tonight was too much

CONFESSION #001

SUBJECT: Jang Wonyoung (IVE)

DEVICE: iPhone 15 Pro Max — Rose Gold

APPLE ID: ████████@icloud.com

FOLDER: Personal / Private / unnamed

FILE TITLE: "tonight was too much"

CREATED: May 13, 2024 — 03:58 AM KST

LAST MODIFIED: May 13, 2024 — 04:41 AM KST

SYNC STATUS: Backed up to iCloud

ENCRYPTION: BREACHED

[ FILE OPENED ]

tonight was too much

3:58 am. can't sleep again.

i just showered for like forty minutes. the hot water ran out and i just stood there under the cold like an idiot. yujin knocked once and asked if i was okay and i said yes unnie just doing a hair mask. she believed me. she always believes me. everyone always believes me.

i should be sleeping. we have the vlive at 8 and hair and makeup at 6:30 which means my alarm goes off in two hours and twenty-seven minutes. i should put this phone down. i should close my eyes and think about nothing and be the good girl everyone thinks i am.

but i can't stop replaying today.

god. today.

okay let me just... write it out. all of it. maybe if i get it out of my head and into this stupid little note i'll finally be able to sleep. that's what the therapist said right? journaling helps process emotions? lol. pretty sure she didn't mean this kind of journaling.

whatever. nobody's going to read this. it's password protected. it's in a folder inside a folder inside a folder. i'm safe.

fine.

so the day started normal. wake up at 5. van to MBC by 5:40. pre-recording for music core. i wore the blue outfit — the short one with the ribbon detail that the stylists had to pin in three places because it kept riding up. we performed HEYA twice. the first take was fine. the second one was better. PD-nim said i looked "alive" today. 

yeah. i was alive today. just not for the reasons he thinks.

because here's the thing.

i wore it.

i've been doing this for... maybe two months now? three? i ordered it from that japanese site that ships in completely blank packaging. it's small. really small. rose gold (lol, matches my phone, i'm so aesthetic even when i'm being a freak). it sits right against me and the underwear keeps it in place and unless you're literally staring between my legs you cannot tell. trust me i've checked in the practice room mirror like fifteen times.

the app is on my phone. i control it myself. i'm not that crazy — i'm not giving anyone else that power. this is mine. MY secret. MY control.

so during the pre-recording i had it on the lowest setting. barely anything. like a hum. you know when your phone vibrates in your pocket and you almost don't notice? like that. except it's not in my pocket. it's pressed right against my clit and i'm hitting choreography in front of three hundred fans and four broadcast cameras and i have to look like i'm having the time of my life.

which. i mean. i WAS.

the thing about performing with it in is that everything becomes... sharper? like my senses go into overdrive. i can feel the bass from the speakers in my chest AND between my legs at the same time. when the fans scream my name during my center part it vibrates through my whole body and mixes with the OTHER vibration and i swear to god during the second take of HEYA i almost lost it during the hip move in the second chorus.

almost.

i didn't. i never do. that's the game. getting as close as possible without breaking character. jang wonyoung doesn't sweat. jang wonyoung doesn't flinch. jang wonyoung smiles like she was manufactured in a lab to be perfect and that is EXACTLY what makes it so fucking good because nobody — NOBODY — knows that the nation's princess is clenching around a vibrator on live broadcast.

i could win an oscar honestly.

okay that was the morning. that was just the warm-up. that's not why i can't sleep.

the fansign was at 2pm. coex. big venue. maybe a hundred fans? i wore a white dress. very pure. very "look at me i'm your innocent tall angel." my manager said i looked like a doll. a DOLL. i smiled and said thank you oppa~~ with the voice and everything and inside i was thinking about what i was going to do later that night but he doesn't know that. nobody knows that.

i kept the toy in for the fansign too. turned it up one level. 

there was this one fan. a guy. maybe mid twenties. he got to my seat and his hands were shaking so bad he almost dropped his album. he looked at me like i was... i don't know. like i was something sacred. like he couldn't believe i was real. and i did the thing i always do — i leaned in, i tilted my head, i said "aigoo you're shaking, are you nervous? don't be nervous, i'm just a normal girl~" and he almost cried.

i'm just a normal girl.

i said that while a vibrator was buzzing against me under a white dress at a table surrounded by fans and staff and cameras.

i'm a terrible person.

no. wait. i take that back. i'm not terrible. i'm... i don't know what i am. but i'm not sorry. i looked into that fan's eyes and he worshipped me and i could feel the vibration building and i smiled at him with my perfect teeth and i felt like a god. 

is that fucked up? that's fucked up right?

i don't care.

next fan was a little girl. maybe ten years old. she drew me a picture. it was me in a princess dress with a crown and she wrote "wonyoungie is the prettiest person in the whole world" in crayon and i held it up and the fansites got their photos and i said "wahh did you draw this yourself? you're so talented!" and she was so happy

and the entire time the toy was on level two and i was wet enough to feel it on my thighs and i had to squeeze my legs together under the table and tilt the drawing at a specific angle so the cameras would focus on it and not on the way my other hand was gripping the edge of my chair

i'm going to hell.

actually no i'm going to the miu miu show in paris in a few months and i'll sit front row and nobody will know. that's worse than hell. hell at least has consequences.