Selamat(,) Tinggal(?)

Selamat : adj. Congratulations; Safe

Tinggal : adj. Stay; Left(behind)

When you put the two together, the meaning transforms in a literal manner to a way of saying “Good Bye.”

But, honestly, is there ever a good in any bye(s)?

The sun is scorching hot. Some would probably say Bali is a heaven of a destination, and that might probably be true in a lot of sense. But for you who’s been living there for your entire life, you would probably argue that any other place is a better place than the one you’re at.

Heat makes you stupid. Literally. It slows down your brain. Hinders your bodily functions. Which are not the things you would exactly prefer when you’re doing the work of at least five men today.

As a pig farmer, you’re not really expected to work in cool places anyway. Farms are hot, stuffy, and really just borderline uncomfortable. But you endured. To be fair, you can be called lucky for having this job. The economy has been on a steady downfall for the past few years now. The slump from COVID, and the absolute shite of this new regime of government in Indonesia, have only been doing bad things towards the workers class. 

Again, you’re lucky to be able to work at all. The unemployment rate is at an all time high. Prices are skyrocketing. Wages on the other hand, is at a steady decrease. That being said, it doesn’t mean that you can’t complain about having such a shitty day at your job today.

Shitty day. Pigs eat trash. Literal trash. It doesn't mean that farmers would deliberately give them trash for their meal every day, it’s just that these animals' appetites are so bottomless that they would eat everything they can set their eyes upon. Normally, your job is only to count things. Yes, as a bachelor of Economy, you’re tasked to manage the financial aspect of the whole farm. But most business owners in the country are the type who want maximum profit for minimum cost, which means doubling jobs is a common occurrence here. The farm owner you work for isn’t an exception. Today, your job is quadrupling.

The one in charge of cleaning the site, feeding the pigs, and managing the meatstock are usually different people. Somehow, someway, in this very miraculously unsuspicious manner, they are all absent for the day. Needless to say, your job today is to handle all of those, on top of your own.

“I never fucking signed up for this,” you wipe the beads of sweat off your forehead. You’ve been cleaning the farm for almost an hour now. Which you now know, is not the wisest thing to do at literal noon. If you weren’t already conditioned to the smell of a pig farm, you would probably have fainted since the first time you entered the place.

“Rude 이랬다저랬다, no rule 꽤나 뻔뻔한 attitude (I'm not bad) You can't make me act right Rude I don't care, 이게 나라구 아무렇게나 추는 춤 (따라 해) You can't make me act right”

The energetic beat of this newly released song from Hearts2Hearts, titled RUDE!, is blasting off your SONY WF-1000XM6 Wireless Noise Cancelling Earbuds.

You smile a bitter smile. The voice is crisp, clear, and oh so harmonious to your ears. No, it’s not because you’re wearing the state of the art earbuds(even though you are), rather it’s because you heard a familiar voice. A voice that belongs to a woman you knew, an acquaintance, you would probably go as far as saying she’s a friend. It’s the voice of Carmen. She sounds as powerful as she ever was in this song. A tear slowly forms on the corner of your eyes.

The whole discography of Hearts2Hearts played out in a heartbeat. They’re a new group, so there really isn’t that much song as of now. But, of all the songs that they do have, it all sounds good. At least for you that is. You don’t even know if they actually are that good, or is it just your particular feelings towards Carmen that makes their song sounds amazing.

You knew Carmen back when you’re still in high school. She’s a fleeting passage. A presence so mystifying that you’re not entirely sure whether she was actually real or not. She enrolled in the same school as yours for only the first year before dropping out and going radio silent. To be fair, the time when this happened was in the middle of the pandemic. So you wouldn’t know much about people of your age in there anyway. But, Carmen was not just any person.

The first time you ever heard her name was when the class was doing its first ever roll call. Her student’s ID is right above yours, so naturally you got to know something about her—albeit only her name at the time. On that same day, you decided to chat with her. If you were to be asked why? You’re not sure. You just felt that you and her would have a good chemistry in some way.

hi, carmen is it?
hiii, Who is this?im the person right next to your students ID. Teacher called my name in first period, you happen to be right before me so..., nice to meet you..? Save my number pls?ahhh, okok!

It started off like that. If you went back to the past to tell this little guy in his first year of high school that this friend of his would become one of the biggest rising stars in the K-Pop world, that little guy would probably laugh it off and call you delusional.

“I cannot focus on anything but you, baby I cannot focus on anything but you 초점 뒤의 흐릿한 반투명한 my view, baby I cannot focus on anything, on anyone, but you”

You whistle to the melody. Being lost in their songs is a good way to forget the fact that you are currently scraping off pig’s manure from the flooring of the farm.

“Wait a damn minute,” you raise your head and pinch your eyes in order to remember something.

