Wednesday | November 15th, 2023 | 5:13 PM
My back pressed against the wall I was sitting against while I watched my friends pass a volleyball around. I had arrived the earliest to the rec center but I didn't really feel like practicing so I decided to sit back and watch them warm up as they arrived. My arm was tightly hugging my backpack beside me, closely guarding the contents.
It had been almost a week, but yet, I was still buzzing from the excitement of last Friday night. Everyday, I was tempted to replicate the same thing again, to just find someone, steal their ID and copy it, break into their dorm and steal as many panties as I wished. I was aching and hungry for that feeling, that adrenaline, the thrill.
However, I managed to resist the urge. I hid my eagerness well, casually staring off into space and acting the same. It was a hard-fought battle between the desire and the will.
I was distracted and unfocused. The only thing I could think about was how many panties there were within the rec center, or more specifically, who could I try next? Maybe I could take a trip upstairs to the rec center's gym and quickly swipe the ID of an unsuspecting gym babe? However, I was jolted out of my fantasy by a pair of sneakers sliding into my line of sight, forcing me to look up.
Jinho stood before me with a smirk on his face. "Yo, c'mon let's do some hitting lines." He wiped the sweat off of his face with the bottom of his shirt before dropping a hand towards me. I gave it a look before shaking my head and dismissing him, "Nah, I'm good." Jinho's smile wavered a bit, "C'mon man, what's wrong?"
I furrowed my eyebrows, "Nothing, just a bit tired. Wanna relax a bit, that's all." Jinho stood still and his eyes drifted off to the side, a slight frown on his face, "Yeah, alright. It's cool." He sounded disappointed, but I didn't dwell on it. Instead, he walked back to the group and continued their passing drill.
My eyes glanced back and forth, watching the practice before looking around the gym, trying to focus up on my thoughts. My phone was sitting in my lap and it buzzed. I glanced down, reading the notification. It was a new text from Nakyung":
Nakyung
intramural game td?
yeahhh im at the rec rn
Nakyung
ill be there to watch i think
did you bring the cloner though?
My hand gripped my backpack, the outline of that textbook inside was clear and felt bulky. Of course, I brought it. You don't know when a prime ID cloning opportune moment is gonna show up:
yeah, i have it
Nakyung
gooddd, you just wait
i might have something in store for you
looking forward to it
I dropped my phone back into my lap and looked around the gym once more, looking over the goobers practicing. They were all having fun and playing around, passing the ball and messing around. At times recently, it felt like I was more obsessed with stealing panties than the world around me.
I can recall a time where I didn't think about them every waking second of the day. I remember when I didn't even know I had this sick fetish for women's underwear. However, nowadays, my life seems to revolve around it. The thoughts never went away, and my hunger was growing more and more.
A week ago, it was enough for me to steal a pair or two, but now, I was greedy. I wanted more and more, and I wanted to go further. Finishing that card cloner felt like opening Pandora's box. A whole new world had been unlocked, and I had what seems like more opportunities.
"No, Haechan!" Sana shouted, "Watch out, ball!" I looked up in time to move my head just as the ball was flying my way. It smacked the wall beside me, the sound echoed loudly through the empty space.
"S-sorry Minjae," Haechan apologized, looking apologetically over. I watched the ball roll over to them and waved my hand, "Don't worry, dude. Snap your wrist, don’t hit it out." Haechan nodded, and turned his attention back to the drill. Meanwhile, I noticed someone in the distance walking into the rec center.
That nervous gait, the tilted head, the slow shuffling. She was shy and anxious, like a turtle retreating into its shell. I could pick out Kang Haerin from a mile away. Her timid figure walked around the edge of the courts. She seemed to accidentally take the longer way towards me. Her pace quickened as she came closer, her gaze was directed at the ground.
Her head was slightly tilted down, and her hair draped over her face. It was a cute, timid look, but it was an alluring, innocent appearance. I couldn't help but stare her down. As she was walking, the girl had to pull back her long black hair, tucking it behind her ear. She lifted her head, and our eyes met.
"Hi, Minjae," she whispered. A light pink dusted her cheeks, and she was giving me a soft, gentle smile. I returned her greeting with a slight smile of my own, "Hey." I could feel the blood pumping in my ears, "You're early."
She nodded, and looked down at the court, watching the rest of the group continue their passing. Her eyes seemed to scan the group, before she turned her gaze back at me, "Yeah, just wanted to watch you play since you were sick last week." I nodded, and shifted over a bit, making space.
"How are you this week?" she asked, looking curiously down at me while she sat down. Her voice was quiet, but her tone was soft and gentle. There was a bit of awkwardness in the air, but her question was kind and caring. Her smile was cute and comforting, and she seemed genuinely worried.
"Ah, um, feeling better," I replied, pushing aside my memories of my day trip visiting Chaewon. Haerin nodded, "Oh, that's good. I'm glad you're doing better."
Then came the silence I was used to talking with Haerin. At this point in our friendship, I understood that moments like these were only natural and there was no point in trying to break it. I caught the eyes of Yeji while I watched the goobers practice. She made a curious expression at me and started mouthing words to Jinho, who also looked over at me.
My ears burned red and I looked away, turning my head to Haerin, "How are you doing, by the way? What have you been up to recently?" She turned her attention to me, a blank expression on her face. "Mmm, studying," she answered simply.
"Expected." I chuckled, "Anything else? Do anything fun recently?" Haerin shook her head, "Just schoolwork. Haven't been out of my house recently. How about you?"
"Nothing special either. Just chilling," I answered. "Oh," Haerin whispered. More silence.
