Saturday | April 6th, 2024 | 9:11 AM
"Mmm," The soft, sweet groan came from behind me as I slowly turned my head back. Chaewon was starting to stir. The sun had painted golden stripes through her window and across her bed, one of which now fell directly across her face, making her nose crinkle cutely as her eyelids started to flutter open. I turned my phone off from where it had been up near my face, setting it aside after my morning doomscrolling while I waited for the sleeping beauty to wake up.
I rolled over onto my other side to face her, not trying to wake her entirely with my movement. My eyes drank in the sight of her messy brown hair spread across her white pillows. The peaceful, utterly serene expression on her face. The way her cheeks puffed out slightly as she breathed. God, I don't deserve this.
Her quiet sighs were basically hitting against my face. If I'm being candid and honest, her morning breath wasn't the most perfect but I could care less. Being here with her like this was heaven. Every second that passed by was another second of me pointing out the bits and pieces that made her face. She really is perfect.
She let out another sleepy groan and blinked a few times, her slowly focusing on my face. A small, warm smile bloomed on her lips. "Morning," she rasped, heavy with sleep.
"Morning," I raised an arm from under the blanket, my index finger hooking a stray strand of her hair. I didn't try to fix it. I just curled it around my finger, letting my palm rest against her cheek.
She hummed and leaned into my touch, her eyes closing again, basking in the warmth. I could stay here all day and just hold her. Her lips parted slightly as she sighed. There was a slight shift and she scooted an inch closer to me. There it was. That feeling.
My world shrank to this bed, to this space between our bodies. Nothing mattered more than this. I would let the world burn down if it'd saved us for last. She moved an arm lazily over my body to my stomach and rested her head right under my chin. I squeezed her tight in return and buried my face in the crown of her hair, taking a deep breath. That sweet, gentle scent.
I looked over her head, straight at the empty bed opposite of us. "Sakura's not back yet," I murmured.
"Mmm, no," Chaewon whispered, still not opening her eyes completely. "She's sleeping over her boy thing's house." I hummed in acknowledgment, letting that information sink in. An entire night and a whole morning. Just us. It was selfish, but I was happy to hear it.
"That's good," was all I could say as my arms wrapped fully around her petite frame. I held her close, my hands flat against the soft fabric of her t-shirt, right at the base of her spine. I took a deep breath, breathing in her scent again. Vanilla, strawberry, something clean and soft.
"What do you want to do today?" she asked, her words muffled by my skin. She placed a soft, gentle kiss against my neck. "It's Saturday."
"I don't know, up to you," I said softly.
I could care less about what we did. Anything was fine by me, as long as it was with her. We could go to a park. A museum. Or just lay in bed and talk, or not talk, for the next ten hours. The specifics didn't matter. The past week had been stressful to say the least. My days and nights were consumed with anxiety. That's why I needed this weekend to revolve around her. I had needed an escape, and this was the only thing that worked wonders for me.
Her head shifted and I looked down to see her looking up at me, her eyes still soft and sleepy. Her finger started to make small, absent circles over my heart. "We could..." she drifted. She was glancing around the room in thought. "We could stay in bed. We could catch up on the show we started... We could...I don't know, just go out and find something."
"The park could be nice," I suggested.
"The park," She said to my chest. "Nah, that'll be boring. Maybe some other day."
"Sure, yeah," I whispered.
"How about downtown," she said. "Maybe find a good café? Go thrifting? Something like that?”
"That sounds perfect," I agreed, running my hand back and forth slowly over her back. "Should we get some breakfast, then?"
"Yeah..." she yawned, a long, drawn-out sound that was contagious. I had to stifle my own. After letting out a sigh, she tilted her head back, her sleepy, beautiful eyes finally open and properly looking at me.
Her smile widened, and she leaned up to press her lips against mine. The kiss was slow and sweet, a gentle hello that faintly tasted of her minty toothpaste from last night. A simple, loving kiss. For a fleeting second, all the rot and decay that had been festering inside me just... dissolved. Just vanished, leaving only this feeling of pure, unadulterated rightness.
I was still smiling into the kiss, which she took her sweet precious time to break. Her eyes were open and sparkling when she pulled back, just an inch from my face. "Come on, lazy butt, let's get food," she gently pushed away from me with a quiet laugh.
"Lazy butt," I echoed, "I was waiting for you to wake up for like half an hour."
"Mmm, thank you for waiting, then," she pecked my lips again and gave me that teasing smile. With a groan that was a little too dramatic to be real, she threw her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. Her body arched as she stretched her arms above her head, her back making a few satisfying popping sounds. That t-shirt she slept in, an old gray university tee that was probably two sizes too big for her, rode up, revealing the smooth expanse of her lower back.
Not only that, I grinned at her mint green cheeky panties that decorated her cute little butt perfectly. I couldn't help myself as I reached over and gave her a light smack and a squeeze on her right cheek. She jumped in surprise, turning to look at me with an indignant smirk playing on her lips. "Hwang Minjae," she warned, but her eyes were dancing. "Don't start something you can't finish."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I chuckled with mock-offense.
"It means," she started as she turned her back completely on me. I saw my opportunity. I lunged forward, quickly grabbing her by the hips and pulling her back down onto the bed, holding her tightly against me.
She squealed with laughter, squirming in my grip. "No! Let me go! We have to eat," she gasped between giggles. Her fingers dug into my forearms as she playfully struggled. All it did was make me hold on tighter. "Okay! Okay! I give," she laughed, finally relaxing her body. I dropped my arms and let Chaewon get back to her feet. She turned back, pointed a finger at me, that pretty smile on full display. "You're terrible."
"You know you love it," I murmured, sitting up on the edge of the bed. Her knees touched against her thighs as she stood between my legs.
She rolled her eyes playfully, clasping her hands against my cheeks and looking down at me. Her bright, shining eyes that I was so obsessed with. "And I also love having my pants on in public. So chop, chop, get dressed. You can stare at me all you want later," she pecked me on the top of my forehead. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
She played with my hair for a bit before she gently pushed away. I stood up after her, watching her find her shorts to slip into. "How about I cook dinner for tonight," I suggested, stroking her hair and fixing her messy appearance for her. "We could go out, buy some stuff and bring it back to the upstairs kitchen."
"You don't have to," she said, gathering her toiletries.
"It's fine, I'll cook something for you and Sakura. It'll be nice," I continued, trying to imagine a nice dinner to make us for the night. I was on the fence of making pasta or some type of extravagant steak type of dinner.
"Is your little heart set on being a housewife for me tonight, Minjae?" Chaewon murmured, pulling out a towel from their closet.
"Yeah, no. That's exactly it. So be ready to be wowed with my cooking," I laughed. I couldn't get over the way her face softened. Maybe it's that she's never really had anything like this in a while, but I could tell she appreciated gestures like these. She gave a genuine smile.
"Okay," she conceded.
I stood there admiring the view for a bit, before sighing and dragging myself to my overnight bag that I'd thrown on the floor last night. My phone buzzed on the bed behind me, demanding my attention. A quick glance at the screen showed a slow slew of notifications, a growing waterfall of them crowding my home screen.
