The bell chimed and Gaeul didn’t bother glancing at the door anymore.
A part of her was already tired of making herself feel like a fool, so she refused to think that today was going to be different.
It took a while for the feeling to settle in.
She hated it.
She hated how she allowed this to happen again. Wonyoung froze, an obvious hurt in her face but Gaeul's gaze didn’t waver.
Fool her once, shame on Wonyoung, but fool her twice? Then shame on her then.
It was as simple as that. Was it even possible to feel left behind by the same person twice?
This wasn’t fair.
Gaeul told herself that no matter what happened, she wasn’t going to let Wonyoung into her life again. Even if she had an excuse, even if she begged, and even if she asked for forgiveness. Gaeul could accept the apology but that was the most she could do.
This entire thing had drained her without her realizing it, and that was the scariest part about it. Because she wasn’t able to tell. She felt the threat, but she was also swayed by how Wonyoung showed her interest, how she made Gaeul believe that she remembered their past, that they could start again.
Gaeul was smarter than this. How could it happen again?
So this time, no matter what—as she was telling herself a hundred times—she wasn’t going to let Wonyoung in.
It just wasn’t fair.
Why was Gaeul the only one suffering?
Why couldn’t Wonyoung feel the same thing? Why couldn’t she be in pain as well? Why couldn’t she be suffering in the same way Gaeul was?
It wasn’t fair.
“What’s with the sudden coffee purge?” her sister asked over the phone, it was supposed to sound sympathetic but they both know Jinyoung wasn’t capable of the sort. “I thought you started loving coffee?”
Wonyoung sighed. “It’s been giving me headaches lately, so I decided to lay off for the meantime,” she lied, hoping that answer was enough.
Her sister scoffed. “You’re a horrible liar, you know that?”
That made Wonyoung’s hands still, the pen stopped mid-stroke. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a breath. She didn’t want to tell her the truth.
It wasn’t like she could tell her sister that the only coffee she wanted was created carefully by the person that was making her chest hurt and her heart to throb painfully. Jinyoung remembered Gaeul, so mentioning her would be a bad idea.
“I’m not lying, you keep thinking I’m lying when I’m not,” Wonyoung argued back. It sounded like their usual arguments when they were still kids. Wonyoung could easily give a reason, but she decided to be a child again.
Jinyoung started laughing at her. “I’m just pulling your leg. But good to know I can still make you this pissed off by something so mundane.”
Wonyoung sighed deeper, a smile inevitably forming in her face. “Good to know you’re still a big gaping butthole.”
“Hey—“ Jinyoung’s voice came through quickly and sharply. “How dare you talk to me like that. I am your big sister, you have to respect me—“ Jinyoung snorted and then started laughing. “Okay, I can’t finish that.”
For the first time that week, Wonyoung broke out into a genuine smile, shoulders shaking as she was trying to hold on her laughter. She shook her head fondly, knowing that Jinyoung was making an impersonation of their older cousin.
She sighed. “You’re weird.”
“You’re weird,” Jinyoung answered back. “You gotta give yourself a break. You’re too young to be so stressed out like this.”
Wonyoung fiddled with the pen in her hand. “Well, if only there were less expectations and less work to do, then yeah, I could easily take your advice.”
Her sister hummed in contemplation. “You can start small,” she said.
That made Wonyoung raise her brow. “Like what?”
“Cook something.”
The pen between her fingers stopped spinning around, her shoulders also dropping. “That’s your solution?”
“Yeah.”
One word answer. Like that was going to explain everything.
Wonyoung rolled her eyes and let out a sigh, trying not to sound annoyed. “Why?”
“Because you’ll be able to use that beautiful brain of yours to think about a recipe, try to make it on your own, and be with your thoughts where no one else is expecting you to do something,” her sister then explained, sounding equally annoyed. But then she tried to sound convincing. “You’re just cooking for yourself.”
There was silence from Wonyoung’s side this time. Because she could clearly remember what was inside her refrigerator and the answer was going to absolutely make her sister angry. “My fridge is empty.”
“Why?” The question came quickly. As expected, Jinyoung was using her authoritative voice to demand an answer.
Wonyoung shrugged like it was nothing. “I usually order take out.”
“Then go to the grocery store and stock up,” her sister quickly replied, deadpan.
She sighed. “But—“
“Oh my god, you are such a child. Do you want me to ask Jiwon to force you to go?”