So much change can happen, even within just a week. Before a week ago, I couldn't keep myself composed around Haerin. My mind would be racing, trying to think of the next words to say, while also trying to calm my pounding heart. My brain would fire excessive neurons trying to see something clever, or funny, or interesting to try and keep a simple conversation with her going.
But now, things are different. My feelings are different. My situation is different. Nakyung wasn't the only girl that called or texted me nowadays. Speaking of the devil, I lifted my phone and saw a reply from Chaewon:
Chaewongood luck!
if u lose td im coming over and punching u in the balls
My fingers swiftly tapped out a reply:
haha i doubt it
I placed the phone back down. My eyes were still focused on it, my hands were twitching, waiting for a response. Ever since we confessed to each other that night last week, Chaewon and I have been talking and keeping more in touch. It didn't feel like we were back together exactly but more like we were slowly rekindling the lost relationship we had in high school.
It was a weird feeling, and the circumstances were a bit messy, but I liked talking to her. It felt like the start of a relationship all over again, with the two of us learning and relearning about each other, finding ourselves falling in love once more. I looked up from my phone and back to Haerin, and my feelings were a bit confused.
Was it love, or was it just infatuation?
Haerin was a bit hard to read and her emotions were hidden under her timid expression. However, whenever I thought about her, there was a weird, tight feeling in my chest. The feeling was indescribable, and I couldn't place a finger on it. It almost felt like yearning, but there was no longing.
I felt like I'd already blown my chance with Haerin and I was lucky enough to even be back in her friendzone. So why was I still hung up on her? I watched her watch my group play around, a blank look in her eyes. That weird situation with the text conversation that one night I went out, it was dismissed but even so, it left an invisible wall between us. A wall that prevented me from making any further moves on her out of my own fear of confusing us again.
Maybe that was why it felt so easy latching back onto Chaewon, who was just a text away, and who seemed like she was willing to give us another try. If I wasn't so afraid of making mistakes with Haerin, maybe I would've pursued her. But now, my chances have already slipped through my fingers it seems.
"Minjae, no more sitting around for you, you should start warming up, games start in a few minutes," Haechan called out, pointing his finger towards me. My shoulders sank and a frown grew on my face, "Alright, fine.." I grumbled, slowly getting up. My bones cracked and popped as I stood up. I looked back at Haerin, who simply gave me an assuring smile.
"Good luck," she told me, her eyes glimmered a bit. I nodded and gave her a smile of my own, "Thank you, hope you enjoy the game." I jogged towards the group. They were all huddled in a small circle as I got closer. Jinho had a serious look on his face, his jaw set, and his lips pursed, "All good, captain?"
I nodded, "Yup, yeah, all good." I looked around and felt their eyes on me. "We have about 5 minutes left until the first game starts, you guys are all warmed up, just keep doing what we've been doing. I'll start doing some quick stretches and join you afterwards." I instructed, clapping my hands.
Jinho nodded, "We need to win today. After last week's forfeit, our chances of entering the playoffs dwindled but they’re not completely gone. We need to do what we've been doing these past few weeks."
I clammed up, feeling guilty for our forfeit last week. It wasn't that big of a loss, but still, our win streak had been broken, and our spot in playoffs wasn't guaranteed anymore since I decided to put myself before the team. I nodded, "Yeah, yeah, alright. Let's do this, goobers."
With a united cheer, we dismissed and I started stretching. Slowly, the rec center filled with students who were here for their intramural game, either as players or spectators. This included our usual spectators, Wooyoung and Saerom.
Now that I notice, Haechan and Saerom seem to be much closer. They were huddled and talking to each other off to the side while Wooyoung bothered Jinho and Yeji. I haven't been keeping up with the goobers as much as I thought it seems. I continued to stretch my arms and legs, when I noticed Joy walking in with both Jennie and Xiaoting.
A small sigh left my lips. My eyes were fixated on them, and Xiaoting must've felt my gaze because she turned and locked her eyes with mine. Her genuine smile appeared and her eyes seemed to widen a bit. I didn't return the smile, and instead looked away, feeling slightly ashamed and guilty. The good thing is, she didn't seem to know that I broke into her dorm and robbed her and her roommate of their underwear.
My coworker, Karina, walked in with her team, waving me down as she walked past. I waved back and smiled. It seemed like almost everyone I knew was here for the game. I felt the nerves settle in and I shook my head, trying to get the jitters out of my body. We've played so many intramural games by now, yet I still couldn't help but feel anxious performing.
It didn't make it better that I had other things running through my mind. Haerin was sitting off to the side, her knees pulled close and her attention solely focused on the court. Her eyes were narrowed, and she looked deep in thought. A weird feeling stirred in my stomach. For some reason, Chaewon decided to flash across my mind, her cute smile and the hard hitting words she said the other night.
More guilt erupted in my system as well, feeling the stress of forcing my team to forfeit and having to pick up my duties. Not only that, but Xiaoting, even Joy as well, and the underwear heists I pulled. They all had my head spinning, and honestly, it made me a little sick. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head.
"Let's go," I whispered, slapping the sides of my cheeks. I opened my eyes and turned around, walking off to the side, away from everyone. I needed to calm down and relax. It wouldn't be good for the team if the captain was freaking out during a game. I just needed to be able to focus and concentrate.
Nothing, but volleyball. Just volleyball.
I heard footsteps behind me, and a small, familiar figure was next to me. "You good there, buddy?" Sana asked, looking over at me with a raised brow. I looked back, and I felt myself ease a bit, the nerves and tension slowly leaving my body. I sighed, and a weak smile grew on my lips, "Yeah, just nerves. Need to calm down a bit."
