debrief

“Your sorbet looks cold for a guy so depressed,” Yujin tells you. 

Though you respond, sardonically: “And you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love.”

-

To lay the heat where it burns the hottest: it’s summer now, and you’re finding company in a froyo place eleven hours after a gathering last night. Yujin’s got one short end of the stick, and you’re meeting her the opposite way. 

“Whatever happened to that girl from the third floor a while back? What was her name?” Yujin asks when she glances over at the fast waitress zipping by with an effortless glide to her stride and a killer bob; Rei, that was her name, had just asked the usual service inquiry if everything was up to par. No complaints here. “Was it Ning-something or was it Winter-” 

“Karina,” you answer. “I mean- we had her for my 24th last year because you invited her.” 

“Right,” laughs Yujin. It’s a very prettily tone, which kinda suits her. She loses a few brain cells here and there with others but has the beauty to cancel it out. “Almost forgot about that.” 

“You said that she was my type.” 

“Which I initially thought until you had one bad date with her and decided to never talk to her again.” 

“You said that with Somi, too,” you comment also. 

“Before we walked in on her with another girl on her bed,” she says, pulling a face of confusion. “Mind you, her over-the-top personality came second behind her tits.” 

All you do is sigh. 

Yujin grabs a spoonful of her mint chocolate, with the lightheartedness snuffed out like smoke beneath a fire. She got sidetracked as to why this hangout is currently taking place, but which begs the question: 

“Why are we here, then?” 

You shift your attention back to the girl sitting across with her elbows to the table, arms brandished and with that demeanor of ‘to never piss An Yujin off about anything, ever’. 

–

The story that’s gotten away was from a few years ago; in the same place, same table, same heat. It’s an isolated double date set up by you and Gaeul who thought it would be a good idea to pitch a relationship prospect to Yujin and the girl who always looked pristinely beautiful sitting in the front row of a simple philosophy class. Now, if Yujin learned about the philosophy about Jang Wonyoung, she would’ve excelled through getting a master’s degree in a heartbeat. Oh, you’ve seen it from a distance; from the very first meeting - the simple exchange of assignments and even meeting before the freaking doors of the lecture hall were opened - it was a full case of ‘no turning back’ for Yujin in any case. Until, one random night in the dorm and a couple of good knocks brought news that she and Wonyoung kissed. 

“Dude,” you recall telling her, bewildered. “At least take the girl out for a meal before you think of scissoring her.” 

“Shut up.” Crisscrossed on your bed, Yujin hurls a pillow at your face. “One of us is going to get laid.” 

With bad faith, and you still feel like an idiot saying this: “And one of us is going to get dumped.” 

–

The update struck like a bullet out of thin air. 

Yujin wouldn’t see daylight from her room for days. 

As for you. 

It’d be a revolving door with a cast of many wonderful people that have satiated the needs and struggles, but could never be a mainstay in your heart. 

–

Prior to the outing at the froyo you’ve always gone to since you were kids, Wonyoung and Yujin actually crossed paths once more - at your birthday party. 

Granted, it was every tick checked imaginable in terms of awkwardness, standing along the balcony with no eye contact whatsoever. Or- at least what you could make out of it across the room blasted with music and people putting cups to the ceiling. You look at both of them and wonder where it’d all gone wrong. There was a dealbreaker that settled it permanently, yet you couldn’t put your finger as to where. Maybe it was internal, or external. Only those two would know. But from when Yujin would stare at a distance back then, now she can’t even fathom to side-eye the poor woman. 

Yujin pulls you aside into the hallway, fists balled and eyes to the floor. “I can’t do this.” 

“What do you mean?” 

You grab her hand and she shoves it away. “I’d rather jump off the balcony than be in the same with her.” 

Jeez. It must’ve been pretty bad, then. 

–

“Do you wish you had done things differently?” You ask, swirling your empty glass. 

Yujin scoffs, clearly dissatisfied, but has made peace with what has transpired. Somewhat. “Oh, a hundred percent. If that were the case, I wish the roles here were reversed?” 

“Ouch,” you say, “You’re a real heartbreaker here.” 

“She said the exact same thing,” admits Yujin. “I was never able to understand it.” 

“What makes you say that?” 

“Like-” and it’s a little flippant impulse of frustration. “What good would it be for someone who is willing to provide everything for that other person, regardless of what adversities and struggles they may have faced, only to be cast aside and urges you to literally forget everything you ever did for them? Like who the fuck does that?” 

“You think yourself from the past would take the news like how you currently are?” 

“No! I should’ve done a lot of things differently,” Yujin says, tossing her spoon into the same cup of yours. “There’s nothing but good memories I have with her, and it hurts. To not be enough for one person and you can’t help but do everything to keep them in your life long after the damage has been already done.” 

(It’s a similar tale you’ve told to Yujin before, when Gaeul had to deal with an old flame of yours come into the fray. I’ve managed to heal and close the door, but still be human enough to turn back every now and then.) 

You grab Yujin’s hand, a comfort she hasn’t felt in probably a while. “We’re both the same, you and I. Two sides of the same coin.” 

In an instant, through a mirage under the beaming sun, she sobs. “But I don’t want to be.”