That effectively shut her up. She knew how annoying this situation could be if Jiwon got involved. She started to trace small circles at the corner of the paper. “No….”
“Then go out later,” Jinyoung said again. But when Wonyoung didn’t want to answer her, she sighed, clearly annoyed. “I’m calling Jiwon.”
“No, unnie—” Wonyoung quickly replied, then she felt her entire body seize at the surrender and sighed once more. She shook her head. "It’s fine. I’ll go.”
“You better. I will find out. You know that I will.”
She scoffed, a smile breaking out again. “Okay, okay. Jeez.”
“Good,” Jinyoung said, the playfulness in her voice was slowly returning. “I expect you to send me a photo of what you make. You hear me?”
“Yes, unnie.” Wonyoung nodded, a sudden wave of emotions washed over her, realizing how much she missed being with her sister.
Perhaps going out might be a good idea. There were too many things inside her mind that she felt like she was suffocating because of it. The last thing she wanted to do was be consumed by the very thought of Gaeul that it would transform into something resentful.
But then again, she knew it wasn’t going to happen.
Gaeul… She was something to Wonyoung. She always had been. It felt like nothing really changed, and maybe that was why Wonyoung couldn’t find it in her to have any form of hate towards her childhood friend.
There were no excuses for Gaeul’s behavior towards her, but at the same time, Wonyoung knew not to push it. If she did anything more, then whatever was left in the ruins of their friendship were going to disappear forever.
She didn’t want that to happen. But it also hurt that staying away was her solution to all of this. That part—she had no idea what the real excuse was. Was it for Gaeul’s sake? Was it for her sake? Or was it because Yujin being there created something ugly inside of her?
Wonyoung let out a sigh.
But before her mind could drift off again, her phone buzzed, and when she checked, it was her sister—and she sent a list of ingredients to a recipe.
Of course.
Guess it was about time she actually went out and felt like a human being again.
The sky was filled with clouds. The weather forecast said it was going to rain in the next few days. Which was why today was the best day to go out to the grocery store.
But it was the kind of weather Gaeul secretly enjoyed. It wasn’t too hot, nor too cold. It was quiet, the kind where the grey settled over everything and made the world feel like it was moving in slow motion. She honestly liked that. Slow paced, peaceful, and gloomy.
Perhaps that was what made her an odd person. But it wasn’t like she cared.
Gaeul held the paper bags close to her chest, balancing them in one arm as she fished out the keys to her brother’s car. She sighed, hating how she wasn’t used to this at all. But because she needed the car to help her with the groceries, she had no choice. If only Hoseok was here, then he could drive the cheap piece of metal for her.
When she finally placed everything inside, she closed the trunk of the car and turned.
But then she stopped.
Gaeul blinked a few times, wondering if her eyes were deceiving her or if she was imagining things.
Wonyoung was standing across the parking lot, trunk also open and placing bags inside.
She should move. Rush into the car and clumsily drive away. She should.
She should move.
Why wasn’t she moving?
Wonyoung closed the trunk and turned her head. Their eyes met, and Wonyoung stopped moving.
This didn’t make sense. But at the same time, it also did. Because they were at the grocery store in a town where everyone was bound to bump into someone. It wasn’t like she wasn’t going to see Wonyoung at all, and on a Friday evening as well, where they were done with work.
But then if Wonyoung was there, then…
Why?
Why did she have time for this and not go to the bookshop?
No—Gaeul. Don’t think that way—
But it pulled her back in.
Gaeul’s eyes glanced over to the closed car door, thinking she could see what was inside her grocery bag and check if Wonyoung bought coffee.
Why?
Her hands clenched her car keys, staring at Wonyoung.
Wonyoung straightened slightly. “Hi,” she greeted her, soft but loud enough for her to hear across the parking lot. She said it like everything between them was normal, like how she usually greeted her when she entered the shop, as if she didn’t awaken an ugly fear inside of Gaeul’s heart.
Gaeul didn’t respond right away. She wasn’t even sure if she should. Because it didn’t make sense to her, how Wonyoung could just greet her so casually, for her to just disappear, reappear after how many years of being apart, then disappear without saying anything, and reappear once again. Gaeul wasn’t even able to brace herself for this. She didn’t give herself time to get over it. She still had something inside her chest that threatened to come out.
It somehow clicked.