"Don't stress yourself, we've got this," She replied, placing her hand on my shoulder. "Just a game, it's not the end of the world." She patted my shoulder before walking back towards the group. I wish it was that simple. It's not the end of the world. I'd be able to apply that logic to any situation then. Sadly, that's not how the real world works.
Just volleyball, Minjae. Nothing but volleyball.
With enough moping around, games flew by, teams won and lost and eventually our game rolled around. Giving the other team a quick look, I normally wouldn't be worried, since they weren't anything impressive. But in my current state, I didn't know if I could pull myself together enough to play well. I turned behind me and spotted Yeji, Sana, and Haechan doing some last minute stretches, preparing themselves for the upcoming game.
One final swallow and a quick exhale later, I looked towards my goobers. I felt their gazes, looking to me as their leader. I tried to push myself to push everything to the side. Everything but volleyball. It's just volleyball, and nothing but volleyball. For the next half hour, everything but the game was nonexistent to me.
The whistle blew, and we were off. I stared across the net and watched the other team serve the ball over to our side. Of course, Yeji gave a perfect pass up towards Tzuyu. Like clockwork, I readied myself and gave myself room to run. Tzuyu's hands popped the ball high and towards my side of the court.
I moved forward and jumped, swinging at the ball with an open palm. Although, a bit of my frustration must've seeped through, and the ball flew straight instead of down, flying outside the court. I frowned and cursed. "Damnit," I hissed.
“It's okay!" Yeji shouted from the back, a wide grin on her face. She was bouncing on her feet, and her eyes were sparkling, "Don't worry about it, cap! Keep it going!" Words of encouragement weren't enough, because as the game progressed, I seemed to be costing us more points than usual.
I had no focus. Whenever I hit the ball, it seemed to be flying the wrong way, or going too low or not high enough. When it came to serving, I couldn't push the ball far enough and it'd hit the net and fall to the ground. Of course, I was getting pissed off, and the frustration was growing on my face.
"Damnit," I whispered under my breath, staring at the floor. Trying to zone in on the game was impossible, especially with how distracted I was. I couldn't get my mind off of everything.
Wednesday | November 15th, 2023 | 6:32 PM
The goobers cheered behind me as we finished out the third set, resulting in our win. But honestly, it was a bittersweet win for me. Eventually, I did manage to get my act together, but the damage was done and I'd cost us a bunch of points. Luckily, the other team was weak and we managed to still come out with a victory.
We lined up and greeted the other team. Afterwards, the team crowded me, shouting in my ears and clapping me on the back, congratulating each other on a good game. I tried my best to fake a smile and accept their compliments, but in the end, it was a hollow feeling. After the short celebration, everyone broke off in their own groups, while I lingered around in the middle of the court.
To my surprise, I felt someone launch themselves onto my back. Arms wrapped around my neck, and legs around my waist. The weight was light and the grip on me was tight, constricting even. I already knew who it was, and spun around trying to throw them off, "Alright, Nakyung, stop."
"Good job!" She yelled, laughing as I continued to try and get her off me. With a few more shakes, she finally dropped back down onto her feet and stepped back. "Sorry, I came a little late but I did catch a bit of the end," she told me, fixing her hair.
I looked at her and sighed. "Thanks," I muttered. She noticed the look on my face, and tilted her head, her brow raised, "What's the problem?" I sighed again, rubbing my hands through my hair, "I dunno, the game was good and all, but I feel like shit."
Nakyung nodded, her eyes looking up as if she were pondering, "You know what would make you feel better?" There was that change of tone in her voice, a suggestive and seductive tone that always had a hold on me. Her head swiveled around the room, checking to see if anyone was listening, "Let's talk about that little cloner of yours."
Like a drone being activated, the thrill-addicted pervert clawed its way to the forefront of my brain, and I suddenly became much more interested in her words. "What about the cloner?" I asked. Nakyung grinned, her lips curling up and her teeth showing, "We need to talk." Her hand clasped around mine as she dragged me off of the volleyball court and over towards the wall where my stuff was.
She leaned against the wall and folded her arms. "Didn't I say I had a plan for it?" Her face had an almost smug expression as she read my reaction. I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms, "You did. What of it?" Nakyung smiled again and leaned forward, "I think you're gonna like it."
"Quit the suspense," I said. Nakyung laughed and stepped closer, "It's nothing big, I just want to borrow it for the time being." My jaw tensed and my brow raised.
"What? I just finished making it," I scoffed, a frown growing on my face. Nakyung frowned as well, "I know, I'm sorry. But just for a few days, then I'll return it. It's nothing big." My face twisted into a confused look. "What are you going to do with it?" I questioned.
"Well," Nakyung paused, looking away for a second before her eyes locked with mine again, "I'm going to bring it to my student association meeting and maybe, just maybe, I can get us inside of another dorm. You have no idea the options I can open for us."
Nakyung leaned in and poked my cheek, a giggle leaving her lips, "Imagine, just the two of us. Imagine how many pairs of panties we could grab." She had a crazed look on her face, her eyes shining, and her lips pulled into a grin. Her body language was excited and jittery. I could only watch her as her mouth kept moving, the thoughts she had rushing out, but the words were falling on deaf ears.
It was what I wanted, wasn't it? Another place to expand my collection. More options to explore. New panties to take. And yet, why did I feel so hesitant? Was it because I wasn't doing the dirty work with my own hands? Or was it because it wasn't my idea? Panties were panties, right?