Chaewon chuckled, "I'll meet you in the bathroom in a bit. Remember to knock." She winked and she shut their dorm door behind her as she headed down to the communal bathroom. I laid back down on the bed once I heard the door close, looking down at my phone and finally gave myself an opportunity to address them.
It was the Goobers. Well, actually, it was a new groupchat. There was no name nor picture which told me this was just made. I looked through the members list first, recognizing everyone's names in it. Oh, actually, I see Nakyung here too. She actually wasn't in the original groupchat.
I also realized that one particular person was left out, the incoming messages telling me the reason why:
Yejihey guysss i know yall are just waking up but i wanted to ask as early as possible
jinhos birthday is next week and i was thinking we should do something
Haechan
im down
Wooyoung
hell yeah im down
Joy
like go out or something?
Saerom
we could eat at a nice restaurant
Haechan
a nice restaurant would be too quiet for his birthday lol wooyoung is going to get banned from the place
Wooyoung
shut the fuck up
Joy
OH i know a nice place in hongdae we can book
Yeji
i was thinking more of a surprise party lol
Haechan
OHHHH that can work
Sana
at someone's house?
Joy
waittt my house is actually free next week
Yeji
actually?
Joy
yeah! the parents will be gone for a week
Sana
OMG YAYYY PARTY
Haechan
betttt
Wooyoung
we havent hung out in so long haha
Nakyung
im down for a party
Yeji
joyy imma text you more details okay!!
we'll do our usual stuff, drinks, snacks, etc
i think it'll just be us? no need for another repeat of joy's party lol
Joy
ughhh the cleaning was bad lmaooo
but my parents will never knowwww
Yeji
lol ill let yall know more details later! keep it a surprise from him!
The conversation had flown by while my thumb was just still, too slow to hop in on it. Jinho's birthday was next week? The dates in my head had all started to blur together this week. But if I was really honest, I really suck with birthdays. The only birthdays I really remember are Nakyung or Chaewon's. Oh, mine too, but that's obvious enough.
I read the messages again, and then a third, and a fourth. A faint prickle started at the back of my neck. The mention of Joy's last party snagged on some frayed wire in my memory. God, that felt like a lifetime ago. That was the first heist me and Nakyung did together. It was really the first time Nakyung pushed me to do something stupid, something as absurd as climbing along the side of a house to break into a bedroom.
That's where a familiar sickness started to creep back in. I scanned the names again. Joy, Wooyoung, Haechan, Sana... Tzuyu. Her absent presence in the chat was louder than any message she could have typed. It's not like she wasn’t added to the groupchat and if Sana was replying then that meant Tzuyu was seeing this too. I remember last week, when I spent an afternoon with her.
Conversations were sparse and short but I think she really appreciated the company. We didn't talk much, I just made comments about stuff around us and she just responded. It made me feel better than it should've. Eventually Tzuyu needed some rest and I walked her back to her dorm to see her off properly. As I was leaving, I told her to text me whenever she felt down again and I'll be there to talk.
I never even considered that she might be in contact, but maybe all the reassurance in the world wouldn't help.
I was hoping she'll come too. I wanted a proper excuse to check on her, to make sure she was doing okay from a distance. I think Sana's presence would coax her into a good, comfortable environment for a party. I set my phone aside and covered my eyes with my arm. I didn't need to worry today. Today's a rest day. Just a few more minutes of peace, please.
Saturday | April 6th, 2024 | 11:21 AM
"All I'm saying is that their Americano isn't that good," Chaewon said, stirring the iced vanilla latte I'd just handed her. We were sitting at a small table near the window of an overcrowded cafe, the morning light streaming in and making the dust motes dance in the air. The chatter of the other patrons, the clinking of spoons against ceramic, the low whir of the espresso machine, it was all a distant, comforting hum that cocooned our little table.
"They put too much water in it. It's basically just coffee flavored water," she concluded, scrunching her nose up in disgust. I kept taking sips of my Americano, disappointed she was right. Too bland, too watery.
"Could've warned me while I was ordering it," I teased, a genuine smile touching my lips. I reached across the small table and took her free hand, my thumb stroking over her knuckles.
"I tried to," she retorted playfully, giving my hand a light squeeze. "I kept trying to tell you but you wanted to be Mr. Independent and told me to save the table."
"It's okay," she said after she took another long sip of her latte, her gaze softening as she looked at our linked hands on the table. "This makes up for it."
Yeah, that made up for any watered down coffee in the world. My thumb kept tracing slow circles on her skin. "Let me try that latte," I asked, already leaning towards her. We let go of each other's hands as we swapped drinks. It was fine. Sweet. A little too sweet for my liking but still better than what I had.
"Eww, too sweet for you?" Chaewon guessed as soon as I made a face.
"Just a little." Chaewon sipped the offending americano from my cup, her nose and eyes scrunching shut at the weird, bitter taste. "Yeah, you wasted your money," She coughed, sliding my cup back over to me with a disgusted laugh.
"Speaking of wasting my money, where was that thrift store you wanted to go to?" I asked, glancing outside at the bustling street.
Chaewon, in the middle of pushing a stray hair out of her face, followed my gaze, "It's not too far from here." The sun, bright and unfiltered through the large window, caught her profile, highlighting the gentle slope of her nose. A soft smile appeared on her face. "They have the cutest vintage tees," she said, her thoughts already skipping ahead.
"Yeah?"
"Mhm," she hummed, her eyes still scanning the street. "Maybe we'll find something good for you. I'm tired of seeing you always wearing those plain black t-shirts." A subtle grin appeared at the edge of her lips as her eyes looked over at me from the street.
"I happen to like my black t-shirts, thank you very much," I said defensively.
"They're comfortable, I get it. You want comfortable. But," she gestured up and down with her free hand at my attire for the day, "you can look comfortable and good at the same time."
"I do look good, babe."
"You do," she admitted immediately and a little too eagerly. "Now imagine if the shirt wasn't... well, this."
I rolled my eyes but was smiling. There was no fight in me. "Alright, alright. You're the stylist for the day. Your wish is my command."
That seemed to please her a great deal. Chaewon sat back in her chair, taking another big swallow of her latte. "Good," she said. We continued our drinks in relative silence after that, a comfortable silence that settled around us. We had pulled out our phones to scroll through for a bit, a modern-day habit of just being together without needing to talk.
"Ah, are you going to be free next week? For..." my eyes scanned the group chat one more time, "...next Saturday? It's Jinho's birthday and Yeji's throwing a surprise party for him."
"Hmmm, yeah I think I'm free," Chaewon replied, taking another sip of her latte. "Yeah, next Saturday, what time?"
"Not sure yet," I mumbled, "I'll pick you up of course. You're going to spend the night at my dorm with me after, I don't feel like dropping you back off that late."
"Hmm, you're probably not even going to be sober enough to make that drive if we're being honest," She teased lightly. I knew that was more than likely. "Besides, I don't get to spend nights at Casa Minjae often enough."
"Casa Minjae," I repeated back with a chuckle, "that sounds so stupid."
"But you're going to secretly start calling it that, aren't you?" she pointed out correctly.
I shrugged and finished off my Americano with a grimace, deciding I could force my way through the rest of it.
