First Time for Everything

Everything was different.

Minjeong didn’t know having a crush would be so all-consuming. Every day, Minjeong wanted to talk to Jimin, to hear her voice, to see her face, to ask her again to help with Calc homework, to invite her to the bakery that started selling churros recently that are absolutely divine, to complain about the workload from all her courses to, to bask in the beautiful autumn foliage with—Minjeong wanted to do everything with Jimin, and the only thing stopping her was her conscience.

At first, it wasn’t like this: at first, Minjeong didn’t have any trouble texting Jimin about how she felt stuck on her math homework, and then take Jimin’s offer to help shortly after; after acapella practice, Minjeong didn’t have any qualms about whining to Jimin about how she has an exam in a few hours and how it’s so unfair that her classes seem to align their exams such that they all happen in the same two-week span; during a chance meeting with Jimin at the fountain near the campus lawn, Minjeong didn’t think twice about going off on a tangent about her professors and how they’re so particular about how homework needs to be formatted exactly in the designated manner or else it’s a zero. The more time passed, the more these extraneous thoughts started to come attached with their interactions: seeing Jimin happily chatting up another member of the acapella after practice is over, Minjeong hesitates to inject herself in the conversation, and when she’s stuck on her Thermo homework for the nth time, Minjeong spends some time staring at Jimin’s number on her phone, thinking about how she might be bothering her if she called, and then thinking about why she would expect a Broadcasting major to be able to help with engineering homework, ultimately locking her phone and setting it to the side to put her nose back to the grindstone.

I can’t go outside wearing this. What if I accidentally run into Jimin again, wearing this mess of an outfit that’s no more than mismatching pajamas?

So, Minjeong would spend ten, twenty minutes in her closet at the start of every day, putting together an outfit that doesn’t look like a complete trainwreck on the off-chance that she runs into Jimin.

What should I eat for lunch today? Oh, didn’t Jimin mention this Mexican place near the Science building that one time? Maybe I should go there.

So, Minjeong walked across the entire campus to eat there, solely off the influence of a passing comment from Jimin. To be fair, though, the food was quite delicious.

Wow, the weather is pretty nice today. Maybe I should sit on one of the benches near the fountain, maybe I’ll run into Jimin again.

So, Minjeong would spend some time, enjoying the warm autumn breeze and the mist from the fountain for a few minutes, trying to look around for Jimin without being too obvious.

What would Jimin think of this food? Oh, wouldn’t Jimin like these cute little Disney-themed cups? Jimin would probably look good with this outfit. How much more fun would this movie be if Jimin was with there with Minjeong, or how more enjoyable this music would be if Jimin was listening with her, or Jimin, Jimin, Jimin, everything always led back to her.

“Aww, little Minjeong is in looove?”

“Can you not?”

“Look at your little face! It’s so red!”

“Stooop! I knew telling you was a bad idea!”

“Noo, waait!” Jenny reached for Minjeong’s arm as she got up from their dining table. “I’m sorry! I’m just excited about finally being able to talk to you about this kind of stuff!”

Minjeong glared at her roommate for a few more seconds before acquiescing and sitting back down with a pout. “Fine.”

“To answer your question, yes, this is how having a crush is like. You can’t ever stop thinking about them, and even mundane, everyday things make you start thinking about them: would they like this? What would it be like to do this with them? Those kinda thoughts.”

“I see…”

Of all the looks of shock Jenny has directed at Minjeong over their year of being roommates, the one she had at that moment had to be among the most shocked expressions. “Have you never had a crush on anyone?”

Minjeong shook her head. “I only realized I was a lesbian, what? Like, four years ago?”

“Oh, really? So, you just … never … liked anyone before?”

“Well … I had celebrity crushes, but they were all female, and my friends in middle and high school all said they did too, so I figured it was just normal and didn’t think too much of it.”

“Oh. Must be nice. No boy troubles for all of middle school and high school.”

Minjeong laughed. “Yeah. My friends would talk to me all the time about that, but I wouldn’t ever really understand and felt bad that I couldn’t ever really help. But I guess now I know.”

There was something about the way Minjeong’s smile flickered that wiped the smile off Jenny’s face. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Well…” Realizing what she wanted to say, Minjeong couldn’t help but laugh at herself a little. In the past, she used to tease her friends for going on tirades about how the boy she’s crushing on smiled at her, or how she had a candid conversation about a TV show they both watched, or how she discovered a new band because she heard their crush mention it in passing, but now, the shoe was on the other foot. Minjeong only met Jenny in college, but it felt like she was ready to channel all the counter-teasing from her middle and high school friends. “… I … am not too confident that things will work out for me.”

