Hole In The Wall

It was like a dream she didn’t want to wake up from. Something that made her warm and tingly inside. Something that made her wish that it was home. Where she wasn’t touched, wasn’t bruised, her body didn’t ache like this, and her heart wasn’t as fragile as this. 

Sadly, these moments were always fleeting. Always temporary. They weren’t real, even if she tried her best to make it real, it wasn’t going to happen for her. 

Jiwoo stood in front of the mirror, begrudgingly staring at her reflection. She was sore, bruised all over. Some didn’t bleed out on her skin, some did, but only on parts she could cover. 

She scoffed. Like she was supposed to believe they did her a favor and tainted her skin methodically. Each one reminded her that she was trapped, freedom slowly slipping through her fingertips like water. There was nothing to hold onto and each time she saw her body like this, she wanted to give up. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

Jiwoo had faint memories of happiness. When her father carried her over her shoulders after she made her first friend at the park. When she received her first award at school and her father was there, holding a camera up and smiling at her like he was the proudest father ever. 

When her half-sister defended her for the first time. When they went out to get ice cream at the dead of night because their own home didn’t feel like it at all. When Jimin said she was proud of her, or when she stayed with Jiwoo throughout her father’s funeral and promised her that she was going to be her family no matter what even if they only met from horrible circumstances. 

The feeling and the memories were starting to fade away, and she had no idea what to do. 

Jimin told her that once she graduated from high school, she was going to take her away from this house. But how long would that be? Did she have the time to wait? Was she able to hope? What if things didn’t pan out? What if she couldn’t survive? What if along the way… Jiwoo decided to give up?

Tears were stinging her eyes again. Hands clenched so hard it started to hurt more than it did. 

Jiwoo hated seeing herself like this. 

Weak.

Bruised.

Hopeless.

Each morning was another test. That she had to figure out how to survive the day without being beaten up again. Or wonder if she was going to get a proper meal throughout the day. How long was she going to endure all of this until something good finally happened to her?

She lifted her hand, gently wiped away the tears from her face, careful enough so she didn't press too hard on her bruises. She took a deep breath, trying her best to feel her hands, to ground herself, to listen to the quiet voice inside her head.

“I-I…” her voice trembled as the words came out, almost choking her. “I can do this,” she whispered out, the tears flowing out again, the pain in her chest returning and the aching throbbing in this blunt way that made her want to tear her skin out. 

The silence inside her bathroom was a sign of safety. The flimsy lock on her door was enough to give her time to compose herself before she needed to go out again. 

At least the school year finally started. She already knew what was expected of her, so she had to find ways to keep herself busy, keep her away from this hellhole as much as possible—if they would allow it. She was smart. Extremely smart. But she needed to plan this properly. 

That was the only thing she could do. 

There was a gentle tap on her shoulder, and it took a lot in her not to flinch. She composed herself and looked up, Carmen was looking at her with that innocent, yet mischievous, smile that she always brought to the room. 

“Did you get the tutoring thing done?” she asked, plopping herself on the seat that was in front of her. Jueun probably wouldn’t mind. 

“I did,” Jiwoo responded, eyes going back to her notebook, finishing the notes that she was preparing for said tutoring session. “First year. Just for math and maybe a bit of science. But I know she only wants tutoring lessons because she’s on a scholarship and needs as much help as possible.”

Carmen leaned her elbow at the edge of her desk, knowing that she didn’t like any disruptions while she worked. Her friend always knew what the right amount of chaos was before pushing her buttons. “Well, that’s why they chose you,” her friend said cheerfully. “You’re the smartest student in this entire school. I mean you’ve been number one on the list since we were still in middle school.”

She couldn’t help but scoff. There was a reason for that. But saying the reason out loud wasn't necessary. She also didn't want Carmen to know. That was too much, and Jiwoo liked that they were always at arms length from each other. This kind of distance was better than exposing anyone from the darkness that she kept inside. Haram had an idea, but it was an unspoken agreement between them that they wouldn't talk about it. Ever.

“When do you guys start? This weekend?”

Jiwoo hummed a response, finally done with what she was writing. She slowly packed her things, placing her pencils and pens inside her pencil box neatly. 

“Why not after class? Sumin told me she was gonna start tutoring her freshman later after class?” Carmen quickly asked.

“Swimming practice starts this week, so I can’t squeeze that in with my own review with my new tutor from the university.”

She suddenly felt a heavy stare, and there was no immediate response from Carmen, which was odd because the girl always had something to say. She glanced up, her friend looked at her like she grew a second head, but this wasn’t new. Carmen always gave her silly faces. But it was mostly teasing. This one felt different. Jiwoo raised a brow. 

“The school year just started and you’re already doing everything at the same time?” she questioned. 

Her expression didn’t change, not entirely fazed by Carmen’s statement. “I like to keep myself busy.”

“You’re just a student,” she argued.

“I’m capable,” Jiwoo argued back, trying not to be peeved by it or the fact that she had to be defensive about it when she knew that Carmen was looking out for her. 

Carmen shook her head, then sighed. “Will you even have time to hang out with us?”

That made her pause. 

The memories of the previous year came again. Carmen made friends with Jueun, Haram and Yuna, they immediately bonded, and Jiwoo was just the extra friend that was convenient to fill in the gaps whenever they needed an extra member for group activities. 

But then they kept asking her to hang out after class. After her training. After her own tutoring sessions with the college student her mother hired just to secure her number one spot. She remembered when Jiwoo lied and snuck out of training and the tutoring sessions to actually be with them. It was the first time she felt so liberated. 

Her mother found out immediately. The tutor was a snitch. Her mother arrived at the mall they were in, dragged her out quietly, rushing her home only to be beaten until she couldn’t breathe. Jiwoo didn’t eat at all until the morning. Her stepfather’s driver was the only one who slipped in a small meal for her when the house was quiet. 

It wasn’t like Jiwoo didn’t want to be with them, she honestly liked them. Despite their quirky personalities mashed together like a colorful pile of goop. She really liked them.

But they didn’t know the nightmare she lived in. But she had to always give an excuse and to her surprise, they always understood, making sure that they could spend each break with her. She was able to find a small-time frame within her day after class to spend it with them, but it wouldn’t last more than five minutes and then she was already gone, forced to do her routine so she could go home at the time her mother expected of her. 

“I’ll find time,” she said, trying to keep her tone neutral. She didn’t want to give empty promises, but she didn’t want to keep neglecting them. “You know how it is.”

Carmen nodded understandingly, but then she raised both her brows. “Your mom seriously needs to take a chill pill.”

She scoffed again. Her mother and stepfather needed something more than that. 

Damn. She really missed Jimin. 

“The girls are always here anyway, and they don’t mind,” Carmen then said, in that tone where she was trying to make things better with words of assurance. Jiwoo really appreciated it. 

If only she could do more for her friends. If only she wasn’t a coward.

“Thanks,” she replied softly, and she meant it. 

“Oh yeah, you know about my new partner for the morning announcements?” Carmen suddenly asked, hands on the backrest of the chair and she rested her chin on them.

Jiwoo nodded, taking out the books that she needed for later. “The one from Canada?”