"You LEFT?!" Ningning exclaimed, nearly knocking over her drink on Minjeong's coffee table.
“Careful! I just waxed the glass this morning,” Minjeong scolded her.
"I didn't want to overstay my welcome," Aeri retorted defensively, sinking deeper into Minjeong's plush couch.
"Unnie. My sister in arms." Ningning set her glass down with deliberate precision on a coaster Minjeong had definitely placed there for exactly this reason. "This man rearranged your insides last night and had you for breakfast this morning. AND YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE?!"
Aeri's face flushed crimson, her glance flicking nervously toward Minjeong's apartment door as if expecting the neighbours to hear through the walls. She hissed softly, "Will you keep your voice down? I don’t need the entire complex knowing my business. And it was just sex. He didn't rearrange anything."
"His dick sure did," Karina replied flatly, lounging back against the throw pillows.
"Do not start, unnie", Aeri shot a glare at her.
"Start what? Stating facts?" Ningning pointed an accusing finger. "You literally walked out on the man who went down on you like a starving man. You left the buffet, Aeri. That is a tactical error."
"Oh, my God! It's not that deep," Aeri rolled her eyes.
Ningning sputtered as if Aeri offended her entire bloodline.
“Yes, the fuck it is that deep. Girl, you woke up with his tongue between your legs, and you walked out? That is a romantic tragedy! A medical anomaly! You practically spat in the face of good pussy eating etiquette!"
Karina nodded sagely. "Scientific fact."
"You guys are the worst," Minjeong replied.
"Girl, shut up. You wish Mincheol could go down on you with how dry your sex life is," Ningning retorted.
Minjeong pressed her lips into a thin line. "Uncalled for but okay."
"Focus up, Minjeong-unnie," Ningning pointed a dramatic finger at Aeri, ignoring Minjeong's grumbling. "Our Aeri had her soul snatched through her pussy, and she decided to leave. She walked away from the buffet, and that is a crime against orgasms."
Karina shook her head solemnly. "It's disrespectful to the clit."
"Anarchy on the vaginal canal."
"Wow," Minjeong stared at them in disbelief, glancing around her own living room like she was questioning every life choice that led to this moment. "We're having a summit on vaginal politics. Never thought this would be on the agenda for my Saturday."
"This is important," Ningning insisted, grabbing the napkin to fan herself dramatically. "We're fighting for the rights of clits everywhere to be properly attended to. Aeri, your clit is CRYING right now, abandoned and confused on his couch pillow."
Karina nodded solemnly. "Justice for the clit."
"VIVA LA CLITORIS!" Ningning raised her first.
"FREEDOM FOR THE VAGINAL CANALS!" Karina joined in dramatically, raising her glass mockingly.
Minjeong stared at them like they had lost their minds. "I am surrounded by insane women. In my own apartment."
"CLIT RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS!" Ningning proclaimed loudly.
"ALL CLITS MATTER," Karina added
Aeri groaned, covering her face with both hands. "Can you two stop? Literally everyone can hear you screaming about clits."
"We're not screaming," Ningning protested, raising her voice higher. "We're advocating!"
"Advocating in a studio apartment with thin walls?"
"We are PUBLICIZING THE STRUGGLE!" Ningning slammed her hand down dramatically. "This is a humanitarian CRISIS."
Karina nodded, absolutely serious. "We are fighting for the neglected pussy."
Aeri buried her face in the decorative cushion. "I hate you all. I'm never leaving this couch."
Aeri's phone buzzed against the coffee table.
The three girls went instantly silent, their eyes dropping to the screen with matching expressions of extreme judgment.
MARK
"Absolutely fucking not," Ningning declared immediately. "You literally just walked out on a Michelin-star meal. You are NOT entertaining the fast food."
"I have to answer," Aeri sighed, though she looked pained.
“No, the fuck you don’t! Matter of fact, why haven’t you blocked him? The work party incident was a clear and transparent reason to drop him.”
"It might be important."
"The only thing important about Mark Lee is that he's a cautionary tale I'll be telling my future children about when they ask what a walking red flag looks like," Ningning said, crossing her arms. "You don't trade the five-star tasting menu for a stale gas station hot dog."