Jenny’s lips curled into a pronounced frown. “Aw, don’t say that. You’re so adorable, who wouldn’t want to date you?”

“Well, I mean, you.”

“But you said that you weren’t sure of Jimin’s sexuality, right?”

“I think…?”

“So, there’s a chance!”

Minjeong also never knew that having a crush could hurt this much. Looking back, she could empathize with her friends who would fall into a depressive state after being dumped or otherwise, indirectly, rejected. All thoughts seemed to inevitably lead to Jimin, and all thoughts of Jimin led to that one moment where Minjeong realized she didn’t have a chance with her.

“…well, but, it’s not that, that I’m worried about.”

“Oh…” Minjeong could tell that Jenny’s mood was being affected by her gloomy disposition, and while she did feel sorry about that, Minjeong also couldn’t help the twisting, uncomfortable tension welling up deep inside her chest.

I’ll just stay friends with Jimin. That’s ok, right? If Jimin never finds out, then nothing ever needs to change. Maybe these feelings will fade away after enough time. Even if Jimin doesn’t become my girlfriend, I’d enjoy her company all the same.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be like this.”

“No! It’s ok, don’t be sorry.”

Minjeong could try to mind-control herself all she wanted, but she could never escape the fantasies that kept her up at night: affectionately calling each other’s names, chilling on the weekends to watch some movies while cuddling, eating meals together and trying to steal food off each other’s plate, helping each other with coursework and getting distracted talking about music they listen to or shows they’ve watched or any and every topic their minds would wander off to.

“If you don’t my asking, what is it that you’re worried about, if not Jimin’s sexuality?”

“Well…”

That day, it was Minjeong’s turn to treat Jimin, and in her eagerness to try this bakery’s churros they were now selling, Minjeong took her there after acapella practice. She thought about inviting some of the other members she had befriended, but ultimately decided against it. Of course, part of it was a desire to have one-on-one time with her crush, but this time, it was more so because she wanted to repay Jimin for being so welcoming on her first day. What she didn’t anticipate was the encounter that arose from Jimin making a little noise of acknowledgment while waiting in line, seemingly towards the guy in front of them, before quickly silencing herself.

Before Minjeong could question what happened or what that noise was about, the guy turned around, doing a double-take when he saw Jimin’s face.

“Oh, hey Jimin!”

“Hi! So, it was you, Ed!” Whatever awkwardness Jimin felt about first noticing Ed had instantaneously vanished the second Ed turned around.

This wasn’t the first time Jimin had been greeted by someone while walking about on campus with Minjeong. It seemed like she was quite the popular figure on campus, and Minjeong could definitely tell why. It wasn’t only because of her eye-catching beauty or her amazing figure; her exuberant friendliness made her shine like the full moon against the pitch-black backdrop of a cloudless night sky.

“Long time no see!”

“Yeah! Wow, what has it been, two years?”

They had only exchanged a few words, but Minjeong could in fact detect some lingering awkwardness creeping in. Were they exes? Did this mean Jimin was straight, after all?

“Yeah, I think so.”

Actually, that wasn’t quite what it seemed like. If anything, Jimin seemed … a bit regretful? Pained? What was it? Ed, on the other hand, looked ashamed of himself. Maybe all of it could be explained by a bad breakup, but then, why would Ed have greeted Jimin like that, and why would Jimin have returned the greeting so positively? Was Jimin that good of a soul?

“Still doing debate club?”

Ed nodded. “Made it to state, but got crushed by Standford.”

“Ooh, I see. That’s not so bad a result though, right?”

“Nope, not at all.”

The entire time, Minjeong stayed silent, slowly but surely building a theory of the situation in her head. Minjeong was pretty good at reading people, and the theory that was building in her mind was being reinforced with every word.

“Minjeong, this is Ed; I took a speech class two years ago with him.”

“Oh, cool! Hi Ed, nice to meet you; I’m Minjeong, I’m in Jimin’s acapella group.”

Ed offered Minjeong a cordial smile. “Hi, nice to meet you.” The silence that lingered weighed on the three parties of the conversation, a storm cloud waiting to break. “Um—” Ed looked at Jimin, stopping shortly upon meeting her gaze, but powering through whatever hesitation that had welled up inside him. “Sorry. For, you know, that. I made everything awkward by, er, saying that.” Internally, Minjeong nodded; this was perfectly aligning with what she had figured happened. “I was just really dumb back then—well, I guess it was just two years ago, but, er, yeah. Sorry.”

