Monday | January 15th, 2024 | 1:11 PM
"You're a little late to class," Danielle teased as I scooted past her knees to get to my seat.
Hanni followed up by saying, "Hmph, a little? He missed a good 40 minutes of class already,"
I was already hot from running here from my dorm and the two's remarks were only making it worse. Just my luck, I forgot to set my morning alarm before I went to sleep last night, and now, I'm here dealing with these two teasing.
Haerin glanced at me as I sat down beside her. Her eyes were focused, and she had her laptop out. Her gaze lingered a second too long, and the silence was tense. She cleared her throat and tapped her fingers on a notebook to the side of her laptop.
"You didn't miss much, I got down some of the notes if you want to look at them," Haerin whispered, sliding her notebook towards me. "Thanks," I breathed, and the word was quick.
"It's no problem," She replied, and the tone was nonchalant. Her attention was already back on the board, where the professor was going over the next topic. I couldn't explain it. I only talk to Haerin whenever I see her in class now. Nothing's wrong, we're fine, there's nothing off about the friendship we had.
Yet, somehow, it doesn't feel the same. Something's off, and the distance is weird, and the closeness is awkward. I didn't mean to avoid Haerin when me and Chaewon got back together. We're not avoiding each other, we're just busy with our lives and don't talk that often. Right? That feels right.
"So, Minjae, why were you so late today?" Danielle asked. Her elbows were propped up on the table, and her chin was resting on the palm of her hand.
"I woke up late," I sighed, speaking past Haerin and Hanni to reply to the girl sitting two seats away. "That's the lamest reason ever," Hanni remarked,the words were quick and the tone was flat.
"Elaborate, Minjae," Danielle demanded. "Did you drink too much last night, or did you go partying? Come on, give us something to work with here," Hanni added on. I can see Haerin out of the corner of my eye, her focus breaking ever so slightly.
"No, I didn't. I just happened to forget to set my alarm. It's no big deal," I clarified. To be fair, I was telling them the truth, just not the full story. "What time did you go to sleep last night?" Hanni questioned.
"Not important,"
"Was it late enough to warrant sleeping through your alarm?"
"Again, not important,"
"If you tell us, I'll drop it," Hanni negotiated.
"I was asleep by 4, happy?" I replied.
Danielle and Hanni gasped, and their hands were in front of their mouths. Even Haerin, who was facing forward, was giving me a curious side-eye. "Jesus, Minjae, are you alright?" Danielle exclaimed, reaching her arm across Hanni and Haerin's desks and onto my resting arm.
"Yeah, how are you not feeling tired?" Hanni questioned, her hand falling on top of Danielle's. I shrugged, moving their hands off me. "I don't know, I feel fine," I responded. Hanni and Danielle stared at me with shocked and confused looks, their eyes wide and their mouths open.
"Wow, alright then Mr. Tough Guy, just don't pass out on us," Hanni commented, her hands returning to her lap.
"I'm curious, though, what were you doing up so late?" Danielle asked, her tone was curious.
"I was spending my weekend with Chaewon, and I drove home late, that's it," I answered. Originally, I was supposed to go home the morning after our little 'sleepover' but we ended up spending the entire day together and I left late at night. There was a strange moment of silence, and the air was tense. I glanced at Haerin for some reason.
She was typing, but her expression was stoic. Her eyes were focused on her screen, and her hands were moving, and her lips were pursed. I didn't know what to think. I thought I told myself it'd be fine to talk about Haerin in front of Chaewon and vice versa but why did I feel so uncomfortable now?
Looking at Haerin, I couldn't even tell if she was feeling how uncomfortable I was. She's always so hard to read, her emotions never show through her face. Her eyes were dark and her eyebrows were furrowed, and her gaze was intense. Was this just a one-sided feeling? Did she really not care about the whole situation?
I'm not even sure why this was a situation. Am I just overreacting? Haerin's mature, definitely more mature than me, if anything. Maybe it's me. She wouldn't be upset with the idea of me being with someone else. Is it my ego telling me I was some kind of catch that's worth the jealousy?
Why would Haerin be jealous? A pretty girl like her, smart, independent, and sweet, she could get any guy she wanted, and it's not like she needs anyone.
Haerin and I are friends. We're just friends, that's it. I had to keep reminding myself for as much as the voice in my head was telling me otherwise.
