Either Way

“I need you…”

Those were the three words I dreaded hearing from Gaeul. But those same words pushed that button that automatically made me come to her rescue. Every damned time. This time, Gaeul slurred those words out as she swayed outside my door, barely standing. I was her safety, a base she could always fall back on when things got rough. Or when another boyfriend dumped her.

“Gaeul.” My voice was steady, not betraying the sadness and disappointment I was feeling. “You’ve been drinking again.” A statement.

She stumbled into my arms, body finally giving way to the alcohol in her system. She knew I would catch her. I always did. I did it when we were kids, and she missed a jump and almost tumbled down a slope. When she insisted on climbing the school gate to avoid detention and was too scared to climb back down. I was always there. For her.

“He dumped me.” Her voice was barely louder than a whisper, muffled by my chest. I could feel my shirt getting damp. “He dumped me for some stupid whore he met at the club.”

“I’ll help you inside.” It wasn’t anything new, Gaeul’s present situation. For some reason, men always left her. Too safe, I’d heard before. Too boring. “Get washed up and I’ll make some tea.”

As I guided her to my bathroom, Gaeul slurred out again. “I love that you’re always here for me.” And that made my heart clench in that familiar aching way.

“Towels are in the cabinet.” I said thickly. “I’ll grab some clothes.”

The sounds of a running shower filled my apartment as I smiled humorlessly. That made five. Five boyfriends, five breakups, five times Gaeul came to my apartment dead drunk and needing a safe space to cry. But it was more than 5 times where I wanted so badly to tell her how I felt. How I would never ever break her heart, how I remembered that promise we made when we were ten.

We were at the playground that day after school. Our teacher had set us an assignment. We had to write an essay on what we wanted in life. I watched Gaeul on the swing, deep in thought.

“I think, I want to marry someone who treats me well. He has to be someone who takes good care of me, and loves me for who I am!” She stopped swinging, and giggled. “And, he has to be the most handsome man in the world!”

“You might be asking for too much, Gaeul.” I smiled from where I was standing.

“Well, if I can't find him, I guess I’ll marry you, if you promise to wait!”

She said it with a smile, but 10 year old me flushed. “I promise!” Perhaps too much conviction, for someone so young.

I was shaken out of that memory with the sound of the door opening. Gaeul stepped out carefully with her hand on the door frame, in my smallest shirt and still too loose track pants. Her face was flush from the steam, and she had a slightly sheepish smile.

“Sorry.” Then glancing around the room, “Your place always smells the same.”

I raised an eyebrow “Is that a good thing?” 

“Hmm, I don’t know.” She shrugged, then dropped onto the sofa beside me. “It smells clean.” She paused. “I like it.”

I poured her a cup of tea, and for a moment Gaeul just sat, warming her hands around it,  staring at the surface.

“I thought this one would last longer,” she muttered suddenly, almost to herself. “I really did.”

She let out a short laugh, like she regretted saying it. “That sounds kind of pathetic, huh?”

“Hey,” a hint of emotion wavering in my voice. “It's not. Please don’t say that about yourself.” My breath caught. “You’re not pathetic. Not to me.”

Gaeul was silent for a long moment. Too long. Then a sound escaped her. Slowly, she slumped backwards on the couch. In spite of myself I smiled. As I lifted her in my arms, Gaeul snuggled against my chest, muttering to herself. But she knew she was safe. Safe here. I carried her to the guest room and tucked her in, then sat down beside the bed. It felt like Gaeul’s room now, she had slept in here so many times before.

I sighed. Then, “I meant what I said that day,” more to the room than anything, “at the playground. You may have forgotten. But I always meant it.”

Gaeul let out a soft snore. I let out a small breath, my chest loosening. It was the first time I really said it out loud, but would things really change? Morning will come, Gaeul will wake up, thank me, and head back home. And I’ll still be here. Always.