"Alright, fine," I agreed, leaning down and picking up my backpack from off the ground. I unzipped the bag and pulled out the faux textbook that held my cloner, and handed it over to Nakyung. Her eyes shined as she took the textbook from my hand, cradling it in her arms like a newborn. She looked up at me, "Thank you, thank you, thank you. You won't regret this. I promise." She smiled and stood on her toes, pecking my cheek quickly before skipping off.
In my shock, looking around to make sure no one saw that, I didn't even get to say goodbye to Nakyung, or vice versa. I stood there, zipping up my backpack before I noticed Wooyoung drifting towards me with a group comprised of Joy, Jennie, Xiaoting, Haechan and Saerom following him.
"Minjae," Wooyoung said, "I was just talking with the goobers, and we haven't been out in weeks. Let's fucking go out this Friday, yeah?" Painful memories of last time's events flooded my mind, causing me to grimace.
"Wasn't the last time we hung out just three weeks ago," I chuckled, scratching the back of my head. Wooyoung scoffed, "Exactly, so we need to make up for the lost time."
I love the goobers, they've been there since the start of my college career, but right now, I didn't feel like hanging out with them. My social battery felt too drained to keep up with them.
"Uh, I don't know," I hesitated, "I'm pretty busy."
Wooyoung's face twisted in confusion, and he looked towards Joy. Joy shook her head and sighed, "He's not busy." Wooyoung looked back at me, "Bitch, what do you mean? Don't tell me you're gonna stay in on a Wednesday night."
"I probably am."
"No!" Wooyoung groaned. He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head, "You gotta come. Everyone is coming. Even Haechan and Saerom are coming." His arm swung over Saerom's shoulder and pulled her in close. I rolled my eyes, and shook my head, "Nah, I'm sorry. You guys have fun."
Wooyoung hissed and ran his hand through his hair, "Alright, fine. You're lame for that, you know?" A grin grew on my lips as I watched him turn and walk away, the group following him. Watching them walk off made me feel bad. The goobers were like a second family, and I knew it would be nice to hang out with them again but I felt out of place.
I felt weird, and not just because of the volleyball game. My mind was elsewhere. It wasn't focused on anything. Everything was a blur. A mess.
I turned away from the crowd, spotting Haerin since I last seen her before the games started. She was standing with Hanni and Danielle, who must've shown up while I was playing. They seemed to be talking amongst themselves, laughing about whatever.
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the trio, a fake grin on my face. Hanni and Danielle, who both took notice of me at the same time. turned to look at me and cheered, congratulating me on the game. I humbly smiled and fixed my hands into my pockets.
"That was a fun game to watch," Hanni started, clasping her hands behind her back. "You guys played really well," she added, a kind smile on her face. Danielle nodded in agreement, her lips stretched in a bright grin.
"Thank you," I replied, a soft smile on my lips. "It's not like me to play so badly," I sighed, still somewhat beating myself up about it.
"It happens, don't worry about it! You'll be fine next game!" Danielle chirped, her arms crossing over her chest.
Haerin was silent, and I noticed she was avoiding eye contact with me now. She kept her eyes trained to the floor. Danielle and Hanni's eyes flicked back and forth between the two of us. From my view, I can only slightly see hints of smirks across their faces before they turned back to look at me.
"We're gonna get going," Hanni spoke, her tone careful and measured. She smiled and pointed towards the exit, "It's getting a bit late and we don't wanna stay out too long. You guys enjoy your night though, alright?"
The two roommates brushed past me as they left. Danielle, in particular, brushed against me with a sly wink before chasing after Hanni and leaving the gym. Leaving me alone with the girl. I glanced over, and saw Haerin had finally looked up at me.
"Good game, by the way," she said softly, her voice gentle and quiet.
"Thanks, I didn't play my best, but glad you enjoyed it," I replied. Haerin tilted her head and smiled, shaking her head, "That's okay, you did great, nonetheless." Her words were nice, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little bit of weight lift off my shoulders.
A soft silence fell between the two of us. Our gazes were trained on each other, and it seemed as if a conversation was being had. I could see a question hanging on her lips, her eyes flicking down towards the ground and then back up to mine. She seemed hesitant to speak her mind, which wasn't surprising considering her personality.
"Um," she finally spoke. She swallowed and her cheeks grew a slight red, "Are you busy tonight?" Just like last week, Haerin had found her voice and asked her question. It made my heart flutter a bit, and I could feel the corners of my lips tugging upwards. I shook my head and replied, "No, not at all."
And unlike last week, a smile had formed on her face. "Did you want to grab something to eat? My treat," she asked, a newfound confidence in her words.
"Only if it's that ramen place you wanted me to try," I told her, leaning in a bit. I felt blessed to be getting this chance again after ditching her last week. A small, but happy, giggle left her lips and she nodded. "Obviously," she said, brushing her hair behind her ear.
"Alright," I replied, "Let's get going then." I looked towards my friends, who were all preoccupied in their own conversation. Not wanting to draw attention to us, I looked back at Haerin, "You ready?" She smiled and nodded. She took the lead and led us out of the gym, walking down the halls of the athletic center.
My mind was racing. I'd been trying to ignore the feelings that Haerin had been stirring in my heart for a while, but this time around, they seemed to be loudest. In my current situation, I somehow rekindled this lost connection with Chaewon, something I've been needing for years now. On the other hand, there's this sweet, and cute girl, who I've also begun to develop feelings for, but it's just... complicated.
I'm not even sure what we are, if we are anything. Ever since that night and the aftermath, it felt like all signs of a possible romance were gone. This could all be a friend thing. Or maybe something more? I've never been good at figuring out women. I don't even know what I'm trying to do.
Friends, just look at this as friends. I drifted my head over at Haerin as I held the door open for us to leave the rec center. Friends. Just friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.