"Well, good for you, Minjae," Danielle praised. Her voice cut through the tension in my head, and the sound was sharp. She smiled and nodded her head at me, and the motion was fast.
"Yeah, I'm happy for you," Hanni continued, her hand coming back on top of Danielle's. "How did you two even meet, anyway?" She questioned. I awkwardly chuckled, not expecting to share our love story in the middle of a class lecture.
"It's a long story actually, maybe for another time," I tried to dismiss, but Danielle was quick to object. "Aww, c'mon, it's not like we're paying attention in the first place. Haerin's the only one focused on class," Danielle argued, her tone was childish and her voice was loud in her whisper. Her body was leaning over Hanni and her desk.
Hanni tucked her head onto Danielle's shoulder and giggled. "Yeah, c'mon, Minjae. Share the story," Hanni urged. The two of them looked up at me with pleading eyes, their faces were close together, and their bodies were closer.
They're cute together.
"Uh, well, it starts all the way back in high school," I started, pausing to check if they were paying attention.
Hanni was staring intently at me. Danielle was smirking, her eyebrow was raised up. Their body language was relaxed, and the two were close. "And we started dating when I started sophomore year," I continued. "We were friends before then but somehow we just got closer that summer and we started dating."
"Aww, wait, so you two are high school sweethearts," Danielle threw her hands up to her mouth, shocking Hanni from the jerky movement.
"Kind of, yeah," I tried to explain, "We ended up breaking up at the end of our junior year because her family had to move away, and we decided it'd be better to break things off instead of keeping the relationship going."
"And then, you two started dating again after seeing each other after three years?" Hanni interjected.
"Pretty much, we lost contact over the years because we just got caught up in our own things I guess," I replied.
"So, did you guys meet by accident or was it planned?" Danielle asked. Hanni's hand fell atop of Danielle's arm and she started fiddling with the bracelet around her wrist.
"It was a few months ago, I went to the club and I needed a breather. While I was outside, I ran into Chaewon who also went outside for a breather," I recounted. Hanni's hand gripped tightly on the bracelet and she let out a small gasp. "Wait, so she just happened to be there even though she lives like hours away?" She exclaimed. Her voice was quiet and her words were fast, and her eyes were wide.
"Well, her friends dragged her down there, and she only lives an hour and a half away," I clarified. My eyes moved to Haerin for a brief moment, and for the first time today, I sensed a hint of emotion from her. Her motions were slow and her eyes were deep. Her expression seemed just a bit solemn.
My stare lingered a bit longer, and the sight was haunting. It wasn't long before she shaped up and looked back towards the front. My eyes darted back to Hanni and Danielle, the former playfully shoving Danielle around as the two gushed about the 'high school sweethearts'.
"It's really romantic, isn't it," Hanni commented. Her hand was wrapped around Danielle's forearm, and her head was resting on her shoulder.
"Yeah, I think so," Danielle agreed, her tone was soft and her lips were curled. They continued gushing about our past. I couldn't help but glance back at Haerin every now and then.
Was I the only one that felt weird about the conversation? Well, no, I saw with my own eyes the change in Haerin's demeanor. Did I? She was fine now. She's not acting like anything's wrong. Maybe it's my imagination, or maybe the guilt is creeping in and the guilt is the feeling making me act funny. I couldn't get the look she had on her face out of my mind. It was the briefest flash of something that lasted less than a second, but it felt like an eternity.
Maybe I'm reading too much into things. She's probably not bothered by the conversation at all. We're fine. Everything's fine.
"Ooh, actually, I just remembered," Danielle perked up, the action shaking Hanni's body. "There's actually this volunteer thing at the local soup kitchen that's looking for people. Remember, you said you'd go if Haerin goes!"
Hanni nudged Haerin's arm, grabbing her attention. "Join the conversation, would you want to come with us to volunteer at the soup kitchen?" Hanni asked. Haerin stared blankly at her friend before shrugging her shoulders and muttering, "Sure, sounds fun."
