I Can't Help It

It's hard to forget the first time I saw you

The first day of the university semester marked a quiet shift in his universe. It was the moment he first saw her. She was utterly captivating. He wondered how their paths had never crossed before, as if she had just materialised from the ether. The morning sun felt like a paid actor. Casting a flawless, golden beam across her features that rendered her divine. Looking at her, it felt as though Aphrodite had finally encountered her rival.

Those captivating eyes.

It was strange, really. His very first impression of her was anchored entirely to her face or accurately, those eyes. There was an undeniable gravity to them. A large and elongated and slightly upturned, like a cat. Her striking features alone could likely cost a corporation their fortune. Or it would probably cost an entire nation instead. He had already overheard fellow students affectionately dubbing her ‘South Karina’ rather than South Korea. Now, that was exquisite praise.

In my mind, your image never fades away.

Over the course of a month, their paths crossed perhaps four or five times. Purely because they shared the same lecture class. Outside the classroom walls, they shared zero interaction. Their connection was limited to a simple, quiet nod of acknowledgement whenever they passed each other. Truthfully, he was the one who had initiated it. The first time, she had looked slightly baffled but by the second instance, she had simply returned the gesture. He had greeted her the way a guy casually greets another guy. He was certain he looked like an utter loser. Yet, in the endless stretches between classes, his mind remained occupied by her. He found he did not mind it at all. After all, who could possibly resent daydreaming about a beautiful girl?

Holding your hands and feeling your gentleness, it almost takes my breath away.

This scenario resembled a dream he used to have, though he had honestly believed it might one day might come true. Just not quite in this manner. By the fifth week, her clumsiness had proven to be entirely out of this world. It was incredibly cute how she pouted when Minjeong wouldn't give in to her. Then, their hands had brushed when she dropped her things and he just had to help out. Not that he could have ignored her anyway. Soft. That overwhelming thought that consumed him as his brain completely short-circuited in the moment. To make matters worse, she had actually looked up and asked if he was alright. In his head, he could only think that she had just attempted a murder by the way she looked at him.

Your innocence is something I want to cherish.

The previous day was a total shock for everyone on campus. She had a sleek bob, pairing a subtly patterned white one-piece dress over sharp black jeans. That red and white linen long-sleeved shirt completely tied her look together along with black slingbacks. It was utterly exquisite. Just when he thought she could not possibly display another side of herself, she had completely shattered his expectations. He had harboured a quiet, simple image of her as a purely innocent-looking girl but seeing her like this completely shattered that. Yet, despite the bold maturity of her outfit, her smile remained exactly like radiant sunshine. Beautifully innocent.

When I see you being hurt, I feel heartbroken.

When the university festival arrived, he knew that it was a terrible idea for her to volunteer at the pocha tent set up by their club but she had insisted. There was no stopping her, especially the seniors had the final say. Unable to simply mind his own business, he had signed up to volunteer as well. Initially, everything went smoothly. Having Jimin, the campus idol among the volunteers practically guaranteed sky-high sales. It felt like every guy in the university was stopping by.The peace didn't last as darkness set in, trouble found them. One of the seniors tried to tell Jimin to join their table. Though she politely declined, the senior refused to take the hint, suddenly lunging forward to grab her wrist and force her into a seat. The sheer terror and discomfort flashing across her face made his blood boil instantly. To make it worse, the surrounding seniors merely watched, doing absolutely nothing to intervene. That was the final straw. They all ended up at the police station later that night, but with so many witnesses on their side, he wasn't really scared of the consequences. He was much more shaken up by the sight of seeing her look like that again.

I'm only afraid that I might fall in love with you.

The next Monday was completely chaotic. The news spread across the university for better or worse. At least the seniors involved couldn't do anything on campus anymore. Thank goodness, she was fine. On his end, he was left entirely alone by his coursemates, as the remaining seniors had probably warned them off. He didn't mind being alone. Karina, however, apparently didn't get the memo. Why on earth did she choose to sit right beside him? He silently pleaded to be far from her. His heart simply couldn't take it.

I don't dare let myself get too close. I'm afraid I have little to offer you.

She really made things hard for him. Since that incident, they were hardly ever separated at university, except for going home and their own private time. It wasn't like he hated it, but he hated himself more for thinking he might actually have a chance. He couldn't help but look for tiny signs that she could like him back based on her reactions. And those late-night texts, anyone in the world would misunderstand them. He was barely able to restrain himself from confessing. He didn't want to be the guy who fell in love too easily and too quickly. With her reputation and background, she easily deserved someone better than him. It was better to just be her friend for life. Everyone would agree he was completely out of her league. Birds of a feather should flock together, he reminded himself again.

Loving you also requires great courage. Perhaps one day I won't be able to control myself.

Although he said one thing, on the other hand, it wasn't easy to follow through with it. His brain told him he couldn't be with her, but his heart told him to chase her. Eventually, he decided he should just follow his heart. Why hold himself back? It wasn't like he was going to confess to her. This wasn't just a simple crush phase anymore either. He had brought himself to a zone where he just loved her one-sidedly. Unrequited love. She didn't even give him mixed signals. To her, they were strictly just friends. That brutal fact brought him constant pain until the very end of the semester. In his opinion, it was a good thing he was able to hide his feelings so well. Otherwise, he wouldn't even be able to be friends with her anymore. 

Missing you only causes me pain.  Falling in love with you is something I cannot help.

He had started this unrequited love knowing that the feeling would torture him but not being able to see her at all brought an even greater pain. At the start of the new semester, they ended up with fewer classes together. A part of him desperately wanted to change his courses, even though he knew it was impossible. He felt stupid for even wanting to. On the rare times they did have classes together, he was barely able to focus. Instead, he just wanted to look at her and sit right beside her. When he wasn't with her, he constantly tried to get updates on her. Whether through text, Instagram, or anything else. He had to keep reminding himself not to cross the line. But to falling in love with Yoo Jimin was easy. Way too easy.

For what reason, I unexpectedly meet you

The overwhelming feeling eventually turned into an obsession, and that was when he knew he had gone too far. He had to distance himself from her, giving her ridiculous and unbelievable excuses whenever she asked where he was. He knew he was avoiding her, but he couldn't do anything else. He had to stay away, or else his feelings would become completely unhealthy, turning into something that wasn't even love anymore.By mid-semester, he finally managed to distract himself and stop the feeling from getting worse. Spending countless hours talking about it with random strangers online helped him see his situation from a third-party view. But his biggest help came from his mum. Without her as his constant anchor and remedy, he didn't know what would have happened to him.

Towards week eight, he was finally able to look Karina eye-to-eye again without being completely overwhelmed by his feelings. They even managed to hang out casually again, meeting up by chance while she was out with her friends. Thank goodness, she accepted his apology when they had a private chat later that week, where he vaguely explained that he had been distant due to personal reasons. He was just glad he could finally be her friend safely.

I truly, truly don't want to fall into the trap of love like this.

Yoo Jimin was truly one of God’s favourites, possessing absolutely everything in this world. A captivating presence, a brilliant intellect, and a distinguished pedigree. The mere allure of her presence naturally attracted people toward her. He was merely one of many caught in her orbit. By pure coincidence, a song shuffled onto his Spotify playlist. The lyrics spoke of feelings reaching a point where you have no choice, where you simply cannot stop yourself from loving someone. Although he would be completely content just being her friend for now, who knew what lay ahead? Perhaps, sometime in the future, he might finally find the courage to bravely confess his feelings to her.