As we stepped outside, I couldn't help but take a glance at Haerin, watching the wind gently brush her hair around, the faintest hint of a smile on her face.
Nothing more, I continued to remind myself before I felt the urge to pine over her. Haerin dumped her hands into her pockets, pulling out a set of keys, "We can take my car, since you drove last time we ate together."
I shrugged and nodded, "Sounds fine to me." She took the lead once again, and I followed behind her, heading towards her car. I spotted the familiar Honda Accord, the first and last time I've seen it was the night we studied together for the first time.
The inside of the car was unsurprisingly clean. For some reason, I had expected Haerin to take care of her car. The smell of cleaner and freshness hit my nose as soon as the doors opened.
"Sorry for the mess, I didn't really think about cleaning the inside of the car," Haerin told me, tossing her bag onto the floorboard. The only mess that was inside was a single jacket, some napkins and a water bottle. I could easily imagine her taking time out of her day to vacuum her car, or scrubbing every inch of the inside of her car, making sure it was perfect.
I slipped into the passenger seat, shutting the door and putting on my seatbelt. "It's better than what most people keep inside their cars," I told her, giving a small laugh. Haerin nodded her head, a tiny giggle leaving her, and turned on the car. The ride was short, and filled with the sounds of the radio. Neither of us had talked to each other, but we occasionally shared small glances. It wasn't a bad thing, I just had no idea what to say.
After a couple silent minutes, Haerin pulled into the parking lot of a small building, which had the restaurant sign plastered above it. There was a decent amount of cars in the parking lot, and it seemed busy inside.
"Here we are," Haerin told me, unbuckling and getting out. "I think they have the best bowls of ramen in the city," she hummed. As we entered the restaurant, I could hear the hustle and bustle. The smell of pork, the light aroma of spices and salt wafting through the air. My stomach grumbled, and I felt a little embarrassed. "I'm really hungry," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks grow hot.
The inside was dim, with lights hanging above us. It had a warm and cozy vibe, and the place smelled delicious. It was filled with small, wooden tables and a decent amount of people were eating. We were greeted at the front, and shown to a table in the middle. Our seats were a few away from the other patrons.
With the menus dropped in front of us, I picked one up and started browsing the options. Haerin was the one to break the silence between us, "What are you getting?" Her eagerness and enthusiasm was apparent in her voice.
I hummed and scanned the menu, "Hm, what do you recommend?"
"I got the tonkotsu ramen last time, which was amazing," she explained, tapping her finger on the table. "They have a variation where they add this black garlic oil, Danielle got that one last time, I thought it looked good so I'm going to try it this time."
I chuckled and nodded, "I'll try that too, I trust your taste." I leaned back in my chair, folding my hands in my lap, "This is probably the first time I've heard you so excited."
Her cheeks turned a light pink, and a nervous giggle left her lips. "Oh, um, yeah," she mumbled, her head dropping a bit.
"I'm just joking," I laughed. "It's really nice to see a side like this of you."
She looked up, her brown eyes meeting mine, a smile spreading on her face. "Thank you." I studied her face, the dim lighting accentuated the beauty in her features, and how the glow made her shine.
"Can I help you guys with anything?" A voice rang out. Both Haerin and I looked over to see a waitress standing beside us. She had her hair tied up and a small notepad in her hands. Dropping our orders and handing over our menus, the waitress scurried off, and Haerin and I were once again left to our own devices.
"Doesn't the place feel so cozy," Haerin spoke, her fingers beginning to play with a small napkin on the table. "That's why I really like this place, I feel so calm and relaxed." She shifted a bit and gave a soft smile. "I've been trying to force myself out more," she mumbled. "It's a struggle, but I feel like I'm getting a lot better."
"Yeah, I'm glad," I replied, a smile stretching across my face. "It's not fun being cooped up by yourself all the time." Leaning back a bit, I placed my arms down into my lap and really took in the girl sitting across from me. Just two months ago, I had met this shy girl who avoided my eye contact and hid behind her laptop screen who didn't say more than a handful of words at a time.
Watching her progression and seeing how she was becoming more and more comfortable with me felt special. Haerin wasn't this outspoken person, she wasn't one to take the lead and be loud. She was content being a background character, and yet I was one of the few people who was able to get a glimpse of this different side.
It brought me back to the first time we ate out together. The immediate difference between the two Haerins was night and day. "I just wanted to tell you that I really am trying to improve, and that I hope you don't mind sticking around until I get better," I remembered her saying that night, as we stood outside in the middle of the school campus under the night lights. Despite some turbulence in between, Haerin has kept her promise, and is still making an effort.
Haerin giggled, drawing my attention. Her head was tilted a bit, a grin on her face, "It's weird, you know. Having someone stare at you."
My eyes widened, and I felt my face grow warm. "Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought," I replied, giving an awkward chuckle. "It's nothing."
"It's alright," Haerin shrugged, ripping apart the napkin on the table into small pieces. "Our finals are coming up soon, how are you feeling about them?"
"I think I should be fine, I just have to buckle down and study more, especially near exam week." I gave a dry laugh, and sighed. "But what about you, I know you're really obsessed with your grades. How are you feeling about finals?"
Haerin let out a sigh and shrugged her shoulders. "I mean, I've been studying a lot. But it's kinda hard," she admitted, her eyebrows scrunching up a bit.
"Probably going to have long study nights with Hanni and Danielle," I inserted, attempting to finish her thoughts.
"Yeah, they've been a great help," Haerin smiled. "I'm really grateful for them, I think they're the best friends I've ever had."
I grinned and nodded my head, "They seem really nice, they're a lot different from other people I’m used to, but they seem nice."