“Oh, no! You don’t need to apologize!” What Minjeong didn’t anticipate was the panic in Jimin’s face as she said those words. “No no no, I’m…” If Minjeong was understanding correctly, it was Ed who confessed to Jimin who ended up turning him down. So then, why did Jimin look so pained? “…I’m sorry. I … I really do feel bad. I know that’s not helpful or anything, but romance, love, isn’t really … aren’t really for me. Even now.”

If Minjeong didn’t know any better, it might’ve been Jimin who was turned down. She didn’t just look like she felt bad, she looked devastated.

“No, I understand. I just, it’s been something that’s been bugging me these last few years after realizing how awkward I made things. But, if it makes you feel any better, there’s this other girl I’ve been seeing recently.”

Jimin’s mood did a complete one-eighty, instantly perking up at those words. “Oh! Really? Who!?”

Just when Minjeong felt like she was starting to get a grasp as to Jimin’s character, her reaction to the news turned Minjeong’s perception of the older girl completely on its head.

“Um, someone I met at the debate competition last year. She’s from a different school.”

“Ooh, wow! Which one? Is it close by?”

So, Jimin was someone who naturally drew many suitors but seemed to not be ready for a relationship; however, while she stated that ‘romance wasn’t for her’, she simultaneously loved to talk about the topic when it involved others? Maybe it was a traumatic previous experience with a toxic boyfriend? Or girlfriend?

“Uh, it’s about a two-hour drive.”

“Oh! Not bad! Do you visit her often?”

Ed smiled, rubbing his neck. “Yeah, we sorta alternate every weekend between me driving up to see her and her driving down to see me.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet! How long have you been a couple?”

“A little other three—”

“Next in line.”

Hearing that, Ed turned around, seeing that it was him who was being beckoned. “—three months. Gotta go, but it was nice catching up with you!”

“Yeah! See you around!” Shortly after, Jimin turned to Minjeong. “Sorry about that.”

“Hm? For what?”

“For ignoring you while talking with Ed.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine.” For a brief moment, Minjeong wondered how good her poker face was. Did Jimin see any hint of jealousy on her face? “I get it, it’s hard to be so popular.”

Jimin laughed. “What? What do you mean?”

“You can’t stand there and tell me you can’t tell how popular you are.”

“What? I’m not popular!”

Before Minjeong had the chance to call Jimin out on such a ridiculous claim, they were called up to order. When they sat back down with their pastries, Jimin looped back around to that point in their conversation. “Well, you’re so pretty too, are you seriously telling me that you don’t also get confessed to all the time?”

Minjeong pursed her lips. “I mean, not really…”

“Are you seeing anyone right now, then?”

Meeting Jimin’s eyes, Minjeong could see that excited twinkle reappearing in them. At that, Minjeong couldn’t help but smile. “No, not really.”

“Hm? ‘Not really’? So, you have a crush on someone?”

Minjeong laughed. “Why do you look so excited to talk about this?”

“Well, why do you look so embarrassed when I asked that question?”

Minjeong could feel the tips of her ears burning a little warmer than usual, but was hoping Jimin didn’t notice it. “I guess you could say I do.”

Jimin squealed at Minjeong’s revelation, scooting closer to her. “Who is it? A classmate? A high school sweetheart?” Minjeong shook her head. “What do you like about them?”

“Why are you so invested in this?”

“Why are you avoiding the question?” Seeing Minjeong’s flustered expression pushed Jimin to continue teasing the younger woman. “What do you like about your crush?”

“What I like about her is that she isn’t the type of person who would pressure me into talking about my crush.”

Jimin pouted, taking a contemplative bite out of the pastry she bought. “You’re no fun.” Ordinarily, Minjeong would’ve reciprocated in Jimin’s energy, but the fact that it was Jimin who was her crush, and the fact that it didn’t seem very prescient to ask Jimin about her crush, kept her silent. “For pretty people like you, though, crushes work out pretty well, right?”

If that statement did indeed apply to her, and if only it were true … but what if her crush was someone who seemed to have denounced love? “Um…”

“Oh, actually, I just remembered…” Jimin pulled out her phone, and after a few swipes, showed it to Minjeong, “…this is my mom. Doesn’t she look so much like you?!”

At first glance, Minjeong honestly thought Jimin was showing her a picture of herself that Minjeong herself didn’t know about, but the ridiculousness of the idea quickly caught up to her realization that the woman on Jimin’s phone wasn’t her. “Wait…” Minjeong had to blink a few times. The photo was of what looked like Jimin at her high school graduation, holding a bouquet of flowers, smiling next to a woman who did, indeed, look like a slightly older version of Minjeong herself. “…really? That’s your mom?”

