Chapter 57: Much Needed Study Break

Monday | April 8th, 2024 | 5:56 PM

I don't understand how Minju can play this game for hours and hours. Just sitting here on the client screen was already making me annoyed and frustrated. League of Legends is so not for me, but I couldn't help turning it on in my free time. Was this the influence of the League geek? Speaking of which, I scrolled through my friends list and noticed Minju wasn't online.

Shocker. Considering classes were nearly over right about now, and I'd imagine Minju doesn't have any late classes today, this was pretty much prime time for her to grind. I clicked on Minju's profile to inspect her. Out of all the games Minju played, it's almost all only solo ranked. A few match-history games of Teamfight Tactics here and there, but for the most part this is all she played. What a die-hard.

I wasn't in the mood for any more games, even though I just finished and played only one. The game was too tilting for me to continue on. I turned off my monitor and looked around my half-empty dorm room. It was within this quiet state where my thoughts slowly returned. I could feel them creeping in like a low tide. I didn't want to be alone with them.

It's been a few days since that argument between Chaewon and me. We've texted back and forth, but it's been different. Well, no, not really. I’m exaggerating but I feel so guilty about that night that I overthink every single message I send to her. Chaewon's messages remained friendly, maybe even a bit overly sweet, like she was still treading on thin ice just as much as I was.

It was weird though, because if I was feeling like crap, she had to be feeling it too. I just know it because I know her. But she acted normally. I was sure if I said anything else about that fight she'd bite my head off again. I was so terrified of the possibility that I just tried to act normal too. We went back to how it's always been, at least on the surface.

I know it wasn't healthy. Burying the problem doesn't solve the problem. I know that. But I also didn't know what to say. It felt too late to say sorry now without it being weird since I didn't say it in the moment. But the thought lingered. Shit, it’s still hitting me to this day. This wasn't okay. But I just didn't want to rock the boat again. At some point, I had to bite the bullet. Chaewon deserves better.

Next time we see each other in person, I thought. I'll say it then. That was my plan. An apology over the phone means nothing. I need to swallow my pride, sit in front of her and apologize for my fuckups.

I leaned back in my chair and ran a hand through my hair, letting out a heavy sigh that sat deep within my chest. I still had so much to study for anyways, finals are creeping around the corner like a monster under a bed. Chaewon was right, my actions mattered more than my words. I need to prove to her that I'm trying and that I care.

Okay, new plan for now. I got to get my crap together. One step at a time. Step one: pull myself out of this goddamn slump and actually do some work. I turned my monitor back on, squinting at the bright screen that I'd only just turned off. I closed the League client. That was a distraction. I clicked open my lecture notes for my English class. Lord knows I don't pay enough attention to that boring class.

Miyeon could attest, I'm a napper in that class. Combine an early class with a slow-talking professor and it's a recipe for disaster. Miyeon has probably saved my ass multiple times without me even knowing or realizing. I pulled up whatever reading material we've been going through this semester.

The next step after this would be to actually read them. But geez, having everything pile up on you is just the worst. Not only that, but I have other classes after this that I needed to catch up or refresh on. The idea of doing any of it was like trying to climb a steep wall of mud. I pulled my eyes open and forced myself to read about the themes and symbolism in some story I had no interest in. Five minutes later, my brain already felt like soup.

Fuck me, Minjae. It's really not that hard. I swear I'm not stupid. I am totally, perfectly capable of learning this stuff. It's just... doing it. That's the hard part. Just do it. Be a normal student. I have no idea why it's such a monumental effort for me.

You know, I always heard about that thing about your brain not using a lot of its potential. I think my brain, he's just a lazy fucker. He's just sitting in the control room with his feet up near a big red button that's labeled "Motivation."

Either that, or maybe I'm already using my brainpower for other things. Weirdly enough, I saw myself looking at the bottom of my bed out of habit. Panties, that was where some of my brainpower was being spent. I'd rather sort and take inventory of my collection than study right now.

Matter of fact, I was already getting out of my chair to dig out my collection. As I was on my hands and knees, my phone buzzed from my desk. I rolled over and reached up, grabbing it. My mouth almost went dry:

Haerin

are you busy right now?

My fingers froze on the screen. The last proper conversation we’ve had over text was ages ago, and it was about Christmas. That should tell you how long it's been since we've last texted. Sure, we mostly interact in person, but even so.

Her text was sent just a minute ago. I could easily ignore it and go back to doing what I was doing before, which is pretending to study until I actually do. But that wouldn't be right, I haven’t talked to Haerin in so long. Besides, I was in need of a well-deserved distraction:

not at all, wassup?

I put my phone down and laid my back on the floor, my legs coming up on my bed frame as I waited. I was back. Back to thinking. Did I reply too soon? Do I come off as desperate? Am I thinking too much? Did I put too much emotion into that reply? I smiled to myself. You know, it's been a while since I've overthought about a conversation between the two of us. It was almost nostalgic.

It didn't take long for the blood in my legs to start to tingle and for her to reply with a message:

Haerin

im so stressed rn haha

i really hope i pass all of my classes

The bookworm is stressed? That made me feel better about my procrastination:

that makes two of us then lol

Haerin

lol

have you started studying?

I scoffed and texted a quick reply:

tried to

cant seem to focus

She started typing. Then stopped. Then typed again:

Haerin

same

ugh

i think its getting to me haha

i just tried to eat candy just now and popped an eraser in my mouth

I laughed. A real, genuine laugh that echoed in the quiet emptiness of my dorm room. Of course she would do something like that. I could picture it so vividly. Her face scrunched up in confusion then dawned with absolute horror. I quickly texted her back:

LMAOOO

seems like the stress is reallyyyy bad

Haerin

it really is

Then, another small pause. Then:

Haerin

id call hanni or dani to hang out

yk destress or something

but they're busy