The magic girl

It was a random thursday afternoon, you finished your lunch just ten minutes before, you were already savoring the soft feeling of your mattress, ready to give you comfort with one of those coma-like naps. One of those where you know when you close your eyes but you have no idea when you will open them again. One hour? The next day? In the year 3000?

Honestly you didn’t even care, the next morning you had a free schedule, so you had the perfect chance to mess your routine for once.

You changed your work clothes in a more comfy outfit, you sat on your bed, you put the Do Not Disturb mode on your phone. You were just about to get lost in the dreams realm, when…

A noise so loud that it seem the oven fucking exploded made your eyes open wide. “Oh god, the aliens, the monsters, my grandma in a wheelchair”, you shouted, launching yourself down the bed and covering your head from bombs or any other danger in your apartment.

“Dude…what the fuck are you doing?”, an harmonious female voice questioned your behaviour with a not-so-well hidden hint of disdain in her tone.

When you finally looked up there was not a monster waiting for you, but instead this girl that looked like she came out straight out one of those gooning videogames you always play in the middle of the night.

Her outfit was completely black, from her shoes, to her sleeveless shirt to the huge top hat. It was not different for her hair, long and raven coloured, and for make-up, smoky and heavy. The look was completely by a bunch of extra-large feathers that gave her figure at least those 30 centimeters that mother nature took away from her.

“Who…who the hell are you? And what are you doing in my house?”, you asked, still laying on the pavement while looking up at her.

“I think what you meant to say was…Oh my god, a magical girl finally appeared in my shitty life to make it better and finally give some worth to my existence”, she corrected you, belitting your whole persona with such an ease that you wondered if cursing was her main job. “Am I right?”.

“…what?”, you could not help but feeling confused by whatever was happening in that room. You even pinched your own cheek to understand if it was real or not.

“Are you naturally slow or do you regret to being a newborn in front of pretty girls?”, the girl sighed, facepalming herself.

“You know what? I don’t even want to know, you’re gonna probably end up talking for hours about past traumas and the mommy kink you have”, she interrupted before you could even formulate the answer in your head.

“Can I at least know who the hell are you?”, you asked, trying to put puzzles piece together while finally getting up to sit on the edge of your bed.

“Oh, right, I have not still introduced myself”, the girl cleared her voice, did a little spin on herself and in the end posed. “I’m Gaeul, the fantastic magical girl, here to make your miserable life better”.

You were really tempted to simply ask “what” again, but something inside you was suggesting you would have been insulted again if you did that…that didn’t sound too bad on paper.

“So…are you like a lamp genie?”, you asked hesitantly, but in response Gaeul quickly took off her shoe and threw that against your face.

“Yah, your mother is a lamp genie, don’t even try to compare me to those beings, do you maybe see shuckles to my wrists, you fucking moron?”, she cursed at you, groaning and regretting you as her new target.

“Jeez, alright, I’m sorry”, you apologized, still covering your face with hands to avoid to being hit again. “So how are you going to help me making my life better?”.

“Oh, that’s simple: I’m gonna grant you three wishes!”, she explained, ending with a plastic smile.

“So…exactly like a genie-”, you didn’t even end up pronouncing the last word that her other word landed on your face.

“I’ve run out of shoes, next time I’m gonna choke you”, she warned you, and you could only pray that she was going to use her thighs.

“So, what’s the first wish? Let’s end up quickly, I don’t have the whole day”, she sighed, looking to an imaginary clock.

“Eh? Can I have some time to think about it? I barely absorbed the news”, you complained, feeling hurried in such an important decision.

“Dude, no, you’ll make the readers bored”, she denied your request, shaking her head and making her feathers bounce.

“The readers?”, you looked at her with an ever more confused expression than before.

“Yeah, those who are gonna read this stupid fic. Do you think I like going around dressed this way? What am I? A Bioshock character?”. Her tone was sharp and sarcastic, but you didn’t even notice that because your mind had been wrecked.

“Fic? What are you talking about? I’m a real person, I have a past, a life, a job…”, you were expressing all your sadness and pain in such a discovery but Gaeul just rolled her eyes back in annoyance.

“What are you even complaining about? The author was kinda enough to make you employed, many of the readers can’t even relate to that, lazy ass gooners”, she replied, unimpressed, while checking the state of her nails.

“Oh great, I’m not even the character of an epic journeyto make me an hero. Of course, no, I’m a random dude in a fanfiction”, you facepalmed yourself so hard that you left a red handprint on your own face.

“Do I even get the chance to bang someone?”, you managed to ask, with the last amount of hope remaining in your body.

“Dude…this is an entry for a crack contest…”, she looked at you with actual pity this time.

“FUCKING HELL!”.