Without thinking, her legs started moving. She didn’t rush over, she didn’t hesitate. Gaeul walked towards Wonyoung with thoughts in her head, with questions she wanted answered.
Wonyoung looked at her carefully, until the taller woman tilted her head downwards. Gaeul then stopped, just a few feet away. It was close enough, but not enough to make Wonyoung believe that things have changed.
“You stopped coming,” she said flatly, and didn't bother to greet or anything. It was just… that.
It was obvious that Wonyoung was taken aback by what she said, seeing how the younger woman stared at her for a moment, tried to open her mouth, and did not say anything.
But she let out a quiet exhale, eyes still stuck on hers. “I’ve been busy.” The response came out too quick, like she rehearsed it, practiced it in her head.
Liar.
Gaeul didn’t respond, worried that something might come out of her mouth if she allowed it to fester and grow.
“A lot has been going on. Work—“
“Don’t.” Gaeul raised a hand out to Wonyoung to stop her. She didn’t shout it, didn’t say it too sharp. It was quiet, the kind that cut through the air.
Wonyoung stopped, blinking at her. Gaeul kept her gaze, as if she could find the explanation by searching Wonyoung’s eyes.
Nothing.
But something inside her snapped.
“You don’t have to explain,” she finally voiced out. “If you didn’t want to come back, then you can tell me.”
Wonyoung’s brows furrowed, she started stammering again. “W-What? No—that’s not—that’s not what I said.”
Gaeul stood her ground. “No, but I know that’s what you meant.” Her voice remained calm, despite the storm that was slowly brewing inside of her. A part of her wanted to take her words back, to stop it before she gave more reasons for them to keep talking.
But she couldn’t. She didn’t want to when what she was saying were facts.
Wonyoung let out a breath, jaw visibly clenching. “That’s not it. Don’t assume that, Gaeul,” she replied, quiet and restrained.
A scoff escaped Gaeul’s lips, even before she could stop it. “I think I can, Wonyoung. Because you did the same thing to me before.”
And just like that, Gaeul lost every form of restraint she trained herself to have after so long.
The only time that Gaeul had talked about her past with Wonyoung was when she told Yujin and Rei for the first time. She never brought it up anymore. Even when Rei had questions, even if Yujin wanted to help her deal with it. She refused to talk about it again.
Seeing Wonyoung again, her constant visits, her questions, her words, her presence alone. The absence that felt all too familiar. They were already enough to push Gaeul to the edge.
“You left me,” Gaeul whispered, but she said it with certainty. “And you did it again.”
Wonyoung opened her mouth, then she closed it, brows furrowing deep. But she shook her head. “That’s—” she took a breath, as if trying to calm down. “That’s not the same.”
“It felt the same.”
The words were enough to make her feel it as well.
Because it did feel the same.
Gaeul knew that Wonyoung had a reason to leave back then. She had a reason for trying again during graduation. Or for not keeping in touch since then. For coming back. For those questions. For trying.
For leaving again.
But it didn’t erase the fact that Wonyoung left her again.
Silence stretched on between them. The sky was still gray, the wind picked up, cars passed by them, parked next to Wonyoung’s car, people passing by and talking as if it was nothing. Because life continued despite their situation. That was one thing Gaeul realized in this exact moment.
She needed to move on.
“I don’t understand you,” Gaeul said, looking away first, taking a moment to find the right words to say. “I really thought you were my friend, but then you left me behind.” A part of her wondered if she should keep talking, but at the same time it felt like it was too late. “You gave me no explanations either. You left me, you came back, you left again, and then you come back again—”
Wonyoung took a step forward. “Gaeul, it’s different.”
Gaeul snapped her head to look at Wonyoung, brows furrowing, fighting tears that wanted to escape. “Then why, Wonyoung?” she answered back, making Wonyoung stagger slightly. “Why did you leave me?”
“Because—” Wonyoung started stammering again, hands raising, fist gripping her car keys. “B-Because—” She stopped herself, a hand wiping over her face. She let out a sigh and lowered her voice. “I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“You didn’t know what you were doing?” Gaeul mimicked, raising a brow. “What do you mean by that?”
Wonyoung took a deeper breath this time. “I mean—” she exhaled sharply. “I was a kid. I didn’t know what I was doing.”
Gaeul scoffed again, shaking her head. “That’s bullshit.”
