My Paradise

You were done with everything. No one cared about you. Parents are dead, your brother left you to have a better life in the US, your friends have all left to enjoy their lives in the city, and your aunt despises you.

Being born in an abusive household was the first indication that you weren’t going to succeed in life. You remember the times when you’d often wake up in the middle of the night to your mother’s cries after your father beat her for the nth time, how your brother shielded you from your father while in his drunk rampage.

After your parents died due to a landslide, your aunt took both of you in her home. You both thought that the torment was over, that your lives would get better after. But it didn’t; she was the female version of your late father. Without your mother taking the brunt of your beating, your brother soon left you with her when he reached eighteen, only leaving you with his old phone that he bought a year ago with the money he earned from his side gigs, and a paper containing a phone number.

After he left, your aunt shifted her rage to you, beating you day and night for a whole week because ‘she lost her favorite punching bag.’ You had managed to make up some excuse to your friends and teachers at school about why your body was covered in bruises and why your brother had suddenly left the town. 

As time went by, you managed to move out once you finished high school, getting a shabby old apartment near the shore. Money was incredibly tight back then, with no stable job. Sometimes, your employer didn’t pay your wages for the day, so you had to skip meals, even eating once a day just to survive.

Your friends left for prestigious colleges in the city, leaving you stranded in that small town with nothing. They got six-figure jobs after graduating, while you were still the same, no signs of improving, and no signs of catching up to them.

They invited you to eat at one of the few good restaurants in your town for a reunion. Pulling up in expensive cars, wearing luxury clothes, and using top-of-the-line tech, while you were just the same you that they left all those years ago. After that night, you decided to reach out to your brother, finally letting go of the thought that you’d be able to pull through by yourself. One missed call. Second. Third. After the fifth, you stop because you knew. You knew that your brother had also abandoned you, like everyone else.

Now you’re here at the top of some random rooftop in the middle of the night, still wearing your tattered jeans and stained shirt. Your eyes were puffy, evidence of crying earlier. The phone lit up, cracks visible on the LED screen. You checked if maybe your brother had messaged you, or maybe your friends had messaged you to ask if you needed help. But it was just a job offer from the app you downloaded last month.

You threw your phone to the ground, destroying the last bit of life it had. The fence surrounding the rooftop was short and easy to climb. Everything hurts: your body, heart, mind, and soul. And tonight was the night you’d let go of this cruel world.

Your body ached throughout the process of climbing the fence.

You looked down the side of the building, the 60-meter fall didn’t process in your mind as you stood by the edge. You planned this for so long, yet you were hesitating. Despite wanting to end it all, there was still a part of you that wanted to live. A part of you that believes that you are better than this.

You heavily considered it, but alas, you were dead set on committing. You’ve already quit your job earlier that day, sold everything you had, and vacated your apartment.

You took a deep breath.

You wanted this.

One step away from your paradise.

And so you did. You let go of the railings and let gravity do its purpose. 

The way down was quieter than you’ve expected.

You closed your eyes. Waiting for your body to make contact with the cold, hard ground.

Crack

You woke up in an unfamiliar bed. The moment you tried to lift your body, you felt your entire body ache. You moaned out in pain and lay back into the surprisingly soft bed. 

Minutes passed by, and you heard the door to the room open. A girl with doll-like features and blonde hair enters your room. The moment her eyes landed on you, she bolted; she let go of the bucket containing water and a cloth onto the floor in her haste. 

She knelt by the bed, muttering something about “Geht es dir gut?” You were no genius, but you understood that to be German just from the tone of her voice and how she dressed. You nod slowly, your body aching still.

The week was quite chill. She’d bring you food three times a day, even spoon-feeding you until you could finally move your body without hurting. Then every two days, she’d clean your body with warm water and a wet cloth. 

You’d eventually learn her name was Elizabeth when she got called by someone while feeding you. She was hesitant to leave you at first, but she left after you took the bowl of porridge and the spoon from her. 

At night, when you were alone, you vividly remember what happened before you woke up. You tried forgetting all about it, wanting a clean start in this unfamiliar land.

Years later, you’ve learned German. Now working as a shepherd on Elizabeth’s father’s sheep farm. They welcomed you like family, like you were actually there from the start. Finally feeling the warmth of being loved by a family.

By the fifth year, you were now married to Elizabeth Helga Müller, taking her last name as you’ve long forgotten the life you once had. You were now the right-hand man of your now father-in-law at the Müller Farm.

Every single morning, you’d wake up to her snuggled up to you. You’d end up thinking, ‘What did you do to deserve her?’ Then the silence would be interrupted by her nephew, shaking you both to play with him in the grasslands, sometimes to accompany him to the town to buy some toys for him. 

And as the days turn into weeks, then into months, you’ve fully accepted the life that you’ve built now with Elizabeth and her family. But as you enjoyed the moments that you had with them, a looming thought crosses into your mind.

That this is the in between. The place where the gods above let you experience while you battle for your life in the real world. And when you‘ve finally accepted your fate, you’d cross over to the land of the dead.

You’ve decided that, if that’s the case, you will enjoy this as much as you can until you are ready.

So you did. You spent five more years in this dreamland, building the life that you wanted to have. You and Elizabeth flourished twins named Liza and Harold. A house was built near the mountains. It wasn’t fancy whatsoever, but it screamed comfort.

The daily routine changed to waking up with your beautiful wife, then making breakfast while Elizabeth took care of cleaning the kids. After having breakfast with your family, you’d stop by into town to buy something by the farm, and by nightfall, you’re back at home with your family.

This night was different from the rest. The kids were already asleep when Elizabeth walked up from behind you on the balcony. 

“You’re ready, aren’t you?” She asked, her face buried in your back/

“I think I am.”

“Do you regret anything?”
“Never… Being here with you and our kids… It was the best thing I could’ve ever had.” She was silent, almost like she wanted you to stay.

“Will I ever see you again?” You asked.

“Maybe… Maybe not? It’s up to the gods up there if they’ll let us be together again.”

“Then that’s enough for me. If there was a chance that I could ever see you again, I’ll take it and never regret it.”

“Go… Our kids and I’ll be waiting.” Her grip around you slowly goes looser as you turn around to face her.

“I love you, my paradise.”

“I love you more, mein Ein und Alles.” You leaned in for one last kiss, savoring the taste of her love one last time as your vision slowly fades.

Your vision opens to the surgery room where the surgeons are trying to save your life. You were outside of your body, technically, your soul is. Doctors had started to inject you with epinephrine, while another started giving you chest compressions. The sound of the machine flat-lining filled the room.
You had two choices: either to let yourself be saved, or… go to the path of no return.

Time was ticking, and every second counts. You recalled the times when you were alone, and no one was there when you needed them. How your brother didn’t answer your calls. The way your aunt beat you for existing. Your friend’s discouraging laugh as you told stories of your mediocre life.

Would anyone even show up if you decided to live?

.

..

…

….

…..

“I’m sorry, I’ll be selfish just this once.” You whispered to yourself as you closed your eyes and let the world fade to black.

You died that night, thinking that you were alone. You let go of the world, thinking no one would look for you. You died because you couldn’t take it anymore. But you were happy knowing someone will be waiting for you in the other side.

“Welcome home, my paradise.”