Her expression softened as she took another sip of her drink. "Is everyone gonna be there?" she asked casually.
"Ah, yeah, I think so," I looked at her, my gaze probably giving away more than I wanted. Her keen eyes seemed to notice my hesitation immediately. But thankfully, she didn't press it. She was sweet like that sometimes. She let me have my secrets.
"You should probably get something fun to wear then," she said with a sudden smile. She pointed outside the cafe. "The store is a few blocks down. We can go now if you want?"
"Let's go," I agreed instantly, shaking the ice in my now empty cup. "After you, my queen." I stood and bowed dramatically, gesturing for her to lead the way.
She laughed. God, I love her laugh. She took my hand, her fingers laced with mine. "Alright," she squeezed it and began to pull me towards the exit. "Come on, let me give you a well needed makeover."
"Right," I rolled my eyes, a grin spreading across my face.
She pulled us into the busy Saturday streets, weaving through the sea of people with a confidence that I admired, the warmth of her hand keeping me tethered to her as I walked into the sunlight. Her small frame was bobbing and weaving expertly through the crowd like she had eyes in the back of her head.
Chaewon's city wasn't that much different from mine. It seemed just as lively as the last few times I've been over here. Street food stalls sizzled and smoked, their tempting smells of tteokbokki and hotteok wafting through the air. The sounds of K-pop blaring from speakers of a clothing store mixed with animated chatter of teenagers and tourists. Chaewon, ever in her element, pointed at different stores, giving me a running commentary of her experiences there.
"This place has cute socks, but way too expensive," she'd say, not slowing down.
"Ah, I got that bubble tea there once with Sakura. It was way too sweet," she'd shudder as we passed.
I found I wasn't really listening to the specifics, my eyes were trained on her face, the way her nose would crinkle with distaste at the mention of a shop she didn't like. The way her eyes seemed to twinkle in the sunlight, and her smile. It didn't take long for me to completely tune out the city and focus on her.
She abruptly stopped as her eyes lit up after spotting our stop "Right here!" she chirped.
The thrift store sat between a sleek modern cosmetics shop and a record store that looked ancient, its window display filled with dusty vinyls from a bygone era. A brightly painted sign in a bubbly, handwritten font that simply read 'RE-VIVE' hung above a glass door plastered with band stickers and old movie posters.
Inside, the air was thick with the scent of old fabric, leather, and something that I could only describe as memories. The small store was packed to the brim with racks of clothes, a chaotic but colourful mess of textures and patterns that spilled into the aisles.
Chaewon commented on it, "Why does every thrift store smell the same?”
"Attic," I mentioned. Chaewon nodded, "Yeah, that's it. Like my grandma's attic."
We let go of our hands, and Chaewon instantly dove into a rack of graphic tees, her slender fingers flipping through the hangers with practiced efficiency. I scooted aside and idly thumbed through a nearby rack of flannel shirts, the worn softness of the fabric a familiar sensation under my fingertips.
"Okay, I know you like anime, but would you ever actually wear this?" Chaewon called out, holding up a faded black t-shirt with a giant, garishly colored Gundam mecha on it.
"Probably not," I chuckled. She grinned and hung it back on the rack, resuming her hunt. I turned back to my rack, my eyes scanning over the usual checks and plaids until something made me stop. Dark green corduroy. My interest was piqued. This jacket, its color reminiscent of a mossy forest floor, was simple and unassuming.
I unpinned it from the rack and tried it on. The sleeves were a fraction too short, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, and it fit snugly across my shoulders. I looked at my reflection in a small, dusty mirror propped against a nearby shelf. "What do you think, Chaewon," I asked, looking over to find her now holding up a hideous fuzzy pink sweater.
Her eyebrows furrowed for a moment at my jacket before a warm smile spread across her face. She stepped closer to me, her hands came up to smooth down the collar of the jacket, her touch gentle. "I think it looks good on you," she said.
Chaewon leaned into my side to see both me and my reflection. She looked from me, then back to the reflection, a thoughtful look in her eyes. "Turn," she commanded, her hands moving to my shoulders, guiding me to spin on the spot. The fabric swished slightly as I turned.
"Very nice. Very nice," She finally declared, leaning against me. "You know how to pick out good clothes, but you still choose pick to wear a plain black shirt whenever you're given the choice. You are your own fashion crisis."
"I think the problem is you just expect a little too much out of me." I argued, feigning offense. "It's like I'm not enough for you," I played dramatically.
"Oh my god," Chaewon laughed, shaking her head as she turned away from me to continue browsing. I draped the jacket over my wrist and kept at the other racks, but my attention kept drifting back to Chaewon's happy exploration of the vintage clothes.
The small, crowded thrift store, which on entry had felt like a chaotic dungeon, now felt... intimate. The narrow aisles forced us into close proximity, and each accidental brush of an arm or hip sent little sparks through me. The loud, cheerful music of the band playing from the store speakers seemed to create a bubble around our small space, isolating us from the rest of the world.
"What's the deal with the pink," I asked as I came up behind her while she was reracking an unwanted shirt. The fuzzy pink sweater was amongst the clothes in Chaewon's hands.
"This? Hmm," she said, looking at the sweater again. Then she hovered it over her existing top, the fabric fuzzy and bright against her petite frame. "I want to give it to Sakura as a joke. I want to see if she'll actually wear it out," she shrugged.
"And if she doesn't?" I played along.
"Then I just wasted money," Chaewon answered.
I chuckled at her as she admired her reflection with a grin. "It's hideous," I told her.
"Right, it's so perfect for Kkura." She sighed. She then spotted another rack of clothes and headed towards them as I just stood by and looked for other things I could wear.
As I started scanning through a rack of vintage looking denim jackets, she was calling out to me from across the store, her words slightly muffled by the racks of clothes between us. I heard them though, clear as a bell.
"Minjae! You have to see this." Her tone held a sort of glee, as if she'd found a prize.
I turned to look but she was hidden behind a tower of old coats and colorful dresses. I started to walk over. "Coming," I responded. "Find the holy grail of ugly sweaters?"
She giggled from behind a rack of clothes. "Sort of. Just come here, Minjae," she beckoned playfully. I made my way over and saw her holding up a baby blue sundress. It had small white daisies printed all over it, with delicate spaghetti straps and a sweetheart neckline that would probably accentuate her collarbones. "What do you think?" she asked.
"It looks pretty," I agreed, reaching over to feel the material. "It fits a more summer vibe. Are you gonna get it?"
"Maybe..." she said, stepping back to hold it against herself. "I think it'd be really cute at the beach," she beamed.
"It's very you," I said simply.
"You always say that when I show you a pretty dress," she smirked.
"Does that make my observation invalid?" I questioned.
"Never. You're right after all," she smiled, leaning up to give me a quick kiss. Her lips tasted sweet from her lip balm. As she pulled away, she draped the dress over her arm, her eyes already scanning for her next find.
The rest of the trip in Re-Vive carried on in much the same way. Chaewon was throwing shirts against my chest for my opinions as I continued to look for myself. Eventually, I found a grey graphic tee with a simple silhouette of a running wolf printed on the left pocket area. I found another white tee that looked comfortable enough.