"Yeah, they really are," Haerin responded, "Especially Hanni, she's always willing to lend an ear when I'm having a rough day. It's nice, because it makes me feel like I'm not just a burden on them." Before I could open my mouth and reply, Haerin seemed to sense she said something that felt off and immediately changed the subject, "So after finals are over, what are you going to do for winter break?"
"Uh, I have a trip with my friends. We're going up north to their cabin and staying there for a weekend, and then the rest of the time is free," I told her. "Probably just going to chill out and enjoy the break, nothing too big."
Haerin nodded her head and smiled. "That sounds nice, it'll be nice to relax," she replied.
"What about you, what are you planning on doing?" I asked.
"Ah, well, I don't know yet, to be honest," Haerin shrugged, giving an awkward laugh. "I'll probably spend most of the time lounging at home, reading, drawing, whatever I get fixated on during that time."
"Hmm, that sounds nice," I hummed.
"It's no cabin trip, I think your plans are more exciting," Haerin laughed.
"Maybe, but I wouldn't mind staying at home for a change. Even I get tired of being outside, sometimes, I just need to kick back and relax," I added on, giving her a smile.
"Danielle and Hanni want to take me ice skating, I've never done it before," Haerin giggled, her fingers tracing circles on the table. "It seems fun, but I'm really nervous, I don't want to make a fool out of myself."
"But making yourself into a fool is the best part of ice skating, falling on your ass and standing back up is part of the fun," I grinned, chuckling a bit. "Don't worry, I think you'll have fun. Especially since you have those two coming with you."
Haerin nodded and sighed, "I think I'm more nervous than excited. I'm not even sure why."
"Because it's something new," I asked, watching her expression. She didn't give much of a response, her mouth formed a line, her eyebrows creased.
"Something like that, it's complicated," Haerin bit her bottom lip. I gazed at her for a second, trying to figure out the emotions in her eyes. "I feel anxious about things sometimes, like this," she mumbled, a bit softer.
I nodded, leaning forward a bit, resting my forearms on the table. "That's fine. I won't say I understand, but if that's how you feel, that's alright," I added on, trying to understand. Haerin gave a soft nod, a tiny sigh leaving her lips.
Before either of us could speak again, the waitress came back with two bowls, and placed them in front of us. She gave a cheery smile and headed off, leaving us alone once more. The sight of the steaming bowl of noodles, pork and toppings was enough to make my mouth water.
"This looks so good," I spoke, a smile forming on my face. I could already tell how happy it was going to make me. Picking up the chopsticks, I quickly snapped them in half and dipped them into the bowl. The broth was cloudy and hot, and I was excited to start digging in.
As I lifted the noodles, and put them into my mouth, I could immediately taste the flavorful broth. The taste was amazing, and I quickly ate another bite. Looking up at Haerin, I saw that she was just as into her food, and I chuckled, taking another bite.
"Wow, this is so good," Haerin sighed happily, looking at me. "Isn't it amazing?"
I nodded and gave a thumbs up. "Really good," I hummed, a small grin on my face.
We were quiet for a moment, as we both dug into the food, and enjoyed the flavors. "Do you have any winter traditions, Minjae?" Haerin asked, wiping her mouth with a napkin.
"Winter traditions, huh?" I asked, my eyes shifting up towards the ceiling, and thinking. "Not really, to be honest. I don't have any winter traditions."
"Really? You don't celebrate Christmas, or New Years?" Haerin inquired, her tone surprised.
"Nah, I don't," I replied, giving her a soft shrug. "The last time I've celebrated Christmas was probably almost 8 years ago, when I was a kid. I don't do holidays." I vaguely remembered Christmas with my parents, before the whole fiasco between them happened. It was nice, Mom and Dad buying me whatever I happened to be into at the time. Feeling giddy as I opened it in front of them, feeling like I was the most important person in the world.
I guess they got sick of doing that.
"I see," Haerin responded, a curious expression on her face. "Well, um, maybe, I mean," she muttered. "You could come over for Christmas, my parents won't mind."
My eyes widened a bit, and I raised my eyebrows. "Huh? Really?" I questioned, looking at her. "You sure that's okay?"
"Well, I mean, yeah. Why not?" Haerin replied, a faint blush spreading across her face. "Wait, I mean, Hanni and Danielle are also coming too. You're welcome to join," she blurted out, waving her hands a bit.
A soft laugh left my lips, and I nodded. "That's sweet, thanks," I hummed, smiling at her. "I'd love to." I'm not stupid. I can read her mind through the way she's acting. This wasn't some predetermined plan with her friends, she probably didn't even ask them yet. She most likely just came up with this on the spot after feeling a little guilty.
I felt touched.
"Okay," Haerin smiled, her hands tapping her chopsticks against the side of the bowl, "I think we'll have a lot of fun. I'll let you know what day when I find out."
"Thanks, Haerin," I told her, picking up the spoon and stirring my soup a bit. We took a couple of more bites in silence, before I finished my bowl and waited on Haerin to finish hers. She looked up at me, dropping her utensils in her bowl and covering her mouth to hold back a muffled laugh.
"Quit staring at me," Haerin spoke, a tiny smile on her face. "It's embarrassing, you know."
"I'm sorry," I replied, chuckling and turning my head away. Against my leg, my phone began vibrating, and I picked it up. My shoulders sank seeing Chaewon was trying to FaceTime right now. It was that time of night, we would talk about our day and catch up, but now wasn't exactly the right time. I glanced back up at Haerin, who went back to enjoying her ramen.
