Good _arts (When everything feels lost but I am—)

“I just wanna love myself

난 좋을 때도 나쁠 때도

Love my weakness

화려했던 기대와는

달리왠지 볼품없다 해도

Find the good parts, the good parts—”

—

Breathe in; breathe out.

Just take a deep breath and you’ll be fine— just don’t overthink about it and you’ll be fine.

It doesn’t work—nothing seems to be working in the first place.

One more try. Calm yourself and relax your mind—feel the euphoric essence and not fall to the dark abyss lurking down.

“Hah…” you let out a deep sigh and smiled right after, knowing that you did what you could—your utmost performance. Gaslighting yourself that you did everything flawlessly isn’t gonna work and it never will.

“Ohh… I shouldn’t have gone over the limit, how stupid of me!” Another blame onto yourself for an unfortunate mishap leads you into losing your confidence. You frowned in frustration as the post-realization of your embarrassment is inevitable—you wanted to forget what happened but simply can’t.

Letting it slide off your mind wouldn’t help if you keep on thinking on how to forget it, and it shows. You puff your cheeks and let out a long breath, wanting yourself to ease the pain you’ve been feeling.

*phone vibrates*

You don’t want to answer it first as you— wait, what if it’s someone? Well, you don’t want to even put up a fight of your own demons on just a simple decision of answering a phone call, right? So, without a doubt, you picked it up without even looking at who it was and you were surprised by the voice on the phone.

“Hello babe!”

Your eyes widen; cheeks forming a shade of red as your lips involuntarily form a smile. You just can’t help but feel the ultimate delight whenever you hear her saccharine voice—even her scuffed voice on the phone can’t deny how sweet her voice is.

Chaewon. Kim Chae-won. The sweetest girl you’ve ever met; the cutest girl on the whole planet; the person that you can always lean on and trust—she just has everything a man wants and you’re lucky you’ve met her. Nothing in this world is perfect, but she’s the literal living embodiment, the absolute epitome of “perfection” and no one could change your mind with that—she’s your everything.

“Yah, Hello Chaewon-ah. Why did you call me?”

“Uhm, you know—just called you to ask you how things went…”

“Huh, what do you mean by that?” Of course, you play dumb and oblivious through the phone, hoping that Chaewon would change the topic but her curiosity is inevitable—it isn’t bad yet you don’t want to talk about the performance earlier as you wanted to forget what just happened.

“Hmp, don’t play dumb. I’m talking about your performance today! Did it went goo— ”

“No.”

A cold, unnerving tone breaks Chaewon’s sentence and the radiant energy that she emanates. Even though the both of you are just in a phone call, she can feel how spine-chilling your tone is. You don’t want to scare Chaewon in any way, it’s just the fact that you don’t want to talk about what happened earlier but she doesn’t seem moved by your sudden change of demeanor.

“Oh… I’m sorry for asking that, babe—are you good?”

“Uh-ahh, it’s a-alright—I’m alright, Chaewon. It’s just…”

“It’s just?”

You paused, pursing your lips, uneasy on what you’re going to say but you will, for you trust Chaewon with all your heart and you know how she’ll understand you.

“It’s just—can I just come over at your place?”

“Ohh… Sure, babe. It’s just that we’re in a cafe with Kazuha and Yunjin, so maybe I’ll come home later than expected.”

You frantically nod as you smile, knowing that you’ll meet her again.

“Ohh, alright… Uhm, can I just come and fetch you on your way home? So you don’t need to bother calling yourself a taxi. Just say where the cafe is and I’ll go there—”

“Oh, it’s alright, babe. I’ll just call a cab on my way home so you don’t need to bother—”

“Please, Chaewon-ah?” Your tone elicits need and sincerity, letting Chaewon know how much you trust her and how you wanted to mind fetching her in the first place because you need her comfort.

You need her.

Chaewon was having second thoughts at first as she thinks that you’ll be bothered enough but her heart says the opposite—she wants to meet you too and is unhesitant of thinking about denying it.

“If you insist… Sure thing.”

“Thank you, Chaewon-ah. Just call me if I’ll fetch you, I’m just in my car right now, okay?”

“Okay babe, bye.”

“Bye Chaewon.”

You ended the call right after and let out a deep sigh. The sigh wasn’t anything near of stress but rather, a sigh of reassurance to yourself knowing that your day is getting a little brighter after talking to Chaewon on the phone—even the anticipation of meeting her is enough to make yourself a little uplifted.