"See! Haerin's going, so you have to go!" Danielle turned her focus back on me. Hanni looked over at me, sticking her lips out and widening her eyes. Then Haerin turned her neck, her gaze falling onto me. Internally, I was down to go and I was a little bit glad Haerin was going, too. Externally, however, I rolled my eyes and said, "Fine, I'll go,"
Danielle squealed to herself and Hanni laughed. Haerin and I shared a glance, and for the briefest moment, I caught her smiling at me. Her academic self quickly took over and her gaze fell back on the professor for the nth time this lecture. I was still a little stuck in the moment, but I could see Danielle and Hanni still having their little moment.
"You guys are going to have so much fun, oh my gosh," Hanni said, her hand rubbing Danielle's forearm.
"Oh, definitely. The two of you are going to love it," Danielle remarked.
The two girls went back and forth, talking amongst themselves about how great it's going to be, and how amazing it's going to feel. Meanwhile, my mind was drifting elsewhere.
My eyes kept wandering over to Haerin, and every time, I found myself wanting to look longer and longer. I can't get that small smile she had on her face out of my memory. I was happy that we were both going, despite not saying much. I can't even remember the last time we hung out alone.
Ah, that's right. It was weeks ago. The ramen restaurant she was excited to eat with me at. The park she said she spent her time at. I wonder if she ever gets lonely. Does she hang out with Hanni and Danielle when she's not studying? How often does she actually leave her room and do something for herself? I was close to learning about her but after meeting Chaewon, my attention's been drawn away from her.
I didn't mean for that to happen. Well, I mean, I'm not obliged to pay attention to her 24/7, I guess. And I'm pretty sure Haerin doesn't even care if I'm not always there for her. I guess we haven't really talked about personal stuff since me and Chaewon got back together, which I'm also not obliged to talk to her about. I just don't know why it's bothering me so much.
I must've been lost in my thoughts because the next thing I knew, everyone in the classroom was starting to stand up and pack their bags. Over to my side, Danielle was already standing up, and Hanni was packing up her stuff. Haerin was finishing up on her notes, her face still expressionless.
Since coming to class, I haven't taken anything out of my backpack, so I stood up and threw the bag over my shoulder. On my desk was Haerin's notebook that she slid over at the start of class. I picked it up and held it towards her. She looked up at me, then the notebook, and reached her hand out to take it.
"Ah, thank you," She murmured, her hand gently wrapping around the notebook. I nodded, and the gesture was stiff.
"Uh, are you walking me to class today? Or are you going to the library today?" I asked, adjusting my stance to hold the weight of the backpack on my back. Haerin shrugged, her focus falling onto her laptop screen as she closed it and started to pack up. "I'll go with you. We can walk to class together," She answered, her eyes fixated on her computer. I hummed in response and waited for her to finish up.
I took the opportunity to look back at Hanni and Danielle, who were standing beside each other, and waiting for us. I noticed Hanni had her arm around Danielle's waist, who looked unbothered by the closeness. "We'll text you the details about the soup kitchen later," Danielle informed, her body swaying from side to side.
"We'll see you in class Wednesday, better not be late this time," Hanni teased before the two of them turned to leave the class. I sighed, and the sound was heavy.
"Are you ready?"
Haerin's voice caught my attention. Her backpack was on her shoulders and her laptop was in her arms.
"Oh, yeah, let's go," I replied. This shouldn't be a surprise. We just started the semester but this felt like the start of a new routine. Haerin's been walking me to my computer science class before she goes off to the library during her gap period. With these grey clouds in my head today, it felt different, but nothing's changed.
I stepped aside and followed behind her, not saying a word as she walked out of the room and into the halls. My eyes fell onto her hair, which was down today, the straight brown locks falling below her shoulder blades.
"Are you excited about the soup kitchen," Haerin's question was sudden. Her voice was soft and her pace was casual. In a way, it felt jarring hearing her talk considering how silent she was all day.
"Yeah, I think. Never been to a soup kitchen," I responded. Haerin hummed and slowed her pace when she realized she was a few steps ahead of me. "I've been to a couple when I was a kid. They were alright, a little depressing, but they were nice," Haerin shared. Her hands were busy fidgeting with the strap of her backpack.
"Oh, really?" I commented. "How depressing is it going to be? Are you trying to warn me?"
She chuckled, "Not exactly. It's not bad. It's just the thought of seeing homeless people, kids included, having no home, no food, no shelter. I just feel for them," She explained. Her words were quiet, and the tone was calm. "My mom often volunteered at them while I was growing up, and it kind of rubbed off on me."
