Precipice

It was supposed to be the day everything changed, and while that’s not strictly incorrect, it’s hardly the heart-made-whole fluffy fanfiction that Sullyoon had authored in her mind. Sana was - still is - the girl from the TV. The woman from the posters, the music videos and the viral social media posts.

Your favourite idol’s favourite idol.

What she became for Sullyoon was comfort, laughter and a guiding hand. What she is now is, well, we’ll get to that.

It’s the hope that really did it. From the first day they met, crossing paths outside a practice room, where Sullyoon bent the full ninety to be met by Sana’s little dip of her head, partnered with her bright smile and greeting, that had her heartstrings tangled. They spoke in brief, barely an introduction, but it was enough.

Then they had her sit in, and Sullyoon danced until her feet grew sore, and Sana grinned and gave her a thumbs up, and in those brief moments, Sullyoon could never regret her career choice. When it was over, somewhere between Sana's muted appreciation and Sullyoon's gushing gratitude, Sana made an offer. Practice together, the two of them.

Sullyoon agreed, of course. She agreed to everything.

The warnings, the advice, the rumours. So what if a younger girl liked an older girl? So what if Sana was her senior? Sullyoon was - is - windswept.

So when the idea of coffee before practice came at Sana's suggestion, Sullyoon was up an hour earlier than usual. She had her hair in rollers, and she sat at her vanity. She tapped the brush across her skin and dotted the concealer. She took her time with everything. From curling her eyelashes to applying her lipstick, it was wholly methodical. She wanted to look good, but that was a given. It was more than that; she wanted to look like Sana's type.

She picked a simple outfit, skin-tight jeans, a cropped camisole and a light cardigan. It wasn’t the first choice, nor was it the second. In fact, it was around the fourth swap that Sullyoon looked at herself in the mirror and began to judge the woman staring back. It’s coffee. Just little beans ground down and brewed into a drink to start the day before practice. Practice that would inevitably require a change of clothes anyway, so why did this matter so much? 

Sana - that’s why.

The coffee date (could Sullyoon call it that?) passed by all too quickly, but it opened the metaphorical door. No longer did they only talk about dancing and comebacks and vocal tones and aegyo and… - yeah, you get the picture - but they talked about each other. Favourite snacks, drinks, and places to visit. Sana would appease everything Sullyoon threw out.

That park that Sullyoon loved to visit? They met there the following Monday and walked around for a little while.

The movie that Sullyoon loved? Well, Sana didn’t watch it, but she read the reviews and pretended that she had.

The games that Sullyoon loved to play? Sana bought a Switch. Yep, a Switch, just to play with Sullyoon.

And look, Sana had absolutely no idea what she was doing. She followed Sullyoon around - once she finally understood the controls - and did everything she said she should do. By the end of the first day, Sana had a hole in the ground, and Sullyoon had a house. They didn’t get a lot of time outside of schedules, but they would play when they could. Sana’s hole in the ground got a little bit nicer as Sullyoon decorated it and built around it to keep it safe.

In the lamp-light-clashing-moonlight glow of her room, Sullyoon pondered it all. Sana took her where she wanted to go, bought her the things she wanted to own, read her favourite books and watched her favourite movies. Sana bought a Switch just for her. All these gestures paled in comparison to the little things she noticed.

Like how Sana would accidentally brush her hand and then smile as if nothing happened, how she would make these little jokes that share just a little bit too much detail about her sex life, and how she would constantly invite Sullyoon over to spend the night.

Empty pizza boxes accompanied empty bottles. Flirty jokes accompanied Sullyoon falling head-over-heels. She was falling - faster and harder than anything had ever fallen. Barrelling towards a reality that had begun to form in her head, Sullyoon pictured the future. It would be tough, keeping the secret, but they could do it, Sullyoon was sure. 

Sana had experience; Sullyoon would come to learn. Her relationships with her many friends in the industry, from Momo to Miyeon and everyone in between. Not that Sullyoon was jealous, no, not openly. That only reared its head on those nights alone in her room, pondering possibilities.

Then came the day everything changed. The casual-flirty jokes became not-so-casual-flirty jokes, and all of Sullyoon’s favourite things became tools of the evening. Her favourite snacks, drinks, movies, everything - all at once. The longing looks became long looks. Sana flicked a switch, and Sullyoon crumbled. Putty in her hands.

They slept together that night. Sana had all these things she liked to do, and Sullyoon had a body she wanted to do them all to. The kisses never seemed to end, from chaste to an outright dissolution of decorum. The touches trailed to the ends of Sullyoon’s world - all this caressing and grabbing and tugging and fuck -

Yeah, it was perfect. Sullyoon wept after it all. An emotional cooking pot boiled over in the post-coital serenity - in Sana’s arms. She confessed it all to her in that raw state: how she fell in love with her before she ever even met her. How the feelings only became cemented upon seeing that smile in real life, and how every single domino that fell following that had led her to this precipice.

And on that precipice, she stood. She stood still for a long time. 

Sullyoon would load up her Minecraft world from time to time, build a little more around that hole, waiting for her to come back. She drank more coffee, wandered around the parks, and practised harder than ever before. Sana would show up again and invite her over. Food. Drinks. Great sex. Precipice. Waiting. Hope.

Sana’s phone would flash with Miyeon’s picture, or someone else’s, all the time. Things would go quiet. No dates. No movies. No feelings. Then she would return to do it all over again.

For Sana, it is a loop, and for Sullyoon, it is a spiral. 

When that inevitable text arrives, it is so seemingly harmless - just a half-step away from an invitation to another night together. Another opportunity to touch the clouds, only to plummet back to earth. Falling in love - what a prescient turn of phrase.