Everything was different.
Minjeong didn’t know having a crush would be so all-consuming. Every day, Minjeong wanted to talk to Jimin, to hear her voice, to see her face, to ask her again to help with Calc homework, to invite her to the bakery that started selling churros recently that were absolutely divine, to complain about the workload from all her courses to, to bask in the beautiful autumn foliage with—Minjeong wanted to do everything with Jimin, and the only thing stopping her was her conscience.
At first, it wasn’t like this: at first, Minjeong didn’t have any trouble texting Jimin about how she felt stuck on her math homework, and then take Jimin’s offer to help shortly after; after acapella practice, Minjeong didn’t have any qualms about whining to Jimin about how she has an exam in a few hours and how it’s so unfair that her classes seem to align their exams such that they all happen in the same two-week span; during a chance meeting with Jimin at the fountain near the campus lawn, Minjeong didn’t think twice about going off on a tangent about her professors and how they’re so particular about how homework needs to be formatted exactly in the designated manner or else it’s a zero. The more time passed, the more these random, extraneous thoughts started to come attached with their interactions: seeing Jimin happily chatting up another member of the acapella after practice finished, Minjeong hesitated to inject herself in the conversation, and when she got stuck on her Thermo homework for the nth time, Minjeong spent some time staring at Jimin’s number on her phone, thinking about how she might be bothering her if she called, and then thinking about why she would expect a Broadcasting major to be able to help with engineering homework, ultimately locking her phone and setting it to the side to put her nose back to the grindstone.
I can’t go outside wearing this. What if I accidentally run into Jimin again, wearing this mess of an outfit that’s no more than mismatching pajamas?
So, Minjeong would spend ten, twenty minutes in her closet at the start of every day, putting together an outfit that doesn’t look like a complete trainwreck on the off-chance that she runs into Jimin.
What should I eat for lunch today? Oh, didn’t Jimin mention this Mexican place near the Science building that one time? Maybe I should go there.
So, Minjeong walked across the entire campus to eat there, solely off the influence of a passing comment from Jimin. To be fair, though, the food was quite delicious.
Wow, the weather is pretty nice today. Maybe I should sit on one of the benches near the fountain, maybe I’ll run into Jimin again.
So, Minjeong would spend some time, enjoying the warm autumn breeze and the mist from the fountain for a few minutes, trying to look around for Jimin without being too obvious.
What would Jimin think of this food? Oh, wouldn’t Jimin like these cute little Disney-themed cups? Jimin would probably look good with this outfit. How much more fun would this movie be if Jimin was with there with Minjeong, or how more enjoyable this music would be if Jimin was listening with her, or Jimin, Jimin, Jimin, everything always led back to her.
“Aww, little Minjeong is in looove?”
“Can you not?”
“Look at your little face! It’s so red!”
“Stooop! I knew telling you was a bad idea!”
“Noo, waait!” Jenny reached for Minjeong’s arm as she got up from their dining table. “I’m sorry! I’m just excited about finally being able to talk to you about this kind of stuff!”
Minjeong glared at her roommate for a few more seconds before acquiescing and sitting back down with a pout. “Fine.”
“To answer your question, yes, this is how having a crush is like. You can’t ever stop thinking about them, and even mundane, everyday things make you start thinking about them: would they like this? What would it be like to do this with them? Those kinda thoughts.”
“I see…”
Of all the looks of shock Jenny has directed at Minjeong over their year of being roommates, the one she had at that moment had to be among the most shocked expressions. “Have you never had a crush on anyone?”
Minjeong shook her head. “I only realized I was a lesbian, what? Like, four years ago?”
“Oh, really? So, you just … never … liked anyone before?”
“Well … I had celebrity crushes, but they were all female, and my friends in middle and high school all said they did too, so I figured it was just normal and didn’t think too much of it.”
“Oh. Must be nice. No boy troubles for all of middle school and high school.”
Minjeong laughed. “Yeah. My friends would talk to me all the time about that, but I wouldn’t ever really understand and felt bad that I couldn’t ever really help. But I guess now I know.”
There was something about the way Minjeong’s smile flickered that wiped the smile off Jenny’s face. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Well…” Realizing what she wanted to say, Minjeong couldn’t help but laugh at herself a little. In the past, she used to tease her friends for going on tirades about how the boy she’s crushing on smiled at her, or how she had a candid conversation about a TV show they both watched, or how she discovered a new band because she heard their crush mention it in passing, but now, the shoe was on the other foot. Minjeong only met Jenny in college, but it felt like she was ready to channel all the counter-teasing from Minjeong’s middle and high school friends. “… I … am not too confident that things will work out for me.”
Jenny’s lips curled into a pronounced frown. “Aw, don’t say that. You’re so adorable, who wouldn’t want to date you?”
“Well, for example, you.”
“But you said that you weren’t sure of Jimin’s sexuality, right?”
“I think…?”
“So, there’s a chance!”
Minjeong also never knew that having a crush could hurt this much. Looking back, she could empathize with her friends who would fall into a depressive state after being dumped or otherwise, indirectly, rejected. All thoughts seemed to inevitably lead to Jimin, and all thoughts of Jimin led to that one moment where Minjeong realized she didn’t have a chance with her.
“…well, but, it’s not that, that I’m worried about.”
“Oh…” Minjeong could tell that Jenny’s mood was being affected by her gloomy disposition, and while she did feel sorry about that, Minjeong also couldn’t help the hopelessness that was swallowing her up, looming over her feelings of love like a dark cloud.
I’ll just stay friends with Jimin. That’s ok, right? If Jimin never finds out, then nothing ever needs to change. Maybe these feelings will fade away after enough time. Even if Jimin doesn’t become my girlfriend, I’d enjoy her company all the same.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be like this.”
“No! It’s ok, don’t be sorry.”
Minjeong could try to mind-control herself all she wanted, but she could never escape the fantasies that kept her up at night: affectionately calling each other’s names, chilling on the weekends to watch some movies while cuddling, eating meals together and trying to steal food off each other’s plate, helping each other with coursework and getting distracted talking about music they listen to or shows they’ve watched or any and every topic their minds would wander off to.
“If you don’t my asking, what is it that you’re worried about, if not Jimin’s sexuality?”