“I cannot focus-”

“SHIT!” you shout, unironically standing beside a pile of shit.

“IT’S HARVESTING DAY TOMORROW!” you hurry to the main office of the farm. “How can I fucking forget that its already November whatthefuck,” you mumble as you open the sales logbook.

Harvesting day for a pig farm really means to sell pigs that are deemed ready to supply the market’s demands. The larger a farm is, the more often the sales become, since pigs are generally marketable in every age they’re in. The farm you’re working with is, however, not that big of a farm, so you really only have to account for pigs that are ready for slaughter—6-8 months old, weighing around 100-130kg. 

Despite the farm being only adequately sized, the nature of the Balinese people to have so many holidays in a year makes it so that the sales of the pigs are still frequent enough to be called ‘busy’. The busiest day is still the same as it is anywhere else internationally. That is, during Christmas and New Year.

You jot down the number of the pigs that are available for December. There’s quite a lot of them currently, even you are amazed by the number of possible sales in the coming month.

“Alright, phew, now to send it to J-mon, my favorite boss. Man that guy must be stoked to see this number,” you say before reporting the numbers in the book to the owner of the farm. You’re honestly expecting a hefty bonus for this amount of pigs.

thats nice. We’re selling a lot this year. I know right? Meaning, a lot of bonus too, ya?haha. No.

You laugh behind the screen. You know your boss is joking, he’s that kind of guy. He’s actually pretty chill, but the best thing about him is that he’s a fair person. Always compensates his workers as much as they have worked. You’d put him in a higher regard if only he knew the limit of a human body–which apparently, he doesn’t.

Then you close the chatbox. 

By sheer accident, your hand slides across the archived message that you’ve kept hidden for the last three years. You accidentally open that chat again.

I’ll be going for god knows how long. Probably wont return to school.

Good bye

.

.

.

You take a good five seconds fixating on her messages. It is the last remnant of her trace in your life. After that message, She was never seen, heard, or really showed anything at all. Radio silence, for approximately three years. It was a scary experience to suddenly have her disappear from the face of the earth. You thought something bad happened. You couldn’t get any clearance on her. Not even her family knew what was going on. Until suddenly, last year, her face emerged once again. Carmen, a Balinese girl, a girl you befriended in highschool, a member of Hearts2Hearts, a K-Pop idol.

Good bye.

What the fuck is good about this?

You almost threw your phone into the bucket of pigs feed, but your self control got in the way. You can only smile in defeat. Your whole body feels weak—completely separate from the fact that you just did four men's work for half the day—so weak that you feel like you’re about to pass out in that farm’s office.

You try to be reasonable. Reason to yourself. Try to understand the things she must have gone through, for her to become an idol. It doesn’t happen overnight. Three long years in the making. Presumably, three long years of complete suffering and isolation. She must have had her own reason(s). But then again, so do you.

You miss her. Is that not reason enough?

December has come sooner than later. Your body gets more and more beat up these past few weeks. As it turns out, two of the workers in the farm have resigned without doing so much of a notice. J-mon couldn’t find a replacement soon enough for the year, so the remaining workers have to put up with the amount of extra work they have until the new year. That is, double the amount for every-single-day.

“Fuck! I’m beat,” you slump on the floor in the farm’s office. The sun is almost set, you just finished your day’s work.

“Tell me about it man, good God,” the man stretching his limbs beside you is the other remaining worker, Azel. He’s your senior. A bit of a strict person, but he’s still a cool guy to hang around with.

“So tell me, how is it even possible to finish bachelor’s degree in only two years? Isn’t Economy like, one of the hardest majors? How?” he asks.

You giggle, still lying on the floor. “This again? Seriously? I told you many times that you just have to completely dedicate yourself into studying, everything else will follow.”

“Yeah, well, you always give that same answer as well.”

“Cuz that’s how I did it!” you laugh, he smirks in appreciation.

“Y’see, it’s my little brother actually. He’s graduating high school soon, and he’s been pestering me nonstop with these questions about university and whatnot. I mean, what can I say? I didn’t even finish high school for crying out loud!”

You don’t want to laugh. Might be his way to cope, a self deprecating joke. But then again, when the man himself elbows you in the stomach, what other reaction can you give other than a sincere laugh?

You raise your body to sit straight up. “You didn’t finish high school?”

“Yep. I don’t mind it that much. Family needed something, and I was the only one capable, long story short, here I am, overworking my ass off in this pig farm along with this Bachelor’s degree of Economics of a man! Life is great!”

Okay. You’re not sure if he’s being sarcastic or genuine. Well, either way, as long as he vibes. You laugh it off. 

The faint pulse of your memory with someone who also didn’t finish her high school is successfully buried, again. Or at least that’s what you’d say if he were to ask about it.

You pack your things up after a bit more banter with him. You excuse yourself first, leaving him alone to do a bit more cleaning up in the main office.

