First Cum First Served And I'm Serving This Review

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC FADES IN]

NARRATOR (deep, soothing, slightly exhausted): "Life hurts. Your back hurts. Your heart hurts. Someone you know is sick, and you're running out of options."

[CUT TO: Male Lead leaning against a doorway, annoyingly handsome, holding a small cup]

NARRATOR: "Introducing CUM2A — the breakthrough you didn't know you didn't want to know about."

[CUT TO: Flash of scientists looking surprised. A newspaper headline flashes by: 'MIRACLE OR MENACE?']

NARRATOR: "Discovered incidentally. Definitely not weird. Definitely not about to upend society."

[CUT TO: Text on screen — "THE PAIN COMES. AND GOES."]

NARRATOR (faster now, like he's rushing through fine print): "CUM2A comes from a rare genetic mutation. Healing properties. Euphoric highs. And a whole lot of moral questions. Governments want to control it. Carriers want to escape. And somewhere in the middle, a very illegal, very profitable black market is thriving."

[CUT TO: A lab. A scientist yelling at mice.]

NARRATOR: "This is not FDA-approved. Not ethical. Not sustainable. And yet..."

[CUT TO: Male Lead shrugging at the camera]

NARRATOR (whispering now): "...you're still curious, aren't you?"

[TEXT ON SCREEN, SPOKEN AT LIGHT SPEED]: "Not a real product. No carriers were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Results may vary. If you find yourself getting too invested, please touch grass — then come back and read Chapter 2."

[FINAL SHOT: Male Lead holding up his sample cup like an Olympic torch. No context given. No spoilers attached.]

TAGLINE (bold, dramatic font):

CUM2A™ : When life gets hard. Come Twice.

[FADE TO BLACK]

[POST-CREDITS SCENE: Muffled yelling about mice. You don't know why yet. Read to find out.]

Welcome back to the drama and the mess bitches and today’s post is my first requested review. Yay me.

So when I started The Rant Cafe, I got a request from one of the reader, @Okay to review their fanfic, CUMaA and I was like: bet. Let’s see what you’ve cooked.

I read it and BOY do I have some thoughts. So let’s get into it.

So CUM2A is set in what I assume is a futuristic cyberpunk dystopia where a rare genetic mutation called CUM2A exists in small population of the men in that universe were their sperm is used to heal and treat all illnesses and injuries and is used as a recreational drug.

In other word: Cum in this universe is basical painkillers on crack and steroids.

We’re off to an interesting start. Imagine Cum being used as the ultimate painkiller and treatment.

You got period cramps? Here take some CUM2A.

You got explosive diarrhea? CUM2A got you covered.

You got an STD? I got some CUM2A in the bathroom cabinet.

You got cancer? Be sure to sign up for our CUM2A chemo treatments.

Like bro, this is the most pornoflic concept I’ve read in all my years of reading smut and I honestly respect the dedication. If this was was ever made into a pornhub movie, I’d probably watch it with some popcorn and a Sprite and see the plot through.

Anyway, there’s a catch. Of course there is. A lot of the messy fanfic I’ve read always have a catch. It’s a given at this point.

So, the catch is:

• You have to take a special pill to "activate" the gene. If you take the pill and don't have the gene? You die. So no faking it.

• Carriers are infertile. Nature's way of balancing the scales, and the perfect excuse to for the dudes to raw dog and creamy pie the girls without consequence.

• Most carriers have one copy of the mutation (heterozygous). There are a handful of niggas who have two copies of the mutation (homozygous), which makes their sperm even more potent — and direct insemination (iykyk) works better than other methods. They can still do the shit that the heterozygous niggas can do, (healing through blowjobs and handjobs) BUT effects of CUM2A for the niggas with the homozygous gene works twice as much through vaginal and even anal sex.

And our Y/N, O, not only is one of the niggas with the mutation, but he’s also one of the nigga with the homozygous gene because of course he does 😀.

At first, carriers were heroes who were willing to help humanity. That is until governments and pharmaceutical companies realized the money/power potential and started forcing carriers to donate their sperm for the "greater good" — no pay, no freedom, no choice. Basically human milk machines and sex slaves and I hate to image what these greedy fucks would do to the nigga with the homozygous gene.

Of course these niggas would jump at the opportunity to capitalise on this shit. It's the government. You think these mutha fuckas care about treating their cash cows like humans? 💀

And this is where O comes in. So O and his crew V and B created a Black Market business where they sell recreational doses to rich women who want the best high on earth.

V — handles logistics and clients

B — scientist trying to replicate the mutation (failing so far)

O — the only carrier, the product, the "patient zero"

Karina and Miyeon handle with extracting samples outta O for research and experimentation. Basically these girls have to fuck him to get his cum.

It's illegal, wildly profitable, and O gets to keep his autonomy and stick his dick in anything with a vagina and tits as long at it gets his dick wet (and probably have an excuse to fuck and get handjobs and blowjobs from pretty rich women and obviously loves his job).

So O meets Chaewon, who somehow tracked him down out of desperation to help out her friend Minju who was badly injured and slipping in and out of comas. And just a few minutes of meeting this chick, O is already smitten and drawn to her and we later find out it’s because Chaewon reminds him of his dead ex girlfriend Yuri, who was part of his team.

I dunno about y’all but if a nigga tells me that he’s drawn to me because I remind him of his dead ex girlfriend, WHO HE’S STILL EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED AND ENTANGLED WITH, that would be a nope for me dawg. I learnt my lesson about men who are still emotionally attached to their ex from Jimin in His Tutor Girl.

So O decides to help Chaewon without her having to pay him shit. Even though this nigga KNOWS that this chick is keeping something from him but he’s not going to press for answers from her.

Either this dude is careless and stupid for even agreeing to help her while knowing that she’s keeping shit from from him. Or she can suck dick and give handjobs like a pornstar. Or that kiss she gave him within minutes or hours of them meeting, while she was giving him a handjob rewrote his brain chemistry.

But then again, he’s a Y/N. When has Y/Ns EVER used logic 🙃🙃🙃🙃

Also there’s a petition called “Creamy Pie or Die” where people are arguing that the hospitals should mandate the CUM2A niggas to “fuck those in need” and that shit had a thousand signatures.

Again, the most pornoflic shit I’ve read and mad respect to the author for the dedicating the concept.

@Okay you asked me what I think of your Y/N.

Well…