A step forward. “You don’t know what I went through, Gaeul—”
“And what about me?” Gaeul shot back, her voice cracked a bit, not realizing that she had never raised it like this in… forever. She felt her chest heaving, she took a step back, eyes still glaring at Wonyoung. “Give me a reason then, Jang Wonyoung. If you left me before, then why do you keep coming back?”
Wonyoung’s shoulders fell, looking away, taking more deep breaths. Her hands clenched again. “Because…” her voice was cracking as well. “Because I’ve never stopped looking for you.”
The familiar pain in her chest returned, and that made her take another step back.
She needed to leave.
“I kept coming back to the bookshop because of you,” Wonyoung spoke again, her voice was gentler, but it also sounded afraid. “But I still did. I wanted to see you.”
The pain kept coming back, making Gaeul feel weaker. Because something was shifting, dangerously, and quickly. She shook her head. “You shouldn’t have,” she whispered.
Wonyoung’s brows knit together the moment she said it. “Why?”
Because I didn’t want you messing with my feelings again.
Because I wanted to get over you.
Because I wish I can finally have a reason to hate you.
Because I missed you terribly.
Because I know deep down, I still am very much in love with you, and you will never feel the same.
Gaeul let out a shaky exhale, but she managed to compose herself. She shook her head again, as if this entire thing could quickly disappear. “Don’t do this to me,” she said, struggling to fight the tears. “You don’t get to come back into my life and pretend like nothing happened between us. Like we were old friends from before.”
“I’m not pretending,” Wonyoung quickly shot back, her frustrations seeping through. “I was never pretending. I’m just—I’m just trying to figure out how to make things right.”
“At my expense?” Gaeul answered back again, tone sharp, her own frustrations embedded in each word.
That silenced Wonyoung, visibly unsure how to answer back.
Gaeul hastily wiped the tears from her eyes. She hated crying in front of anyone, and she hated that Wonyoung was always the reason why she was crying. She scoffed, wiping them away with the back of her hands.
When she composed herself, she took a deep breath and straightened herself.
She was done.
“I’ve spent all these years learning how to forget you,” she said, her voice steadier than earlier. There was no warmth, no signs of redemption. She was done. “I don’t want to go through this turmoil again.”
Wonyoung clicked her teeth. “I also suffered, Gaeul. It wasn’t easy for me either. It ate at me,” she explained.
But for some reason, Gaeul had settled into not wanting to know the reason anymore. It didn’t matter to her. Because Wonyoung proved to her that she was capable of making the same mistake twice.
“I stayed away from the bookshop because I cared about how you felt. I know me showing up out of nowhere was too much,” Wonyoung explained again. “I just didn’t want to—”
“Then you should’ve stayed away,” Gaeul cut her off.
Wonyoung froze, an obvious hurt in her face but Gaeul's gaze didn’t waver.
The words weren’t meant to cut that deep, but there was no reason for her to keep them from the truth. Wonyoung shouldn’t have come back. She should have stayed away. She should have stayed in Seoul. She shouldn’t have tried.
Gaeul wished she could easily delete her memories, the feelings, the words. She wanted them to be gone.
“You don’t get to leave me and think that constantly coming back was going to solve anything,” Gaeul added, her voice softer now, relieved that her tears were at bay. But her heart felt a numbing pain. “I don’t know why you left, and I don’t want to know anymore. And if you think you can just leave me again because it’s not easy for you anymore, then you are absolutely heartless.”
The silence between them got heavier. It felt unforgiving, the kind that made her realize that she should have done this on their graduation day, made it clear as day that there was no chance for them to be friends again.
Gaeul wasn’t a saint, nor was she a martyr. She loved Wonyoung in the most delicate way possible, but it shouldn’t make her suffer like this.
It was about time that she chose herself.
She was going to finish this once and for all.
“Don’t come back to the bookshop,” she said, looking straight at Wonyoung. She could see the hurt in Wonyoung’s eyes, but she made her decision. “If you have no good reason to come back, then don’t.”
She didn’t want to wait for a reply. She turned around, walked back to her car quickly, getting inside, slamming the door, turning the ignition on, backing out of the space, and forcing herself not to look at the rearview mirror.
The tears made it difficult for her to drive, but she kept going, driving slowly as she exited the parking lot. She knew she left Wonyoung there, still standing there. But if she even glanced for a split second, she might actually change her mind.
So she didn’t.
It was too late.
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