"I didn't know that, that's nice," I said. "You learn something new everyday."
Haerin hummed in agreement, "Mhm, yeah." And as quickly as the conversation was brought up, it died. Haerin and I were just walking side by side, with nothing to say, but a lot to think about.
I was thinking about it a lot.
Her words. Her expressions. Her movements. Her feelings. Her moods. Her looks. I was trying to break down what she was saying and thinking and feeling. She seemed normal, just like every other day, except her voice was maybe just a little different, and her demeanor was just a little off.
She was double strapping today instead of coolly hanging her bookbag off her right shoulder. Her eyes didn't widen whenever she asked a question. Was something off?
"Are you okay?" Haerin's sudden question broke through the silence, sending me for a loop. The question was slow and the tone was cautious. Peeking out the corner of my eye, I could see her expression was calm with just a hint of concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I tried to brush off with a laugh, but I could tell it didn't stick. Haerin hummed, the sound was deep and the tone was skeptical. Why? Was it me? Was I the one who looked off? "Why? Do I not look okay?" I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.
"Nothing bad, you just seem... tired," Haerin responded. She shrugged, the movement was gentle, and the action was smooth. The way her cat eyes were looking back and forth in front of her and at me made it seem like she was scanning me. Here I was, with no read on her, and yet, here she was, reading me.
"Well, thanks for worrying," I tried to brush off again, a chuckle coming out. "I'm fine, though. Just didn't get enough sleep last night, that's all,"
Haerin looked at me for a little bit, her expression neutral. Her eyes were still staring deep into mine, and her head was slightly tilted. There was no indication as to what she was thinking. No change in her eyes or her face or her movements. "Just don't work yourself too hard, okay," She said, her head turning back forward.
"Okay, mom," I joked, the diss not landing as hard as I would like but she did crack a small smile if that meant anything. "I'll try not to, promise."
She didn't say anything, but I knew she appreciated it.
"So, did you learn anything in class today? Or were you too busy yapping with Hanni and Dani?" She fired off, the teasing tone clear.
"Well, for starters, your note taking skills are amazing but I have a problem with your handwriting. Can't you write any bigger?" I complained. Haerin laughed, the sound was airy and the pitch was light. "That's a lot of complaining from someone who needs my notes."
"I'm not complaining, just wondering if you could write just a teeny bit bigger so maybe my eyes won't hurt from squinting," I argued, the tone of my voice whining.
"Then don't ask me for notes next time," She retorted.
"I didn't ask though, you kindly offered it and I took it," I continued.
"Well next time, I won't be as nice,"
"Right, right." I finished the little debate off with a laugh, the sound coming out naturally this time. "But seriously, are your notes usually that small or was today a special occasion?"
"No, no, that's how I always write," Haerin admitted, the confession making me roll my eyes.
"And you're telling me your eyes don't hurt from that tiny handwriting?"
"You're the one with a problem, not me,"
"Yeah, okay, I guess. You'll be the one complaining when you can't read your own notes in a few months,"
"Maybe so,"
The back and forth continued until we reached the building where my computer science class is. She walked me inside and we stopped outside the classroom. "Here you are, have fun," She bid.
"Yeah, thanks. See you later," I said, but she stood there, looking up at me with her eyes, her face, and her expression suddenly turning all still. I stayed there, about to enter class before I noticed the change in her. "You good?"
She shook her head, and the action was subtle, and her face was calm. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I just wanted to ask you something," She dismissed, her lips curling into a mix between a smile and a frown.
"Yeah, what's up?"
She hesitated for a second, her hands gripping the straps of her bookbag. The moment was brief, and it felt like forever before her lips parted and her voice came out. "I was just wondering, the day you reconnected with Chaewon, that wouldn't happen to be the day I had that little freakout about drunk texting, right?"
"Uh, yeah, why?" I questioned, a bit taken aback. So she was listening during that conversation. I had a feeling but what a strange question. What was that about? It felt innocent enough, we put that little incident behind us and I even got clarity about her freakout, so what's there to worry about.