The way home after a work day is always surreal. The world slows down, it feels serene. Even through the insane traffic of these Bali roads, you’d still take it without a complaint. Why? It’s the sunset. The warm light bathing your entire being for the whole time you’re on the road. The same golden sky you once enjoyed with her.

Finals were insanely hard right? Much different than the one in SMP(junior high). SMA(senior high) is truly something else!
it is indeed very difficult. But stop it with that, ur exaggerating the hell out of it.

I mean u ranked first for crying out louduhmmm, that may or may not be a lucky shot. A hail mary, if ur familiar with ityeyeye sureanw, ure not so bad urself! U rank third!
u do know i will take that as an insult right?100%

try to take my place princessWKWKWKWKwkwkwwk

well, anyway, holiday is right around the corner! U free this Christmas Eve?hmmm, sure

You’re surprised by how easy it is to ask her out for the date. To be fair, she probably didn’t think much of it–of you. For the entire year the two of you were freshmen, you regularly chatted with her. You’ve also met her several times before, although it was always school related. This was your first time doing an outing with her for no other reason than your invite. Honestly? The butterflies in your stomach were rapidly increasing.

It was 24th December 2021. The weather that day was spectacular, despite it being a rainy season. The sun was glowing warm. The air was breezing cool. The whole earth in itself felt like it was already in an agreement to make your first hang out with Carmen be the best day of your life, hopefully hers too.

Little did you know, that day would also prove to become the last day you spent your time together with her.

“Hey!” she waved at you from across the street. She’s wearing this knee length dress in a light brown color, paired with a flowery patterned white cardigan draping over her shoulder. The dress politely accentuates her figure while the cardigan also adds up to how ‘light’ she looked. Her dark brown-ish hair flowed gently over her shoulder, it looked silky smooth and shiny. She wasn’t wearing her usual big round thick glasses, instead, she wore chic square framed glasses that boosted up her cuteness by several levels. Though, being as near sighted as she was, the lenses in those glasses were still comically thick. 

Her little wave—completely contrary to the fact that her hands are bigger than her head, her slender fingers could literally cover her whole face—was so cute that you had to repeatedly smack yourself within your imagination to avoid losing control of your own reality.

You came up to her to return the greeting. She suddenly gave you a high five.

“Cheer up! For someone asking me to spend my time with you, you seem awfully full of yourself~”

“Ah-” thank God she noticed. Otherwise you would just spend the entire day thinking about scenarios of you together with her. Specifically, in the far future part of your life, and hers. “-Sorry!”

She giggled, covering her tiny mouth with that impossibly large hand. “No, no, don’t be. You look quite cute while overthinking.”

You unknowingly blushed. She giggled even harder.

“Alright, alright. Huft. So, the agenda today is simple. Aquarium this afternoon, then sunset at the beach. How does that sound?”

“Sounds lovely,” she smiled. She no longer covered her mouth with her hands, so you could see how she’s smiling from up close. Perhaps, the sunset in Bali has lost its placeholder as the wonders of the world.

Carmen tailed you for the entire trip in the aquarium. Fish is a big part of your childhood, though you’d still prefer a zoo over it. You were saving the zoo for the next outing, so the fishes would have to suffice for the time being.

You entered the middle part of the aquarium when all of a sudden Carmen grasped your palms from behind. Interlocking her fingers with yours. Weirdly, her palms were cold, and a bit sweaty.

“Are you okay?” you looked back. You tried your best to sound nonchalant throughout.

“Y-yeah! It’s just that, uhm, it’s a bit dark here,” she tried to smile, but her failing to do so only made it infinitely cuter.

You ended up gripping her hands tighter. You gave her a reassuring smile before looking ahead. Jokingly, you said “Relax. The fish won’t jump out of the glass.”

The girl behind you was muffling a laugh, though her hands were still getting colder. “It’s not the fish that I’m afraid of, idiot.”

“Heh, rude!” you took another glance at her. For a very brief moment, there’s an indescribable sadness unveiled behind that awkward smile. Is she hiding something?

The two of you strolled the remaining parts of the aquarium at a pace much quicker than before. It was still a little past 3pm when you got out. She finally exhaled freely once she’s outside the dark place.

“Gosh, what a trip,” she was panting. Her body slumped forward with her hands resting on the knees. Fuck, this was a massive error on your part.

You gulped. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d hate places like this-”

She pointed her right palm at you. “Stop. Don’t be, if anything, it’s my fault for not letting you know prior to this,” she looked up. Were her eyes always this innocently cute-looking? “So, I’m sorry.”

You laughed at it. It’s not that you found her apology funny, it’s just the fact that you also never really like aquariums in the first place. You just randomly decided that she’d love it, without ever consulting her first. What a joy it was to find out that in the end, you both equally disliked it.