“Well…”
~~
That day, it was Minjeong’s turn to treat Jimin, and in her eagerness to try this bakery’s scones they were now selling, Minjeong took her there after acapella practice. She thought about inviting some of the other members she had befriended, but ultimately decided against it. Of course, part of it was a desire to have one-on-one time with her crush, but this time, it was more so because she wanted to repay Jimin for being so welcoming on her first day. What she didn’t anticipate was the encounter that arose from Jimin making a little noise of acknowledgment while waiting in line, seemingly towards the guy in front of them, before quickly silencing herself.
Before Minjeong could question what happened or what that noise was about, the guy turned around, doing a double-take when he saw Jimin’s face.
“Oh, hey Jimin!”
“Hi! So, it was you, Ed!” Whatever awkwardness Jimin felt about first noticing Ed had instantaneously vanished the second Ed turned around.
This wasn’t the first time Jimin had been greeted by someone while walking about on campus with Minjeong. It seemed like she was quite the popular figure on campus, and Minjeong could definitely tell why. It wasn’t only because of her eye-catching beauty or her amazing figure; her exuberant friendliness made her shine like the full moon against the pitch-black backdrop of a cloudless night sky.
“Long time no see!”
“Yeah! Wow, what has it been, two years?”
They had only exchanged a few words, but Minjeong could in fact detect some lingering awkwardness creeping in. Were they exes? Did this mean Jimin was straight, after all?
“Yeah, I think so.”
Actually, that wasn’t quite what it seemed like. If anything, Jimin seemed … a bit regretful? Pained? What was it? Ed, on the other hand, looked ashamed of himself. Maybe all of it could be explained by a bad breakup, but then, why would Ed have greeted Jimin like that, and why would Jimin have returned the greeting so positively? Was Jimin that good of a soul?
“Still doing debate club?”
Ed nodded. “Made it to state, but got crushed by Standford.”
“Ooh, I see. That’s not so bad a result though, right?”
“Nope, not at all.”
The entire time, Minjeong stayed silent, slowly but surely building a theory of the situation in her head. Minjeong liked to believe that she was pretty good at reading people, and the theory that was building in her mind was being reinforced with every word.
“Minjeong, this is Ed; I took a speech class two years ago with him.”
“Oh, cool! Hi Ed, nice to meet you; I’m Minjeong, I’m in Jimin’s acapella group.”
Ed offered Minjeong a cordial smile. “Hi, nice to meet you.” The silence that lingered weighed on the three parties of the conversation, a storm cloud waiting to break. “Um—” Ed looked at Jimin, stopping shortly upon meeting her gaze, but powering through whatever hesitation that had welled up inside him. “Sorry. For, you know, that. I made everything awkward by, er, saying that.” Internally, Minjeong nodded; this was perfectly aligning with what she had figured happened. “I was just really dumb back then—well, I guess it was just two years ago, but, er, yeah. Sorry.”
“Oh, no! You don’t need to apologize!” What Minjeong didn’t anticipate was the panic in Jimin’s face as she said those words. “No no no, I’m…” If Minjeong was understanding correctly, it was Ed who confessed to Jimin who ended up turning him down. So then, why did Jimin look so pained? “…I’m sorry. I … I really do feel bad. I know that’s not helpful or anything, but romance, love, isn’t really … aren’t really for me. Even now.”
If Minjeong didn’t know any better, it might’ve been Jimin who was turned down. She didn’t just look like she felt bad, she looked devastated.
“No, I understand. I just, it’s been something that’s been bugging me these last few years after realizing how awkward I made things. But, if it makes you feel any better, there’s this other girl I’ve been seeing recently.”
Jimin’s mood did a complete one-eighty, instantly perking up at those words. “Oh! Really? Who!?”
Just when Minjeong felt like she was starting to get a grasp as to Jimin’s character, her reaction to the news turned Minjeong’s perception of the older girl completely on its head.
“Um, someone I met at the debate competition last year. She’s from a different school.”
“Ooh, wow! Which one? Is it close by?”
So, Jimin was someone who naturally drew many suitors but seemed to not be ready for a relationship; however, while she stated that ‘romance wasn’t for her’, she simultaneously loved to talk about the topic when it involved others? Maybe it was a traumatic previous experience with a toxic boyfriend? Or girlfriend?
“Uh, it’s about a two-hour drive.”
“Oh! Not bad! Do you visit her often?”
Ed smiled, rubbing his neck. “Yeah, we sorta alternate every weekend between me driving up to see her and her driving down to see me.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet! How long have you been a couple?”
“A little other three—”
“Next in line.”
Hearing that, Ed turned around, seeing that it was him who was being beckoned. “—three months. Gotta go, but it was nice catching up with you!”
“Yeah! See you around!” Shortly after, Jimin turned to Minjeong. “Sorry about that.”
“Hm? For what?”
“For ignoring you while talking with Ed.”
“Oh, no, it’s fine.” For a brief moment, Minjeong wondered how good her poker face was. Did Jimin see any hint of jealousy on her face? “I get it, it’s hard to be so popular.”
Jimin laughed. “What? What do you mean?”
“You can’t stand there and tell me you can’t tell how popular you are.”
“What? I’m not popular!”
Before Minjeong had the chance to call Jimin out on such a ridiculous claim, they were called up to order. When they sat back down with their pastries, Jimin looped back around to that point in their conversation. “Well, you’re so pretty too, are you seriously telling me that you don’t also get confessed to all the time?”
Minjeong pursed her lips. “I mean, not really…”
“Are you seeing anyone right now, then?”
Meeting Jimin’s eyes, Minjeong could see that excited twinkle reappearing in them. At that, Minjeong couldn’t help but smile. “No, not really.”
“Hm? ‘Not really’? So, you have a crush on someone?”
Minjeong laughed. “Why do you look so excited to talk about this?”
“Well, why do you look so embarrassed when I asked that question?”
Minjeong could feel the tips of her ears burning a little warmer than usual, but was hoping Jimin didn’t notice it. “I guess you could say I do.”
Jimin squealed at Minjeong’s revelation, scooting closer to her. “Who is it? A classmate? A high school sweetheart?” Minjeong shook her head. “What do you like about them?”
“Why are you so invested in this?”
“Why are you avoiding the question?” Seeing Minjeong’s flustered expression pushed Jimin to continue teasing the younger woman. “What do you like about your crush?”
