The Ability to Not Care

“Choi,” Coach Son called, her small frame squatting down by the edge of the pool, tucking her clipboard underneath her arm. “You doing okay? You don’t seem as fluid as yesterday and you forgot to finish the last two laps.”

Jiwoo blinked, trying to catch her breath. “I did?”

Her coach gave her a concerned look, gesturing to her to get up from the water. She sighed, disappointed that this was happening and it was only the first week of her training with them again. 

Before she maneuvered herself out of the water, she had to brace the pain that was still faint at the side of her rib. Her mother did a number to her the other night. Same situation, same stupid reasons, but the punishments were getting worse each time. She had to bite in the pain as she lifted herself up and sat on the ledge. She removed her goggles, letting her shoulders slump from exhaustion.

“Is everything okay?” her coach asked, settling next to her. 

Jiwoo looked away, trying to find a good excuse as to why this was happening. How could she have missed out the last two laps? She counted sixteen. Unless she didn’t do the sixteen? That was strange. 

“Usually you’re not this distracted, but I’ve been noticing your head is somewhere else,” her coach added when she still remained quiet. But her tone was gentle, far from a reprimand but enough to make Jiwoo understand that she needed to listen. “I may not be the best person to talk to regarding these things, but if there’s something you need to let out, then I’m here for you, yeah?”

Her hands clench. 

Of course she wanted to talk to someone. But how could she even bring it up? What was the safest thing to say but also allow her to let go of all the painful things that brewed inside of her chest? It wasn’t like that she could just tell anyone about the horrible things her mother and her stepfather have been doing whenever they get angry. Her mother had ways to slip out of trouble and Jiwoo was just a girl. She was helpless. No one wanted to help her. 

Jimin could have. She knew that too. But she didn’t want to put that burden on her sister. Jimin had a future, and she was too pure for this world to taint. So Jiwoo refused to ask for help from her as well. Because even if she loved her half-sister so dearly, there was still this inkling feeling at the back of her mind that Jimin might not help her at all. What if her sister found out about the horrible, dirty details and she left too? What if she didn’t want to involve herself? What if she disowned Jiwoo and continued her life without knowing she had a younger sister?

That was the worst thing that could happen to her. She didn’t want that to happen. 

“I’m okay, coach,” Jiwoo ended up saying. “I think I simply made a mistake, sometimes I overcalculate things and end up being wrong.”

Coach Son chuckled. “Well, geniuses are allowed to mess up,” she said, trying to make things lighthearted between them. “My wife is too smart for her own good, but sometimes she forgets to turn off the tap or leaves the refrigerator door open after grabbing something.”

That made her blink. Did she hear that right? “You have a wife?”

Her coach raised a brow, looking pleasantly surprised by this. “I do. You didn’t know?”

She shook her head. But then she realized how she blurted that out. How could she be so rude?  

“Well, it wasn’t so easy for us honestly,” Coach Son said softly. “The school knows I have a wife but there are teachers who have choice words whenever the topic arises. But it's nothing I can’t handle.”

“Does your wife have a hard time too?” she couldn’t help but ask. Coach Son wasn’t upset about her asking, so she assumed it was safe to question. Plus her curiosity got to her. She just didn’t expect her coach to be so open about something as sensitive as this. 

Her coach shrugged. “Initially. She didn't tell her workmates that she was married to me, just that she was married. That's why things have been pretty tame for now,” she explained, but then she laughed to herself. “I’m mostly not worried because she told me she didn’t care and if she didn’t then I shouldn’t either.”

For some reason, that made Jiwoo speechless. 

If they didn’t care… then she shouldn’t as well…

That was the first time she heard something like that. Because she couldn’t imagine just… not caring about something so serious. Jiwoo wasn’t childish enough to not know the pain of being ridiculed and outcasted for sexual preference. Heck, she knew she liked girls when she was in middle school, but the moment her mother caught wind, Jiwoo immediately was brought to the church to repent for even having a single thought about it. If she could choose to not be attracted to anyone, she would. But that was impossible, and having a crush on someone for the first time was evident enough that she couldn't control that part of her heart. 

Still. 

Her own sexuality had been hidden for so long, so meeting someone who was the same and being so carefree about it was completely new. If anything, it was strange. She couldn’t imagine herself choosing to not care at all. Deep down inside, everything mattered. What people thought of her mattered, what she did in public, in front of her peers, in front of her sister, in front of her parents. Everything was calculated and precise and it had to be perfect. There hadn’t been a moment in her life where she told herself that she didn’t want to care. 

It was reckless. But for some reason, hearing the words come out of her coach felt… liberating. A feeling that she wanted to chase. 