"It's just a phone call," Aeri hissed, reaching for the phone.
Ningning rolled her eyes and snatched it first.
"Hey! Give it back!" Aeri lunged for it, nearly toppling off the couch.
Ningning held it just out of reach, swiped to answer, and put it on speaker. Karina and Minjeong leaned in eagerly, Karina nearly knocking over her drink again.
"Aeri Uchinaga's phone. This is her assistant speaking," Ningning chirped sweetly. "She’s busy getting her insides rearranged by a superior man. Maybe try back never."
Karina snorted so hard she choked on her drink, spluttering into her glass.
Minjeong facepalmed so hard it echoed.
Aeri's face was a brilliant shade of scarlet. "Ningning—"
There was a stunned pause on the other end. "Uh... what?"
"My client is currently unavailable to take your call. Please state your business, and I'll pass the message after she's done getting folded by her neighbour."
"I—excuse me?" Mark's voice came through the speaker, sounding completely bewildered. "Who is this? Is this a sick prank, Aeri?"
"This is the Secretary of Vaginal Affairs," Ningning announced loudly, earning a cackle from Karina. "And my client is currently undergoing rigorous maintenance. Leave a message after the moan."
There was another pause, then an exasperated sigh. "Can I just talk to her? It's Mark."
"I know who you are, Mr Lee." Ningning's smile widened, her voice dripping with saccharine sweetness. "And I'm afraid you've lost your privileges to call my client's personal number. Please direct all future inquiries to my office."
"Your... office?"
"Yes, my office. Located directly above the Clit Advocacy Centre," Ningning said proudly. "We handle all matters related to Ms Uchinaga’s sexual well-being. Currently prioritising high-performance oral worship. You, sir, are ranked... zero. Negative zero, actually. And that’s me being generous."
On the other end, Mark sputtered. "Who the fuck is this?"
"I told you. Her assistant. I handle all communication for Ms Uchinaga now. Including unwanted callers, persistent exes, serial situationshipers, dollar store K-drama commitment phobes and emotionally incompetent men who don't know when to stop." She paused for effect. "Actually, that last one is a specialised division. I handle that one personally."
"Just—" Mark's voice came through, clearly annoyed. "Put Aeri on the phone, please? I'll really need to talk to her directly."
Aeri reached for the phone again, but Ningning held it higher, stepping back.
"I see that you're struggling with understanding simple Korean, so I'll translate it to a language you'll understand."
Ningning cleared her throat and launched into rapid-fire, aggressive Mandarin:
"你这个人真是不要脸。你把她当什么？备胎？你每次无聊了就打电话给她，她不是你的人生调味剂。我告诉你，你从今天开始别再找她，否则我亲自去你们公司让你丢脸。听懂了没有？"
Karina was practically wheezing with laughter, tears streaming down her face, clutching the armrest of Minjeong's couch for support. Minjeong had given up on dignity and was laughing into her hands, shoulders shaking. Aeri stared at Ningning with wide, horrified eyes — but even she couldn't stop the twitch at the corner of her mouth.
The line went dead.
Ningning tossed the phone back to Aeri like it was contaminated. "You're welcome."
Aeri caught it fumblingly, staring at her phone, then at Ningning. "What... what the fuck did you just say to him?"
"Oh, nothing you need to worry about," Ningning smiled innocently, taking a sip of her drink. "I just provided a gentle, concise summary of his shortcomings."
"In Mandarin," Karina added, still trying to stifle her giggles.
"He sounded pretty confused at the end," Minjeong observed, wiping tears from her eyes. "Did he understand any of it?"
"Sweetie, by the time I got to the part about his ancestors being disappointed in seven lifetimes, he was already questioning his entire existence." Ningning paused, her smile turning sharp. "That was the Mandarin equivalent of telling someone their mother raises ducks."
Karina lost it completely, burying her face in the throw pillows as her shoulders shook.
Aeri stared at Ningning for a long moment. Then, despite everything — despite the mortification, the chaos, the absolute unhinged energy of the past ten minutes — she burst out laughing.