“What I like about her is that she isn’t the type of person who would pressure me into talking about my crush.”
Jimin pouted, taking a contemplative bite out of the scone she bought. “You’re no fun.” Ordinarily, Minjeong would’ve reciprocated in Jimin’s energy, but the fact that it was Jimin who was her crush, and the fact that it didn’t seem very prescient to ask Jimin about her crush, kept her silent. “For pretty people like you, though, crushes work out pretty well, right?”
If only that statement did indeed apply to her, and if only it were true … but what if her crush was someone who seemed to have denounced love? “Um…”
“Oh, actually, I just remembered…” Jimin pulled out her phone, and after a few swipes, showed it to Minjeong, “…this is my mom. Doesn’t she look so much like you?!”
Looking at Jimin’s phone, Minjeong got serious whiplash. It felt surreal, like, almost as if she was having an out-of-body experience, looking at the photo containing someone who wasn’t her. It wasn’t her. It couldn’t be her. But…? “Wait…” Minjeong had to blink a few times. The photo was of what looked like Jimin at her high school graduation, holding a bouquet of flowers, smiling next to a woman who did, indeed, look like a slightly older version of Minjeong herself. “…really? That’s your mom?”
“Yeah.”
This came completely out of left field, but Minjeong was happy to diverge from the topic of her crush. “Wow, she really does look like me … your mom looks so young, and so pretty, too.”
Jimin giggled, Minjeong turning a curious raised eyebrow at her. “Are you calling yourself pretty?”
“What?” Realizing what Jimin was getting at, Minjeong turned pink. “No! I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant—”
“Wow, such confidence, impressive.”
“—no! I was just saying, your mom is—” seeing the teasing smile lingering in Jimin’s eyes, Minjeong sighed and crossed her arms. “Whatever.”
“Well, my mom is pretty, and so are you! There’s nothing to be ashamed of in admitting you look like her, and that you’re both pretty.” She doesn’t mean anything by it. She’s just being friendly. No need to get flustered by the compliment. “Oh, also, my mom’s also really good at singing, too. Actually, I feel like you two have a lot in common. Do you wanna come over and meet her?”
Minjeong wasn’t sure she could follow Jimin’s logic, but if this was how she acted around everyone, Minjeong could see why Jimin got confessed to so often. Her natural friendliness, treating her like a childhood friend, the natural way she brought up the prospect of not only inviting Minjeong to her house but also meeting her parents like it was nothing … no, it was nothing. Minjeong had to remind herself that Jimin was just saying this as just friends. There was no deeper meaning to it.
Minjeong then wondered if Jimin treated all the boys who fell for her, like Ed from two years ago, as just friends.
“Um, yeah, I’d love to!”
“Ooh, I’m so excited! Can you come today?”
“Huh?” Hearing the question flustered Minjeong like she had never been flustered before. Did she look ok? Minjeong really hoped she wasn’t blushing. Or, she wasn’t blushing that much. Did she wash her hair today? Right, she did, in the morning. Did her makeup look fine? Did she look presentable? Maybe she should’ve worn that hairpin after all, it would’ve completed the outfit. Why didn’t she spend more time looking for it? What if Jimin’s moms didn’t like her? What if the mom Jimin showed her felt strange about meeting someone who looked like her, or what if she was weirded out by her daughter and her friend thinking they looked alike when she didn’t think so? “Um, today?”
“Yeah! Unless, are you busy?”
Jimin was positively glowing with jubilation. “Um, maybe not today. I have a lot of homework.” While it wasn’t a complete lie, Minjeong still felt bad for giving the excuse, especially seeing how the excitement in Jimin’s eyes petered out. “Sorry! Maybe, um, next week?”
Wait. What did she just say?!
“Oh!” No. No, no no no. Why did those words come out of Minjeong’s mouth? She wasn’t nearly ready enough to meet Jimin’s parents. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal for Jimin, but for Minjeong … well, it was the parents of her crush. Of course she’d want to prepare appropriately. “Really?”
Well, there was no going back now. “Yeah. I’d love to meet her.” The question as to why Minjeong replied the way she did was actually extremely simple: Jimin looked so excited to invite Minjeong over to meet her doppelganger, and then so devastated when Minjeong rejected the offer, that she felt like she needed to rectify the situation immediately, by any means necessary.
“Oh, great!” And then, seeing the excitement return to Jimin’s eyes eliminated any regret Minjeong might’ve felt from setting the date to meeting Jimin’s parents so soon. Now, she had an entire week to freak out about it. In hindsight, maybe she should’ve just gone with Jimin that day. “I’ll let mom know then.”
“Does she…” Jimin looked up from her phone. “…know about me?”
Hearing that, Jimin shot Minjeong a bewildered sort of smile. “Yeah, duh.” This isn’t something to be flustered by. She probably— “I talk to my moms about almost everything.” Yeah. See? Jimin talks to her parents about everything, so obviously, she’d talk to them about you, the newest member of her acapella group. “I don’t think I showed them a picture of you, though, so they might be really surprised when they see how much you look like my mom.”
“It might be weird for me too, even though I’ve already seen her picture.”
~~
“So … it’s this weekend that you’re meeting Jimin’s mom?”
“Yeah…”
“It’s ok! It’s going to be great! I’m sure they’ll love you. Can I help picking out your outfit?”
“Oh, really? I’d really appreciate that.”
“But … I think I see what you meant now.”
Minjeong sighed. “Yeah…”
A brief silence befell the two roommates, a contemplative silence that left the only noise being the faint humming of the apartment’s AC unit. “Well, all you have to do is to show that you’re worth it, right?” Minjeong really did appreciate Jenny’s effort to cheer her up, but Jenny didn’t see what Minjeong saw that day: how pained Jimin looked when apologizing for rejecting him, the drastic shift in the mood at the torn expression on her face. There was some deep trauma or some horrible experience that caused Jimin to become like this, and maybe one day Jimin would feel comfortable enough to share that with Minjeong. But would Jimin also be comfortable enough to allow Minjeong to help her start healing from that? That decision lay solely in Jimin’s hands; all Minjeong could do was to hope that Jimin chose her. And that prospect was terrifying. Jimin, the most beautiful, stunning, friendly person in the world had an overabundance of options, evident by a chance meeting with one of undoubtedly many people who had confessed to Jimin at a random bakery. Why on Earth would Jimin ever choose her?