“Yeah.”

This came completely out of left field, but Minjeong was happy to diverge from the topic of her crush. “Wow, she really does look like me … your mom looks so young, and so pretty, too.”

Jimin giggled, Minjeong turning a curious raised eyebrow at her. “Are you calling yourself pretty?”

“What?” Realizing what Jimin was getting at, Minjeong turned pink. “No! I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant—”

“Wow, such confidence, impressive.”

“—no! I was just saying, your mom is—” seeing the teasing smile lingering in Jimin’s eyes, Minjeong sighed and crossed her arms. “Whatever.”

“Well, my mom is pretty, and so are you! There’s nothing to be ashamed of in admitting you look like her, and that you’re both pretty.” She doesn’t mean anything by it. She’s just being friendly. No need to get flustered by the compliment. “Oh, also, my mom’s also really good at singing, too. Actually, I feel like you two have a lot in common. Do you wanna come over and meet her?”

Minjeong wasn’t sure she could follow Jimin’s logic, but if this was how she acted around everyone, Minjeong could see why Jimin got confessed to so often. Her natural friendliness, treating her like a childhood friend, the natural way she brought up the prospect of not only inviting Minjeong to her house but also meeting her parents like it was nothing … no, it was nothing. Minjeong had to remind herself that Jimin was just saying this as a friend. There was no deeper meaning to it.

Minjeong then wondered if Jimin treated all the boys who fell for her, like Ed from two years ago, as just friends.

“Uh, yeah, I’d love to!”

“Ooh, I’m so excited! Can you come today?”

“Huh?” Hearing the question flustered Minjeong like she had never been flustered before. Did she look ok? Minjeong really hoped she wasn’t blushing. Or, she wasn’t blushing that much. Did she wash her hair today? Right, she did, in the morning. Did her makeup look fine? Did she look presentable? Maybe she should’ve worn that hairpin after all, it would’ve completed the outfit. Why didn’t she spend more time looking for it? What if Jimin’s moms didn’t like her? What if the mom Jimin showed her felt strange about meeting someone who looked like her, or what if she was weirded out by her daughter and her friend thinking they looked alike when she didn’t think so? “Um, today?”

“Yeah! Unless, are you busy?”

Jimin was positively glowing with jubilation. “Um, maybe not today. I have a lot of homework.” While it wasn’t a complete lie, Minjeong still felt bad for giving the excuse, especially seeing how the excitement in Jimin’s eyes petered out. “Sorry! Maybe, um, next week?”

Wait. What did she just say?!

“Oh!” No. No, no no no. Why did those words come out of Minjeong’s mouth? She wasn’t nearly ready enough to meet Jimin’s parents. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal for Jimin, but for Minjeong … well, it was the parents of her crush. Of course she’d want to prepare appropriately. “Really?”

Well, there was no going back now. “Yeah. I’d love to meet her.” The question as to why Minjeong replied the way she did was actually extremely simple: Jimin looked so excited to invite Minjeong over to meet her doppelganger, and then so devastated when Minjeong rejected the offer, that she felt like she needed to rectify the situation immediately, by any means necessary.

“Oh, great!” And then, seeing the excitement return to Jimin’s eyes eliminated any regret Minjeong might’ve felt from setting the date to meeting Jimin’s parents so soon. Now, she had an entire week to freak out about it. In hindsight, maybe she should’ve just gone with Jimin that day. “I’ll let mom know then.”

“Does she…” Jimin looked up from her phone. “…know about me?”

Hearing that, Jimin shot Minjeong a bewildered sort of smile. “Yeah, duh.” This isn’t something to be flustered by. She probably— “I talk to my moms about almost everything.” Yeah. See? Jimin talks to her parents about everything, so obviously, she’d talk to them about you, the newest member of her acapella group. “I don’t think I showed them a picture of you, though, so they might be really surprised when they see how much you look like my mom.”

“It might be weird for me too, even though I’ve already seen her picture.”

~~

“So … it’s this weekend that you’re meeting Jimin’s mom?”

“Yeah…”

“It’s ok! It’s going to be great! I’m sure they’ll love you. Can I help picking out your outfit?”

“Oh, really? I’d really appreciate that.”

“But … I think I see what you meant now.”