Hesitant, I placed my phone facedown, ignoring the call and keeping myself in the moment. Maybe I was thinking too deep about it, but it wasn't like I was rejecting Chaewon for Haerin. It was just a phone call, but it felt like my life was split into two worlds, and this was where they collided.
I watched Haerin for a bit longer, before looking back down at the table, and giving a silent sigh. It felt like deja vu, all I do is beat myself up over little things, get over it, then rinse and repeat until I get back to square one. I already went through this earlier, I can't keep going in circles.
I was supposed to take this little dinner as just friends, but I should've known it wasn't going to be that easy. Right now, if I took in consideration the events that had occurred over the last month, Chaewon felt like a happy blessing, while Haerin seemed more of a challenge.
And, yet, there was something that was keeping me around. Maybe it was because, despite the challenge, I found comfort and happiness in Haerin's company, and that was what drew me in. She makes me feel comfortable and secure. It wasn't right, though. As of lately, Chaewon and I were closer than ever, and there were definitely embers of our past relationship starting to burn.
I couldn't let Chaewon slip through my fingers, again. She had already told me how she had waited years for this chance. Then I started to reprimand myself. Why am I having these thoughts over a simple FaceTime call?
How overdramatic was I being right now? Would it have hurt to just take it as it was instead of blowing it up into a bigger deal? I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, and tried to relax. Today felt like a beacon for overthinking. It's the way I am, but it's not right.
"What is it?" Haerin asked, noticing that something was bothering me.
"Nothing," I lied, giving her a reassuring smile. She stared at me for a second, and returned back to eating. As soon as she had turned her attention back to the bowl, my phone buzzed again. This time, the screen lit up with a text:
Chaewonim boreddddd minjae wyd??
Again, I ignored it and turned the phone off, feeling eruptions blowing apart my brain. For now, can I just enjoy the moment instead of losing myself in a river of thoughts?
"Hey, can we just... stay like this?" I spoke softly, glancing at Haerin. "Just us, enjoying our time together. No distractions. No interruptions. Just us, for the next few moments."
Haerin blinked a few times and looked at me. I could see the confusion forming in her eyes, and I tried to ignore it before she eventually spoke, "That sounds nice, I'm just a bit confused."
I took a breath and shook my head, giving her a smile. "Sorry, it's just..."
"It's fine. I don't understand, but if that's how you feel, that's alright," Haerin echoed the words I said earlier. A soft smile appeared on my face, and I felt a surge of warmth wash over me.
"Can you hurry up so we can leave then," I sighed, leaning my head down and nodding. Haerin laughed, and I could hear the sound of her eating. She finished her bowl shortly after and got up to pay for the both of us.
"Thank you," I grinned, following behind her as we left the restaurant and back towards her car.
"It was really good, wasn't it?" Haerin mentioned once again.
"It was," I nodded. "Thank you."
She hummed, and we walked silently towards the car. Climbing inside, I felt myself sink into the seat. The engine rumbled, and the headlights flickered on. "Are you alright? Did you want to go home?" Haerin asked. I melted, understanding Haerin must've sensed that something was wrong.
I pondered, my hand tapping the edge of the door. "It doesn't matter. Just drive. And if you're feeling adventurous, I'm sure there are a lot of places to explore."
"Are you sure?" Haerin's voice was a whisper, her fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, don't worry. Let's just go for a drive, alright? Anywhere you want, anywhere," I responded.
"Alright, well, there's a spot nearby, actually," Haerin spoke. Her tone was soft, and I couldn't help but smile. "Just a minute or two, it's not too far from here."
"Go for it, I'm curious now," I laughed.
The drive wasn't long, and we didn't speak the entire time. I was surprised to see that the spot was just a park. It was a simple playground, set in between a couple of streets and a large, empty field. The only source of light was the lampposts and the moon.
Haerin turned off the engine, and stepped out, with me following close behind. Watching her practically skip towards the swing set, I laughed. "This is the 'spot'?"
"Yup," Haerin hummed, sitting on one of the swings and holding onto the chains. I stepped up to the playground structure and leaned against the frame.
"And you wanted to show me this because..."
"I felt like it could help clear your head," Haerin shrugged, kicking her feet slightly to swing herself. "Sometimes, it's just nice to escape, even for a little while."
I stared at her, a faint smile on my face. "Thanks," I spoke softly. My hands and feet carried me into and up the playground structure, before I stood at the top and leaned on the rail. Looking out over the open field, the nearby buildings, the stars twinkling and the cool wind brushing over my face, I couldn't help but feel relaxed.
"It's beautiful," I hummed, taking a moment to soak in the sight.
"I know," Haerin agreed, she swung back and forth, causing the chains to creak and the metal frame to groan. "I used to come here a lot when I was in high school. Just to clear my mind, you know? There was so much going on, and it felt like there was no place to go. It was quiet, and peaceful."
I nodded, not responding for a second. The metal railing was cold, but the coolness felt refreshing against my warm palms. "I'm glad you've opened up," I said.
Haerin hummed, and the swing stopped swinging, her shoes dragging against the woodchips, slowing her down. "I should be the one who's glad, I got to meet you, Hanni, and Danielle. I'm really happy I met you, Minjae," she whispered, her voice gentle.
"Yeah," I muttered, feeling a bit embarrassed by the compliment. "I'm really glad I met you too." It's things like this, I guess. These moments, these instances. That's why it's difficult for me to decide. What is it that I really want?
I didn't have a proper answer, and I didn't know if I ever would. It's hard. This is harder than anything else.
"You're the type who thinks and worries a lot, aren't you?" Haerin asked suddenly.
"Eh?" I dropped my head down, looking over the rail at her. She stared up at me from the swings, a curious expression on her face.