She walked toward me, holding yet another shirt up against my chest. It was just a simple muted blue shirt. But as she held it there, her eyes looked at me with a look that told me she saw something more in it. "Okay I stand corrected, cool colors suit you more," she said to no one in particular. "This. This is the one."
"This one is the one what, exactly?" I chuckled, glancing down. I did like the blue color; it was a subtle, dusty sort of blue that didn't scream for attention.
"Your replacement! This blue fits you better than black," she chirped. She went through the different shirts she had held for me to try. Her arms were becoming a forest of hangers, with the baby blue sundress hanging over her elbow.
"Alright, we're done here then?" I chuckled.
"For me, yes. Are you done?" She nodded towards the green corduroy jacket still draped over my wrist. "You need something that goes with that."
"I've got the shirt. That's a solid two new additions to my otherwise depressing wardrobe," I joked. “Plus I have these.” I held up the wolf shirt to Chaewon who glanced back and forth at me and the shirt.
“That’s not that bad,” She commented, but I noticed a little twitch come across her left eye. If she was going to lie, I’d rather she hide it better.
“I hate you, I’m putting it back,” I sighed. Her eyes widened, “No, I’m serious! We’ll find another!”
Chaewon pouted, an expression she knew weakened my resolve. "Hmm." She scanned the store one last time, a hunter looking for one last trophy. I reached out and grabbed her by the head, forcing her to look in the direction of the checkout counter at the back of the store.
"Nope, we're done. You've ransacked this poor store enough," I said playfully, steering her towards the counter. She didn't fight me, but I could feel her sigh against my hand.
"I'm fine with this," I lifted the corduroy green jacket from my wrist and then her own blue shirt and white tee she found from the forest of hangers in her arms. "And my two shirts, and that ridiculous fuzzy pink sweater that costs too much."
"And my beautiful daisy dress," she added.
"And your beautiful daisy dress," I agreed. We piled our finds onto the cluttered wooden counter. The cashier, a young girl with vibrant pink hair and at least five rings on each finger, greeted us without looking up from her phone, her thumbs flying across the screen with practiced speed.
"You're paying for all of this stuff, right? I'm buying and making dinner tonight, remember?" I murmured into Chaewon's ear as she started to dig in her purse for her wallet.
"Oh, whatever."
Saturday | April 6th, 2024 | 6:56 PM
So, pasta it was! The two of us stood in the middle of the pasta aisle of the grocery store, eyeing the various brands of dried spaghetti. It never failed to impress me with how the Italians can come up with so many shapes and sizes for just pasta.
"Okay what are we feeling," I asked, holding up a box of fettuccine. "Are you feeling Alfredo? Or spaghetti bolognese? Or pesto?" The list of possibilities was endless.
The grocery store hummed with a quiet weekend energy. The wheels of a shopping cart squeaked somewhere in the distance, and the faint, rhythmic beeping of a checkout scanner was a steady beat beneath the store's generic pop music.
"Hmm," Chaewon tapped a thoughtful finger against her chin, her brows furrowed in concentration. "We haven't had carbonara in a while. Can you make that?"
"I can," I said confidently. Carbonara was one of the first things I learned how to make when I started university. Seulgi and I had a phase where we'd force each other to learn new recipes so we'd have something better than cheap takeout and ramen to eat. "It's simple enough, all we need to get is some pancetta or bacon, eggs, parmesan, and spaghetti."
"Okay. I vote carbonara then," Chaewon beamed, giving my shoulder a playful shove as she moved to the shelves to grab a box of spaghetti.
"Wait," I called out, spotting the fancy artisanal font on the box she was grabbing for. It costs almost triple the normal store brand stuff. "Really? The expensive stuff?"
"What?" she pouted dramatically. "There's a reason it's expensive. It tastes way better."
"It tastes exactly the same and we both know it." I argued, "Pasta is pasta. It is just flour and water."
"Nuh-uh," Chaewon shot back. "My mom told me that the quality of the pasta matters. It holds the sauce differently."
"Your mom is a food snob," I argued.
"She is, but she's also right. And you're paying, so we're getting the good stuff. Deal?" She said, patting my chest as she dropped the box of expensive artisanal spaghetti into the cart we were sharing. I just sighed, a grin playing on my lips as I gave in.
"The good stuff it is," I conceded, holding up my hands in mock surrender. Her smile widened, victorious, before she turned to lead the way towards the dairy section.
"You said pancetta right?" Chaewon called over her shoulder, already peering down the long, refrigerated aisle.
"That's an option, yes. But we can also get pre-cut bacon. It's easier to cook with," I suggested, pushing the cart slowly behind her, the wheels making a gentle rumbling noise against the linoleum floor.
"But pancetta has more flavor," she murmured, her eyes scanning the various packets of cured meats. She had this habit of getting lost in her own little world when she was shopping. It was... endearing. And I also started noticing a pattern with her expensive tastes.
She tapped at the glass of the refrigerated display case, her eyes lighting up as she found the small packet of neatly diced, ruby-red pancetta she was looking for. "Alright, this one." She slid the door open and plucked it out, dropping it next to the artisanal spaghetti.
"You're asking for a lot for someone who isn't paying," I noted dryly, wheeling our cart behind her as she strode purposefully towards the dairy section. I watched her as she went, the way she moved with a quiet certainty, and I couldn't help but smile. She doesn't need to know this, but I would've brought the entire store if she asked.
I'm joking, by the way. I don't have that money, but if I did, well, you know, maybe.
"You're complaining a lot for someone who wanted to cook even after I said we could just order in," She retorted over her shoulder, her hair swaying with every step.
"Touché," I said, "I just wasn't aware I fell in love with a gold digger."
She turned around so fast I almost crashed into her, a dramatic gasp of mock offense on her face. She swatted my arm. "I'm not a gold digger. I just have taste."
"It's one and the same in my book, but we can agree to disagree." I smirked.
She rolled her eyes and turned back around, muttering something that sounded a lot like "You're lucky you're cute" under her breath.
As I followed her into the dairy section, we loaded up on a cartoon of free-range eggs. It wasn't that much different from the other eggs pricewise so I wasn't too fussed. Chaewon insisted on finding one of those massive, solid wheels of Parmesan that we had to grate ourselves because the pre-grated stuff 'tastes like dust'. It took a good minute of talking down in the middle of an aisle for me to tell her that we were at a local supermarket and how wildly unlikely they would have a giant wheel of Parmesan lying around.
"The little plastic bag stuff it is, then," she said dejectedly.
"We'll survive," I assured her. "Besides, I'm pretty sure they sell tiny wedges of the proper stuff."
"Alright, let's go, then," she urged, taking the lead once again. She was looking down aisles as we walked, more than likely on the lookout for something to catch her eye so she could toss it into the cart and make me pay for it.
Hmm, maybe after we make dinner, we can watch a movie. I still had that list of movies I've been meaning to get through but haven't had the chance yet. Oh, actually, this American rom-com just came out on Netflix a few weeks ago. Maybe we can watch that tonight? Chaewon would like that. I'm sure of it.
"Hey, Chaewon," I called out but Chaewon jumped up ahead, followed by a squeal before she disappeared around the corner of an aisle. I shook my head with a confused chuckle as I turned the corner myself, expecting to see her pointing at some ridiculously overpriced snack.
