The Green Forest

“You can be the greenest forest in the world, but you will never be enough for someone whose favourite colour is pink”

At first, I didn't understand what the quote meant. Why stifle your light to fit into a space that wasn't built for you? Throughout my friends' stories and heartbreak, I was there for them whenever they clashed with their partner, the one they swore they couldn't live without; the one who forgot their friend existed and the one who had spent time in their relationship than with us since high school. I had no idea about the paradox of love, and when I asked my father during our man-to-man chats, his reaction was unexpected.

“Love makes you deaf, dumb and blind.”

It sounded nonsense the first time I heard it, but when I dwell on it, the more it rings true. Love was never like what a movie or rom-com drama made it seem. Behind a happy couple were countless misunderstandings, arguments and insecurities throughout the years they spent being together. I always laugh whenever they vent their problems, but deep inside I secretly take note so that when I am in the relationship, I hope I will not repeat the same mistakes. You could call what I am feeling 'envy', and maybe I am jealous of them because I remember that one podcast where the podcaster mentioned love is like a blessing; it is not something everyone is going to have in this world. 

Thus, I make peace with my mind as I am in my mid-twenties and still motae solo. Love is something that I can learn about through books and movies but could not experience. That was my reality until she arrived. She didn't force her way in; she was there, and she was utterly oblivious to the fact that she had rewritten my whole perspective. She was a sunbae during my university years. A year older than me, and calling her a 'sunbae' feels easier. We are not that close, being classmates in certain subjects. Zero contact exchange between us until that one assignment. That was the turning point that started for both of us. We crossed from academic peers to friends.

I am getting to know her a bit better. She is a slow talker, but her knowledge sometimes makes me feel I never studied before, as she has faith in ‘Knowledge is power’. Whenever we do a study group, she always eats snacks alone and takes her time finishing them up to the point where I can memorise her preferred snack to go with. She likes pink the most and reading fantasy rom-coms, as it keeps her dopamine high rather than normal rom-coms. Then there is her collection of mystery novels, and she keeps watching horror movies despite being a scaredy-cat. Her perennial favourite is kimchi jjigae, and she can keep eating it for straight months without losing her taste for it.

Even after completing the assignment, we kept a sunbae-hoobae boundary. At least, that's what I really thought. But the 'just friends' excuse I kept feeding them rang hollow to them. They question my relationship with her, but it's easy to say we were close friends, as we have that boundary, but I know the truth is complicated. Not that I do not want to take step further. She is exactly my type, and the possibility we came across our ideal type is lower than a celestial poca.

The conversations never felt awkward as they started from quick messages related to lecture notes for the class, slowly turned into random calls at night self-study sessions, and shared silly stories about our days. Before we knew it, we always had things to talk.

My friend finally noticed the shift in my tone in group chat.

“Probably it is my turn now.” I hit the smirk emoji, and the group chat exploded.

Toward the end of the semester, we plan to go for a casual meeting, and it's not a date. We currently are in what people call the phase of ‘some’, never addressing the elephant in the room but knowing it's there without any label. At least that's what it looks to me, and it does not feel right to me. Thus, I plan to confess to her on Christmas if only she's down for a New Year's celebration event.

Hey, do you have free time on Christmas?

I let it fly as life is too short to be afraid of what could happen. Thank goodness the reply came faster than I thought. 

Don't know yet. What up? 

I want to spend Christmas with you. Are you down for it?

No reply came that night. I tried to convince myself she was busy and forced myself sleep before my thoughts could spiral any worse. 

As I wake up the next morning, a message from her pops up on the screen.

I’m so sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.

I value our friendship, but I don't see us as anything than that.

Besides, there’s actually someone else I’ve been seeing.

I stared at the screen and kept the text buried inside my memory. I gambled on the ‘what if’, and this is the answer I got. The spiral I felt on the previous night disappeared after the text, it was never there anymore. Just a dull, heavy silence. I had my answer, and it was an escape room with no answer to escape from. 

Got it. My bad. Best of luck with them.

I hit send and straight away archived our conversation. Dad probably has some advice for me. 

“Stop tallying up your flaws” Dad said, offering the coffee to me.

“This isn't that you not being enough. You're incredible, okay? You can be the greenest, most beautiful forest in the world, but you’ll never be enough for someone who only wants pink. She’s looking for a different colour, and you’re wasting your growth trying to change your leaves.”