“Maybe…”
“Oh, come on, Minjeong! You even have the advantage of having the type of face that Jimin’s used to!”
“…is that an advantage…?”
“You know Freud?”
“What? Freud, like, Freudian slip?”
“Yes, but more like Oedipus Complex, Freud. How someone is more likely to fall in love with someone who looks like their mother?”
“Maybe I’m not remembering this correctly, but wasn’t Oedipus a guy?”
“Well, I mean, yeah, but who’s to say it can’t apply to girls too?”
“Probably, you know, Freud, himself.”
“Oh, details.” Minjeong chuckled. She wasn’t going to lie, she was starting to feel better about things, even if it may not be in the way Jenny intended. “The point is, Jimin thinks her mom is pretty, and she thinks you look like her mom. I mean, come on! Your crush thinks you’re pretty!”
“Oh, so what you’re saying is that I’m basically her girlfriend already, right?”
“Yeah!” At that, Minjeong let out a louder laugh. “You might as well call her ‘babe’ the next time you see her.”
It was just a joke, but imagining coming home to a smiling Jimin and hearing her, with her sweet, honey voice, calling her ‘baby’ or ‘honey’ while welcoming her home … picturing such a scenario was not good for her health. She could feel her heart racing and her entire face erupting into flames, burying her face in her hands being all she could do to hide the embarrassment from her roommate for having such a delusional fantasy.
“Ooohhh, what’s this?”
“Shut up.”
“Is little Minjeong-ie turning reeed?”
“Shut up.”
“Is little Minjeong-ie thinking about Jimin calling her ‘babe’?”
“Shut up!” Minjeong could hear the smile in Jenny’s voice, and it all wanted to make her disappear even more.
“Are you a ‘babe’ kind of person? Or maybe you like ‘baby’, or ‘honey’, or—” Minjeong reached out to punch Jenny, successfully landing a few hits on her while she laughed. “Ow! That hurts!”
“You deserve it!”
“I’m just asking!”
“Well, don’t!”
Long after that conversation, even as Minjeong lay in her bed that night, the idea of using pet names stuck with her.
When she was little, Minjeong was asked if she wanted an English name by her parents. Minjeong rejected the idea because she quite liked her name, but she also remembered being confused by the question: why would her parents ask her this? Do most people adopt different names before starting first grade? In the following years, Minjeong could understand why her parents posed the question: classmates and teachers alike had some trouble pronouncing her name, but even so, Minjeong didn’t mind. By the time she noticed this, she had gotten so used to, and so attached, to her name, ‘Minjeong’, that she didn’t mind correcting people every now and then or just being content with people slightly mispronouncing her name. She never really had a desire to be called much else; in fact, when she was helping a family friend babysit their six-year-old daughter, Minjeong had a mini-existential crisis when she was addressed as ‘Ms. Kim’. While Minjeong resolved that situation by insisting the child call her ‘Minjeong’, she began to wonder if she would have to get used to being addressed in ways other than her first name as she grew older, met people younger than her by a full generation or more, and entered the professional workforce.
Suffice it to say, Minjeong really liked her name. So, when she began thinking of all the pet names that she’d like Jimin to call her, Minjeong found herself being shocked at … well, herself.
Is this also what having a crush is like? Something that has been so set in stone for Minjeong for all her life, something she’s resisted for so long, and all it takes is imagining Jimin affectionally calling her ‘baby’ to cause all of that to shatter instantaneously?
Those thoughts kept her up for much longer than it should have, leading Minjeong to be tired the next morning.
“Stay up last night thinking of all the pet names you want Jimin to call you?”
Minjeong, being a mixture of being too tired and too absorbed in her own thoughts, didn’t respond to the teasing remark from her roommate, instead opening the fridge and taking out a plastic cup of Greek yogurt. “I’ll let you get away with that this time.”
At that, Jenny giggled. “So cute, even so early in the morning.”
Later that day, Minjeong was sitting on one of the benches outside the campus library when she next ran into Jimin. Or, rather, Jimin ran into her.
“Minjeong!”
Minjeong opened her eyes, lips naturally curling into a smile at the sight of a beaming Jimin. “Oh, hi!”
“What are you doing out here?”
“Oh, just enjoying the warm weather before the winter chill comes.”
“Actually,” Jimin said, sitting down next to her, “I love winter.”
“Oh, really?” In her head, Minjeong crafted a cheesy remark: that’s surprising, given your warm, sunny personality. Not like she’d ever say that, though. The fact that she even thought of it made her want to throw up a little.
“I really love snow, especially the look of a fresh blanket of snow after an entire night of snowing. And, there’s something invigorating about the chilly weather, isn’t there?” Minjeong was about to agree with Jimin’s first point, but wasn’t too sure about the second, so she refrained from speaking. She could hear it: even though Minjeong has only known Jimin for a few months, she could sense that something was on her mind. So, Minjeong gave Jimin the space, and the time, she needed. “I mean, the other seasons are great and all, with the pretty foliage of autumn, or the blooming flowers of spring, or the beach weather of summer, but … I’m probably biased.”
There was a brief silence that was filled only by the rustling of leaves in the autumn breeze, the shuffling of feet against the nearby pavement, and the light chatter amongst passing students, walking by, entering, leaving the library. There was something a little too heavy weighing on Jimin’s soul, Minjeong could tell. A little something that needed just the slightest nudge. “Hm?”
And with that interjection, Jimin began to unwind. “I think the biggest reason I love winter so much is that, winter is when my mom met—my biological mom, met Jessica. Her current wife.” That revelation came with it a swirl of curiosities and inquiry, but Minjeong held them in. “I was so young back then, so I know this sounds weird, but … I think the young me associated the happiness my mom seemed to finally be able to start accepting again with the magic of that season.”
The more Minjeong listened, the more she felt her own opinion shift. If someone were to ask Minjeong, she would’ve probably said that her favorite season was spring, but now … it was something about the entrancing nature of Jimin’s voice, the heartfelt way she told that story, that changed something in Minjeong’s brain. She could tell that Jimin sincerely believed that there was something magical about winter, and with all the earnestness in her voice, Minjeong was starting to believe that, too.
“Sorry, that was a little heavy. I don’t know what got over me.”