Imagine my surprise when I saw her hand in hand with Sakura. The two girls were holding each other as if it had been years since they saw each other even though they share a room and a dorm.
"What's up, what's up," I smiled. Sakura and I exchanged polite greetings, a quick bow and a smile.
Holy shit. This guy's a freaking monster. I noticed the guy standing behind Sakura. And when I say standing, I mean standing like the bouncer for a club. This guy had at least half a foot on me, and I'm already kind of tall. The man's shoulders were so wide I think they have their own postcode. A plain black t-shirt stretched taut across a chest that looked carved from granite, his arms thick and vascular.
Sakura noticed my reaction, and turned to introduce him.
"Oh! Minjae, this is Cha Changhyun," Sakura said cheerfully. "Changhyun, this is Chaewon's boyfriend, Hwang Minjae.
Ah. The boy toy. Chaewon definitely left out some key details.
"What's up, man," I extended my hand toward him. Changhyun's hand completely swallowed mine. It was like shaking a warm, fleshy brick. He gave me a single, firm pump.
"Hey," he said. His voice was a low rumble, almost impossibly deep. "I heard a lot about you." He nodded his chin at Chaewon, "Says a lot when she doesn't shut up about you."
"Oh, shut up," Chaewon came forward to hit Changhyun's arm lightly. He laughed it off before wrapping his arm around Sakura's waist and pulling her closer to him. He looked down at her, all muscle and raw power dwarfing the small Japanese girl. This guy is her boy toy, no doubt.
I coughed and shook the thoughts of their bedroom activities out of my head, for my own sanity. "What are you guys doing here?" Chaewon asked.
"Ah, we just came to get some stuff," Sakura said and pointed to the cart Changhyun was pushing. I looked over. There were two six-packs of some dark beer I've never seen before. There were other things, like steak. The kind of cuts that cost as much as my new jacket sitting in the car.
"I see you guys are also having a date night in," Sakura observed, pointing at our cart full of ingredients for carbonara. "Don't let Chaewon bully you Minjae. There's no reason to buy all those expensive things."
Chaewon gasped and feigned offense. "He offered!"
"There is no reason for you to buy brand-named eggs when you know we buy the simple regular stuff for home all the time, Chaewon," Chaewon scoffed at the comment but kept her silence, a small smile playing on her lips.
"Is that your beer?" I decided to speak to Changhyun instead while the roommates' talked it out.
"Yeah. Good stuff. Mostly for Sakura, though, she loves drinking even though she sucks at it," He chuckled.
"So we're just suckers for our girls, huh," I joked back.
"Yeah, seems like it," He gave me a knowing, friendly look. "You play sports?"
I almost laughed. It seems like everyone that I meet for the first time has the same exact thing to say. "Yeah, I play some volleyball. That's about it."
"Nice, that's dope. I'd never picture you in it though," he said looking me up and down again. "I would've assumed baseball or basketball."
"Oh, wow, thank you I guess," I retorted dryly. He laughed again. "What about you, sports?"
"Basketball, I play for our university's team," he mentioned.
Looking at him, up and down, I was right to assume. If there was ever a type of person that was meant for the court, it would be him. Even the baggy gray sweats he had on made him look like an athlete.
Sakura and Chaewon turned back to us and Sakura looked down at the items in our cart. "Let's let them go, we still need to get a few more things and I know Minjae's probably excited for your dinner," she said, with a playful wink at Chaewon.
"It was nice meeting you man," I nodded at Changhyun.
"You too," He said, giving me a small smile followed by a wave. "See you two later."
Sakura waved and gave Chaewon a little hug, "I'll be home late, save me some pasta if you have leftovers," she whispered loudly enough for me to hear before she skipped over to Changhyun. The giant wrapped a massive arm around her shoulder, and they disappeared down another aisle. I turned back to Chaewon, who was already steering the shopping cart towards the cheese section.
"So, you definitely undersold the boy-toy situation," I quipped, finally speaking the thoughts that had been running through my head.
Chaewon laughed, "Did I? I didn't think so."
"Chaewon, he looks like a mountain range has come to life."
"Okay, okay," she giggled, swatting my arm playfully. "But he's really nice! He's sweet to her and that's all that matters."
She shot a look at me, "What, are you intimidated?"
"Terrified," I deadpanned, but with a smile. "I feel like a garden gnome next to him."
"Ugh, you're so dramatic." She sighed, "What? Are you afraid he's going to eat us for dinner instead?"
"My carbonara would be wasted," I lamented.
"Okay stop it now," she laughed. I grinned and followed her as we finally found the cheese aisle. She then started lecturing me about the nuances of cheese and how the shredded stuff should be illegal. The sight of her so passionate about something so trivial made me shake my head and chuckle.
"You are actually such a snob," I pointed out as I placed a wedge of real parmesan into the cart.
"You keep complaining, but when you start moaning over dinner later, I'm going to make you eat your words."
I raised an eyebrow but decided I wouldn't continue that line of questioning. We started wheeling the cart towards the front, but Chaewon had other wishes. "Dessert," Chaewon announced suddenly. "Carbonara is not complete without something sweet after."
"You want ice cream?" I asked, glancing at our cart and back at her.
"Ooo, ice cream does sound good," She chirped.
"Mint chocolate chip," I stated, my eyes meeting her. It was a toss in the dark since it's been so long, but the smile that grew on her face told me I hit the mark.
"Of course, you remember," She muttered playfully. "It's a win for both of us!" It's funny. I actually don't like mint chocolate chip ice cream, but she thinks we both adore it. I never had the heart to tell her back then that I actually just like vanilla. The mint is kind of too much for me. Yet after all these years, here I was, sucking it up again for her. I am but a weak man for her happiness.
After grabbing the pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels, as well as a box of strawberry pocky she just had to have, our shopping adventure was over. We reached the self-checkout line, and I started scanning our items as she dutifully bagged them, her movements practiced and efficient.
"Geez," I winced when the final price flashed on the screen. My wallet silently screamed in protest. "I'll have to find a real job if I want to keep spoiling you like this."
Chaewon laughed as she packed our fancy cheese with our artisanal pasta. She leaned against my side as I typed in my card pin, pressing a kiss to my shoulder. "You knew what you were getting into," she reminded me, her voice a soft murmur against my shirt. "You're not allowed to complain now."
"By the way, how's that been going? Internships and all," She casually added as the machine chimed, signifying the transaction was complete. I froze for a microsecond, my fingers still hovering over the screen before I pulled the card out. Her question hit me like a sudden wave of cold water. I was reminded of how my life was going outside of her city.
"Oh, nothing yet," I tried to say as casually as possible, waving my hand dismissively. The roadmap I had laid out for me had faded to a blurred and vague destination. I haven't even looked into looking for internship openings or anything like that, let alone applying. All my free attention has been dedicated to other stuff as of lately.
"Ah, I see," She sounded, her tone neutral as she grabbed the last bag.
"Yeah, I should probably check some out soon. With the semester being almost done and all." I replied, trying to sound more nonchalant than I felt. Chaewon offered me a small, knowing smile as she guided the cart toward the exit.