A real laugh. The kind that came from somewhere deep, like she'd been holding it in for months.
"You're insane," she gasped, clutching the cushion.
"I know." Ningning patted her head. "There's the Aeri I know."
Minjeong shook her head, still laughing. "I can't believe I just witnessed a verbal assassination in Mandarin. In my living room."
"Believe it, unnie," Ningning said smugly. "That man is never calling her again. And if he does, I have a Cantonese version ready."
"There's a Cantonese version?" Karina asked, perking up.
"I have versions in seven languages, unnie. I've been preparing for this moment my entire life." Ningning paused, fanning herself with her hand. "Minjeong, can I get a glass of water? That took a lot out of me."
Minjeong sighed, already pushing herself off the couch. "You're paying for the therapy I'm going to need after this."
"Therapy? Unnie, you just witnessed history. You should be thanking me." Ningning pouted.
"Be glad I didn’t call the psychiatric ward to report you," Minjeong muttered, already halfway to the kitchen. "That's the extent of my gratitude."
Karina finally emerged from the pillows, eyes glazed over with residual laughter and tears still drying on her cheeks. "Ningning, that was the most terrifyingly impressive thing I've ever witnessed. You basically committed war crimes with your mouth."
Ningning cupped her chin, a thoughtful hum escaping her lips. "You know what? Maybe we should vandalise his car. Draw small dicks on his windscreen and windows. Really commit to the bit."
"Please don't," Aeri cackled, wiping her tears. "I think you traumatised him enough.’
"Good." Ningning flipped her hair with theatrical flair. "Consider this an exorcism. We removed the Mark Lee demon from your life. You're welcome."
"I didn't say thank you," Aeri replied flatly.
"You didn't have to." Ningning patted her head. "Your laughter was thanks enough."
Aeri's smile softened despite herself. "You're impossible."
"And yet, you love me."
"Debatable."
"You literally just laughed so hard you cried. I'm your favourite."
"Third favourite," Aeri corrected. "After Karina and Minjeong."
"Woooooooow," Ningning said, placing a hand over her heart. "After all that work, verbally eviscerated your ex-situationship in my native language, and this is the thanks I get. That’s cold."
Minjeong returned with a glass of water, shoving it into Ningning's hands. "Here. Drink. And never speak of this again."
"Hell naw. I'm going to be telling this story at Aeri’s wedding."
Karina perked up. "Are we planning her wedding to Hide?"
"Absolutely not," Aeri cut in, her cheeks flushing again.
"We're absolutely planning it," Ningning countered, taking a long sip of water. "I'm the maid of honour. Karina's the hype woman. Minjeong is the reluctant coordinator who gets dragged into everything."
Minjeong sat back down with a heavy sigh. "I hate how accurate that is."
Aeri grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it to her chest, shaking her head. "I need new friends."
"No, you don't," Karina said warmly. "You need us. Especially now that Mark has been spiritually evicted."
Ningning raised her glass of water. "To the death of the Mark demon?"
"To his ancestors being disappointed," Karina added, raising her drink.
Minjeong sighed, but lifted her mug of tea. "To Aeri, finally moving on for real this time."
Aeri looked at her friends — at Ningning's smug grin, Karina's tear-streaked face, Minjeong's warm smile — and raised her glass of water.
"To you guys," she said softly. "For never giving up on me."
"Oooh! And to your hot neighbour's tongue skills," Ningning added with renewed enthusiasm.
"Aaaaaand you ruined it," Aeri sighed, dropping her head back against the couch.
"I didn't ruin anything. I elevated it. This is a comprehensive toast." Ningning retorted.
"To his tongue," Karina repeated, still giggling. "That's... that's actually a solid addition."
Minjeong pressed her lips together, fighting a smile. "I'm not toasting that."
"Coward," Ningning scoffed.
"Who would even toast to that?" Aeri argued.
"Unnie, you literally came twice on that tongue. Put some respect on your man and his tongue."
Aeri grabbed the throw pillow and shoved it over her face. "I hate it here."