You Remember The Feelings Again

2019

Wonyoung never believed anyone when they told her that Gaeul wasn’t that special. 

They never really gave her a second thought, never acknowledged her in the way she deserved. They treated Gaeul like she was an idea that they could easily shrug off, an afterthought that didn’t matter. It got tiring when their parents almost always compared them with each other. It didn’t feel right, and Wonyoung never liked it. 

When she was told to be friends with Gaeul, she was incredibly eager to do so. Wonyoung loved making friends with anyone as long as they had the same energy as hers, that they needed to keep up with her and her level of intellect. But meeting Gaeul for the first time made her realize that there was value in trying to slow down. 

Gaeul wasn’t talkative, she wasn’t open with her expressions. She was a shy girl, face framed by big glasses and with a posture that didn’t show confidence. Wonyoung didn’t think her friendship was given to Gaeul like she was a charity case. Everything Wonyoung felt, her intentions, her actions, they were deliberate and sincere. And because of that, she discovered that the shy Kim Gaeul wasn’t just that. She had a mind that reached to different parts of the world, soft words that were given because they meant something, it held value that no one else took the time to appreciate. 

With Gaeul, Wonyoung didn’t care about the comparisons, the back-handed comments towards her friend, or the ones that said that she was better. Wonyoung didn’t care. She stayed by Gaeul because she wanted to. Because Gaeul made her see something about herself that no one could ever see. 

Simplicity. The calmness of the breeze that brushed through leaves that surrounded them, through the leaves of Gaeul’s tree in her backyard. 

Gaeul loved her books, she loved the characters she came across, the plot twists, the stories that made her emotional, or engrossed, or excited enough to share the plot with. It was the kind of thing that was shared to Wonyoung that she knew deep down inside that she needed to protect it no matter what. Because no one was going to understand that side of Gaeul. They never would. 

Wonyoung always wondered why she was in this position now. Looking at Gaeul at a distance that she had created for reasons she couldn’t fully understand. 

Her parents kept pushing. Her sister was too busy trying to be perfect to be on her side, and Wonyoung didn’t want to disappoint anyone. 

But she still chose to hurt Gaeul by walking away like that. 

She hated it. How Gaeul tried to reach out to her and she purposely didn’t give her hand back. She hated how her decisions had made her this miserable. How she thought that this was better than the truth. 

Wonyoung felt it before she could catch it. The slightest feeling of attraction.

Because to her, Gaeul wasn’t a girl hiding behind books and large glasses. She was something much more than that. She uttered words that mattered and listened to Wonyoung because she genuinely cared. She had a smile that could have launched many ships, a voice that calmed any kind of storm, brown eyes that made Wonyoung want to drown in forever. 

Gaeul didn’t know that this was who Wonyoung was. If she knew the truth about Wonyoung’s feelings, then she might’ve not accepted it. Gaeul might not like it, and why would she give a reason for Gaeul to hate her? That was the last thing she wanted.

But she kept asking herself that question over and over again. Would it hurt more if Gaeul rejected Wonyoung? Or if she walked away and pretended that they never existed in the same space before?

“Wony,” Hayeon, her new friend and the popular girl in their batch called her. She was pointing at her nails, looking at her with genuine excitement. “What do you think of my nails? The color is perfect, right?”

She wanted to scoff. Such a shallow thing to be happy for.

Yiseon, the other girl who hung out with Hayeon leaned forward and squealed. “Oh my god, it is cute!” Then she turned to Wonyoung. “Maybe you should get the same color, Wony!”

Wonyoung forced a smile. The name didn’t sound right when they said it. She wanted to hear it from Gaeul again. She forced herself to nod her head in agreement. “Yeah, definitely.”

The two didn’t catch her short response, and it was evident that they didn’t care as they continued to ogle at fake nails and petty things.

This was tiring. But she knew that being with them was safer than anything. No one was going to compare her to Gaeul anymore, nor were they going to pick on her because Wonyoung decided to stay away. It was safe. It was the best way to protect Gaeul. 

She glanced at where Gaeul was standing but felt a little empty when she realized that Gaeul was gone, already walking towards a direction Wonyoung wished she could follow. 

Was this really worth it?

Present

Wonyoung couldn’t count the many times she stood in that spot. It was exactly one block away from the bookshop. She arrived at the same time, almost every day since bumping into Gaeul in the parking lot.

She knew that she couldn’t be seen from where she was, but it was enough for her to recognize Gaeul’s familiar figure working behind the counter as always. Doing her routines, entertaining customers, working on her coffee, organizing her books, talking to Yujin. 

The counter. The coffee machine. The spot where Yujin always stood. Wonyoung’s table, which was against the window, was almost always empty.

“Don’t come back to the bookshop,” Gaeul’s words echoed in her head. “If you have no good reason to come back, then don’t.”

So every day since then, whenever Wonyoung thought she had a reason, she would go to the bookshop at the same time she always would. But when she felt like the reason wasn’t good enough, she remained on her spot, contemplating, trying to weigh her reasons; anything that would be acceptable for Gaeul. 

But each time she did, she always thought she came with nothing. Because all she could think of was that she wanted to. She wanted to be there. She wanted the coffee, to read the books Gaeul had, to smell the bookshop. To be close to her. 

They weren’t good enough reasons. 

But she always kept coming back to it. 

Wonyoung wanted Gaeul to forgive her, to tell her that it wouldn’t be the same as before, that maybe she was brave enough to tell her the real reason why left her all those years ago. But every time she rehearsed these in her head, they sounded more like excuses than actual answers.

Gaeul didn’t deserve excuses. Which was why Wonyoung couldn’t go back inside the bookshop.

She looked at the small building one last time. Her sight was locked in on Gaeul’s moving figure, making coffee in her comfortable silence. Her jaw clenched, turned around, and walked away again.

The music playing in her ears wasn't enough to drown her thoughts into nothingness. Not even running on the treadmill, feeling the burn in her muscles, nor the numb pain against her chest were enough to make her forget. 

Being a defeatist was never in her vocabulary. But she hated how lost she felt at that moment. 

It wasn’t like she needed a correct answer, she realized that a little too late. Because all she wanted was an answer.

Wonyoung knew very well that she hurt Gaeul. Because she walked away all those years ago. From that time they talked after graduation, from her years of silence, from showing up constantly. She thought consistently being there was going to make Gaeul realize that Wonyoung had changed. But in the end, she left. Again.

She needed to stop thinking or assuming that she knew what was good for Gaeul because it was obvious from Gaeul’s reaction that it really wasn’t. They needed to talk and Wonyoung needed to finally tell her the truth, because there was a lot to unpack. A lot to acknowledge, and Wonyoung had a lot of questions to answer.

Questions that were already thrown at her, but she was too chicken shit to even give an actual answer. 

“Don’t come back to the bookshop,” Gaeul’s words echoed in her head once more. “If you have no good reason to come back, then don’t.”

She felt useless. 

Thinking that she was smart enough to figure things out, but in reality she was just as lost as she was all those years ago. 

Wonyoung could still feel everything, remembering everything. The hurt in Gaeul’s voice, the fear that showed in her eyes, the rawness of her words that cut too deep. Wonyoung knew that if she had a good reason, it had to be more than the word. It had to make Gaeul realize that Wonyoung made the mistake.

Although, admitting to Gaeul about her feelings might be too much. Because she knew Gaeul didn’t feel the same. After years of getting hurt by her, why would Gaeul reciprocate it?

That was another thing that she had to dig deep to find the answer. 

What were her feelings for Gaeul? Were they even enough?

Wonyoung knew that saying what was in her mind and heart wasn't going to fix anything.