"Don't stress about it, you still have some time before summer," she said, rubbing my arm. "Time flies, it's already almost time for finals."
I hissed, "Shit, yeah, I need to pass these if I want a passing grade in my class at all." It just felt so far off and now it was just right around the corner. I should've realized something was wrong when I started feeling the weight of the cart more significantly.
I slipped up. Chaewon's grin had faltered for a brief, almost unnoticeable second. She must have caught my flippant comment, the carelessness in my tone about my academic responsibilities.
"What does that mean?" She asked, her light expression hardening just a bit.
I mentally kicked myself. So much for a relaxed evening. I could try to backtrack, but she’d latch on. "I just..." I stalled, gathering my thoughts as we approached the automatic doors, the humid city air rushing in to meet us.
We walked out of the grocery store, the afternoon sun was now beginning to dip lower in the sky, casting long shadows across the parking lot. The heat of the day was starting to lessen. The parking lot was mostly empty, and we walked along the heated asphalt in an awkward silence for a minute as I formulated a less pathetic-sounding response.
"I've just been slacking," I admitted finally, the words tasting like chalk in my mouth. "I haven't exactly been keeping up with my classes."
The silence that followed was heavy. She just kept walking, her shoulders squared, her grip tightening on the side of the cart. "Oh." was all she said. I risked a glance at her face, trying to spot a hint of what was going on inside her head. Her brow was furrowed slightly, her lips pursed. It was her classic thinking face.
"I thought you said your midterms were fine?" She inquired. My first lie. I sighed. "So when I texted you like two weeks ago, and we had that conversation about our midterms, you told me you were comfortable with the grades you got back. So what's the issue now?"
"Shit, Chaewon," I sighed. I unlocked my car and started loading the grocery bags into the back seat. She glared at me as she helped toss a couple into the back. Chaewon never said anything after and only slid into the passenger seat after she tossed in what she had. The car door closed with a soft thud, sealing me in with my impending doom.
I started the engine, the low thrum a welcome distraction, and pulled out of the parking spot. I didn't look at her, my eyes fixed on the road ahead.
"So you were lying to me," she stated after a couple seconds. It wasn't a question.
"Yeah," I admitted.
"I should've known. Kazuha mentioned she did shit on that exam in that class she had with you. She mentioned you but I thought she was just confused since I thought you said you were 'comfortable'," she sighed. It was just a quiet breath of air.
My stomach twisted. This was just another layer to the mess. I was caught. My mind raced to find the right words, the perfect combination of honesty and damage control, but I came up empty.
The silence dragged on for a few red lights. I could feel the anger and disappointment radiating from her, a palpable thing that filled the small space of the car. I glanced over. She wasn't even looking at me. She was staring out the window, watching the city blur past.
I knew why Chaewon was really mad about me lying. It was because I had promised her I'd shape up after last semester's finals blew up in my face. We've had those talks where she told me how she felt guilty that I was letting myself slack off and how she was worried about me.
Now I did it all over again to her.
"Have you even gone to class?" She pressed on, her voice small but sharp.
"Of course, I go to class. I just... I don't brush up as much as I should. I should've studied more."
Chaewon sighed and when I looked, she was rubbing her eyes. A telltale sign of her being on the brink of frustration.
"Look, I know how you feel, I-" I started.
"No, you don't," she cut me off, and her tone was sharp enough to make me flinch. "You told me you wouldn't do this again, Minjae." Her eyes were finally on me, shining and unblinking as she turned. Her gaze was so intense I found myself staring forward again, focusing on the taillights of the car in front of us.
"I'm sorry. I have been distracted, I messed up, but—" I tried again but she wasn't having it.
"Distracted with what?" Her voice was raising. "Is it me? You said I wouldn't be in the way of school and your grades. You promised me."
"No! No, Chaewon, you know it's not you," I was quick to try and shut that down. Her being a "distraction" was the last thing I wanted her to hear. She had always expressed her worries about it to me and I had been so careful to make her feel secure about the both of us. Until today apparently, when my big fat mouth got the better of me and now it seemed like everything was falling apart. Again.
"Then what is it," she pressed, her anger subsiding into a deep sigh. "I'm not trying to control your life, but you know how important it is to get through school."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry I lied to you. I've just been distracted. You don't have to get worked up over that one class. It'll be okay," I tried to reassure her but this made things worse.
"I'm not 'worked up over one class,' Minjae," she shot back quickly, "What about your other classes?" That's a good question I wish I didn't have to answer. My silence was apparently telling enough.
"Right. Okay," she stated, the look on her face telling me she had just about enough of my lies. She started looking away now, through the passenger-side window. At least she wasn't looking at me anymore.
The city blurred past my window, a smudge of color and life. I had no other idea what to say, so I focused on navigating the streets that would lead us back to her campus. The silence in the car was so loud that it had my ear ringing.
"Whatever," I finally managed, my voice barely above a whisper. I don't even know what compelled me to talk back. Between the two of us, I was definitely in the wrong. And even then, the words still spilled out of my stupid big fat mouth with a bitter taste.
"Yeah, whatever," She mumbled, "Say that to the professor when you're failing the semester."
Her jab at my failing the semester was a low blow and she was right to say that. But it wasn't a fun thing to hear either. It was so tempting to defend myself again but it seemed I'd just be digging myself deeper. However, my heart, my brain, and my dick work independently.
"Will you get off my ass? I get it, I know I screwed up." I said a little more annoyed that I'd like.
That snapped her head back to me, "Get off your ass? I'm not nagging you for fun, Minjae. I'm allowed to be concerned for your future," Her arms crossed over her chest as she stared at me.
"I'd say I don't think you realized you screwed up but you do! You tried lying to me about it," Her hands made exasperated gestures as she explained.
I gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles white. "I didn't want to disappoint you! I told you a white lie because I didn't want to worry you."
"Lying to me doesn't stop me from worrying, it just makes me angry when I find out," She said, finally turning her head from looking at the blur of buildings outside to look at me. My anger was rising. But I wasn't really angry at her. I just wasn't equipped to handle her genuine disappointment. It was easier to lash out than to just sit here and feel like a failure.
"Okay, I get it," I spat back, my sarcasm a flimsy shield. "Everything is my fault. I lied, I'm not studying, I'm failing, whatever you want to hear. What's next?"
My reaction wasn't going to help me de-escalate things, and I saw that it only flared up her anger. "Don't turn this on me, Minjae. This is your fault and your responsibility! I just want you to take it seriously."
"I am taking it seriously!" I found myself almost yelling, my own words surprising me. "Don't you think I beat myself up over this enough without you having to help me? This is what I get for trying to be honest with you?"
"Honest? It came out because you slipped up!" she pointed at me now, her finger inches from my face. The quiet was gone. Chaewon was leaning forward now, her frustration so bright it felt like the car was shrinking around me. "The only reason this is a conversation right now is because you were reckless with your words when we left that store. Honest my ass."
God, I hate how good she is at arguing.
"So, what do you want from me, then?" I asked, my own volume rising to match hers. My hands threw themselves up in the car in exasperation and annoyance. She didn't say anything for a second. Instead she just scoffed at my question and I hated the noise she made. Chaewon shook her head at me, as if my question was so stupid it didn't need a real answer.
