had. But they were still there. Throbbing inside of her. Breaking her heart by each second. 

Wonyoung was going to Seoul. Of course she was. Her parents sent her big sister there, so it was natural that she would follow. Everyone knew she could do it, they always believed in her. Gaeul believed in her. But she never wanted Wonyoung to know. 

Three years of distance between them felt like it was an eternity. That it happened so long ago that she forgot to hold onto the memories. Those moments where they could have fixed it but Wonyoung chose to be quiet, chose her silence, and chose her people. Gaeul was removed from her life already, and she had to accept the fact that this may be the last time she would ever see Wonyoung again. 

It would have been easier if Wonyoung told her she hated her. But she didn’t say anything. Gaeul was left in limbo, haunted by the what ifs, constantly wondering what was the reason why. 

She finally forced herself to look away. 

Her big brother stood tall behind her, asking if she was okay, if she should see her friends. Gaeul shook her head. A part of her wanted to find an excuse to stay longer, but she really had no reason to. But the words couldn’t come out of her. 

“Hey,” a voice caught her. Gaeul stilled. She knew that voice too well. She slowly turned around, and Wonyoung was standing there. Hands free from everything she was holding earlier, the only thing she brought with her was an uneasy smile. 

Gaeul straightened herself and gave a small smile. “Hi.”

Before anything could be said, her brother told her they would wait by the parking lot, and for some reason, Gaeul allowed him to leave her. 

What was she going to do?

“Congratulations,” Wonyoung finally said. Her words were there, but Gaeul couldn’t feel the warmth to it anymore. Something that had faded out a long time ago.

She nodded. “You too.”

Gaeul didn’t mean for it to come out dry. Colder than how she used to be with Wonyoung. 

The sounds of their classmates were still loud, some were still shouting around them, laughing boisterously, the sounds of cameras clicking. Gaeul felt like they were trapped in a bubble, one where she wished she could escape but her heart desperately wanted to stay and find out what Wonyoung wanted.

“I heard you got a scholarship,” Wonyoung said again, fidgeting on her spot. 

Gaeul almost reacted, but her expression remained still. How did she know that? “Yeah,” she muttered. “Just for the university here.”

Wonyoung’s gaze flickered for a moment. Like she wasn’t sure what to say, how to answer her. “It’s—” she stammered for a moment. “It’s still something. I’m really happy for you, Gaeul.”

She really wished Wonyoung could just tell her what she wanted, because this was starting to feel wrong. She wanted to say that Wonyoung didn’t have to do this. Talk to her as if it was going to erase everything that happened to them.