Minjeong sighed. “Yeah…”

A brief silence befell the two roommates, a contemplative silence that left the only noise being the faint humming of the apartment’s AC unit. “Well, all you have to do is to show that you’re worth it, right?” Minjeong really did appreciate Jenny’s effort to cheer her up, but frankly, she wasn’t sure how much she wanted it. Jenny didn’t see what Minjeong saw that day: how pained Jimin looked when apologizing for rejecting him, the drastic shift in the mood at the torn expression on her face. There was some deep trauma or some horrible experience that caused Jimin to become like this—and, maybe one day Jimin would feel comfortable enough to share that with Minjeong, but would she also be comfortable enough to allow Minjeong to start healing  from that? That decision lay solely in Jimin’s hands; all Minjeong could do was to hope that Jimin chose her. And that prospect was terrifying. Jimin, the most beautiful, stunning, friendly person in the world had an overabundance of options, evident by a chance meeting with one of undoubtedly many people who had confessed to Jimin at a random bakery. Why on Earth would Jimin ever choose her?

“Maybe…”

“Oh, come on, Minjeong! You even have the advantage of having the type of face that Jimin’s used to!”

“…is that an advantage…?”

“You know Freud?”

“What? Freud, like, Freudian slip?”

“Yes, but more like Oedipus Complex, Freud. How someone is more likely to fall in love with someone who looks like their mother?”

“Maybe I’m not remembering this correctly, but wasn’t Oedipus a guy?”

“Well, I mean, yeah, but who’s to say it can’t apply to girls too?”

“Probably, you know, Freud, himself.”

“Oh, details.” Minjeong chuckled. She wasn’t going to lie, she was starting to feel better about things, even if it may not be in the way Jenny intended. “The point is, Jimin thinks her mom is pretty, and she thinks you look like her mom. I mean, come on! Your crush thinks you’re pretty!”

“Oh, so what you’re saying is that I’m basically her girlfriend already, right?”

“Yeah!” At that, Minjeong let out a louder laugh. “You might as well call her ‘babe’ the next time you see her.”

It was just a joke, but imagining coming home to a smiling Jimin and hearing her, with her sweet, honey voice, calling her ‘baby’ or ‘honey’ while welcoming her home … picturing such a scenario was not good for her health. She could feel her heart racing and her entire face erupting into flames, burying her face in her hands being all she could do to hide the embarrassment from her roommate for having such a delusional fantasy.

“Oouuh, what’s this?”

“Shut up.”

“Is little Minjeong-ie turning reeed?”

“Shut up.”

“Is little Minjeong-ie thinking about Jimin calling her ‘babe’?”

“Shut up!” Minjeong could hear the smile in Jenny’s voice, and it all wanted to make her disappear even more.

“Are you a ‘babe’ kind of person? Or maybe you like ‘baby’, or ‘honey’, or—” Minjeong reached out to punch Jenny, successfully landing a few hits on her while she laughed. “Ow! That hurts!”

“You deserve it!”

“I’m just asking!”

“Well, don’t!”

Long after that conversation, even as Minjeong lay in her bed that night, the idea of using pet names stuck with her.

When she was little, Minjeong was asked if she wanted an English name by her parents. Minjeong rejected the idea because she quite liked her name, but she also remembered being confused by the question: why would her parents ask her this? Do most people adopt different names before starting first grade? In the following years, Minjeong could understand why her parents posed the question: classmates and teachers alike had some trouble pronouncing her name, but even so, Minjeong didn’t mind. By the time she noticed this, she had gotten so used to, and so attached, to her name, ‘Minjeong’, that she didn’t mind correcting people every now and then or just being content with people slightly mispronouncing her name. She never really had a desire to be called much else; in fact, when she was helping a family friend babysit their six-year-old daughter, Minjeong had a mini-existential crisis when she was addressed as ‘Ms. Kim’. While Minjeong resolved that situation by insisting the child call her ‘Minjeong’, she began to wonder if she would have to get used to being addressed in ways other than her first name as she grew older, met people younger than her by a full generation or more, and entered the professional workforce.

Suffice it to say, Minjeong really liked her name. So, when she began thinking of all the pet names that she’d like Jimin to call her, Minjeong found herself being shocked at … well, herself.

Is this also what having a crush is like? Something that has been so set in stone for Minjeong for all her life, something she’s resisted for so long, and all it takes is imagining Jimin affectionally calling her ‘baby’ to cause all of that to shatter instantaneously?

Those thoughts kept her up for much longer than it should have, leading Minjeong to be tired the next morning.

“Stay up last night thinking of all the pet names you want Jimin to call you?”

Minjeong, being a mixture of being too tired and too absorbed in her own thoughts, didn’t respond to the teasing remark from her roommate, instead opening the fridge and taking out a plastic cup of Greek yogurt. “I’ll let you get away with that this time.”

At that, Jenny giggled. “So cute, even so early in the morning.”