“Oh, no! It’s ok, thanks for telling me!” The fact that Jimin shared something so deep and personal to herself … did it mean anything? Minjeong’s brain flashed briefly back her roommate’s advice about overanalyzing these situations, of taking a second to calm down and slow down the onslaught of thoughts, and then to the thing she had been agonizing over before her three-hour-long meeting with her groupmates in her Thermo class.
“What about you? Do you have a favorite season?”
A shy smile overtook Minjeong’s face. “Um, well, you made winter sound so amazing that it feels like it’s winter now.”
At that, Jimin laughed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that!”
“No, it’s ok!” Everything about Jimin seemed to only pull Minjeong in deeper, and now, added onto the reasons Minjeong loved Jimin was this very experience, of Jimin sharing that personal bit about herself.
“But, there’s a lot of good things about winter! First of all, hot chocolate is good by itself, but isn’t it so much better after walking home in the chilly weather? Or, even, hot tea?”
“Yeah, that’s true.” But, regardless of what Minjeong felt, it was not meant to be. Jimin said herself, that, even now, romance wasn’t for her. Minjeong briefly wondered if there were any ties to that sentiment and the story Jimin just told her. Even if Jimin was lesbian or bisexual … what could Minjeong do if Jimin just, simply, didn’t want to be in a relationship?
“And, I know this is gonna sound weird, but there’s also something refreshing about cold weather, isn’t there? Especially if you’ve been inside a, like, stuffy room or something, just getting hit with a face full of winter air and cooling off a little bit … isn’t that a great feeling, too?”
Minjeong laughed. “I can’t say I’ve ever thought much about that.”
Did love always hurt this much? Pining after someone that was out of reach, someone who had shut herself off from romantic advances. Someone who guided others to a treasure she couldn’t claim, or even want … someone as romantic as Jimin, but wanted nothing to do with romance. Of all the women Minjeong’s first crush had to be, why did it have to be Jimin?
“Oh, well, it feels really good! Even my mom yells at me for doing that though, so I guess not very many people agree with me, but…” If nothing else, Minjeong wanted to be loved by Jimin. Even if Jimin wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, that fact didn’t forbid her from loving another person, right? “…also, I know I said this already, but I swear, there’s something magical about winter! I mean, Christmas and New Years all happen during winter—oh, sorry, do you celebrate Christmas?” Minjeong nodded. “Right? Even if you don’t believe me about winter being magical, at the very least, you can agree that that time leading up to Christmas, lasting until New Years, is amazing, right?”
“Yeah.”
The exuberant way Jimin talked, the way her eyes shone, the animated movements of her body as she explained her love of the season … would things change if she could make it so that Jimin loved Minjeong as much as she loved winter?
It was a thought that became unescapable by the end of the day. To be talked about with the same glimmer in her eyes as her favorite season … just the thought made Minjeong want to scream into her pillow. She found herself barely able to get any work done, and even as she lay in bed, her mind raced with fantasies, ways she could get Jimin to love her as she loved winter.
What if … she called herself Winter?
It was a dumb thought, a combination of the thing Jenny was teasing her about earlier that day and this all-consuming fantasy coalescing into this absurd idea. Dumb, childish, straight-forward, but also, it felt manipulative. Would it even work? Regardless of the answer to that question, even if it might actually do something to Jimin’s perception of her, even if Minjeong actually would stoop so low as to change the way people called her, trying to play mind games on her crush as a way to psychologically trick Jimin into liking her more felt dirty. All’s fair in love and war, so went the saying, but Minjeong didn’t want to feel like she cheated her way into Jimin’s heart.
A fairer way, Minjeong figured, is to win Jimin’s parents over. And, considering Jimin’s parents are both women, she figured the hurdle of her sexuality was one she thankfully didn’t even need to overcome; therefore, the thing she had the most control over is their first impression of her. So, on that fateful day, after nearly an hour in her wardrobe, with extensive help of Jenny, Minjeong picked out her outfit: a neat body-length baby-blue autumn dress with a pair of cream block heels. Of course, Minjeong wanted to look as put-together as possible, but she didn’t want to give off the impression that she tried too hard on her look, so this is what she settled on. Ironically, this was probably the most amount of time Minjeong put into her appearance prior to meeting up with someone, but the hope was that it looked natural enough that no one could tell. There were also considerations of making sure to not look too much like Jimin’s mom, so she also tried to go for a youthful look too, applying lighter makeup, straying away from the redder tones for her lipstick, using minimal eyeshadow and eyeliner, and also using a minimal amount of blush. When she finally stoked herself enough to get out the door, Minjeong took a few steps before realizing that she forgot her phone and had to quickly return to grab it.
“Hey, what do you think they’re talking about?”
Minjeong met up with Jimin at the agreed upon location, the lounge of the student union building, after her last class of the day concluded, and were currently waiting here while her parents were ‘preparing’ for Minjeong’s arrival. The fact that they felt the need to prepare for her flattered Minjeong; they must be the type of doting parents that loved their daughter a lot, which explained a lot to Minjeong about the type of person Jimin is. The people Jimin were motioning towards were a group of guys huddled behind a laptop, talking loud enough that they could be heard but not so loud that any word could be distinguished amongst the modest chatter of the commons area.
“Do you want to guess?”
Jimin thought about it for a moment before answering, “Maybe they’re watching a football game or something? Guys get really excited about that kind of thing, right? Maybe only one of them has a subscription to some live-streaming service that they’re all meeting up for or something?”
“Hm…” It seemed a reasonable guess, but Minjeong had a different take. “…I don’t know, wouldn’t they meet up at one of their dorms for that?” Jimin conceded the point, nodding. “To me, it seems like they’re playing one of those group games online. Like, have you ever seen that ‘push the button’ game?”
“Ooh, yeah! I was at a friend’s birthday party and they were playing that on the TV for a bit.”
“Yeah, or maybe it’s like, comparing food, or movies, or celebrities or something. You see how they’re occasionally pointing to the screen?” Jimin nodded. “Doesn’t it sound like they’re discussing something on the screen?”