But I could see it. Her shell was cracked and I could tell that my answer had some weight to it. The way she was standing was more defensive than it was relaxed. Her shoulders were a bit higher than normal and her posture was more stiff. Her face was also a little more tight, the corners of her lips were a little tense, and her expression was a mix between confusion and something else. It was clear, the way she was holding herself back, trying to not show that what I say could affect her, but it's clear.
"Oh, no reason. Just curious," She dismissed.
I opened my mouth to ask, to figure out why the sudden question, but another person walked into view, momentarily distracting me. It was Park Minju, who was walking towards me and the classroom door. "Hello, Minjae!" She greeted me.
"Hey, Minju," I greeted, the action automatic and the smile forced. Haerin stepped backwards, giving space to the approaching girl, "Have fun in class, Minjae." She said, a smile plastered on her face.
"Don't stress yourself out, alright?" She added, the comment sounding a bit more like a warning, a small, subtle change in her expression. I nodded and fixed a smile. She smiled back and she turned to leave.
I watched her turn around, the sight making my chest a bit tight. Her pace was quicker than normal and her movements were less fluid. I had no idea what just happened, and now she's gone, and I have no time to figure it out. Minju walked past me and entered the classroom, and the only thing I could do was sigh and follow suit.
We took our seats at the top and back of the lecture hall. Minju took the seat to my left and sat down beside me, and she was a bit closer than normal. Not giving me time to think, she excitedly began talking, "I got a new skin for Katarina last night!"
"Oh, really? You didn't spend money on it, huh,"
"Oh god, of course not," Minju scoffed, the reaction a bit too offended. "I got it from a chest." Since our introduction to each other on the first day of class, Minju and I often have mini discussions about League, whether it's her complaining about the current meta, or my attempts at trying to get better at the game. I wasn't really that into League as she was but it was sort of fun to hear her geek out over the game even if that's all we really talk about.
"So, when did you play last night?" Minju asked, the question sounding like an interrogation. "I didn't play last night, I was out." I responded. Minju gasped, her voice a bit dramatic. "And here I was, thinking that you were actually trying to get better."
I chuckled, leaning back in my chair and throwing an arm around the seatback to my right. "I am, I swear," I assured. She rolled her eyes, the action exaggerated. "Sure, sure,"
Minju and I kept talking, and the conversation went on for a while, of course, never faltering from League. It wasn't until the professor walked in that our discussion ended and we had to tune into class. Throughout the lecture, though, Minju and I kept sharing small glances, and occasionally, she would whisper something to me about the lecture, which was also the only other thing we talked about.
In between Minju's occasional comments and the professor's droning, I kept thinking about what happened before outside the classroom. What was that about? Just when I thought Haerin seemed fine, her question catches me off guard. It wasn't much but the way she reacted, it was like whatever the answer was, mattered.
I think back to what she said to me before she left, "Don't stress yourself out, alright?" It was like she sensed my overthinking, way before I sensed hers. It kind of made me a little jealous of her perceptiveness. But maybe, just maybe, it's because we're a little bit alike. We're both overthinkers, something we made clear to each other that night at the park.
I didn't want to think much about it. Haha, yeah right, there's no way I could stop thinking. Especially about the way her demeanor changed after I told her that yes, it was the same day. It felt like the answer was on the tip of my tongue, waiting for the moment it could come out, but the more I think about it, the farther it gets.
Before I could even begin to think about why that could be, Minju tapped my shoulder with her pen. "Wait, I just got ink on your shirt! I'm so sorry, I was just trying to get your attention!" She panicked, the words coming out quick and quiet. "It's fine," I sighed, brushing the tiny dot she made on my clothes.
"Did you want to partner up?" She asked, sitting back into her seat. I raised an eyebrow and turned to her. "Huh."
"The project? Were you listening?" Minju asked again, her eyes wide with curiosity and her head cocked to the side.
"Oh, uh, not exactly, no," I replied, shaking my head.
"Ah, okay, um, well he just announced that we'll be forming groups for workshops that'll lead into a final project at the end of the year." Minju explained. "And I was wondering if you would like to partner with me."
"Yeah, sure," I shrugged. "We can be partners."
Minju's face lit up, her smile widening and her eyes turning into crescents. She's so cute. "Okay! That's great," She squealed. "He said our first workshop will be uploaded later this week, maybe we can work on it together at the library after class when it comes out."
"That works, but I have my last class right after this one."
"Oh, shoot. I have a break period until my next class at 6," Minju commented.