"I want you to care! I want you to try!" She exclaimed. "Don't you get it? I'm on your side, Minjae! This isn't about me being disappointed in your grade, this is about me being worried because you promised me you wouldn't put yourself in this position again. You put it all on the line, again. And then I find out that you're failing, again. How many agains do we have to go through?" Her shoulders heaved with a short, sharp breath.
"I do care, Chaewon! You think I don't?" I tried defending myself. "Just earlier, you said, and I quote, 'Don't stress about it'. That's what I was doing. I failed, I know I failed. I'm going to study to get a good grade on the finals to make up for it. Why are we having an argument over me following your own advice?" My logic wasn't flawless but my temper was blinding me from seeing just that. I was lashing out with whatever weapon I could find. Right now, the only thing I could think of was twisting her words back at her.
"That was before I knew you were failing the semester!" We had stopped at a red light. The hum of the engine was suddenly deafening. Chaewon huffed, "You know how ridiculous you sound? You're being immature, just shut the hell up." Her arms were crossed, like I'd seen a million times before when something was wrong.
"I'm not being immature," I argued anyway.
A beat of silence.
"I don't even know why you're fucking mad, anyways. I'm not mad. I should be fucking mad, though. I'm the one failing school, not you," I looked over at her, the red glare of the stoplight casting a strange hue across her face. Her jaw was tight, her lips a thin, hard line.
"It's not all about school, that's not the problem!" She snapped back and then immediately shut her eyes and sighed.
"The hell does that mean?" I shot back.
"You lied to me. That's my problem! You lied so you could save my feelings and instead it made things a thousand times worse because now everything that you said before that feels fake. All that talk about doing it together and staying on the right track, all of that just felt like you were just saying whatever the fuck I wanted to hear, Minjae." She was rambling but the words were a straight cut.
"Our talk, the one from that night about my finals. You told me you felt guilty about distracting me from school, and I told you that you weren't distracting me. I didn't lie to you then. Yes, I told you I would shape up, and I'm sorry I haven't gotten to that point yet, but I do have finals to look forward to."
The light turned green. "Your apology doesn't fix anything. Your actions have been speaking way louder than your words this whole semester. I'm just worried, Minjae!"
"I said get off my ass! I don't want you to be worried!" I raised my voice again. A mistake. "Just leave it be. Please. You don't get it."
She recoiled as if I'd slapped her. "Leave it be? So I should just stand by and watch you do this to yourself? That's what you want me to do?"
Boiling, it just kept getting hotter in the car. My brain had been overpowered by now, my dick and heart were now just working together to get to the same outcome that they'd both always want. And that's to shut down an argument that I'm losing. Words were piecing together haphazardly, without thought.
"God damn, you're worried about the wrong thing. Before you keep going after my ass, how about you look at yourself first? How about you choose a major and stick with it before you come at me? That's what I am 'worried' about."
It was ugly. A cheap shot thrown from the highest point of a very tall building. I saw the impact before I even processed what I had said. Chaewon flinched, a sharp, short movement. The anger in her face evaporated instantly, replaced by a raw, open shock. She looked at me as if I'd hit her. I had a strong feeling it hurt way worse than that. And for a split second, I wished she had hit me back.
"That's not fair, Minjae," she breathed, and her voice had lost all its fire. "You know that's not fair."
Her expression went numb. Her walls shot up, instant and impenetrable. That was worse. So much worse. There was a wall between us that wasn't there just a minute ago. When I started driving again, it felt like a silent pact had been made that we'd both try our hardest to not say a single word that wouldn't kill the other.
A part of me was screaming to take it back, to apologize so profusely that she'd have no choice but to throw a shoe at me and tell me to shut up while also lovingly rubbing my arm. The other part wanted to keep quiet. Pride. Stubbornness. The need to win, to be the 'less wrong'. So I stewed in my own miserable silence, watching the city bleed past.
Streetlights began to cast their orange glow as the last bit of twilight surrendered to the night. My focus on the road started to tunnel vision as I retreated into my head replaying the last couple of minutes. The fun at the thrift store felt like a lifetime ago. This silence now was a suffocating void, filled with the ghosts of things we'd both said. I glanced over at Chaewon. She was still staring out the window, her cheek resting against the cool glass, her profile set like stone.
I hated this.
My pride had won the round, and now I was sitting in the cold, hollow aftermath with a prize I didn't want and a girl I loved who felt a million miles away.
The streets grew familiar as I got closer to her campus. We were almost there. The thought of our evening ending like this was becoming more and more real. Dinner plans now just ingredients in my backseat, for a carbonara that was now destined to spoil.
I flicked on my blinker, the rhythmic tick-tick-tick of the signal feeling like a countdown. A ticking bomb I had set myself. We pulled into the campus parking lot and I set the car into park before turning it off completely.
The world stopped.
The silence returned heavier than it was on the road. The engine's hum was gone. It was just our breathing, the ghostly glow of the dashboard, and the space that felt so far apart between the driver's and passenger's seat. I looked down at the hands still gripping the steering wheel, my knuckles still slightly white.
Quietly, she unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car. I followed after her, trying to catch her eye as we both opened the back door to get the groceries. A silent, robotic teamwork as we unloaded the car. I was a few steps behind her as we walked towards the dorm building. The plastic bag handles dug into my fingers, grounding me in the small, mundane discomfort.
We didn't speak. All I could hear was our footsteps on the pavement.
Then Chaewon stopped to adjust the bags. Her hair had shifted in front of her face so I couldn't see her fully, just a profile. The way her shoulders slumped, just slightly, made something in me finally, finally break.
"Chae," The name came out softer than I expected, barely disturbing the thick quiet. She heard it. I watched as her shoulders tensed at the sound of my voice, but she didn't turn. We kept walking up to the building's entrance. She fumbled with her wallet to take out her ID to let us in. I took a step forward and moved to take the heavier bags she had. Her hands let up when she registered my touch and she let me take them.
"Let me carry these," I breathed. A weak-ass attempt to salvage the unsalvageable. She didn't answer. She just held the door open for me. I took a step inside with my arms full.
The fluorescent lighting of the dorm lobby hummed down at us. When I turned around, Chaewon was facing me, her face illuminated by the white glow. Her expression was unreadable. She then held her arms out, asking me silently to give her a bag from my own collection. Her fingers brushed mine as I handed her the bag with the carton of eggs. I let out a shaky breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.
"No one's using the kitchen, it's all ours," She commented. Her voice was quiet, and empty.
"Okay." I replied. She walked me upstairs to the dorm's communal kitchen. It was small but it had everything a kitchen needed. An oven, a microwave, a stove, an overused sink. A little dining table with two chairs sat in the corner next to a window that overlooked the campus green.
We both set down our bags on the counter space. The clatter and rustling were the only sounds between us. "I'll go grab the seasoning and stuff from my room, you can get started," Chaewon's face remained completely stoic. She gave me one last look before she walked out.
I unpacked everything. The fancy pasta. The expensive pancetta. The cheese. I was so goddamn stupid. I pulled out a cutting board and a knife, then started unwrapping the pancetta. My movements were stiff, the usual rhythmic ease of cooking gone, replaced by a heavy uncertainty.