“Oh yeah … I can see that.” As the two of them continued to observe the group, the frequency of the triumphant cheers and defeated or confused groans seemed to align closer with Minjeong’s guess. They moved on next to a man and a woman sitting awkwardly next to each other, with Minjeong guessing correctly that they were just waiting on the rest of their friend group to show up, then to a solitary man sitting at a table with a laptop and an empty plate of food from a nearby restaurant, with Minjeong seeming to guess correctly that he was an engineering major by the fact that he ended up pulling out a graphing calculator. After that, Jimin was notified her parents were finally ready for Minjeong, and her anxiety started to pick up all over again.
“I guess you’re really good at reading people, huh?”
Minjeong, having calmed down somewhat from the impromptu game Jimin had them play and was now suffering a full-on panic attack now that she remembered what was about to happen, did not have the wherewithal to suppress the blush at her compliment. “I was just lucky.”
“Hmm?” Luckily, they were walking, so Minjeong had an excuse to not return the very pointed smile Jimin was giving her. “Then, what about me? What kind of a person did I seem like when you first met me?”
Of course, as any normal human being, Minjeong thought that Jimin was insanely pretty. Cheerful, exuberant, welcoming, but for some reason, Minjeong felt there was a bit more to it. Should she say it? At first, Minjeong was hesitant, but seeing Jimin’s expectation expression, again, drew the words out of her throat. “You looked like someone who needed to be reassured.”
Gauging Jimin’s reaction, Minjeong came to instantly regret having said that.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
“Oh, no, it’s ok,” so Jimin said, but she could tell there were some tears building up in her eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid Minjeong. Why did you say that? Even if you could tell that something was wrong, why even risk triggering some kind of trauma? Just keep your stupid mouth shut. “I just … I didn’t expect that,” she said with a chuckle. A few seconds of silence followed, in which Minjeong continued to reprimand herself for opening up some kind of wound because she couldn’t read the room properly. So much for being good at reading people. “How did you … what about me led you to that conclusion?”
Minjeong wanted to disappear. She wanted to go back in time two minutes just so that she could punch her stupid, brainless self. Maybe if they were closer, it would be ok to say that, but not when she was about to meet Jimin’s parents for the first time. “I … um, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, um, imply anything or…”
“Oh, no, it’s totally fine!” Jimin smiled at her and while it did stop Minjeong’s heart for a brief second, in the next, Minjeong came to the crashing realization that she was probably just being nice, as usual. “I was just wondering. Because you were pretty spot on, honestly.”
Leave it to Jimin to play off Minjeong’s massive fumble lightly, almost like a joke. What should Minjeong even do at this point? Jimin was literally asking for Minjeong to expand, but should she? But to do so would just be rude, right? How could she put this in a way that wouldn’t be too rude or abrasive?
“Um … I just … um, I don’t know, it just felt like it.” Maybe, if Minjeong remained vague, it would be fine. That was the middle ground she would go with. “When I looked at you, and then you encouraged me to sing, the song that came to mind was ‘You’ll Be In My Heart’.” There was something about Jimin’s eyes, though: her big, round eyes, attentive, listening, that extracted word after word from Minjeong’s mouth, from her mind, from her very soul. And, before she could help herself, Minjeong continued, “There was also … I don’t know, nostalgia? It was just, for some reason, I was reminded of my mom, and then I thought of that song, which was why I chose it.”
“Oh.”
Oh no. Did I mess up again?
Jimin, at a loss for words, just continued looking forward as they walked.
Oh … oh no. No, no, no, no … why did I do that again? I should’ve just stopped! What am I doing?
“That’s … so interesting.” Jimin, outwardly, was showing intrigue at Minjeong’s insight, but internally, Minjeong could only hope she didn’t think her to be too weird. Should she go home, actually? Should she just crawl into a hole and die? “Now I know my mom will like you.”
“…hm?” To say the least, that wasn’t what Minjeong was expecting Jimin to respond with. “Why?”
“My biological mom is really into Buddhism and that kind of spiritual stuff, so I feel like she might have something to say, and she sort of managed to drag Jessica into it too. I apologize in advance if she gets too into it and weirds you out.”
“I don’t mind, so no need to apologize!”
The closer they got to Jimin’s house, the faster Minjeong felt her heart beat, and when they finally entered the neighborhood, she started to feel light-headed. Was she sweating? It’s not even that hot outside. Should she have dressed more lightly? Why did she feel so clammy? Surely, it wasn’t visible. Was it? Resisting the urge to pull out her phone to double-check her hair and makeup was a nigh Herculean task, made slightly easier by the constant conversation that Jimin was engaging her in, jumping from topics about their childhood to how classes have been recently to the culture shock Minjeong had with how busy and loud game days are around the campus. When they finally arrived at the house, Minjeong felt just about ready to faint.
“Are you ok?”
The question just made Minjeong even more anxious. If Jimin could tell that she wasn’t feeling well, then surely her parents would too, right? Or maybe not, since Jimin knew Minjeong better than them. Well, maybe Jimin’s biological mom might, considering their supposed similarities in physical appearance?
Oh right, there was also that: meeting someone that supposedly looked like her. From the picture Jimin showed her, it seemed to be the case, but would it translate well into reality? That Jimin thought the two of them shared a resemblance was perhaps a sufficient answer, but what about for Minjeong, herself? Would it be surreal? She’s never met a doppelganger of hers. If Jimin’s mom was supposedly spiritual, then would she have some superstitions about doppelgangers? What kinds of superstitions even were of them?
“I wonder if she would be able to tell.”
Jimin giggled. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Um, you know, with doppelgangers, isn’t there that thing where they can feel each other’s emotions?”
“Oh, really? That would be soo weird though, wouldn’t it? I mean, imagine you’re just, I don’t know, taking a shower or something, and suddenly you feel a burn on your tongue because my mom accidentally took a sip of her tea before it fully cooled down.”
“Yeah, that would be weird.”
Before she knew it, they were at the doorstep. Time seemed to slow down as Jimin reached for the doorknob, a torrent of concerns and other extraneous thoughts whizzing through her mind.
“I’m home!”
“Welcome home~” in response to Jimin’s announcement was a pleasant, feminine voice singing out the greeting.
Is that her?
“You can leave your shoes there,” Jimin said, motioning towards one of three shoe racks, the only one not filled to the brim with flats, heels, tennis shoes, just about every kind of shoes one could imagine. “Sorry it’s a little messy.”