Ah, she’s really a gift from above and you’ll forever cherish—

*phone rings*

Your eyelids slowly open; your eyes adjusting from the bright light your car screen (the touchscreen device or basically a screen that can be called as an ‘infotainment system’) is emanating. Suddenly, you come back to your senses and the phone rings echoes around the vehicle.

You slept without even knowing that you actually did. It’s must be the pent-up stress earlier but the phone is still ringing, maybe you should answer it—

“Hello? Chaewon?”

“Hi babe! I already texted you on where the cafe is. Meet me there, right near the benches, okay?”

“Okay, Chaewon. I just slept all of a s-sudden.” You yawn quickly, exercising your jaw a little as you continue. “I’m sorry ‘bout that.”

“Babe, it’s alright. You’re not sorry; I understand how tough your day must be.”

“Thank you Chaewon-ah—” You smiled through the phone, enamored by how thoughtful and understanding she is, even thought she can get a little feisty so quick sometimes—you’re always grateful for meeting a girl like her. “—for understanding me. Uhm, I’ll come to the cafe as soon as possible, okay? Bye, see ya’.”

“Bye babe, see you too!”

You hung up the phone call as you rushed-not-so-rushed out of the parking position you’re in, ready to fetch Chaewon on the cafe she texted. You’re grateful that the cafe wasn’t really far from where you are right now—not even exceeding two kilometers according to the navigation system you’ve searched on.

“Bingo. It’s not that far away, gladly.”

Slowly dancing your head alongside the beat of the song from the radio, you feel a hint of delight and satisfaction—it may not seem to do something but it’ll do. Not so long after numerous songs, you finally arrived at the cafe she texted and thanked yourself for not getting lost on your way here, even though you almost did.

*horns blaring*

As soon as she saw the familiar color and plate number of your car, she waved goodbye to her friends, Kazuha and Yunjin as they exchanged smiles between the delightful blabbering they had earlier. A black-haired girl with her faint white highlights waddled her way onto your car and as soon as you saw it, you hopped out of the car and opened the door for her.

“Aww, you’re so sweet, baby. Thank you… ”

“It’s no big deal, Chaewon-ah.”

You also insisted on waving goodbye to her friends as they responded immediately. With your not-so-awkward meeting with Chaewon, you laughed it out as she smiled endearingly to you. You made eye contact with her as you awkwardly looked away right after, feeling something’s uncanny and off at this moment. Not so long after, the both of you hopped into the vehicle.

“Baby, why are you looking at me like that?”

“Uhm, I’m just worried about you earlier, what seems to be the bad thing that happened?”

Her eyes switched demeanor as it fixated towards you as her eyebrows scrunch in curiosity, expecting an answer uttering from your lips.

“O-o-ohh, t-that? Oh come on, it’s just noth—”

“Stop with this, babe, talk to me about what happened. So please— ” her gaze locked onto yours again, her eyes reassuring and endearing for you to tell the truth. She further soothe your nerves you by caressing your right thigh as her thumb fidgets around the cloth.

“—tell me the truth.”

You’re skeptical, your lips sighed in defeat as you looked right into her eyes, her captivating eyes—stare on those soulful, hazel-brown eyes—and finally, said what you’ve been keeping.

“I didn’t deliver my best performance and I was ashamed of myself for being such the weakest link…”

Chaewon’s eyes were in the mix of concern and distraught, unsure of what could happen next. She caressed your left cheek, cupping it gently right after as she reassured you.

“Babe, you were never the weakest link. We may all have flaws but it doesn’t mean it’s always negative. It doesn’t always mean it dissolves down to that. We also have our own strengths too— ”

“Yeah, but—I messed up pretty badly.”

“How bad?”

You clicked your tongue and faced away from her and to the window, being embarrassed as you gained enough strength again to open up to her.

“Really bad… I just—there’s just a lot to tell you.”

Chaewon’s eyebrows furrowed in dismay, frowning right after as she felt sympathy for your maybe-your-worst mistakes.

“It’s alright, Oppa. We’ll continue this later, okay?’ ”

“Alright…”

Before stepping on the gas pedal, you thought of one thing and asked Chaewon something.

“Aren’t Kazuha and Yunjin going to come home? I mean, I can escort them on their way home—”

“Oh, them? They said that they’ll still stay and I decided to go and meet you earlier than expected because of you, babe.”

You’re in shock, eyes wide open from her statement. Did she really did that for you? Well, that’s really sweet. You had never thought that Chaewon would be this serious just to meet you—maybe your wretched state earlier is enough for her concerned heart to act up.