"Hmm, that doesn't give us that much time to work unless we work after your class ends," I suggested. "If that's fine with you, we can go to the library together and work there after your class."
"Yeah, sure, that's fine with me. That's cool."
"Cool." Minju bounced her head and smiled. I smiled back and returned to taking notes. By taking notes, I mean, staring blankly at the notebook while my mind drifted elsewhere. This continued until the end of class, and by the end of the class, I was so spaced out, I didn't realize everyone was packing up.
"Hey, you're going to be late to your class," Minju's voice called, startling me a little. She was already standing, and her bag was on her shoulders. I gasped and started packing up. "Shit, right,"
I threw the strap over my shoulder and walked to the exit with Minju following close behind. I could hear her soft footsteps and the rustling of her clothes as she caught up to me. "Alright, have fun in your class. I'll see you when Professor Baek uploads the workshop instructions."
"Okay, bye," I waved. Minju waved back and walked away, leaving me to myself. I sighed and checked the time. I wasn't going to be late, thankfully, so I started to walk, taking my sweet time.
Monday | January 15th, 2024 | 4:47 PM
"It does sound fun," I responded, holding the door open for Kazuha and Minji after class was dismissed. "I'm looking forward to it, honestly," The it I was referring to was the game night that Chaewon told me Yunjin was hosting in a few weeks. We struck up a conversation about it as class was ending.
"I was thinking we should each bring our own board game we want to play," Kazuha suggested, the excitement clear in her voice. She skipped ahead of the group and spun around, facing Minji and me. I fixed my backpack on my shoulder and listened to her continue, "Maybe we should do a thing where every time you lose a game you have to drink, or every time you win you make someone else drink."
"Zuha, are you going to have the tolerance to last that long?" Minji teased, the question clearly a dig at Kazuha's alcohol tolerance. Kazuha stuck her tongue out at Minji and scoffed. "I'll be fine. I don't plan on losing."
"Sure," Minji shrugged, the action sarcastic and the tone mocking.
I chuckled at the interaction. "I don't know, a drinking game seems a bit too wild for this little get together," I pointed out. "Chaewon told me Sakura's cousin from Japan is visiting and she'll probably be there. Let's not scare the poor girl."
Kazuha's face scrunched up at the thought. "She'll be fine," She said, her voice dismissive. "If she's anything like her cousin, then she'll have no problem drinking."
"Or," Minji interrupted. "We should let her have fun and not pressure her to do something she's not comfortable with."
"No one said anything about forcing her," Kazuha protested, crossing her arms and looking at the floor. I exited the building with them, exposing us to the sun. I spent most of my waking moments today inside classes, it felt nice being out in the daylight.
"I'm sure it'll be a fun night regardless. There's nothing wrong with just playing some board games." Minji concluded.
"Agreed," I chimed.
Kazuha shrugged. "Whatever, fine," She gave in. She turned around and walked forward. "We'll see when it comes."
Minji looked towards me, "Alright, we'll see you in class Wednesday then."
"Okay, see you," I waved and Minji turned and followed after Kazuha. We split off, Minji and Kazuha heading off to their last class, and I started heading back to the dorms. Right then, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I fished it out and saw the Goobers groupchat starting to get active:
Wooyoungwe should hang out soon
last time we saw each other was the winter trip
Joy
i miss yall :(
Jinho
yeah it's been a while
Haechanlet's hangout tonight!!!
Yeji
ooo cant i got homework
Joyi also can't tonight i have work
Haechanmy fault
Wooyoungwhat abt friday then??
Sanasorryyyy i have something that day
Wooyoungdarn
Xiaotingwhat abt tomorrow?
Joyim working again :/
Xiaoting:(
Jenniei need to know ahead of time so i can plan my weeks accordingly plssss
Tzuyuour class schedules kind of messes with our planning too
Jennieyeah :/
Yejiidkk wb the weekend?
Saeromumm actually, my familys going to be away at the start of feburary
we can probably have a little get together then
SanaYESSSS
Jennieim so down!!!
Xiaotingyesssss
JoyYES
Jinhosounds good to me
Wooyounghell ya that sounds dope
Haechanlets gooo
Yejii should b free then
Tzuyu^^
Jennieill check my schedule and get back to yall
Joysame
Xiaotingk!