“No, it’s ok.” Minjeong wasn’t even thinking about the shoes, though. What she was focused on was the sound of footsteps closing in on them.
Wait, no, stop. I’m not ready yet. She sounds so much prettier than me. Is my hair still fine? I hope I’m not sweating too much. Oh, I’m so not ready. Is this what a heart attack feels like? I want to go home. I shouldn’t have agreed to this after all. Please, please, if you are there, God, don’t let me screw up like a few minutes ago.
“Hi—” Minjeong looked up from taking her shoes off, looking up at a woman who looked out of place in a normal neighborhood such as this. The good thing was that this woman probably wasn’t Jimin’s biological mom, but the bad thing was that she was so pretty it was slightly intimidating. Her big eyes that were widened in clear surprise, her high cheekbones, her high nose bridge, her pale and unblemished skin, her thin lips that were pulled out into a smile, she just looked like a princess in a casual white, frilly blouse and blank sweatpants. “—oh my gosh, you really do look like Taengoo.”
“Right?” Jimin said, “This is Jessica, by the way, my stepmom.”
“Oh gosh, where are my manners? I’m so sorry, I was just…” Jessica shook her head, “It’s nice to meet you! You must be Minjeong.”
Minjeong nodded. “Yes, I am," she said bowing in greeting to Jessica. “I see that Jimin has moms just as pretty as herself.”
Jessica laughed. Minjeong noted that even her laugh sounded regal, somehow. “That’s so sweet of you! Come, dinner’s almost ready.”
“Here, you can put these on if you want.” Jimin nudged a pair of fluffy, white, bunny slippers towards her.
“Oh, these are so cute!”
Jimin smiled proudly. “Yeah, I know, right? I bought these as a pair,” she said, showing off the pink version of the ones on her feet.
Matching slippers?
Matching slippers?
Minjeong felt like she could die happy at that moment.
“Thank you.” Minjeong’s voice came out a little more meekly than she would’ve liked, but it was better than the alternative, which was to accidentally let out the happy squeal that was building up in her throat that definitely would’ve weirded out Jimin and her stepmom.
“Taengoo, your younger twin is here!”
“Oh, is she?” The voice of Jimin’s biological mother was accompanied by a set of hurried footsteps. “Give me one second, my hands are—” both of them froze as they met each other’s eyes.
As any normal person, Minjeong had a lot of experience looking at herself in the mirror, for applying makeup and other reasons. By this point in her life, she would say she was pretty used to what her face looked like, and looking at Taeyeon was not like that. Not quite. “You must be Minjeong.” It wasn’t like looking at herself in the mirror, but it was the second closest thing. Minjeong could definitely believe someone if they said that the woman standing before her is how she would look in ten years, or even four. “I’m Taeyeon, Jimin’s mom.” Taeyeon smiled, although there was still a distant quality in her eyes. The thing was, though, was that Minjeong could also feel it. Or at least, she figured it might’ve been this: a feeling of familiarity, that maybe stemmed from the fact that they looked so similar, or maybe … well, what else could it be? Similar to Jimin, Minjeong was again reminded of her mother, and then of the first song she sang for their acapella group.
“Hi, I’m Minjeong, I’m nice to—” And with that, the feeling completely vanished. “—I mean, it’s nice to meet you!” Minjeong bowed her head deeply, both in greeting and in shame, praying that they wouldn’t take too much notice in how red her ears were now turning.
“Oh, there’s no need to do that!” Taeyeon insisted, guiding Minjeong to stand back up straight, “Feel free to make yourself at home, dinner’s almost ready.”
Also similar to Jimin, Taeyeon had this comforting quality to her that assuaged her embarrassment, if only slightly. Like mother, like daughter, Minjeong supposed. She didn’t even know what about it about them that was so soothing to her. Was it their general demeanor? The way they looked at her, like she was actually a part of their family? The way they smiled? Minjeong couldn’t put her finger on it.
“Oh, you smell really go—I mean, it smells really good!”
I want to die. I want to die. Just end me right now. Please, just put me out of my misery.
Taeyeon laughed. “Thank you! Jimin, could you help Jessica with setting up the table?”
“Yep!”
Minjeong could feel the closeness and warmth in the way the three of them interacted with each other. It made her miss her own family, so when Jimin constantly insisted that she partake in their conversations, Minjeong felt like she was falling even deeper in love with Jimin. Was she being too obvious? Were Jimin’s parents picking up on Minjeong’s crush on their daughter? Minjeong didn’t think Jimin knew, but maybe the two older women, who had more experience with romance, would be able to figure it out. If they did, they didn’t make any indication that they knew, which Minjeong was thankful for.
“Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t even make the connection, that you look like mom, when I first met you. I guess I was too caught up by your rendition of ‘You’ll Be in My Heart’ at first to think about that.” Jessica looked like she wanted to say something, but before she had the chance to, Jimin continued. “Do you resemble your mom? Are there three of you?”
Minjeong laughed. “No, I look more like my dad.”
“Oh, so a male version of you, mom.”
Taeyeon smiled. “That’s funny.”
“I bet he’s handsome.”
Taeyeon scoffed at Jessica. “What do you mean by that?”
Jessica, in turn, smiled at Taeyeon. “Hm? Jealous?”
“Ew, not in front of Minjeong, please.”
Minjeong could only laugh at that. It was just a brief interaction, but Minjeong was already imagining Jimin and herself in that position, although in her mind, it was herself in Jessica’s position and Jimin in the place of Minjeong’s older doppelganger. To go this delulu, at barely any stimulus, in front of the parents of her crush no less … love was doing some serious damage to her brain. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone meeting someone who looks like themselves before.”
“Right? Neither have I!”
At that, Minjeong was pretty surprised by. Despite being introverted, Minjeong had no shortage of friends; however, for a social butterfly like Jimin, who probably knew an amount of people in the hundreds, to have also claimed to have never met one seemed unlikely. If even someone like Jimin hasn’t known a pair of doppelgangers, then what were the chances one of the pair was her own mother? “I guess it must be fate or something.”
That caught Taeyeon’s attention. “Oh? Are you religious or spiritual?”
