Comfort Food

The familiar feeling of the tiled floor was strong and the scent of oil and grime, maybe the garbage bin shook her awake.

Jimin blinked, trying to focus her sight, hoping to be greeted with an atmosphere of clouds and snow. But it wasn’t. It was dark, a blackish abyss of nothing. When she was able to make sure she was awake, she realized that she was looking at an empty ceiling. The fiber cement boards were missing, and she could see the electrical lining and rusty pipes.

She knew where she was.

Without wasting time, Jimin stood up, patted her body frantically and when she felt the coarse material and Velcro of her bulletproof vest pass through her hands, she knew what was happening.

Her right hand reached over and sure enough, she felt her gun settled in her holster. At least she was prepared this time. Jimin took a few steps forward, it wasn’t the snowy field, nor was it the plain full of daisies.

It was the train station. And Jimin could only hope that Minjeong wasn’t here.

She took careful steps, passing quietly along the station, taking the stairs down and hoped that when she turned the corner, she would still be alone. Or she would be early enough to stop the inevitable from happening.

But she could hear herself panting loudly, almost like she was gasping for air. Her heart was beating faster than before. Scared she was going to see him again. Him with his arms around her again. She was scared it was going to be too late again.

Why was she walking so slow? Why wasn’t she running? Why couldn’t she grab her gun?

Jimin tried to grab her gun, but for some reason she couldn’t. It was like she was a ghost, and her hand was passing through the gun like it was nothing but an illusion. Her heart was beating even faster. She wanted to wake up.

Jimin whimpered, tears already flowing from her eyes, panicking, scared. She felt the gunshot pass through her abdomen. She could hear gunshots from left and right and it made her moan louder. Jimin just needed to grab her gun—

“Jimin, Jimin. Hey, it’s okay! I’m here. I’m here.”

Jimin suddenly stopped, she realized that she was sitting up on her bed and Aeri was holding her. She gulped, feeling her chest rise and fall erratically and she blinked. Her sight trying to fixate on her best friend that was kneeling in front of her “A-Aeri? What—” she cleared her throat, “—what are you doing here?”

Aeri pointed to the door, Chaeyoung and Mina were standing there, worried. Looks like they went out somewhere and they just got home. “We had drinks and they invited me over for coffee. But we heard you and I knew you were having a nightmare.”

“Fuck.” Jimin’s eyes were wider, and she wiped her face roughly with her hands. Finally able to stabilize her breathing. “Was I loud?”

Chaeyoung shook her head, “Just whimpering. Plus, I kinda sensed it.”

Mina then nodded and looked at Jimin with soft eyes. “Would you like me to make you tea, Jiminie?”

She nodded, that always helped. “Yes unnie, I would love that.”

The older woman smiled and then left Chaeyoung’s side to go to the kitchen. Her roommate pushed herself off the doorway to walk closer to Jimin and Aeri. “You okay? It’s been months since your last nightmare.”

“Yeah, did something happen?” Aeri asked, standing up and sitting next to Jimin on her bed.

It took a while for Jimin to answer. Thinking and trying to remember her last nightmare. It had been a while; she had to admit. And usually when she knew she was having them, it was very short lived. Most nights she rarely had them, or she didn’t remember. But the ones that were so vivid and that occurred the most so far were her dreams with Minjeong.

Fuck, she wondered if Minjeong heard her. Her mind was just thinking about her so suddenly.

She shook her head, burying it in her palms. Maybe she shouldn’t think about the girl for now. “No, nothing happened.” She answers.

Aeri and Chaeyoung looked at each other and then Chaeyoung pointed at her bed. “You wanna change the sheets?”

“Yeah, I should.”

Jimin sighed deeply. Her eyes were heavy, her head was spinning, and the exhaustion was starting to get the best of her. Going to work was difficult, getting out of bed and dressing up for the day was a chore. And it concerned Jimin because it felt like all her progress just went down the drain.

She considered buying sleeping pills. Maybe she was desperate because ever since that night, she had not been getting any good sleep.

The nightmares had been consistent. In her dreams, she would wake up at the train station, staring at the broken ceiling, walking through the dark corridors, passing through abandoned train carts and then eventually taking the stairs down towards what she dreaded to relive.

And the events in her nightmares were the same. Like the past wanted to repeat itself for torture.

The man that always was standing and shouting, holding a gun, preaching, about to kill. An event she refused to remember.

But it was like that. That was how her nightmares were always like.

She knew where the bullet was going to go, she knew she could dodge it, she could run to save the girl in time, and she could attack the assailant instead.

But each and every time it happened, each scenario, each nightmare, they all resulted in the same way.

The girl died. Either in her arms or because she was seconds late. Jimin was very much aware that there was a separation of what happened in real life and what happened in her nightmares. But the pain and the experience were just the same.

Jimin would always wake up abruptly after; breathing heavily, sweat dampening her sheets, sometimes she would cry, sometimes she panicked and then would call Aeri in the middle of the night. On safe nights she would wake up feeling calm enough to take her meds by herself.

But there were moments where she wished she could have those dreams about Minjeong again. Where they were in the middle of a field filled with snow or daisies and Minjeong would just cup her face and tell her it was not her fault.

A part of her wished she didn’t complain about those dreams because she desperately wanted to have them all over again.

Stacks of papers fell on her table, some slipping out and Jimin quickly caught it, making her sigh and looking up.

Aeri smirked at her. “I honestly don’t know if I should change my nickname for you. Stupid cheese cat seems to be useless now since you’re now a Cookie Monster.”

Seemed that Aeri was still trying to cheer her up about the nightmares. But Jimin didn’t know if she was in the mood to indulge her again.

She scoffed at her best friend and grabbed the papers, tapping them on the table gently to even them out. “Is there something you need?”

“A cookie,” Aeri said immediately and that made Jimin glare at her, making her friend laugh out loud now. “Jesus dude, I did not expect this from you.” Then her expression softened. “Plus, you look on edge. Just wanted to help.”

Yeah, Jimin was definitely not in the mood. It could be the lack of sleep. She was not usually this grumpy but she couldn’t help it. But maybe she should try, Aeri was doing this with good intentions anyway.

“If you have nothing important to tell me, then you can fuck off, Officer Uchinaga.” Jimin said condescendingly, trying to hide a grin.

Aeri laughed at that, but it died down quickly. Then there was silence.

Jimin wanted to be concerned but she ignored it. It was probably nothing. Though, her curiosity took over and she glanced up at Aeri, who looked like she wanted to say something.

“Okay, for real, what’s up?” Jimin asked her.

Aeri pursed her lips, fixing the holster around her waist and then sighed. “I’m just… checking on you, well, the sarge too. Said she’s worried about you sometimes.”

That made Jimin freeze. Wanting to snap the pen she was holding, but she restrained herself and then exhaled deeply. “Tell the sarge I appreciate it.”

“I think she wants you back on patrol,” Aeri stated bluntly. “I don’t want to beat around the bush, you know me, but the sarge thinks you’re better off out there than holding yourself here at the station doing files.”