"Sorry," Haerin replied. "It's just, I do the same thing too. Overthink. It's not the best trait to have, is it?"
I gave a short, soft laugh. "Nope, not at all," I agreed.
Haerin sighed, and swung herself a bit more, the chains groaning with each swing. "It feels like there's three trains of thought running through your mind," she hummed, her tone a bit whimsical. "One telling you to go one way, one telling you to go another way, and then one that is just a blank, white wall, with nothing in front of you."
"That's pretty accurate, yeah," I nodded, feeling a sense of agreement.
"It's not healthy. It's not. That's what I always tell myself. It's not healthy. Not in the long run," Haerin's voice trailed off a bit. "It's easier said than done, though. To just let go. To not care. It's so hard to do."
"It's not easy," I quietly echoed, leaning my chin against the cold rail. "To just turn off your thoughts, or to pretend you don't care."
"Exactly." Haerin bluntly said, her swing slowly coming to a halt. She pushed her hair behind her ears and took a deep breath, her eyes glancing around. "Can I tell you something? It's something that's been bothering me for a while. It's a bit random, and it may seem unrelated, but it's what's been on my mind. Can I say it?"
"Go ahead," I responded.
"Well," she started. "You remember that time, it was just awkward between us because of that night you drunk texted me, right?"
"Of course," I responded, knowing exactly what she was talking about. It wasn't my best moment but I thought it was behind us, why bring it up now?
"I never told you how I felt that night when it happened. I sort of pushed it aside, and let it slide when you came to me with your apology. It didn't seem like a big deal, you were drunk, so you didn't know what you were saying. It happens."
I frowned, feeling a bit bad that the situation still seemed to bother her. "Sorry, it wasn't supposed to make you feel uncomfortable," I spoke, my tone a bit regretful.
"No, I know, but it was me. In the moment, as I read your weird texts, I started overthinking and one thing led to another and I felt like my brain blew the situation out of proportion and made it worse than it should've been. I-I'm not making any sense, am I?" Haerin asked.
"Kind of," I laughed, trying to be positive. "Don't worry about it. You're okay."
"Okay," she whispered, before shaking her head. "I don't know how to explain it without going into further detail." She took a deep breath and started swinging, "It was a nice conversation we were having, then I realized you were drunk and the weird texts started coming in. You just reminded me of this... boy, I knew. And I-I don't know."
Haerin sounded like she was close to tears, and I could tell she was holding them back.
"I'm sorry I made you feel that way," I told her.
"No, no, you don't get it, Minjae. That wasn't it. You didn't cause that. I've been dealing with that for a while. It was me, and this overthinking brain comparing you to that piece of shit boy," Haerin snapped.
I was surprised, but not in a bad way. It was the first time I've heard her raise her voice and express her frustration and anger. I stood up off from the railing and crouched over, sliding down the slide and going over to Haerin. Taking the empty seat beside her, the chains rattled as my body weight sank into the plastic.
"Sorry, sorry," she muttered, rubbing her eyes. "That's why I've always kept to myself. I don't know how to handle this. You and Hanni and Danielle, you're all so sweet and caring. How did I get so lucky?"
"You're lucky?" I raised an eyebrow, giving a short, soft laugh. "I'm the lucky one." It felt like a minefield, stepping around every word I chose. One wrong step and the whole thing could come tumbling down. "Who was the one who showed me the best ramen restaurant in the city? And the one who paid for it?"
Haerin chuckled, and her gaze flickered to me, and the corners of her mouth were turned up. "Thanks, Minjae," she mumbled, a hint of embarrassment in her voice. "That's very sweet of you."
"We've both got these annoying brains that like to mess with us," I laughed. "It sucks, but oh well. At least we understand each other."
"Yeah, yeah. That's true," Haerin smiled, and swung back and forth gently. "Thank you for talking to me."
"Anytime, and thank you for bringing me here so I could wind down," I said. A small smile formed on my face as I sat with her, and a comfortable silence hung in the air.
"I brought you here so you could clear your head, but I was one who needed it," Haerin chuckled.
"I think the both of us needed this," I added.
"Probably."
The silence continued, and I was glad to have someone by my side who understood, even if only slightly.
"What are you thinking about right now?" Haerin suddenly asked, turning her head towards me.
"Hmm..." I hummed, and tried to figure out an answer. "Nothing, actually. Just relaxing and enjoying the moment. I can't remember the last time that happened."
Haerin giggled, and gave a slight nod. "Yeah, yeah. It feels nice, doesn't it?"
"Yes," I replied. "Yes, it does."
"Let's stay like this for a little bit longer, okay?"
"Okay," I responded, feeling my lips tug upwards.
"Just a little bit longer," Haerin whispered.
I didn't know how much time passed, but I basked in the ambience, and listened to the sounds of the night, the cars passing by, the chirping of crickets, the sound of Haerin's gentle breathing, and the chains on the swings. It was calming. Peaceful. Relaxing. When I looked over at Haerin, her head was hung down, and her hands gripped the chains as she lightly swung.
I didn't mind waiting for her, I'll leave when she does. The trains of thought lined up for the first time in a while, and my brain was in agreement with what my heart wanted, which was, what was the story behind the piece of shit boy that made her so upset?
Holy moly, how many times do I need to say sorry right now for a whole month of no updates? IM SORRY! IM SORRY! It turns out school actually isn't easy? Studying is a thing I need to do now? SORRY! I severely underestimated school, I really thought I would have enough time to maintain this story but it turns out I have too much I want to do at once! FRET NOT, for I love this story too much to give up now! Even if updates are slow, please bear with me! - PI