She looked at you confused. “Is something funny?” still with her panting breath.

“No! no no no, it’s just, yea, nothing. Let’s just do something else next time, okay?”

She raised her right eyebrows. “Next time?”

You also did the same thing. “Yep, do something else?”

The both of you erupted in laughter.

You moved to the beach soon after. It wasn’t that far, in fact, not far at all. Only 30 or so minutes with the bike you were riding. You joked about everything with Carmen sitting behind you.

“Here we are,” you exclaimed as you parked your bike beneath a tree.

“Yea I can see it, I happen to also have a pair of eyes, see?” she pointed at her own two eyes.

“Well yeah, but, aren’t you like, legally blind in those?”

“That's so rude!” she slapped you on the chest. 

Despite her doing that as a joke, you’d lie to yourself if you say it wasn’t a bit painful. Big hands do make a difference huh? Who would’ve thought. As a man though, you would never admit to that, so you just laughed it off like any other man would.

You grabbed her hand once again. This time though, it wasn’t her initiating it. “Come! I know a place!” you said as you pulled her along. Carmen, without you knowing, was blushing really hard behind.

The place you’re talking about is a random hut placed on top of a hill just on the NorthWest side of the ocean. The way up hasn't really been explored by tourists—which is a rarity in Bali—so it was rather hard to path. Your act of holding her hands earlier was largely due to the rather difficult terrain. Though you wouldn’t pass up on the chance to do it whatsoever.

“Ta-dah!” you gestured a ‘giving a gift’ motion once you arrived at the hut. As expected, it’s empty. There were monkeys around, but that didn’t count.

“I would rather not know how you even stumbled upon this place,” she said as she scrutinized the place. She looked a bit worried.

“My dad showed me! About two, maybe three years ago? I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t changed much.”

“Hm. the place has seen better days, that’s for sure.”

“Alright, alright, enough of that. Come here!” you patted the spot right beside where you were sitting.

“You do know that’s like creepy af, right?”

“I am 100% self conscious.”

“Hah. What a weirdo,” she said while approaching the spot you initially touched. She gave herself about a palm length of distance from your position. Honestly, it wasn’t that much of a space. Her cardigan still grazed your arm every so often.

There was a silence between you and her. The sun was getting lower and lower on the horizon. The wind was getting rougher, and noisier. The birds were chirping, completed with an occasional whoops from the monkeys around. It was honestly quite festive for a place with no humans other than you two, but somehow it was the most peaceful scene you’ve ever experienced in your life.

Feeling brave, you asked her a question. A question you will remember for the rest of your life. "Do you have a dream, Carmen?"

You glanced at the girl to your left. Her body glowed under the overwhelming golden hue from the warming sun. Carmen was smiling, giggling even, but why did it look so sad? Carmen’s eyes were fixated on the golden sky. They were glassy, too. Was she crying?

Your hand moved to grasp her shoulder. You were about to say something, but she opened her mouth first.

“Thank you,” her words tasted bitter somehow. Like she had replayed those same exact words over and over again until it had lost its taste.

Your hand stopped in the air, your fingers retracted itself. You waited for a while to respond. “What?”

She looked at you right then. A singular tear dropped and flowed through her cheek. She was smiling, but her lips were visibly quivering. You could also see the way her shoulders trembled when she tried to open her mouth again.

“I said, thank you!” she bit her bottom lips. Her pupils moved rapidly to avoid a lock into your gaze. She failed, there was a split second of her stare catching yours. Then she mightily turned her head down, hiding her face with her long hair. Droplets of tears were wetting her dress.

You couldn’t react. You didn’t know how to. What were you even supposed to do in this situation? Carmen was crying. After all the things that have happened today. All the smiles, all the jokes, all the stares, everything. Why was she crying? Did you do anything wrong? If so, what did you even do? You couldn’t comprehend it at all.

“You’re welcome?” you gently held her shoulder.

Carmen cried even harder.

The golden sky always reminds you of that scene. The last time you've seen her. The image of Carmen broken down, helplessly crying beside you. And you sitting beside her, unable to do a single thing to calm her down.

Honestly, it’s fucking painful. Probably it is your fault. For not being able to understand her at the time. But then again, you’re not that selfish of a man to prevent her from pursuing a life of her dreams. Who knows how long she’s been wanting to become an idol.

In the end, your only solace is knowing that she might have suffered the same pain as you had, and probably more. That’s all you could ever hang on to, the baseless thinking of you still having this connection with her. It’s evil. You realize that. To wish pain and suffering to someone you love is never a thing a kind person would do.

But you know your limits. You know the way of the world. You know how unfair it may become. You know the sheer absurdity of you still thinking about her. Still thinking that you have a chance with her. Still hurting every single time you hear her voice in their songs. But what can you do?

Good bye, Carmen.

Selamat tinggal, selamanya.