“Oh wow Chaewon… Thank you, I owe you so much—”

“Come on, babe, it’s alright; the feeling is mutual too. I owe you a lot too… ”

Her smile exudes sweetness and vibrance, making it brighter than any star on the cluster of systems known to mankind. That smile of hers. It is one of the reasons why I love her with all my heart.

After a small, affectionate talk with her, you then stepped on the gas pedal and drove your way onto Chaewon’s place.

“Yah, Oppa! That was so awkward!”

“I know right? Like we just stared at each other and thank God, he talked first.”

“Oh wow.” Chaewon giggles very cutely, reciprocating the ebullient laugh as she realizes something. “Oh, we’re at our place now.”

Chaewon hurriedly readied herself as you parked the car and turned off the engine. You unlocked the doors and both of you got out of the car and initiated to carry Chaewon’s bag in order to ease the burden that she’s carrying even though she doesn’t have any—you’re repaying her kind heart with your gentlemanly actions.

Chaewon unlocks the door of her house and you were surprised with the new ambiance—organized shelves alongside the new T.V. setup and new pillowcases and carpets, and the strawberry scent by the diffuser serves as the cherry on top.

“Wow, a lot has changed here since my last visit.”

“Yeah, I tend to organize stuff in my free time and I thank Kkura-unnie for helping me out in organizing things.”

“Wow, that’s great to hear.”

Chaewon then rushed to the refrigerator to get some water and glasses on the shelves. You wander down around the living room and smile seeing the pictures of her friends, family, herself and the both of you lying around the cabinet.

“You want some water, babe?”

“Oh, I’m pretty good right now—”

“Food? We got some leftover ‘kimchi jjigae’ (kimchi stew) and some ‘jjajangmyeon’ (black bean noodles) here. Don’t you want some?”

“Nah, I’m good Chaewon. Thanks anyways.”

With everything set up, Chaewon composing up to seat, she talks. “Uhm, now talk to me, babe.”

Oh yeah. You suddenly forgot the reason why you’re at her place and you wouldn’t dare to lie in front of your teeth with such a plethora of excuses.

“Oh, that…” Your face suddenly vexed, remembering the grasps of such an embarrassing act in front of the audience. You just thank god no one laughed hysterically on your mistakes or unless you could’ve lost your confidence there and there.

“I don’t know what to really feel. I feel like all my practice has gone into dust after that mistake. I just hate myself after that.” You sighed deeply, feeling the regret and dismay of what happened earlier.

“I don’t even know if the mentors and my professors were amused by my performance, I forgot a couple of my lines and I’m glad I made some impromptu to slide it off but it just doesn’t seem right.”

You brought your right hand onto your forehead, closing your eyes as disappointment dominated your emotions.

“It was your last, graded performance, right, Oppa?”

“Yeah, and I fucked up bad.”

“Hey, hey, don’t say that babe— ” Chaewon then went and sat right beside you as she held your hand, making you reassured by her touch. “— you didn’t mess up anything and you said you said some impromptu to cover it up, right?”

“Yes, but here’s the worst thing: I went blank multiple times and stuttered too. I just feel fucked at that moment—shit…”

“Babe…” Chaewon’s face is now closer against yours, staring endearingly with those puppy eyes. “Have you ever considered looking at the brighter side?”

“How come there’s a brighter side, Chaewon? I messed up and thank god no one noticed yet only the smallest details—or maybe they did and they’re just laughing deep inside.”

“Don’t say that—also, they won’t be laughing if it isn’t obvious enough, babe.”

You always know how optimistic Chaewon is—how she often cheers you up and makes your day brighter. You always know how she can make you laugh even in your all-so-serious mood, she just knows how she can make you in awe and let down your defenses for her—she’s your kryptonite.

You half-expected her to tell things like this before you fetched her and you’re right. You feel skeptical with her persuasions but you can’t help but think of the brighter side of this.

“Hah… Alright, Chaewon, enlighten me then.”

“Have you ever thought that the impromptu you made could be actually better than the script?”

“B-But I wrote the script, babe, and I don’t think it’s better—”

“Baby, even the simplest of actions can impact something so vastly. Maybe, just maybe, your professors or mentors can even applaud or complement your performance despite something lacking, yet I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing bad.”

You paused for a moment, contemplating Chaewon’s reassuring and optimistic words. Maybe she can be right.

“Tch, I don’t know Chaewon but—”

Chaewon anticipates. Her idyllic yet worrying expression—her furrowed eyebrows matched with her saccharine smile—painted all over her face expects something following your conjunction.

“But?”