In her peripheral vision, Minjeong could see Jimin roll her eyes. She was reminded of Jimin’s warning, her premature apology should her mom ever talk about such a topic. Minjeong had legitimately forgotten, but seeing the sparkle in the eyes of Jimin’s mom was too precious to not indulge her at least slightly. “Not in particular, but I do find it interesting. I’ve seen a lot of videos and heard stories about people with really interesting experiences, and to me, it feels like it can’t just all be a coincidence, right?” While not exactly a lie, Minjeong was definitely playing it up, if only slightly. Sure, she would eat those kinds of videos up whenever they popped up on her YouTube feed, but she wasn’t really one to go searching for them.
“Is that so? What kinds of stories have you heard?”
“Um, well, like…” and now that she was being pressed to specify, Minjeong’s mind was spinning. She definitely did watch those videos. What were they about again? “…um, you know, people…” say something. Say anything. “…people who have memories of previous lives, and get into a lot of detail about it, or really strange coincidences and whatnot.”
Thankfully, Taeyeon nodded along, the period of silence doing nothing to diminish her enthusiasm. “Wow, that’s fascinating. I would love to hear those stories. There’s a lot of evidence for reincarnation, you know? More than just personal testimony, I read—”
“Mom, stop,” Jimin, embarrassed, reached over to place a tender hand on her mom, “don’t weird Minjeong out with your Buddhism stuff.”
Taeyeon laughed. There was something about it that sounded restrained, though. Which was weird because Minjeong just met her a few hours ago. Why did she feel like this? Like, Jimin’s mom wasn’t letting herself laugh fully? “Ok, honey.”
“One thing I am interested in is your singing,” Jessica chimed in, “Jimin told us how much she loved your singing, and I was hoping you could sing for us, too.”
“What?” Her cheeks were definitely red now. There was no helping it. And what was worse was that Jimin was unabashedly nodding and looking at Minjeong with an expectant gaze. “Um…” who was she to just tell Jimin no, especially when she was looking at her with those big, hopeful eyes? “…what should I sing?”
“What about ‘You’ll Be in My Heart’, that Jimin mentioned earlier?”
“Ooh, yeah! I want to hear it again, too!”
Minjeong hated how weak she was to Jimin. If she knew that they were going to request her to sing this, she would’ve practiced it. She wanted to say no, or to gently let them down, or to make some other excuse, but in the end, she just couldn’t refuse Jimin when she was so excited as she was. “After we finish eating, then…?”
The rest of the meal, Minjeong felt queasy. Trying to practice under her breath, getting caught by Jimin and turning into a tomato, trying to remember the lyrics because she suddenly couldn’t remember them, and then realizing that she might’ve even forgotten the song altogether, a bunch of self-conscious thoughts that swarmed her mind, especially when it was mentioned that apparently, Jimin’s moms were also pretty good singers, allegations which they both fervently denied for themselves yet supported for the other … the impending task was so all-consuming that she didn’t even have any space in her mind to think delusional thoughts whenever Jimin’s moms would do something cute and couple-like in front of them, like how they complimented each other’s singing voice, or when Jessica reached over to Taeyeon and brushed aside a stray strand of hair that was threatening to enter her mouth, or when they fought over who would do the dishes.
Jimin, being the attentive angel that she was, noticed her internal struggle and pulled her to the side after dinner, telling her that she didn’t have to sing if she didn’t want to, but Minjeong was in too far at this point. She could tell that Jimin secretly did want her to sing, even if she was genuine when she told her that she could make up an excuse for Minjeong to not perform the song for them. The two of them took some time to listen to the song again, Jimin helping Minjeong out with practicing, and when it was finally over, relief was the emotion at the forefront of her mind. Right behind that, though, was a bit of confusion as she looked at Taeyeon.
“Oh my god, I can see why Jimin was gushing about you…”
“Right?! We were even thinking about giving her a solo part for one of our next performances in our acapella.”
Aside from that sudden discovery, Minjeong found herself barely able to pay attention to Jimin and Jessica’s words. Instead, she was busy trying not to feel too self-conscious about Taeyeon’s reaction: she wasn’t exactly looking at her, but from Taeyeon’s initial reaction to the way she seemed to be hiding some tears—truly, like mother, like daughter—and how she swore Taeyeon was trying to steal glances at Minjeong, but not in a suspicious way or anything, but more like … she was trying to find something in her?
“Should we do an impromptu karaoke session?”
“Oh, that would be so fun!”
~~
“Ssh, it’s ok.”
She was crying. She wanted to hide. Fear. Panic. Desperation. Her little hands instinctively gripped her blanket more tightly as the staggering, bitter-smelling man walked closer. She wanted to scream out, but by now, she knew better than to do that.
“D-Daddy…?”
“It’ll be ok.” She knew he was lying. But she was too terrified to even move. She closed her eyes. She wanted to cry, but she was too scared to even do that. “Just listen to daddy, and everything will be ok.”
When he pulled the blanket out from her grasp, she let out a whimper. Barely audible, but enough to incur the man’s fury. “What did I say?!” the words were hissed out, but she could still feel them jabbing at her.
“I-I’m sorry…”
Tears were already streaming down her face. The closer he got, the worse that smell was, and when his hands finally found their way onto her pajamas, she couldn’t help but flinch. He didn’t pay any attention to it, though.
“It’s ok. I’m sorry, baby. It’s just, you need to be a good girl, ok? Or else, daddy will have to punish you.”
She couldn’t do anything but nod. Just agree, obey, nod, and don’t think about it. It was the best way she learned to cope with this. “Ok.”
“Good girl.” The words were spoken sweetly, but she still recoiled when she felt his weight join her on her small bed, and flinched when he pulled her top off her body. “You’re such a good girl.”
Just don’t think about it. Just don’t think about it. Just don’t—
With a gasp, Minjeong jolted awake. Her heart was pounding inside her chest, her fists tightly clenched to her blanket. She could feel her body still in fight-or-flight mode, but as the seconds ticked by and she acquired her surroundings, Minjeong was able to calm her body’s heightened senses down.
Whose memories were those? Minjeong’s father was always incredibly sweet and caring to her. The little girl whose perspective she took, the man who was assaulting her who supposedly was her father … was this from some movie or TV show she watched recently? But the more she thought about it, the more confused she became.
Shaken, both at the experience of the traumatic nightmare and the fact that she even had it, Minjeong took a few minutes, staring at the dark ceiling of her bedroom.
She’s fine. That wasn’t real. It was just a terrible nightmare.
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