“Can you keep going?” her coach suddenly asked, breaking her from her thoughts.

She nodded immediately, already placing her goggles back on. “Of course.”

Coach Son smiled at her, taking the clipboard and standing up. “Two by two hundred meters, free, fly and then breast,” she instructed. “Once that’s done, you can brush up and head out. I’ll keep watch, so if you miss out a lap, I’ll whistle. Okay?”

“Yes, coach.” Once her goggles were on, she dipped back in the water. She fixed her hair inside her swimming cap, adjusted her goggles once more, made her arms loose underneath the water, ignoring the faint pain on her stomach and when she was ready, she dove in the water, kicked off from the wall and swam out. 

“I’m not worried because she told me she didn’t care and if she didn’t then I shouldn’t either.”

The words were still playing in her head. She tried not to be distracted, because each time she had exercises that took more time to finish, her mind almost always wandered off. But there was something inside of her that couldn’t shake it off. 

Jiwoo wondered if her life would have been a bit different if she tried not to care as well. That she could simply choose to leave whatever she was worried about behind and move on. Would she be happier if she knew how to do that? But what if things went into chaos because she lost control over herself? 

Sometimes she believed that the reason why she was this miserable was because she always chose to torture herself. Maybe all this time, she chose to be a coward, remained to be one and will always be one. 

There are moments where she wished she could be swept away by the water. Swimming was different from ballet. Back then, music helped her escape reality for fleeting moments. But since she had to give that up, all she could wish for now was to drown herself in the water. Or wait for a day that her body would flow and drift off, not knowing where the water would take her. 

If only. 

The day was peaceful enough for her. The house was empty when she woke up that morning. During breakfast, Jungsoo came by the house to tell her that her mother and her stepfather went to Busan for a business meeting. According to the family driver, the company provided the transportation and were also going to drive them back home. It seemed that both of them finally had a free day. 

This was the most freedom she had, it was sad to admit, but she enjoyed the idea of her being able to do what she could within the timeframe of her mother not being there. Sometimes she wished they could take more days off just so Jiwoo could breathe. But a whole day was good enough. 

Jungsoo helped her make breakfast with whatever was around in their house, he waited for her to get ready and dropped her off at school since she had practice that morning. Then he reminded her that her mom was coming home before dinner time, so she had to be home before they did. Which was doable, Jiwoo had nothing else scheduled, just her tutoring session with the freshman. Once that was over, she planned on going straight home, hiding in her room until it was dinner time. 

It was solid and it allowed her to breathe. 

Which was why she was already at the library entrance, waiting for her student to arrive. The earlier they could start, the earlier they could finish and Jiwoo would have the rest of the time alone in peace. 

Jiwoo would have waited inside, prepared everything they needed but she didn’t want to give a bad impression on this student. From what Miss Yoo told her, Nayeon had transferred from a different middle school, living alone with her grandparents and was having a hard time making friends at school. Jiwoo thought that perhaps meeting Nayeon in person first before settling inside the library would be more appropriate. 

There was no reason for tension between them, and Jiwoo understood that some individuals could concentrate properly when they were in a comfortable environment. She was determined to make that happen. Miss Yoo emphasized the part about Nayeon’s difficulty in making friends, so Jiwoo wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t be too much on Nayeon. A distracted, tensed mind might cause issues in their session.

The girl excelled in her studies, however. Despite being closed off and always kept to herself. She did so much for her academics that it was very admirable for Jiwoo. It honestly felt like she was similar to Nayeon already, but she knew that there was more to this girl than whatever she knew. Surely, there was a reason why she needed tutoring sessions. Perhaps Nayeon wanted to take extra credits, graduate early, and get a scholarship for the well-known universities in Seoul. It could be anything. 

Then again, it wasn’t really Jiwoo’s business to know. But she was still making the effort. She just hoped that Nayeon could voice out any concerns if she had any. It would be difficult if Nayeon would think that she wasn’t open for any of that. 

“Is that her?” a voice suddenly came from the side. 

Jiwoo turned her head, a tad bit surprised to see two girls standing a few meters away from her. One of them had a large backpack with her, hugging a book. Then the other girl was slightly taller, a guitar case behind her, constantly glancing at her. 

Wait… she looked familiar. 

“Hi!” the girl with the guitar waved at her. Jiwoo blinked, looking behind her in case it was someone else. But there was no one. The girl let out a giggle then skipped towards her. “Jiwoo unnie,” she suddenly greeted, then bowed. “I’m Stella Dahyun Kim! We’re classmates!”

She blinked again. 

Stella Dahyun Kim?