You hugged her. Without any second to waste, you didn’t hesitate to kiss her cheeks and thanked her for her thoughtfulness and the time to listen to you.

You owe her so much and you feel like, you didn’t deserve her—

No. Stop with these intrusive thoughts and look to the brighter side—like how Chaewon would say to you.

The hug lasted for only a couple of seconds and you could tell how Chaewon was flustered at that moment—her cheeks tinted a rosy pink as well as her ears getting red at the moment.

“Chaewon, thank you so much for these.”

Your genuine tone makes Chaewon in awe, her eyes pleading as her smile exudes vibrance and you can’t help but fall into the contagiousness of it—smiling too as soon as she smiles.

“It’s just a small thing, babe. I’m always there for you, don’t you forget it.”

She then hugged you tightly and you didn’t hesitate to accept her affection—accepting it with open arms. She deepened the embrace with her face resting on your chest as she murmured, “Thank you too, babe. I’m so thankful to meet you. So so thankful… ”

Your eyes involuntarily teared-up, touched by her short yet sweet message as you didn’t hesitate to let out your true feelings too.

“I could never ask for anything more in this world because of you Chaewon. Thank you for everything.”

The embrace was full of affection as you pushed her gently against you—the both of you meeting eyes to each other—breaking the embrace in exchange for a kiss. A kiss to remember.

The next thing Chaewon saw is just your lips latched onto hers as you taste the faint of the vanilla lip balm. You kissed her a little bit more before detaching, your animalistic urge wanting more but you resisted.

“I love you, Chaewon.”

These simple words are enough to make someone’s heart flutter. These simple words are worth remembering for a lifetime. These simple words that can make thousands and thousands of memories worth cherishing.

“I love you too, babe.”

The both of you locked eyes and exchanged smiles, feeling reinvigorated than before.

“Just to hope they would be pleased, at least.”

“I believe that they will, Oppa. Also— ” Chaewon got off on the couch as she hurriedly got something on the shelves.

Wires with the colors of blue and black is all you can see as she set-ups the conglomeration of wires near the TV and with that, you insisted to help yet within a blink of an eye, she already finished wiring anything up.

“—do you wanna play some games, Oppa?” she asked you with a controller in her hand.

You would be lying if you don’t want to. How can you resist playing with a puffball like her? With that being said you nodded and got the wireless controller from her hand as you started grasping the controls of it.

“Try and be relaxed, Oppa. We’ll play some chill exploration games if you want to so you won’t be stressed.”

Another nod, agreeing on her actions.

Ahh, the things you do to me, Chaewon…

And now with a simple click, the game starts as the adventure begins…

Seconds become minutes. Minutes become hours and so on. Time really went fast as you didn’t see the dark aura of the sky outside—signaling that it’s already nighttime and the both of you didn’t notice because of how busy you were on the game.

“Wow, *yawns* —we really did a lot of this game, Oppa. I’ll just harvest the rest of the crops and maybe explore more on the other side.”

“Yeah, sure, Chaewon, I’ll go and do some fishing then.”

You focused on going near the pond as you suddenly felt a weight on your left shoulder. You looked to your left, Chaewon silently snoring; her eyes shut; sleeping soundly.

You tucked her white-highlighted hair behind her ear, taking a look at her beautiful and pristine features: her cute, boopable nose; her faint eyes, innocent from her sleeping and her soft, plump lips.

You took a sight of her impeccable features and kissed her cheek. You smiled right after as you exited the game from both controllers and turned off the T.V. right after.

Such epitome of perfection she is. You’re in awe seeing how beautiful she really is. Even with the simplest outfit and faint make-up, she stands out, exceeding any criteria of beauty—she’s the real epitome of it.

You lay her down on the couch and took the nearby blanket on the coffee table, wrapping it around her as she didn’t seem to be bothered by your actions—still sleeping peacefully.

“Good night, Chae.”

Give her a quick peck on the forehead, you smile as you sit beside her, caressing her hair and cheeks.

Thank you for everything, Chaewon. Thank you for guiding me on the times I feel lost. Thank you and no words can explain how much I love you.

The vast night sky has countless stars that seemed endless, but you could only see one, and that’s Chaewon.

You leaned next to her, trying to sleep as you, not so long after, you gave in to your drowsiness.

yurii the hamsteo💞

00:34

oppa! I have some good news for you! Our professors commended our performance earlier! They also said you performed well and your acting is great! thank you again for all of these, oppa, everything isn’t possible without your help and everyone of us. thank youuu!;)

Well, this will be great news for you when you woke up.