When Chaewon came back with an armful of salt, pepper, olive oil, and a couple other jars from their pantry, her expression was still blank. We moved around each other in the cramped space, a dance of silent misery. I turned on the faucet to wash my hands, the sound of the running water a welcome, temporary noise. While I did that, she placed all the ingredients on the small counter space near the stove. I turned the water off and the suffocating silence crashed back in.
I tried again. "Can you..." I paused as I dried my hands, clearing my throat, "Can you grab a pot and a pan from the cabinets?"
She didn't respond immediately. Her back was to me. She opened a lower cabinet and pulled out a small stockpot and a large skillet, placing them on the stove with a quiet clang. Each sound a small, sharp fracture in the quiet.
"Thank you," I mumbled. My hands were sweating. I placed the skillet on the front burner and turned the heat on to medium-low, a sizzle threatening to start at any moment. "Are we doing this together or... do you want me to?"
"You said you were going to make me dinner so," She finally replied, not looking at me, just reaching up to get something from a high shelf.
"Okay," I said softly. I drizzled some olive oil into the pan.
"I'm kidding, I'm obviously going to help. Just tell me what to do," She said, her back still to me. I let out a sigh of relief so quiet I barely heard it myself. That was something, at least.
"Okay," I said again. A little nod, an acceptance of a fragile truce. "You can start by filling that pot with water for the pasta, and put it on high to boil."
She did as I asked without another word. We worked in our assigned roles. I started by crisping the pancetta in the pan, the smell of rendered pork fat filling the kitchen. While I tended to that, she put a generous amount of salt in the boiling water and carefully dropped in the artisanal spaghetti, the long strands slowly softening and sinking into the water.
Dinner continued just like that. Comments, simple directions. We worked wordlessly but in tandem. Like actors who'd forgotten their lines but still knew all the cues. Eventually, we got dinner finished and we somehow evolved from small remarks to short conversation about the cooking.
The food was good. Chaewon was right, the expensive stuff was better. But for the most part, dinner was quiet. We ate in silence, our forks scraping against our plates, my earlier appetite had gone completely but I still forced myself to eat everything in front of me.
We stood side by side, cleaning the dishes and pots for the other students that use them in the dorm. We talked about small things here and there.
"That was good," she mentioned, rinsing the final plate and placing it in the dish rack.
"You were right about the pasta," I admitted. "I still think the cheese is the same either way."
She hummed, a quiet, noncommittal sound. We finished cleaning up after ourselves. Together, we walked back to her dorm room.
Chaewon helped me set up her laptop and I put on a movie for the two of us to watch. Chaewon sat beside me, her arm close to mine, we didn't lean on each other or hold hands.
This felt all so routine, but still felt completely different than any other day. I pulled out the mint chocolate chip ice cream for Chaewon and a spoon. The two of us dug into the ice cream directly from the pint as we continued to watch the movie in near silence.
Surprisingly, Chaewon made the first move when she pointed the spoon at my mouth. I looked at the spoon, then her eyes, which told me to just eat the ice cream. So I obliged. She would take a bite herself, and would occasionally feed me a bite herself.
"I like this part." Chaewon commented, pointing at the screen with her spoon.
"I was going to say the same. I like this part too," I answered softly. At least we found something to agree on. Her arm brushed against mine on the bed and she stopped eating. She looked down at our arms, almost considering closing the gap between us.
"Okay, I still can't believe he actually said that to her," she said, turning away from the movie. Her shoulders finally relaxed as she finally spoke.
"Why not? He's an idiot in love," I shrugged, trying to lighten the mood.
"I know. That's why I like you." Chaewon sighed. She then moved her head to lean on my shoulder. Relief didn't quite cover the feeling that washed over me as her head rested against me. I put my free arm around her shoulder to hold her in place. It felt good to finally relax. Every muscle in my body had ached from holding myself so rigid all night.
But the apology didn't come quickly. I don't think I wanted it to come either. I didn't want to give Chaewon some rushed apology that had no backbone to it. I think she deserves better from me than that. So, we just let it go, the both of us. We ignored the ugly words said in the car, and acted as if everything was normal again.
We sat there, spooning mint chocolate chip ice cream into our mouths, the sugary mint taste doing little to soothe the lingering bitterness in my mouth. It felt safe to assume, if I was feeling like crap. Chaewon had to be feeling ten times worse. But when I looked at her, her face didn't show any sign of strain.
She didn't want to talk about it. So I didn't either.
Still, I knew it was eating her up. I made a huge mistake. How could she even look at me? How could she still lean her head on me right now after what I said. I felt a sick, heavy dread coil in my stomach, but she was calm.
The night seemed to end quickly. The movie was done, and the two of us got ready for bed. Sakura came home but she didn't seem to notice the divide I felt between her roommate and I. Maybe it wasn't even there, and maybe I was the one who was overreacting now. Changhyun had dropped her off and she was all giggles and smiles. We said a quick 'hello', she had mentioned something about getting the leftover pasta in the kitchen before slipping away and leaving Chaewon and I in bed.
I lay on my back, the sheets tangled around my legs, the pillow bunched up behind my head. Next to me, Chaewon was so still. It was a different stillness from her usual relaxed slumber. It was a deliberate stillness. I could smell her shampoo, a sweet scent that normally brought me peace, but tonight it just filled my lungs like a thick and unwelcome smoke.
"Chae?" I called.
"Hm," she hummed after a beat of silence, her back still to me. My eyes traced the curves of her side, the gentle dip of her waist.
"I love you," I said. My quiet attempt.
Her stillness lingered before I heard the soft sound of her shifting in the bed. The covers rustled as she turned to face me, her face illuminated faintly by the moonlight peeking through the blinds. She said nothing. After a second, she had shuffled just slightly closer.
My eyes met hers in the dark. The warmth from her body was undeniable. It made me feel both safe and trapped. I wanted to reach out and pull her into my arms and let her fall asleep there, safe. But my arms felt like lead. A part of me was still locked in that defensive posture from the car, the part that had lashed out to protect a wounded ego. I was so goddamn stupid.
"Yeah, I love you too," She finally said, her eyes fixed on me. We just looked at each other for a few moments longer. That night, we fell asleep, both of us facing each other, a few inches of space between us.
I have to give it to myself. This is geniunely my favorite chapter I've written out of this entire story. It feels so perfect, the slow morning with the girl of Minjae's dreams, followed by the mundane but overall wholesome date only to explode into an angsty crescendo! I wanted to make sure that this chapter hit, and I mean hit more emotionally. I needed to make sure that Minjae experiences a spectrum of emotions, happiness, love, nostalgia, even the negative ones, guilt, anger, despair. Gosh, I could talk a whole bunch about this chapter. In my drafting doc, I literally wrote up a half page outline so I knew how this specific day would move, how emotions rose and fell, the significance of this, everything! The crazy part? Next chapter's outline is even longer! Be on the lookout, because the next chapter may be the only other chapter to rival this one as my personal favorite out of all of the fanfic! With that being said, if you're up this far, stay with me for a bit longer! Thank you so much for keeping up this far into the story, it really means a lot to me! - PI
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