Wooyoungsee yall then
I chuckled at the rapidfire messages in the chat. My thumbs quickly typed a reply before putting my phone away.
see y'all then!
Focusing on my walk back to the dorms, a silence started accompanying me along the way. This is when the overthinking sets back in.
All day, there's been an unbearable uproar in my head. Nothing but questions and theories and guesses. There was no point where I wasn't thinking about a certain something. A certain someone. C'mon, can't I distract myself from thinking about her? Matter of fact, can't someone else distract me?
I pulled out my phone and started writing a message to bother my girlfriend:
hows your day going
I held onto my phone as I continued walking, staring at the screen waiting for a reply. I walked just a bit more before eventually getting a reply:
Chaewongooddd i just finished with class
same here
zuha and minji just left me, im heading back to my dorm now
Chaewonooo
guess what happened omw to class today
what
Chaewona bird shit on eunchae
I stopped dead in my tracks, almost dropping my phone from laughing:
what?!
oh god, poor eunchae
Chaewon
lol it was so out of nowhere.
thankfully it didn't land on her
it was more like her backpack got hit
lmaoo whatd she do about it
Chaewon
nothin
nothing
Chaewon
she just wiped it off with a napkin and we kept going
i was laughing like crazy tho
lol
damn
Chaewon
yess, how are you
not much just had a normal day
Chaewon
thats good
what are you gonna do when you get home
idk prolly work on some homework or nap or something
Chaewon
wanna call tn?
yeahhhh im down
Chaewonooh, okay, then ill talk to you tonight.
love you jae
i love you too
I put my phone away and found myself smiling ear to ear. It's a real treat to get to hear those words from her, even if it's through a text. I could just feel the weight of it through the screen and I know she means it.
My smile only grew wider, and the butterflies fluttering in my stomach made me giddy, and it's like the whole world disappeared. All the stress and tension was gone, and all the worries were silenced, and for a moment, the only thing that existed was me and the thought of my girlfriend.
As for the rest of the walk, I realized I was nearing the library. I'm not that far away from the dorms now. But then from a distance, I saw someone exiting the library. Haerin's brown hair and slim frame was unmistakable from afar. Although, it was a bit off-putting watching her walk towards the sidewalk.
If I hadn't seen her face, I would've thought it was a whole different person by the way she was walking. Her head was facing down and she was walking with a slow and heavy gait, her body looking exhausted. Her movements were slower, like a sloth, and her expression looked sullen.
Haerin looked like a completely different person. Gone was her stoic and relaxed posture, the aura of calm and ease. What took their place was a dejected and defeated person. Her shoulders were slumped, her expression was blank and tired, and her eyes were casted down, her gaze focused on the pavement.
It was the second time today that I saw her without her guard up, but this time, her walls were destroyed, leaving a sad shell behind. I slowed down my walk, reeling a little at the sight. She didn't notice me, since she started walking the same way I was headed. I felt like I should call out to her, to ask if she's okay. But I held myself back, deciding to keep walking and watch from afar.
Her hands were holding her backpack straps and she kept her head down, her focus only on her feet. From the side profile, her face was more visible. It was clear her mind was somewhere else, and I didn't want to disturb her. So, I decided not to call her name and to just follow her until she left my sight.
All those times I complained about not getting to know Haerin better, right now was a good way to change that. And, I was given the opportunity to do so. But it didn't seem right. She was not in the mood to talk and it would've felt intrusive to interrupt her thoughts. So, I didn't.
I kept a distance and an eye on her, following her heavy footsteps until we approached the parking lot closest to the library. I stopped when I spotted her black Honda Accord parked in one of the spaces. Standing out of vision, Haerin walked through the parking lot until she reached her car. I stood and watched as she unlocked and got into her car.
There she sat in the driver seat, I can fully see her face now. Her expression was blank, a look of emptiness and fatigue. The way her eyes were downcasted and how her eyelids hung low, it's like her whole energy was drained from her body. She didn't look like the calm and poised woman who sat next to me in class.
Instead, she looked tired. Exhausted. Depressed.
Then, suddenly, Haerin looked up. And, in a moment, everything came crashing down. It was a small moment, one that seemed insignificant, but one that was very significant. A single tear rolled down her cheek, the sight catching me off guard. Haerin, the most stoic and collected girl in the world, was crying.
The tear was enough to trigger a floodgate, and the tears poured from her eyes and down her face. She leaned back against her seat and cried, a soundless sob racking through her body. Her hands went up to her eyes and covered them as the tears continued to flow, a sniffle here and there escaping.
And, I felt powerless. I don't think I've ever felt so useless before. I can't help but stare at her in shock. Here she was, crying and alone, and here I was, watching. I just stood there, hidden behind the cover of a few branches, watching the strong girl crumble to pieces.
The more I stared, the worse I felt. I was definitely intruding on a private moment. I wanted to turn away, but a part of me was curious. What happened? Why is she crying? Is this why she was acting weird earlier? Was it because of my response earlier?
All she asked was if the day I reconnected with Chaewon was the same day of the drunk texting incident, and for whatever reason, my answer had an effect on her. Why was that so important to her? She told me that she had the freakout because of some guy in the past or whatever.
Maybe this guy was the reason she's crying? But why? Probably not, those are another set of issues that don't matter now. Why would she care about me reconnecting with Chaewon? It wasn't clicking, or maybe it was and I'm just oblivious. So she was definitely listening the entire time I was telling Danielle and Hanni my story about Chaewon and I, and she was definitely thinking about her own story.
This was all speculation and theory, but none of them felt like they were true. Was Haerin crying over me and Chaewon? No, she's not that emotional, is she? Well, I'd have no way of knowing. Everything I thought I knew about her went out the window when I'm watching her cry from behind a tree.
I sighed and rubbed my temples. Maybe she was just sad over something else and it wasn't related to me. But I'd never know unless she tells me, and she doesn't look like she's going to. And, maybe she didn't even realize I was watching her. She hasn't looked around or tried to leave the parking lot.
But it seems to add up, the timing is just too convenient. Her demeanor after the conversation, the way her mood changed after I responded, the fact she's sitting alone in her car crying. If she was crying about something else, it would've been at any other point of the day. Or she would've waited until she got back to her room, but instead, she was in her car, the only place where she's safe from prying eyes.
And, her reaction was because of me, right? I'm the common factor here, and my answer was the reason for her sadness. And, that was the last thing I wanted. She was such a nice person, she doesn't deserve to be sad over anything, especially not because of me. I was just confused, and there's so much I'm missing.
Maybe I should say something, go up to her and talk to her. But, the logical part of me was telling me that was a bad idea. There's a high chance she doesn't want me here and would react badly. Maybe if I were a different person, like Hanni or Danielle, maybe I'd be more confident.
I wish Hanni was here, or Danielle, or even anyone, really. They'd probably know what to do. But it was only me, and the decision is mine. The smart thing would be to just walk away and pretend this didn't happen. But, I couldn't do that. That was the easy way, and I'm not one to take the easy route.
I have a conscience and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do something. Even though this would make things weird, even though the chance of it backfiring is high, I couldn't just stand and watch her cry. She didn't deserve that, and she needed someone. So, with a deep breath, I gathered up my confidence and made a decision.
I moved from behind the tree and started walking towards the parking lot, but before I could get close to it, Haerin wiped the tears away, straightened herself, and started her car. She buckled herself and pulled out of the parking space, the engine of the car rumbling as it started driving. With the last remnants of my strength, I jogged and ran into the open parking lot.
I could hear her car driving further and further away, and as the sounds faded, I was left standing there, in the middle of the parking lot. The sun was still out, the trees were still rustling, and the world kept spinning, but the feeling was gone. And, now, it was silent.
"Fuck..." I sighed and cursed, the word coming out like a hiss. I turned and walked towards the direction of my dorms, cursing myself under my breath. Nothing I could do now, I'd just need to swallow what I just saw.
I'll just have to wait until Wednesday and hope everything is alright.
I walked with my head down, looking at the ground and thinking about Haerin and how upset she was. I was still confused and clueless. Why did my answer bother her so much? How was she connected to my relationship with Chaewon? What happened between us?
But, there's no use thinking about it now. All I could do is just hope for the best.
Just some filler, some exposition, every good story needs it right? Forgive me for the shorter chapter, what, with vacations and whatnot taking up most of my writing time. Even a horndog has to enjoy his summer! - PI
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